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  1. #21
    meat popsicle r.a's Avatar
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    been 3 years since i've been in an actual relationship. i may (lightly) date 1 or 2 women a year, but thats about it.

    i idealize a lot. the majorities of relationships with women i have these days is mental. i'll meet a woman i like, romanticize on the idea of being with her, and either wear myself out on it and grow bored and never pursue it, or half-ass pursue it and sabotage it for myself.

    i also have a bad habit of getting a girl's number and never calling her. not as much because i am not attracted to her. i could be extremely attracted to her and i just don't call. i find all kinds of excuses not to call.

    i also have a fear of being rejected by a woman i see or cross paths with on a regular basis. i'll never make a move or botch my own first moves.
    "All authority of any kind, especially in the field of thought and understanding, is destructive and evil. Leaders destroy the followers and the followers destroy the leaders. You have to be your own teacher and your own disciple. You have to question everything that man has accepted as valuable, as necessary."
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    J.Krishnamurti

  2. #22
    Senior Member Onceajoan's Avatar
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    1+

  3. #23
    Senior Member DJAchtundvierzig's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cfs1992 View Post
    People believe that I'm intelectually intimidating, too serious and that my strong personality and deep nature make the guys around me "afraid" of me at first sight, making them think that I'm inaccessible for them.
    This is the impression that people have of me firstly, but when they get closer they see my caring nature etc.
    Finding a love is being a hard time for me, because I'm very shy in this aspect, and I'm not the kind of flirty girl... and I don't know what to do about this. My ESFJ grandma and my ISFJ mom try to help me to put my feet on the ground and stop to search the Ultimate Relationship, but I still find it very hard.

    Someone here that have or had this problem? How did you deal with this?

    I can relate to everything you justsaid there, except for your mom being an ISFJ. My advice... Never change yourself no matter how much you want to. If a guy likes you as you are, the relationship will be more meaningful. And it's better to have no relationship than a fake one. Thats just wasted time and energy... But then again, better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. SO..I guess I can't help you out after all. But just keep looking and put your neck out there, he will come along eventualy.

  4. #24
    Senior Member Quiet's Avatar
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    I belong in this thread too. I'm newly single, and part of me is excited about getting used to a new life alone. But I'm worried about easily becoming too detached from reality and feeling satisfied with life by myself. Although I do at times dare to dream about the ultimate relationship with someone, I don't believe its my time to explore that route. Its too soon, and I know I need to work on myself first. Besides, I just end up feeling sad and lonely when I think about that long held unmet need, so I take that as a sure sign that I should stay single until I'm in a more balanced place.
    "What's Taters, Precious?" --- Gollum.

    "Bring your pretty face, to my axe". --- Gimly.

  5. #25
    Badoom~ Skyward's Avatar
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    guys who ignored me were perfect because I could never get close enough for them to come tumbling down off the pedestal I'd built in my fantastical, sickly sweet romantic mind.
    This is SO TRUE for the opposite: men pining for women they can't really approach!

    Quote Originally Posted by r.a View Post
    been 3 years since i've been in an actual relationship. i may (lightly) date 1 or 2 women a year, but thats about it.

    i idealize a lot. the majorities of relationships with women i have these days is mental. i'll meet a woman i like, romanticize on the idea of being with her, and either wear myself out on it and grow bored and never pursue it, or half-ass pursue it and sabotage it for myself.

    i also have a bad habit of getting a girl's number and never calling her. not as much because i am not attracted to her. i could be extremely attracted to her and i just don't call. i find all kinds of excuses not to call.

    i also have a fear of being rejected by a woman i see or cross paths with on a regular basis. i'll never make a move or botch my own first moves.
    I can relate. A combination of a fear of rejection and being satisfied with an imaginary mental relationship do not a real relationship make.

    They are also over-thought about on my part. I constantly check and recheck aspects of them to be sure if they're 'right.' 'Can I handle X about them?' 'If/When we have to change to meet at the middle for each other, what would be hard for me to change?' 'What would I say and how would I say it?'

    When I'm attracted to someone it feels as though I've already lost. If I don't distance myself a little bit I cannot think or talk around that person and then tact is just out the window and then awkwardness is the word.

    It's easiest if the person is available when my Fe/Se start steamrolling. Fe and Se have no fear
    'Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.' - Marilyn Monroe

    This is who I am, escapist, paradise-seeker.
    -Nightwish

    Anthropology Major out of Hamline University. St. Paul, Minnesota.

  6. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by Quiet View Post
    But I'm worried about easily becoming too detached from reality and feeling satisfied with life by myself.
    Wow. I just had an epiphany...

  7. #27
    Badoom~ Skyward's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sky is BLUE! View Post
    Wow. I just had an epiphany...
    Ditto!

    Reality is something I deal with on a need-to basis. I have the most joy outside of it, and I don't think I could handle being in a relationship with someone who was the opposite unless we REALLY connected in some other way.
    'Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.' - Marilyn Monroe

    This is who I am, escapist, paradise-seeker.
    -Nightwish

    Anthropology Major out of Hamline University. St. Paul, Minnesota.

  8. #28
    Member Ethan Bear's Avatar
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    If I could give you a thought to think about, you dont want any guy to be with you. You only want the ones bold enough to pursue you and figure out who you are.

    I know that my not help, but dont settle for less than you deserve.

  9. #29
    Diving into Ni-space Crescent Fresh's Avatar
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    I honestly felt for INFJ, we don't try hard to make an approach if we've found one. Even if we did put an attempt to make our first move, it's not obvious enough for them. Most people would blame for our shyness, though for me, I would just rather to take things really slowly.

    Perhaps it's a trust issue, but it really has to do with how passive we can be for showing our interests in others. And that's really bad.

    For me, I still think that I'm living in this fantasy of seeking for the purest form of love, where things have to be perfect. If I discover a minor flaw from someone, I almost immediately back out a little. Eventually, it's like a chase of a long and dragging ping-pong tournament, where the ball start bouncing further and further, until we lost it eventually.

    I don't know if this makes any sense but I can definitely see the need of having some reality check of imperfection from others--which is something I'm still trying to work hard on overcoming myself.

  10. #30
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Crescent Fresh View Post
    I honestly felt for INFJ, we don't try hard to make an approach if we've found one. Even if we did put an attempt to make our first move, it's not obvious enough for them. Most people would blame for our shyness, though for me, I would just rather to take things really slowly.

    Perhaps it's a trust issue, but it really has to do with how passive we can be for showing our interests in others. And that's really bad.
    I relate to this...I always worry about coming on too strong and scaring people off. Which is frankly hilarious because then it usually turns out that the guys I liked had no idea. Or thought it was only a faint possibility that I liked them.

    It's weird in a way though, because I usually only fall for people who I know or am getting to know reasonably well, and at that point I've probably shared some of my emotions with them and have told them at least a bit about my emotional struggles and how things may have hurt or been difficult for me in the past. But somehow, they still have this image of me as someone who is totally thick-skinned and think that because I'm easy going, I don't feel things that strongly. I just don't get that. It's like, I TOLD YOU that I feel strongly about things. How much more must I spell it out?

    Mind you, a lot of people say things they don't mean. Maybe they think I'm exaggerating when I talk about my feelings. I don't say things I don't mean, as a rule. But maybe they just see a calm exterior and think that's all there is to me and there's no inner turmoil or longing.

    Meanwhile, I'm working on ignoring more of what people say and looking at what they do, because it's usually best to assume that others say things they don't mean. Oh, the confusion!
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