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  1. #31
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tiltyred View Post
    And do the rest of you ever get like this?
    Used to, because I was in some sort of personal depression/anti-social phase, but not anymore. I am not normally like that when I am emotionally healthy.

    When I got like that I pushed everyone I cared about and who cared about me away. Eventually. Some were quicker to go than others but they all eventually went away. When I came out of that phase (just recently) I regretted it deeply because they were no longer there for me.

    I desperately tried to reconnect. But by then these people had hurt and healed and moved on. Sure, they were cordial with me but it was superficial and that deep connection was gone. They had forgiven but had not forgotten, and consequently, lost their desire to connect with me. These were good people and good people are hard to find. I grieve the loss now. I will never ever do that again. Lesson learned.

    I guess my point is, if you don't want to lose her as a friend and have the energy, I think you should push through it and compromise by giving her a little more contact. If you make a certain routine out of it (i.e. only talk at the same time everyday or whatever) and stick to it then she will learn when and when not to engage you while minimizing the potential hurt to her. You could tell her that you have to keep the schedule, and yes, this will make you seem rigid but she will get over that and it will get you both what you want.

    If you truly like this woman, when you do engage with her at specific times be sure to show interest (i.e. approach her first and have give and take interaction) and be free of any resentment or that will show and will deteriorate the friendship.

    On the other hand, if after an honest assessment of what you need right now, you conclude that you will be just fine without her in your life (i.e. you don't value her that much) or that it is more taxing that it's worth to keep her around, then just ignore her as much as you can. Be curt with her in the situations where it's not prudent to ignore her, and never approach her for interaction. She will eventually get the hint. Most humans do. Saying "I'm busy" along with never attempting to interact with her is also a polite and effective way to make her desire to connect with you fade to black quicker.

  2. #32
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    Yes, or at least pretending to work, you know -- typing and looking studious while conversing online. What you don't want is people hanging around your desk chatting. Then even the pretense is gone.

    Giggly: Such a thoughtful post!
    For someone who has a lot of ebb and flow, I'm a great friend. You can just stop talking to me for months and I won't take it personally, and when you come back, I'm just glad to see you and we can take up right where we left off, because I always feel connected to anyone I care about, so I don't need to see them and talk to them all the time. But for people who need things always to manifest and think you've abandoned them if you're not always in their face and talking, I suck. I'm working on it. I'll do the routine enforcement option you suggested and see how that works. I'll try more to respect her 2-ness.

  3. #33
    Oberon
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    I recommend that you eat a steady diet of boiled cabbage, pickled eggs, baked beans, and beer. Fart loudly whenever she comes into your personal space. That oughtta do it (it would work on me).

  4. #34
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by oberon View Post
    I recommend that you eat a steady diet of boiled cabbage, pickled eggs, baked beans, and beer. Fart loudly whenever she comes into your personal space. That oughtta do it (it would work on me).
    Gotta love a creative solution! *jotting this down*

  5. #35
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tiltyred View Post
    I'm not sure it would satisfy me just to pull the trigger. I'd kinda want to whack her in the head a few times, just to burn some energy off. I'm thinking more like baseball bat, what do you think?

    She's a nice person and she's a good person to have as a friend, she's just sometimes very clingy and ... dense. Like, after three or four emails from her, to which I answer mostly that I'm trying to get some work done, I write "I'm in hunker down mode," and she writes back "What does that mean?"

    And I've said "Look, you've asked me how my weekend was three times now. What do you want?!" and I get "Oh, three times, my. But who's counting, right? hahahahaha"

    I did try putting some structure on it. We have lunch once a week and for that hour I'm all hers. And I tried modeling behavior, telling her I'd saved something to tell her, hoping she would save up stuff to tell me on our lunch day. Sometimes it works.

    I would like to be friends with her if she wouldn't be up my ass all day at work.

    Ok, now I have to go beat myself up about having mean thoughts, excuse me.
    She does not seem sensitive at all. Really. She seems more deliberately resilient and tenacious than dumb and dense. In that case I'd just be direct and tell her to go away until you come to her. She'll probably see it coming and not get upset.

  6. #36
    Obsession. Lethe's Avatar
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    Hmmm, how does she handle this sort of situation herself? From her perspective, what gets her to immediately stop while not being fully rejected? [Something like, "you have been contacting me very often lately, especially during my busiest hours and at inconvenient times. It makes it difficult for me to concentrate on what I'm doing, and I feel resentful from time-to-time. This may not be intentional, but is there something wrong, or an important topic you'd like discuss?"]

    Certain people don't realize how their behavior is impacting others until someone openly mentions it (without subtlety). They might thank-you for bringing that up to them.
    "I cannot expect even my own art to provide all of the answers -- only to hope it keeps asking the right questions." -- Grace Hartigan

    Enneagram: Tritype - 1w9, 5 (balanced wings), 2w3; Overall Variant: So/Sx
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    Quote Originally Posted by OneWithSoul View Post
    Looking into the eyes of a [Ni user] is like peeking through a portal into a parallel universe.

  7. #37
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    She has some martyr tendencies.

  8. #38
    Obsession. Lethe's Avatar
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    Perhaps, has she thoroughly acknowledge her martyring 2 tendencies may actually be counter-productive in this situation, rather than productive? If not, would it be effective to mention what constitutes as something helpful towards you? [I.e -- Contacting you less frequently, or at specific hours/days to improve the friendship. Allowing space for personal down-time and reflection will give you more energy to engage her at the level she enjoys.]
    "I cannot expect even my own art to provide all of the answers -- only to hope it keeps asking the right questions." -- Grace Hartigan

    Enneagram: Tritype - 1w9, 5 (balanced wings), 2w3; Overall Variant: So/Sx
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    Functional Preferences: Ni, Te/Fi, Ti, Se, Fe, Si, Ne


    Quote Originally Posted by OneWithSoul View Post
    Looking into the eyes of a [Ni user] is like peeking through a portal into a parallel universe.

  9. #39
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    I think I like the fart option.

  10. #40
    Obsession. Lethe's Avatar
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    Ah, ok. Well then, good luck. Looks like the answer you're looking for is beyond my abilities.
    "I cannot expect even my own art to provide all of the answers -- only to hope it keeps asking the right questions." -- Grace Hartigan

    Enneagram: Tritype - 1w9, 5 (balanced wings), 2w3; Overall Variant: So/Sx
    SLOAN: rCoa|I|
    Functional Preferences: Ni, Te/Fi, Ti, Se, Fe, Si, Ne


    Quote Originally Posted by OneWithSoul View Post
    Looking into the eyes of a [Ni user] is like peeking through a portal into a parallel universe.

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