I fell madly in love with someone who was my polar opposite. My intensity overwhelmed and pushed him away. My attempts at withholding those intense feelings made me as insecure as him. My constant probing about us made me miss the chances I had to find out what was really going on all along.
And just when I finally figure out that he has Asperger's and that there ARE specific things I could do & say to make it work between us, I start feeling so much better but it's too late. He gives up and ends it out of nowhere, smashing me down after I've been building myself up again. Now we are right back where we started because he wants to be close to me but can't do much about it & I can't dim or control these new feelings of abandonment, anxiety, mistrust, etc. so that I can be the happy, fearless, sweet girl he liked in the first place.
I feel like I am responsible for everything. I've known all along that "cooling down" was the only way to make it work, but I just can't. I never can for long. Even now it seems so obvious that if I could be patient and levelheaded and gentle that I could be close to him and be happy. But I try as hard as I can and then the feelings overwhelm me again. I feel like an ocean trying to keep itself calm. I'm so tired of it. I care too much to stay in control without feedback or security. I've always wanted to be close to someone like him. I didn't really ever know what "peace" felt like before him. Now, not only do I feel like its not possible with him, but with anyone who is that way at all. Anyone who has the ability to stabilize me is never going to want to handle me. And what's worse, I can't even be friends with the person I love so much. All I can do is pretend when I'm sad and try to savor when I'm feeling happy. I just want to be able to be myself without feeling selfish.
Has anyone else ever had thoughts similar to this? I feel self-defeated.