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  1. #11
    Senior Member Onceajoan's Avatar
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    Apologies - can't get 'reply with quote' feature to work for some reason.

    Fidelia: Draw better boundaries.

    Me: Agree.

    Fidelia: In some cases, it is not productive to expend energy on those people because they are high drama/low change and what they are doing is not working for them.

    Me: LOL. High Drama/Low Change is a great way to put it. I'm going to incorporate that into my vocabulary/mindset. I've cleared those people out of my life. It feels great!

    Fidelia: If someone seem too ready to accept your advice, they will be blown about by every breeze that goes by. If they are looking to you to save them from their problems, they will be sorely disappointed and their disappointment and anger will fall on your head. If you try to intervene before they are ready to want change for themselves in a real way, then you will end up in the middle their problems.

    Me: I've come to this realization too - the hard way. I like the way you articulate this.

    Fidelia: As I've gotten older, I've learned to disengage more easily and to not encourage or be as receptive when there is nothing productive to come out of the interaction. As a result, I can then invest my energies in more equal friendships or help those who are ready to make the changes necessary to have better outcomes in their lives.

    Me: This sounds very healthy. I need to learn how to how to disengage a bit more... Good ideas here.

  2. #12
    Senior Member Lily flower's Avatar
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    How exactly do you disengage more? I have a lot of trouble drawing up boundaries when they make me seem rude. It would be really hard for me to say, "I'm not interested in you sharing any more," because I feel like it would be rejecting to the person. Is there some polite or kind way to disengage?

    Once I had a friend start to share about her married sex life and I told her that I had had a previous friend who had shared about stuff like that and that it made me very uncomfortable. I thought that might be clear enough, but she went right ahead and told me about all these issues she had in the sack. Then her husband got mad at me for "nosing into their personal life." That kind of stuff drives me crazy!

  3. #13
    Senior Member mochajava's Avatar
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    Lilyflower - the situation you describe about the married friend's sex life is downright annoying! I think you just have to draw these boundaries, however it is possible for you. Personally, I've always been horrible at boundaries and will give anyone anything. I think it was lack of awareness and thinking that being a good person looked like being generous 110% of the time. I didn't even know who I disliked (except blatant jerks and misogynists).

    Lately, my boundary drawing has been taking the form of either cutting people off entirely (if the relationship is really toxic, and I've talked and tried EVERYTHING I can to fix it), or just ignoring or ending the conversation. So much of our communication in this culture is quiet and indirect anyway... so I don't feel guilty. I'm trying to work up to just TELLING people what's going on or why I won't talk to them (it hurts when you refer to me as "reclusive", I feel disrespected and don't want to constantly engage with and help someone who disrespects me).

  4. #14
    Senior Member mochajava's Avatar
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    Lilyflower - the situation you describe about the married friend's sex life is downright annoying! I think you just have to draw these boundaries, however it is possible for you. Personally, I've always been horrible at boundaries and will give anyone anything. I think it was lack of awareness and thinking that being a good person looked like being generous 110% of the time. I didn't even know who I disliked (except blatant jerks and misogynists).

    Lately, my boundary drawing has been taking the form of either cutting people off entirely (if the relationship is really toxic, and I've talked and tried EVERYTHING I can to fix it), or just ignoring or ending the conversation. So much of our communication in this culture is quiet and indirect anyway... so I don't feel guilty. I'm trying to work up to just TELLING people what's going on or why I won't talk to them (it hurts when you refer to me as "reclusive", I feel disrespected and don't want to constantly engage with and help someone who disrespects me).

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