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Thread: Oh God, being an ENFJ...

  1. #41
    Rainy Day Woman Array MDP2525's Avatar
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    Oct 2008
    6w5 sx/sp
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    Quote Originally Posted by toast View Post
    I shall use thee...

    My ISTP has Asperger's... which seems to intensify the typical 'masculine' (compartmentalizing, distancing, autonomy, etc.) traits that an ISTP already has in spades, especially in the company of ENFJ intensity.

    As an ISTP, if you were overburdened and dropped the easiest thing you could drop (a.k.a. your gf - who has been your best friend before and throughout the relationship), because you knew it was unlikely you'd really 'lose' her for good... what would your position be on her not being comfortable as your friend? Would there be any way of getting you to understand that the 'dropping' just could never happen again, and that without some assurance of this the ENFJ doesn't really feel comfortable even knowing you.

    This is my current dilemma. He wants to "work on the relationship/friendship", which to him means "hang out and do stuff together." And to me, it is all completely pointless because he can't be trusted if he doesn't get that I'm not 'drop-able.' It's made me resentful on and off, and bitter... and I hate being like that. It is ridiculous but I have PTSD or something similar going on. I can not have a good time with him right now no matter what we are doing. I simply don't trust his intentions, how well I 'know' him, etc. Sucks hard because I can't stand the idea of telling him his efforts could be in vain. Am I making sense?
    It's hard to give any advice because he has Aspergers. That changes a lot. He probably isn't capable of doing what you need done.

    It sounds like he's trying. However, from your words you seem to be at the end of your rope. What are you hoping to accomplish? What is your goal with this person?

    Sounds like you are unwilling to go further. Fair enough. Then you have to gather strength enough to make a decisive choice. All guts or glory. No in between with these situations.
    ~I'm looking California, and feeling Minnesota.

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  2. #42
    Senior Member Array toast's Avatar
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    Oct 2009


    Saddest thing I can think of right now. I've got nothing left to give at the moment. I can't even define "goals" anymore because I don't even have the energy to idealize. I don't currently believe in a happy ending, which is what I want. I would have said I wanted a relationship where we have methods to communicate that work, and ways of getting what we want from each other, and ultimately a loving relationship that adds to our lives rather than substracts or compresses them down. I can't believe this is possible right now because it would take equal effort from my end, and as you put it, I'm at the end of my rope.

    Now all I have is pipe dreams I shouldn't even indulge.

    I have had trouble with the idea of accepting that I have nothing left to give but that doesn't have to mean I've "given up on him." In my past relationships I disconnected from serious relationships through a permanent shift in attachment that went hand in hand with how much of a priority they were to me. I explain it as the difference between caring about someone and just caring about their well being. The first becomes the second, and the second is pretty all inclusive of anyone in my life. So I go from caring about them on a level where they really impact my life to being concerned about them when I think they could use the support. It is a drastic change and so far it has been irreversible. I've tried reconnecting and it just doesn't work.

    I was worried this would happen with him. I swore up and down that I wouldn't 'give up' on him. His friends, his family, everyone in his past just threw their hands up at one point or another and said: "I'm done." I'm hoping by not having a goal in my head I can just focus on the things I have more control over and get my strength back without having to talk myself into severing with him. It isn't easy because compartmentalizing like this is not something I'm naturally good at, but if I just see things as being 'on hold' until I am level enough to come up with something else, maybe I can heal without having to sever all ties.

    Oh, and your description of the "roller coaster" with the ENFJ sounds pretty accurate to his position. He just freezed up when I displayed any moods and this inflamed things for me, shutting him down more. And so on...

    I think maybe ENFPs have more luck with ISTPs because they share the spotlight they put on others. The spotlight is on themselves, not in a selfish way, but in things like personalized compliments or words of affirmation, they might be more likely to praise someone indirectly by saying "I'm really happy when you..." or "I like your taste in..." I am too direct and have trouble being in my own spotlight. Focusing on myself is uncomfortable for me, and that I never do it is uncomfortable for him. Fortunately I have no choice but to learn at this point because I'm a complete wreck. haha.

    My 'decision' at this point is to try to get grounded and get some energy and confidence back. If, at some point I get clarity again I'll probably come to a more detailed goal. Right now I'm pretty fried and thinking clearly about the future is just impossible.
    "In my soul rages a battle without victor. Between faith without proof and reason without charm." - Sully Prudhomme

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