Themarlins, I feel for you. Sounds like your foundation for life wasn't set up properly for healthy relationships since you could only get attention from your parents when you misbehaved. This has set you on a course that has brought you to the realization that the rebel lifestyle is hurting you too much as well as those close to you.
May I suggest that you are in need of inner healing from past hurts and that because of these hurts, supernatural problems have been your driving force since then. What I mean is that when bad situations affect our emotions, and we react in unhealthy ways, the demonic realm comes in through open doors and they oppress us.
People talk about their demons all the time because this side of life is real and must be dealt with. I had demons cast out of me and I refuse to let those punks back into my life because I did not like where that road was taking me. Living in fear and hatred was no fun and no good.
Make your own decision about what belief system you want to embrace to help you change the direction of your lifestyle. You will need help to turn things around. I admire you for asking for help. This signifies that you are serious about looking for answers.
I release God's goodness and kindness over you and ask that He will reveal His perfect love to you. God loves you. I love you, too. I break any and all curses over your life and loose the blessings of heaven for you. When it looks the worst, cry out to Jesus and ask Him to help you. He loves to help those who really are serious about asking for some supernatural intervention.
Six years ago I cried out to Him myself, and I am getting healthier, spirit soul and body, and learning to get along with people in a kinder, honoring way. I believe you are good. It's just that your eyes need to be opened to see God in order for you to feel loved and give love. You can do this! Do not give up on yourself.
Also, being a Christian, I believe that only by being renewed spiritually and receiving God's salvation can we really change and be good. NFs can be bad and make mistakes too.
I never took much of a liking to this assumption that you have to be religious to be good. I have lots of personal values that I stick to for the good of myself, my loved ones, and society, but I'm not religious and I don't do it for God. I do it because it's right. Haha. The way I see it, I don't need a book or a spirit to tell me that I should live right. I've got laws and personal values that I stick to, plus my compassion for other people. In a lot of ways I'm actually a lot more well-behaved (what some people would criticize as "religiously uptight") than a vast majority of the Christians I know. I definitely don't think you meant to imply you have to be religious to be ethical, and I'm not accusing you of that. But a lot of people I know do tend to think that way.
Marlins, this is interesting because I open up too MUCH to people and care too much about others, and as a result, THAT has sometimes driven them away. That's probably because I don't handle my emotions well at all, and if they get too intense, I can lose all ability for tact. A lack of tact, interestingly enough, can come both from not caring about others but ALSO caring way too much (especially when you're not sure of the best way to approach the situation). I deal with a lot of conflict in my life (pretty unusual for an NF, from what I'm hearing). Your lack of sensitivity is very alien to me unfortunately, but maybe if you tried to get closer to some people...? It sounds like people might have hurt you a lot in the past, so you've developed an emotional wall. Try to give others what deep down you really want. You've said that you "sincerely" want to change, which shows you DO have compassion and ARE human. Start with your actions, what you KNOW is right, and then maybe the feelings will follow...?
Just putting the suggestion out there. I honestly am not sure if I know what I'm talking about...or if I'm being helpful at all.
I learned this from the CEO of my old job....chant "Act enthusiastic & you will be enthusiastic" over and over again (but like you really mean it)....as cheesy as it sounds it really seems to work.
I'm always enthusiastic...chanting can be so much fun! Also singing really loud and giving random hugs to friends. Lol
I would prefer to held accountable. for me to move past my guilt, will pay in equal measure that proportionate to what i have done sometimes that means more there sometimes is no scale. once i have reconciled then turning new leaves is what i would consider. talking only the surface of what i done is not enough, dont give me congrats on doing what i ought or should be doing. dont let me slide. hold me accountable. bite down and bite hard and say nothing else, other then an apology u know is sincere and not one practiced in front of a mirrior