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[NF] When someone won't leave you alone

Giggly

No moss growing on me
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Hmmm, how does she handle this sort of situation herself? From her perspective, what gets her to immediately stop while not being fully rejected? [Something like, "you have been contacting me very often lately, especially during my busiest hours and at inconvenient times. It makes it difficult for me to concentrate on what I'm doing, and I feel resentful from time-to-time. This may not be intentional, but is there something wrong, or an important topic you'd like discuss?"]

Certain people don't realize how their behavior is impacting others until someone openly mentions it (without subtlety). They might thank-you for bringing that up to them.

This sounds good to me. I can be clingy and sensitive and I would be okay hearing this.
 
O

Oberon

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If you go the farting route, you can turn the tables on her by following her around. That's a good option if you're looking for a bit of revenge.
 

Tiltyred

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I'll go visit her desk and leave her something to remember me by.

It's really reeeely hard to be as directive as the sane methods you ladies are suggesting. I am trying to process this probably good advice. It goes against my grain (but then, my way is not working, so, yeah).
 

sculpting

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Tilty,

Try wearing headphones while you work to emphasize that stopping to chat is somewhat disruptive as you have to remove the headphones.

Where I work we made laminated sheets of paper that say "Sorry, please do not disturb as I am working on a very important project right now. Please contact me via email if you have any questions. Thanks!" I have also seen little office cubes that say similar things.

When she stops by say "Oh hey Jane, I'd love to talk but am really busy right now. Would you like to go to lunch tomorrow/later this week?" Only works if you actually like her or seek to help her-but would allow her to feel like you were listening without being mean. During lunch, blame your boss-say "My boss is actually getting a bit more strict and doesnt like to see people at my desk talking." or "My boss has been a bit harder lately on us regarding productivity. If I dont seem welcoming it is because I am trying to be seen in the office as being really productive, so please dont be offended if I dont chat much." or "I feel really uncomfortable talking to people at my desk as I feel as though it makes me look like a slacker"

Just ignore the emails. If she asks, say you dont have enough time to answer normal emails, let alone fun emails and then laugh.

Mention you have this really interesting pastime called MBTI, and tell how about the diffs between introverts and extroverts. Even better send her a link that talks about how extroverts seek out others as a way to recharge and gain energy while introverts tend to seek solitude. Point out the conflicts that can arise.

Find an Ne or Se dom who can convey some of the things mentioned in this thread that might be bothering you/them but will be more comfortable conveying the message.

To be honest before I started hating my job and moping in my cube utterly depressed, i used to be an office hopper. I would make "rounds" everyday and check in and pester all my beloveds. It made me really happy to see them all. But I was quite good at staying for less than three minutes and picking up on the subtle "I am too busy to talk now" body language.

My ENTP modified her laminated sign to say "Sorry I am very busy working on a project. Orobas please contact Orobas if you have any questions". The engineers loved this.
 

Tiltyred

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She claims to be an INFJ, just one toe over the I/E line. Whereas I'm all I. We have talked about that a little. She was familiar enough with MBTI to at least know her type. I introduced her to enneagram.

Lots of good stuff in there, Orobas! I will further ponder (with my earphones in).

I just realized something I've done wrong in the past, too. When she asks me how my day is, sometimes I'm honest and indicate dissatisfaction. That makes her zoom in and hover. I need to get with the "Fine!" and make it convincing.

Ok, I'm feeling more on track with this now.
 

Totenkindly

@.~*virinaĉo*~.@
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Maybe every time she comes to ask you how you are, you can scream at the top of your lungs, throw all your papers up in the air, and pull the fire alarm.

She'll go away, I promise.
 

Tiltyred

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Maybe every time she comes to ask you how you are, you can scream at the top of your lungs, throw all your papers up in the air, and pull the fire alarm.

She'll go away, I promise.

I like this. It's got flair.
 

Pixelholic

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Maybe every time she comes to ask you how you are, you can scream at the top of your lungs, throw all your papers up in the air, and pull the fire alarm.

She'll go away, I promise.

I second this option.
 

Tiltyred

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Just to follow up and close this thread -- she did not contact me at all over the weekend or yesterday or this morning, so I had some time to get relaxed, so I emailed to ask her to lunch this morning, and we had a great time. I told her I was sorry I push away when I'm stressed, and she said it's ok and she understands, and then we caught up on each others' news. So all is lovey-dovey again and I have stood down re whacking her with a baseball bat/pitching her down the stairs/acting alarming/letting out copious gas in her vicinity.

Thank you, you clever and witty people, for all the suggestions. I have them in a file for future reference.
 
G

Glycerine

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I think I might have a tendency to be clingy and try to nip it in the bud by avoiding the person like the plague. However, they always seem to acknowledge me when I really don't want them to... I seem to have some bonding/attachment issues (because of my past) If you are "too nice", it really encourages it.
 

runvardh

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Responses still keep things above absolute zero and and the tube full of particles. It's much harder to manage in a vacuum though so I wouldn't respond. Nothing in the e-mail important? Delete.
 

proteanmix

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I think I wrote this somewhere before but the biggest thing you can do to get people away from you at work is be a megasuper-concentrated ball of BAD BAD body language.

Not only do you give disinterested, mono-syllabic grunts (if that!), but wear the headphones even if you're not listening to anything, put your back to the entrance of your office or cube, put things in the walkway of your office or cube (as much as building safety codes will allow) that will block the entrance. I have two bankers boxes and a rolling file cabinet creating a fourth wall in my cube. Also if you don't mind having stacks of paper all over your work space that creates less room for people to just come in and makes professional business brief because there's no space. That also gives the appearance that you're messy and disorganized so use with caution because it may give off an impression of you that you don't want to have. If you're in an office, keep your door closed or semi-closed. Basically do the opposite of feng shui to your work space. If you really want to drive home the point, have BO and eat really pungent food at your desk.

As far as your facial expressions are concerned always have your brow furrowed like you're hard at work, grunt at people, never look up away from your computer, never turn around to speak to anyone that comes in your cube, look annoyed when people come to speak to you, and act like you're overwhelmed with work. One way to keep people AWAY from your cube is to promptly respond to emails. Most people won't even get up to walk across the hallway to speak to a coworker, so use email proactively. Also make interoffice mail your friend and you may have to do more phone conversations if you want people away.

Conversely, if you want people in your space you have to make the space more inviting. I used to keep beads on my cube for people to play with although I don't decorate my cube or anything. Many people put their interests, hobbies, and pics of family and friends on display for comment. Keep candy or some other food enticement in your office. Arrange furniture in a pleasing manner that invites people in. Make your space smell good, have funny and interesting cartoons on your walls. One of my coworkers had a Pimp Your Cube set that she used and it was fun.

That's generally what you can do to keep people away. For a specific person, you can be more naturally repellent in those special little ways you know them. For example, one of my old coworkers if we ever started talking sex or body issues, she'd run away. When we didn't want her around we'd just start singing penis over and over again. We wouldn't even be talking about sex before she came around but we'd do it to get her away. We once started talking about Santorum smoothies and pink socks and she literally ran out of the office with her ears covered, screaming "I don't want to hear this!" Good times! Immature perhaps, but it worked. Another one of my coworkers has specific political issues that if you seem like you're questioning her or disagreeing with her in any way, she'll get huffy and storm out. She'll be mad at you for a couple of weeks then come back around and so it begins again.

This isn't aimed at you Tiltyred (and I read that you've found a resolution :)) but I'm starting to wonder about the "Be Direct" thing. I personally prefer being direct and like just saying, "Hey, I'm kinda working on an important project that I need to get done. We'll catch up later, OK?" I can do that most of the time. I'm an extrovert and generally don't mind being interrupted. I'm also a cube-hopper myself and this makes me slightly :ninja: (but not :ninja: enough to stop, lol). I've built up enough positive social cache where I can frankly say and do mostly what I want and people respond to me well because I'm good for it. If I say "I'm busy, can we shoot the shit later?" I'll actually do it and it wasn't just words to get someone off my back.

In the two situations above I suppose my friend and I could've just said to these women, "We find your existence offensive and would prefer if you didn't come near us," or "We don't want to hang out with you," but IME so far that rarely goes over well. In less extreme examples like, "I'd prefer not to be disturbed right now for non work-related matters," you'll get the person who is a mature adult about it and doesn't take it personally, but then you're just as likely to get the person who completely takes it personally and makes it as if you don't like them and all the dramatic fallout from that.

What conclusions I"ve reached with the people above is we did things that made them not want to come around us, because they found us offensive, vulgar, and rude. We made ourselves distasteful and onerous to them, rather than making our negative opinions of them explicit. If I dislike someone and there's no hope of salvaging the relationship, I'd rather make situations in which they don't like me because the burden of me not liking them is lifted from me. I hope this makes sense...it's more like we mutually dislike each other and will equally take on the responsibility of avoiding each other, rather than me not liking them and doing all the work. Work smarter, not harder I say.
 
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