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  1. #31
    Senior Member Sparrow's Avatar
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    I dont know what to do any more . Just a few minutes ago I got in to another big fight with my boyfriend. The internet wasn't working so i call comcast to fix it, so I go to the living room and ask my boyfriend in a normal tone, NO attitude whatsoever, about where the modem lights were so I could check it out, and he immediately looks at me and accuses me of giving him attitude. I say oh I wasn't giving you attitude I just was asking where they were. then he argues with me that I was, so then I freak out on him...we just a had a talk about that, he's always thinking the worst of me. Im tired of him ALWAYS accusing me of that shit, over the dumbest things. Hes a dick all the time and I dont always call him out on it! People dont talk all happy go lucky all the time! Im so tired of it. I dont want to walk on egg shells anymore. Its the same shit over and over again, I dont know what to do :*( i feel like shit. Im so over it. Its BULLSHIT!!!!!!! Hes so immature, theres only so much of this I can take. Im becoming really reactionary now. Im tired of it. Any advice? Should I dump him? Im about ready to give up. Its so petty
    Fe | Ni | Se | Ti ... 3w4 ... Lawful Neutral ... Johari -Nohari

  2. #32
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    How long have you been together? Has it always been like this? What type is he? Are you happy with him more than you are unhappy? What do you think the underlying cause is of most of your fights/misunderstandings?

  3. #33
    Senior Member Sparrow's Avatar
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    4 years, it hasn't always been like this, and hes an ENTP (but an immature unhealthy one). Im more unhappy then ever, the cons out weigh the pros.

    Hes probably under a lot of stress not having a job, he had a really harsh childhood, he is an alpha too...but Im done making accuses for him, I feel like a sucker not wanting to abandon him. But I feel like I need to be respected and heard...seems like he doesnt care about what I have to say. I cant even have conversations with him with out him telling me to shut up or "i dont feel like talking" for the most part anyway. I always listen to him! What a jerk .

    I feel like an idiot...its just so hard to break up. Within the past week we have faught, and I break up with him, but he always weasles his way back. I need to be strong I guess.... this bites.
    Fe | Ni | Se | Ti ... 3w4 ... Lawful Neutral ... Johari -Nohari

  4. #34
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    It does indeed. It sounds though like maybe you both need a little time alone to get your own stuff figured out before you can be effective partners for each other. Most "relationship problems" are more individual problems that rear their ugly heads in a way that is difficult to ignore when you come across the friction of another person. Has he dealt with the baggage that accompanied him from his childhood? Disrespect (like saying shut up) towards you is something that shouldn't be tolerated as it usually ends up intensifying over time. Decide where your big black lines are and don't allow anyone to cross them. "I don't feel like talking" is often a way of staying safe and not having to be vulnerable or an indication that there is a lot of unresolved past stuff that distancing him from you.

    Leaving isn't likely to be easy. You probably are a source of comfort to him. He will miss you a lot. You have spent four years of your life with him and probably a lot of important landmark moments. The proximity you have had has also likely intensified your emotions towards him (both the positive and negative ones). It is easier to deal with what is familiar than what is not. The more proximity you have, the more difficult it will be not to end up with him again right away without dealing with the issues that are putting a wedge between you.

  5. #35
    Senior Member Sparrow's Avatar
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    Totally, your are filled with wisdom, thank you my dear . Im feeling a little better. I seriously need to stop over reacting.
    Fe | Ni | Se | Ti ... 3w4 ... Lawful Neutral ... Johari -Nohari

  6. #36
    Senior Member Sparrow's Avatar
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    Oh to be an ENFJ!
    Fe | Ni | Se | Ti ... 3w4 ... Lawful Neutral ... Johari -Nohari

  7. #37
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    Hello. I'm not going to read through the whole thread, but I did want to jump in and offer myself as a resource. Let me know if there are anything you want from the other side. I think I could represent ISTP and possibly similar types pretty well and hopefully allow some insight into this dichotomy.

  8. #38
    Rainy Day Woman MDP2525's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toast View Post
    The ISTP is the only person I've ever been close to that just never accepted me. He turns away or hides from me. He says he "likes my intensity" but has admitted he only thinks I am nice when I am happy. I have to be intensely happy and then he likes me, otherwise he is intimidated and uncomfortable with me. Of course, he makes me very happy sometimes but our relationship has made me very unhappy, so it was always a roller coaster and I never had control over it unless I could control my feelings under stress.
    I was with an ENFJ for two years. I often describe that relationship as a "roller coaster". It's funny how we describe it the same way. This is an ISTP perspective and maybe it will give some insight. Reading this thread certainly has given me some on ENFJ's.

    For me, it was really hard to understand what upset him and what didn't. It came off as very random. It felt like being struck by lightning. It was disorienting when his mood would switch. It caused me to freeze up. I didn't know how to react. Still wouldn't, really. Then whatever was bothering him - all that anger or frustration - was then directed at me for freezing up and not handling it right. I'm not saying this is what he did but it's how I viewed it. Anyway. All that just made me retreat further and further away from him.

    That was the stuff that I couldn't handle. I liked the intensity and passion just not directed toward me. I guess a good analogy if I could think of one is this: An ENFJ is a spotlight. ISTP is attracted to what ENFJ lights up but when ENFJ puts the spotlight on ISTP we get blinded and start sweating under the heat. *pulls collar away from neck*
    ~luck favors the ready~


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  9. #39
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toast View Post
    I fell madly in love with someone who was my polar opposite. My intensity overwhelmed and pushed him away. My attempts at withholding those intense feelings made me as insecure as him. My constant probing about us made me miss the chances I had to find out what was really going on all along.

    And just when I finally figure out that he has Asperger's and that there ARE specific things I could do & say to make it work between us, I start feeling so much better but it's too late. He gives up and ends it out of nowhere, smashing me down after I've been building myself up again. Now we are right back where we started because he wants to be close to me but can't do much about it & I can't dim or control these new feelings of abandonment, anxiety, mistrust, etc. so that I can be the happy, fearless, sweet girl he liked in the first place.

    I feel like I am responsible for everything. I've known all along that "cooling down" was the only way to make it work, but I just can't. I never can for long. Even now it seems so obvious that if I could be patient and levelheaded and gentle that I could be close to him and be happy. But I try as hard as I can and then the feelings overwhelm me again. I feel like an ocean trying to keep itself calm. I'm so tired of it. I care too much to stay in control without feedback or security. I've always wanted to be close to someone like him. I didn't really ever know what "peace" felt like before him. Now, not only do I feel like its not possible with him, but with anyone who is that way at all. Anyone who has the ability to stabilize me is never going to want to handle me. And what's worse, I can't even be friends with the person I love so much. All I can do is pretend when I'm sad and try to savor when I'm feeling happy. I just want to be able to be myself without feeling selfish.

    Has anyone else ever had thoughts similar to this? I feel self-defeated.
    Oh God, I relate so much to this.

    I wish I had some helpful things to say but I don't. I wish you luck though. I hope you can somehow get what you need.

  10. #40
    Senior Member toast's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by foolish heart View Post
    Hello. I'm not going to read through the whole thread, but I did want to jump in and offer myself as a resource. Let me know if there are anything you want from the other side. I think I could represent ISTP and possibly similar types pretty well and hopefully allow some insight into this dichotomy.
    I shall use thee...

    My ISTP has Asperger's... which seems to intensify the typical 'masculine' (compartmentalizing, distancing, autonomy, etc.) traits that an ISTP already has in spades, especially in the company of ENFJ intensity.

    But...
    As an ISTP, if you were overburdened and dropped the easiest thing you could drop (a.k.a. your gf - who has been your best friend before and throughout the relationship), because you knew it was unlikely you'd really 'lose' her for good... what would your position be on her not being comfortable as your friend? Would there be any way of getting you to understand that the 'dropping' just could never happen again, and that without some assurance of this the ENFJ doesn't really feel comfortable even knowing you.

    This is my current dilemma. He wants to "work on the relationship/friendship", which to him means "hang out and do stuff together." And to me, it is all completely pointless because he can't be trusted if he doesn't get that I'm not 'drop-able.' It's made me resentful on and off, and bitter... and I hate being like that. It is ridiculous but I have PTSD or something similar going on. I can not have a good time with him right now no matter what we are doing. I simply don't trust his intentions, how well I 'know' him, etc. Sucks hard because I can't stand the idea of telling him his efforts could be in vain. Am I making sense?
    ____________________________________________
    "In my soul rages a battle without victor. Between faith without proof and reason without charm." - Sully Prudhomme

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