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  1. #11
    Patron Saint Of Smileys Gloriana's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CuriousFeeling View Post
    I have a hard time finding love as well. Unfortunately I have a habit of falling for people that have little interest in me
    I laughed at that because I did that for years. Not sure it's particularly related to being an INFJ or anything though. I'd be pining for and fantasizing about these guys who didn't pay any attention to me. The guys who talked to me and showed interest? I was basically thinking "Um, would you, like, get the hell outta here, I'm trying to idealize that fella by the coffee machine if you don't mind...".

    Looking back, I think it really did have a lot to do with being more in love with the idealized fantasy than anyone real. Guys who ignored me were perfect because I could never get close enough for them to come tumbling down off the pedestal I'd built in my fantastical, sickly sweet romantic mind.

    Funny enough, my two best intimate relationships have been with two men who pursued me and showed interest. My crappy marriage was with a man I pursued and who didn't show a lot of interest at first.

    I find it really hard to describe just how my mind works in terms of imagining that ideal, perfect relationship. It's like my mind has subconsciously gathered every single trait I've ever liked in anyone I've ever met and thrown them in a combine inside my mind. There are also 'seasonings' gained from books I've read, or movies I've seen, or romantic images provoked by many hours of music. It's this intricately woven idealization that can be very hard for me to shake (this goes in terms of friendships as well as partner relationships).

    I'm in a relationship now and basically I just make a habit of smacking myself awake if I'm drifting too far into my fantastical, visceral visions. I try to keep myself conscious of who he is and what I love about the REALITY of him, rather than thinking about all the areas he falls short of that unattainable thing in my head.

    When I was younger, I found it hard to get the same warm, secure feeling from real relationships as I did thinking about these perfect little ideas in my head. It can still be hard for me, sometimes my boyfriend will come out with something unexpected, or I'll feel upset by something he said or did, or I'll be let-down by something and I'll be tempted to go tumbling down into that tunnel of disappointment that reality doesn't 'match' my ideas. It's like brain-tweaking and reminding myself to see who my boyfriend really is and what our relationship really is rather than having my perceptions trained on what it isn't.

    If that makes sense!
    "Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get, but if you work really hard, and you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you...amazing things will happen" --Conan O'Brien

  2. #12
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    I met my husband when I was pretty young (21) but I really didn't date much before that. I think my reserve made it hard for guys to read me and the ones who liked me thought of me as the kind of person they wanted to settle down with after they had sewn their wild oats. :rolli:

    My husband, OTOH, knew that college was probably going to be his best opportunity to wife shop, so to speak. It was a target rich environment of people that shared his values and goals and stuff. When he saw me and liked me, he didn't say to himself that he would get back to me later after he played the field.

    I think it can be hard for an IN of any type to find a suitable partner, but thankfully, if you are selective most of us are content to just find that one. I think that's a lot more efficient than the way some folks change partners like they change shoes.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  3. #13
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    Regardless of type.. Love is not common.

    That is why it is so valued and precious. Finding it is never easy.

    Note.. This is not to be confused with sex and or casual relationships. Some people have no problems engaging in casual or sexual relationships, so they might not feel the sting of loneliness like people who value love above all else.

  4. #14
    Member Fenekk's Avatar
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    I'm glad I'm not alone. Take the normal INFJ issues with relationships and compound on major personal trust issues (granted, I trust "people" as a whole quite a bit. It's when things get more personal that my discretion kicks in full-force), and cynical attitudes toward romance (Ti twisting its dagger in my heart), and you've got me.

    On top of my already-awkward personality, I have mental barriers in excess that I am well aware of. It's not that I don't believe in true love or that I will never find anyone to love... it's more or less that my discretion is terribly strong on top of my uncanny ability to push potential boyfriends away (even though I don't know I'm doing it). Lately I've realized that a lot of guys have had crushes on me in the past that I never knew about. I guess it is because being mysterious is alluring, but makes it far more difficult for people to muster up the courage to approach you (and, for that matter, understand you). I'm always waiting for guys to approach -me- about relationships. I don't flirt and I don't ask guys out... So honestly, I don't expect relationships to happen. They aren't even on my priority list at all - I feel like I have to take care of myself first before I can take on the burdens of being with someone else.

    It's not that I don't want a relationship or that I don't think I can function in one - it's just not what I am focusing on at the moment. And, if my mental barriers and discretion remain as strong as they are now, I don't know if I can find that soulmate I truly want. I'm just too intent on protecting myself.
    NaNoWriMo 2010 [[Nahe: Iveor]]
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  5. #15
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    The dramas of the infj!!! But you know what?! I wouldnt change my personality for anything! I love myself and am too valuable to marry anyone who is unable to appreciate who i am. We infjs need to be firm in our beliefs about ourselves and others and dont give a rip about anyones disaproval. So fellow infjs, don't give up and don't give in!

  6. #16
    Member Fenekk's Avatar
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    I'm with Expanding on this one. Never have worried too much about it - I just feel like I have a bit of an unusual situation, to say the least...
    NaNoWriMo 2010 [[Nahe: Iveor]]
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  7. #17
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    That's so good to know that I'm not alone!

  8. #18
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    haha I have ISFJ mother and ESFJ grandmother too
    they too have tried to help me ... they say I am too serious, too boring, not chatty or lively enough, don't have good enough posture/skin/haircolor/clothing etc. for a guy to take note of me and like me

    My first relationship was an ENTP. We were together for several years, good portion of this time we actually lived together. While I was with him I have started taking on some of his personality traits. This included a more easy-going approach to life, more optimism, more confidence in myself. He was so surprised that I did not have a boyfriend back at the time that he sent in his friend to check me out, as he thought I was playing around. In the end he left me, twice, second time I decided it will be forever. This whole experience let me grow and develop my Ti more and perhaps Ne as well. I think being with him has made me more flirty and spontaneous and not afraid to act silly with other people, in fact wanting to act carefree and silly at times. This had an effect of attracting another ENTP and two INTPs to me such that 3 months after the relationship ended this second ENTP was already declaring his undying love for me, and the INTPs switched from observation to actually starting conversations.

    How to deal with looking for the Ultimate Relationship. Hmm, well I was never actually looking for one. I have observed the reality in my teens. Reality back then for me was that some people in my family married and re-married, some spent decades living in not-so-happy relationships fighting, verbally and sometimes physically, and only a small portion was able to find that life-long content relationship. And I just embraced this reality and decided that this is how things go. I have already made a 'mistake' once - was in a relationship that lasted several years and did not culminate in marriage for life - and nevertheless it was an overall very positive experience for me that I do not regret. So while I am very hopeful that one day I will meet that special person with whom I will be able to spend the rest of my life, I may not get this lucky, and this should not preclude me from at least trying.

    So while you may not find an ExxP significant other right away, I would suggest to perhaps find a few ENFP friends and just spend some time hanging out with them, mirroring them, trying to step into their shoes and mentally adopt their outlook on life. This has the ability of lightening up some of that INFJ seriousness and deepness that makes us look so unapproachable to other people and difficult to relate to.

  9. #19
    Senior Member Sparrow's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cfs1992 View Post
    People believe that I'm intelectually intimidating, too serious and that my strong personality and deep nature make the guys around me "afraid" of me at first sight, making them think that I'm inaccessible for them.
    This is the impression that people have of me firstly, but when they get closer they see my caring nature etc.
    Finding a love is being a hard time for me, because I'm very shy in this aspect, and I'm not the kind of flirty girl... and I don't know what to do about this. My ESFJ grandma and my ISFJ mom try to help me to put my feet on the ground and stop to search the Ultimate Relationship, but I still find it very hard.

    Someone here that have or had this problem? How did you deal with this?
    It usually happens when you least expect it once you stop looking, then bam!
    Fe | Ni | Se | Ti ... 3w4 ... Lawful Neutral ... Johari -Nohari

  10. #20
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    You all have my full understanding. My new focus now is "what can i contribute to this person/situation?" without any expectations whatsoever - i want to feel good, and not end up being a victim of my own actions. I have learnt the hard way and don't want to keep going down the same road ending up suffering. So to strengthen my focus i will add, "what will be a likely consequence of this action? If positive then go ahead. If negative then reconsider." Easier said than done folks, but its worth a try.

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