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  1. #1
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    Default When your friends are unfaithful

    How would you react if one of your best friends and a person you thoroughly respected confessed to you he/she had been unfaithful to his/her partner?

    A part of me feels I should stop being a friend to this friend of mine. I feel more cynical about other people every day.

  2. #2
    meinmeinmein! mmhmm's Avatar
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    in thailand, it's unspoken but understood that most men
    have 'minor wives' some women accept it. some don't but
    put up with it. some don't take it all.

    most of my male friends have dabbled in cheating. or have
    kept 'minor wives' in forms of actual mistresses or lounge
    girls they pick up.

    everytime i find out i lose a little respect for their integrity.
    i don't stop being friends with them in all respects. but i don't
    listen if they want to bitch about their wives or girlfriends.

    we can still shoot pool and drink beer, but that's where it's at.
    every normal man must be tempted, at times,
    to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag,
    and begin slitting throats.
    h.l. mencken

  3. #3
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sytpg View Post
    How would you react if one of your best friends and a person you thoroughly respected confessed to you he/she had been unfaithful to his/her partner?
    People are human.

    What was his attitude toward his infidelity?
    Matter of fact?
    Grieved?
    Amused?

    His attitude would shape my response.
    I can make allowance for mistakes, because mistakes are not really as indicative of character as attitude and the attitude drives behavior.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  4. #4
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mmhmm View Post
    in thailand, it's unspoken but understood that most men
    have 'minor wives' some women accept it. some don't but
    put up with it. some don't take it all.

    most of my male friends have dabbled in cheating. or have
    kept 'minor wives' in forms of actual mistresses or lounge
    girls they pick up.

    everytime i find out i lose a little respect for their integrity.
    i don't stop being friends with them in all respects. but i don't
    listen if they want to bitch about their wives or girlfriends.

    we can still shoot pool and drink beer, but that's where it's at.
    Sure. I guess what I mean is being a friend in my heart.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer
    People are human.


    So is every kind of criminal.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer
    What was his attitude toward his infidelity?
    Matter of fact?
    Grieved?
    Amused?

    His attitude would shape my response.
    I can make allowance for mistakes, because mistakes are not really as indicative of character as attitude and the attitude drives behavior.
    I didn't say my friend was a he.

    Matter of fact, knowing it was a bad action. Didn't feel bad. Knew that it was bad though. Yes attitude matters, and it's because behavior reflects attitude that I find it so very sad....who is this person I consider my very good friend?

  5. #5
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
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    I would lose a considerable amount of respect for the person. Infidelity is personal weakness, cowardice, and lack of respect for others in every situation.

    But I don't see why I automatically wouldn't still be their friend on some level if their response or attitude was indicative of responsibility to me. Their attitude would reflect how close the friendship would remain, if it did at all.



  6. #6
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    I don't care how my friends act towards others on a superficial level. But when it's something deeper I've got my thresholds. I want to feel mad at my friend. All the deep conversations we ever had seem pointless now. Was probably my closest friend and that helped justify that I am and that made me feel understood....then did that. I wan't to feel mad but yet I don't...but I think I lost so much respect...feel a void. It's all making me very cynical and nihilistic...were are the people that think like me anyway....do I just hold people to too high standards?

    Is that why I don't grow closer to people and am so cynical for an ENFP?

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    I don't like it. And I try to express it that way without making him/her feel worse about it. Especially because it puts me in a situation that I don't like to be in. But I wouldn't stop being someone's friend just because a part of their personality didn't seem the way I thought it would.

  8. #8
    meinmeinmein! mmhmm's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sytpg View Post
    Is that why I don't grow closer to people and am so cynical for an ENFP?
    i don't think it's cynicism. i'm in the same boat,
    i don't feel close to anybody at my very core.

    people just prove again and again that they're
    idiots, and it just doesn't make me interested
    in growing any closer to them, at times it makes
    me retract.

    but i'm hopeful and still open for new experiences.
    aren't you? and there's nothing wrong that past
    experiences keep your feet grounded. if that makes
    sense.
    every normal man must be tempted, at times,
    to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag,
    and begin slitting throats.
    h.l. mencken

  9. #9
    Diabolical Kasper's Avatar
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    It changes the way I see them. I don't know if it's about losing respect for them although that can sometimes happen, if it's someone I still care about then it's more that I see them as just that bit more human and flawed. I can't condone their actions, particularly if they see no issue with their betrayal, but I do not get involved beyond giving my honest (without being unsupportive) opinion if asked.

    I do feel sad that they feel the need/desire to do so even though they're already in a relationship.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mmhmm View Post
    i don't think it's cynicism. i'm in the same boat,
    i don't feel close to anybody at my very core.

    people just prove again and again that they're
    idiots, and it just doesn't make me interested
    in growing any closer to them, at times it makes
    me retract.

    but i'm hopeful and still open for new experiences.
    aren't you? and there's nothing wrong that past
    experiences keep your feet grounded. if that makes
    sense.
    I'm not the classic case of "oh, ive seen so much, met people that turned out to betray me or be like this or that, been hurt a lot etc etc". The past doesn't keep me grounded, my thoughts, ideas and values do.

    No, I'm not very open to new experiences. Not with people no. Because I am cynical.

    Quote Originally Posted by Angell_m
    But I wouldn't stop being someone's friend just because a part of their personality didn't seem the way I thought it would.
    I'm not moved by disappointment, but by a need for congruence. If I always talk about cheaters as people I don't like, why would my friend be an exception? I don't choose sides. My values ARE my identity.

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