[MBTI General] INFJ having difficulties to find a love...

[r.a]

been 3 years since i've been in an actual relationship. i may (lightly) date 1 or 2 women a year, but thats about it.

i idealize a lot. the majorities of relationships with women i have these days is mental. i'll meet a woman i like, romanticize on the idea of being with her, and either wear myself out on it and grow bored and never pursue it, or half-ass pursue it and sabotage it for myself.

i also have a bad habit of getting a girl's number and never calling her. not as much because i am not attracted to her. i could be extremely attracted to her and i just don't call. i find all kinds of excuses not to call.

i also have a fear of being rejected by a woman i see or cross paths with on a regular basis. i'll never make a move or botch my own first moves.

 

[Onceajoan]

1+

 

[DJAchtundvierzig]

People believe that I'm intelectually intimidating, too serious and that my strong personality and deep nature make the guys around me "afraid" of me at first sight, making them think that I'm inaccessible for them.
This is the impression that people have of me firstly, but when they get closer they see my caring nature etc.
Finding a love is being a hard time for me, because I'm very shy in this aspect, and I'm not the kind of flirty girl... and I don't know what to do about this. My ESFJ grandma and my ISFJ mom try to help me to put my feet on the ground and stop to search the Ultimate Relationship, but I still find it very hard.

Someone here that have or had this problem? How did you deal with this?

I can relate to everything you justsaid there, except for your mom being an ISFJ. My advice... Never change yourself no matter how much you want to. If a guy likes you as you are, the relationship will be more meaningful. And it's better to have no relationship than a fake one. Thats just wasted time and energy... But then again, better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. SO..I guess I can't help you out after all. But just keep looking and put your neck out there, he will come along eventualy.

 

[Quiet]

I belong in this thread too. I'm newly single, and part of me is excited about getting used to a new life alone. But I'm worried about easily becoming too detached from reality and feeling satisfied with life by myself. Although I do at times dare to dream about the ultimate relationship with someone, I don't believe its my time to explore that route. Its too soon, and I know I need to work on myself first. Besides, I just end up feeling sad and lonely when I think about that long held unmet need, so I take that as a sure sign that I should stay single until I'm in a more balanced place.

 

[Skyward]

guys who ignored me were perfect because I could never get close enough for them to come tumbling down off the pedestal I'd built in my fantastical, sickly sweet romantic mind.

This is SO TRUE for the opposite: men pining for women they can't really approach!

been 3 years since i've been in an actual relationship. i may (lightly) date 1 or 2 women a year, but thats about it.

i idealize a lot. the majorities of relationships with women i have these days is mental. i'll meet a woman i like, romanticize on the idea of being with her, and either wear myself out on it and grow bored and never pursue it, or half-ass pursue it and sabotage it for myself.

i also have a bad habit of getting a girl's number and never calling her. not as much because i am not attracted to her. i could be extremely attracted to her and i just don't call. i find all kinds of excuses not to call.

i also have a fear of being rejected by a woman i see or cross paths with on a regular basis. i'll never make a move or botch my own first moves.

I can relate. A combination of a fear of rejection and being satisfied with an imaginary mental relationship do not a real relationship make.

They are also over-thought about on my part. I constantly check and recheck aspects of them to be sure if they're 'right.' 'Can I handle X about them?' 'If/When we have to change to meet at the middle for each other, what would be hard for me to change?' 'What would I say and how would I say it?'

When I'm attracted to someone it feels as though I've already lost. If I don't distance myself a little bit I cannot think or talk around that person and then tact is just out the window and then awkwardness is the word.

It's easiest if the person is available when my Fe/Se start steamrolling. Fe and Se have no fear

 

[Phantonym]

But I'm worried about easily becoming too detached from reality and feeling satisfied with life by myself.

Wow. I just had an epiphany...

 

[Skyward]

Wow. I just had an epiphany...

Ditto!

Reality is something I deal with on a need-to basis. I have the most joy outside of it, and I don't think I could handle being in a relationship with someone who was the opposite unless we REALLY connected in some other way.

 

[Ethan Bear]

If I could give you a thought to think about, you dont want any guy to be with you. You only want the ones bold enough to pursue you and figure out who you are.

I know that my not help, but dont settle for less than you deserve.

 

[Crescent Fresh]

I honestly felt for INFJ, we don't try hard to make an approach if we've found one. Even if we did put an attempt to make our first move, it's not obvious enough for them. Most people would blame for our shyness, though for me, I would just rather to take things really slowly.

Perhaps it's a trust issue, but it really has to do with how passive we can be for showing our interests in others. And that's really bad.

For me, I still think that I'm living in this fantasy of seeking for the purest form of love, where things have to be perfect. If I discover a minor flaw from someone, I almost immediately back out a little. Eventually, it's like a chase of a long and dragging ping-pong tournament, where the ball start bouncing further and further, until we lost it eventually.

I don't know if this makes any sense but I can definitely see the need of having some reality check of imperfection from others--which is something I'm still trying to work hard on overcoming myself.

 

[SilkRoad]

I honestly felt for INFJ, we don't try hard to make an approach if we've found one. Even if we did put an attempt to make our first move, it's not obvious enough for them. Most people would blame for our shyness, though for me, I would just rather to take things really slowly.

Perhaps it's a trust issue, but it really has to do with how passive we can be for showing our interests in others. And that's really bad.

I relate to this...I always worry about coming on too strong and scaring people off. Which is frankly hilarious because then it usually turns out that the guys I liked had no idea. Or thought it was only a faint possibility that I liked them.

It's weird in a way though, because I usually only fall for people who I know or am getting to know reasonably well, and at that point I've probably shared some of my emotions with them and have told them at least a bit about my emotional struggles and how things may have hurt or been difficult for me in the past. But somehow, they still have this image of me as someone who is totally thick-skinned and think that because I'm easy going, I don't feel things that strongly. I just don't get that. It's like, I TOLD YOU that I feel strongly about things. How much more must I spell it out?

Mind you, a lot of people say things they don't mean. Maybe they think I'm exaggerating when I talk about my feelings. I don't say things I don't mean, as a rule. But maybe they just see a calm exterior and think that's all there is to me and there's no inner turmoil or longing.

Meanwhile, I'm working on ignoring more of what people say and looking at what they do, because it's usually best to assume that others say things they don't mean. Oh, the confusion!

 

[Mysterious15]

Although I haven't read all of the posts I would just like to say....Good Luck on finding that soul-mate! And for those who already have, I am honestly, truly happy for you guys.
I believe there is a person out there who will understand and appreciate me.....its just that I am scared that it will be too late by then. Getting married early is something of a tradition in my family. I have never been in a relationship before, nor have boys really interested me in that way. (not that I have had a chance to talk to many boys) because everyone I meet just.....doesn't understand me at all! Girls don't and boys are completely out of option. So I have decided to try becoming independent, (that will take some time though) as my mother is an ESFJ she totally does not understand my needs on this subject and is always fretting over my appearance.
I will find the person one day, just need to hold on until then. And I think you should too! Never give up! And so what if you aren't a flirt or ask guys out? That is your personality and should not change. We are looking for emotional love, not physical, and because of that we can be hated, as well as treasured.
I think I have said enough.......don't lose hope! And continue on, there are millions of people in this world after all, chances are never 0!