thanks liesl.I don't think this is the place for you to ask for help. I think you need to find somebody that you can explain everything to, somebody who will understand your story, how you got to be where you are today.
My experience was that very few people can understand the life experiences that lead to the type of unhappiness you are experiencing. You have to find the right person. Not all therapists or social workers are created equally. You have to find the right one. You have to find someone committed to you, and you have to tell them everything.
It's not about conforming. It's about you finding a way to address your sorrow, dismiss your shame, and find deep contentment.
You're not a bad person. Lives are not created equally. You've probably been through things that other people haven't, things that other people couldn't even fathom. We don't live in a world that's conducive to working through that or comprehending that. You need to find a safe space where you can examine yourself and what you've been through.
I'm sorry for everything. And I hope that you can come to a place of acceptance and moving forward. And as far as hurting others, I hope you reach a place where you don't want to make other people feel as unhappy as you feel right now. Everybody deserves happiness, you included.
You can turn it around. You can be forgiven.