User Tag List

12 Last

Results 1 to 10 of 14

  1. #1
    Senior Member Lily flower's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    2
    Posts
    931

    Default INFJ's forcing intimacy

    As an INFJ, I frequently have people share a lot of personal stuff from their lives with me and then reject me in some way because they have shared too much.

    Do other INFJ's have this problem? How do you deal with it?

  2. #2
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    1w2 so/sx
    Posts
    11,106

    Default

    Draw better boundaries. Usually the people who pull away soon after becoming close in an extreme sense are fairly insecure. At some point, I realized that there are people who wish to share things with me that I cannot help them with. In some cases, it is not productive to expend energy on those people because they are high drama/low change and what they are doing is not working for them. If someone seem too ready to accept your advice, they will be blown about by every breeze that goes by. If they are looking to you to save them from their problems, they will be sorely disappointed and their disappointment and anger will fall on your head. If you try to intervene before they are ready to want change for themselves in a real way, then you will end up in the middle their problems. Sometimes complete strangers want to share more than is appropriate. Your tolerance may be taken as romantic encouragement or as interest that you do not actually feel. It is kinder to make that clearer.

    As I've gotten older, I've learned to disengage more easily and to not encourage or be as receptive when there is nothing productive to come out of the interaction. As a result, I can then invest my energies in more equal friendships or help those who are ready to make the changes necessary to have better outcomes in their lives.

    If any of this sounds useful, I can give you some practical ideas for how to graciously, but firmly convey your sentiments as well as recognize warning signs earlier so that this problem happens less often for you.

  3. #3
    It's always something... PuddleRiver's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    5w6
    Posts
    2,924

    Default

    I've had this happen quite often. I just blow it off now.

    And what fidelia says. Disengage from these folks, they be vampires of a sort.
    "In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay one invincible summer."
    ~~~~
    A Christian's life may be the only Bible some people ever read.
    ~~~~
    "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them" Maya Angelou.
    ~~~~
    I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ" Gandhi
    ~~~~

  4. #4
    Senior Member Lily flower's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    2
    Posts
    931

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post

    \

    If any of this sounds useful, I can give you some practical ideas for how to graciously, but firmly convey your sentiments as well as recognize warning signs earlier so that this problem happens less often for you.
    Yes, I would especially be interested in the warning signs. I would like to be there for anyone who could really use a listening ear, but I don't want to be rejected just because someone shared too much.

  5. #5
    Banned
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    6w5
    Posts
    3,278

    Default

    I am pretty sure I have witnessed INFJs do this as well.

  6. #6
    Member kccrush's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    54

    Default

    WHat's interesting to me is the title of your thread - INFJs forcing intimacy. I think there's something to the idea that INFJs excel at creating intimate environments where it's really easy to get to know another person. Often times this other person will say things like, "wow I never knew anyone to do this to me...I can't believe I'm telling you all this...how did you get me to talk to you like that..." For me as an INFJ, being able to do this is nice, but only if you anticipate the other person can survive the after-effects. Like you said in your post, these people then turn away from you after you crack their shell. Well, if someone is going to do that, then it wasn't worth the effort of creating intimacy to begin with. And this leads me to your thread title: INFJs forcing intimacy...is this action of ours out of place? Would we be better off staying on the surface and talking about sports and cooking and humdrum topics? Is that where the longevity of friendships or relationships in general is at? I don't really know...

  7. #7
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    468 sx/sp
    Socionics
    EII None
    Posts
    4,383

    Default

    In my experience, if I just stay still and keep a straight face, so to speak, they come back. Like, if I ignore their leaving. They always come back. It's a sort of dance. Eventually they will get over themselves, but it takes time, and you may decide you don't want to put the time in.

  8. #8
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    1w2 so/sx
    Posts
    11,106

    Default

    Yeah, usually the people I do that with are not people I've invested terribly heavily with. If they come around some more they realize that i'm trustworthy and usually are fine. Just takes time. Not all people who are skittish are people that you have to steer clear of. However, it is important to remember that those are often signs of insecurity. Unfortunately, insecurity often has a fairly toxic effect on friendships, so you may want to watch how personally involved you become, or at the very least, realize that it may be an unequally balanced friendship.

    As far as avoiding people who are high drama/low change or are likely to ignore important boundaries, some signs I've noticed include:
    - people that walk up to you and without provocation or encouragement start telling you intimate details of their life.
    - sharing far too much for the level of friendship/acquaintanceship you have developed. Often this means that they have found it is a way to force intimacy or a way to curry sympathy/get attention.
    - people who push the boundaries of what you are physically or emotionally comfortable with and do not pay attention to your discomfort (could be someone who is in your space or guilt trips when you don't do what they want, someone who is overly possessive of you as a friend or who need ridiculous amounts of your time)
    - people who are looking for a shoulder to cry on, but do not have any reciprocal interest or wish to learn anything about you.
    - people who always are the victim of circumstances or other people. You need to ask yourself after awhile how they consistently are in these situations.
    - people who are too ready to embrace your advice (means they'll go with whomever they talk to most recently) or who are resistant to taking any advice or list all the reasons why nothing will work in their situation.
    - people that surround themselves only with others whom they consider "lower" than themselves in some way.
    - people who find reasons to be critical of everyone around them, while championing you. They are looking for someone or something to save them from their circumstances. When they find you can't do it, you will become the recipient of their blame.
    - people who try to illicit information from you that you don't feel good about sharing.
    - anyone who wants to use you as their moral conscience instead of thinking it out for themselves. When they are upset, their choices are only rooted in their feelings towards you at the time, rather than what is right. Any good that has been done falls away because it was never truly rooted in their own beliefs.

    As far as creating better boundaries, I
    1) limit time I spend with people with whom there is no potential for an equal friendships/relationship, making sure they know that I only have a specific amount of time to give them (or I make it clear that there is no time to give them, depending on the situation)
    2) am blunter than I normally would be because the stakes are lower. If I can help them that way, great. If not, they will go sooner.
    3) remain polite, but don't ask a lot of follow-up, make-you-comfortable questions to draw them out, nor reciprocate with a lot of personal information.
    4) if someone asks something that is too personal or tries to elicit contact that I don't want, I am clear about where my boundaries are. (Learned that from busking). I script myself ahead of time with words like, "I'm sorry, but I don't give out personal information to people that I don't know well." "I'm sorry, I don't hug people that I am not close to". The more cohearsive people are, the more important it is to be blunter and make those boundaries clearer without expending a lot of emotion (which can be taken as encouragement even if it is negative).
    5) Limit meaningful eye contact that might be natural to most conversations with the intent of connecting to people and making them comfortable. In this case, you want to do the opposite.

    In the past, I know that I have been flattered by people who display their insecurity in an outwardly confident-looking way that have told me that they've never talked about any of that stuff to anyone before. It's an appealing mix of being able to help, while feeling pleased that they would choose me for their confidante, usually mixed in with some element of attraction to me that makes me feel good. I try to steer clear of that now, as I realize it involves an element of selfishness on my part and it also usually ends badly.
    Last edited by fidelia; 10-22-2010 at 07:41 PM.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Neutralpov's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    MBTI
    EnfJ
    Enneagram
    1w2 so/sx
    Socionics
    EII
    Posts
    311

    Default

    Wow Fidelia. I am going to have to print and muse on that last section out because it is so detailed and good. I think I would benefit from it for sure and have learned some of them as well and was nodding along.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Lily flower's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    2
    Posts
    931

    Default

    fedelia - thanks, that was very helpful. I recently had the same thing happen. A woman that I was getting to know suddenly told me all this stuff about going off her antidepressants, and then avoided me for a good 2 weeks after that. So I just continued to smile as we passed and this week, she decided to come talk to me and hang out again. I guess people who have shared a lot need some space to make sure that we are not going to hurt them or use the information inappropriately. That makes sense.

Similar Threads

  1. [INFJ] INFJs - anger and upset?
    By Eileen in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 70
    Last Post: 05-06-2015, 09:28 AM
  2. [INFJ] INFJ Compatibility - INFJ's Romantic Match?
    By shadowstormz in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 339
    Last Post: 07-17-2014, 06:09 AM
  3. [INFJ] Psychic INFJ's?
    By shadowstormz in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 52
    Last Post: 04-19-2012, 11:18 AM
  4. [INFJ] INFJ organizational strategies
    By Scruffy1123 in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 03-14-2009, 02:45 AM
  5. [INFJ] Any INFJ girls?
    By findthejake in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 157
    Last Post: 05-11-2008, 04:58 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO