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  1. #11
    likes this gromit's Avatar
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    Don't listen to people who say it's a bad idea based on type, 2XtremeENFP! If it works for you, then that's what matters...

    As for how to deal with the ISTJ mom, I'm not sure I have much great advice for ISTJ people in specific. I'm trying to think if I know any ISTJs in RL (I don't know the types of most of the people I know in real life, so I don't know how to know what an ISTJ would care about for their offspring).

    In general, though, I'd say just do your best to show that you're responsible and that you care for this guy and that you're not flaky or wild, at least when it comes to your relationship. In addition, trying to develop a relationship with her personally could be a good way to go. Obviously you're trying to do this and it's tough because you don't have a lot of the same tastes as the rest of the family, but certainly there must be at least SOME common interest over which you could bond... try to reach out in small ways. Maybe even try to understand why they like the things that they do...? Also, have you talked to him about it? You could tell him how you want to get to know his family/mother better, ask him does he have any suggestions? Any fun activities you can do with them and him together?

    Of course, after a certain point there's only so much you can do, right? If he has made the choice to be with you, that matters more. Well, I guess how old are you guys? That could have an impact on the situation too. Sorry if you mentioned it already somewhere else in the thread.
    Your kisses, sweeter than honey. But guess what, so is my money.

  2. #12
    Senior Member swordpath's Avatar
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    What is it about you that she doesn't like... or that you feel she doesn't like? More info needed.

    Does your boyfriend seem to affirm the idea that his mom isn't all that excited about you or is this something you've fabricated in your own mind? Are you positive she's acted any differently towards a prior girlfriend of his, and isn't just "this way" (however that may be) with any female in his life?

  3. #13
    Senior Member alcea rosea's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chris_in_Orbit View Post
    Stop relating this instance to typology. Some parents don't think someone is good enough for their child simply because they believe they know what's best for their child.
    I agree very much with this. Some mothers, no matter of the type, don't approve their son's fiance. And there's nothing a person could do but to accept the fact.

    It's not a nice situation and I know how you feel, I mean I don't really get along with my mother in law. I mean, we do get along the "civilized way" but I feel the coldness there and the "not approving attitude".

    But as long as the one you are dating is "on your side" meaning that he looks after you when with his parents and he doesn't go to his mother's side on arguments, then things are ok. You two can live "happily ever after" even if the mother doens't approve. It's not easy with the mother, probably, but it's just the fact that you'll have to accept and then deal with her the best way you know. But don't use too much energy there, if she doesn't approve, it'll take probably quite a long time for her to change her opinion of you if she ever will.

  4. #14
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by alcea rosea View Post
    I agree very much with this. Some mothers, no matter of the type, don't approve their son's fiance. And there's nothing a person could do but to accept the fact.

    It's not a nice situation and I know how you feel, I mean I don't really get along with my mother in law. I mean, we do get along the "civilized way" but I feel the coldness there and the "not approving attitude".

    But as long as the one you are dating is "on your side" meaning that he looks after you when with his parents and he doesn't go to his mother's side on arguments, then things are ok. You two can live "happily ever after" even if the mother doens't approve. It's not easy with the mother, probably, but it's just the fact that you'll have to accept and then deal with her the best way you know. But don't use too much energy there, if she doesn't approve, it'll take probably quite a long time for her to change her opinion of you if she ever will.
    you're absolutely right so i deleted my frivolous rant.

    just make sure he gets that you're not going to grow up one day and be like his mother.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  5. #15
    Senior Member alcea rosea's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post
    just make sure he gets that you're not going to grow up one day and be like his mother.
    Yes, that would be a good point to make before getting married. it's good that the man understands that she'll be never like his mother. And it is much better if the man isn't looking for a wife who is excactly like his mother...

  6. #16
    The Duchess of Oddity Queen Kat's Avatar
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    Older people usually call me crazy, lazy, stubborn and adorable, or otherwhise they just call me friendly and adorable.
    I was sitting outside the classroom waiting to go in, and I saw an airplane hit the tower. The TV was obviously on. I used to fly myself and I said, "There's one terrible pilot."
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    If you don't agree about my MBTI type, you can complain about it here. I've had plenty of people telling me I'm something else, in my reputation box. That's annoying.

  7. #17
    Professional Trickster Esoteric Wench's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    i've been with him for 5 years, and I have been up and down, I have decided that I am going to be my whole Extreme ENFP self and not hide it. Sure, I do want to develop my Te, which is what I do admire in him. But you're absolutely right, being raised in an ISTJ culture definitely has helped him develop some skewed point of views. I do have a hard time fitting in with his family... We are much more successful working on our ENFP and ISTJ relationship when it's just us, when you throw his family into the picture, I think they brainwash him..
    2XtremeENFP, in typical P fashion, I never like to say never. Could you be happy with this guy in the longterm? Perhaps. And five years is a big investment to walk away from. But seeing that you could make things work, is not the same as having the optimal relationship to make them work. So there's more to the story here than, "could it work out between me and this ISTJ and his ISTJ family?"

    Am I advocating that you dump him just because he's an ISTJ? Absolutely not. But what I am challenging you to do is to take a realllllllly hard look at the facts. Use that Te that you so admire in your boyfriend. Ask yourself if you are willing to put in all the extra work for the next 40-50 years into this relationship to overcome the inherent communications obstacles.

    When I say EXTRA WORK I mean in comparison to someone who is on your wavelength.... like any N in general and an NF in particular.

    If you don't mind answering, how old are you? How much dating experience have you had? Let me share with you some mistakes I've made: I'm in my late 30s. And, it wasn't until two years ago shortly after my ESFP boyfriend (with his dominant Se) and I broke up, that I FINALLY got HOW DIFFERENT Ss and Ns were. It's not that he and I didn't want the same things in life so much as we didn't speak the same language about the things we wanted.

    So if I could share the lesson I've finally learned with others, I'd tell those with dominant S/N functions to be very aware of the communication gap when dating someone with a differing but dominant S/N function.

    In my and your case, 2XtremeENFP, we have dominant Intuition (Ne). According to some (see link here) this means that it is more important for you than people with dominant T/F (like an INFP with dominant Fi, for example) to be with someone who matches your dominant function. In other words, the communication gap is wider for you and other dominant S/N types. You know who else this is true for? ISTJs with their dominant Introverted Sensing. They, too, are happiest with dominant Sensors.... which you are not.

    I asked about your dating experience because I can tell you that compared to dating an S, dating an N is like living on a cloud. I was wondering if you've ever experienced this S/N difference in your dating life and how it felt to you? Ns get me. They don't mind when I hop around in the conversation or when I spend hours rambling on about ideas. There is a deep, fulfilling way of communicating among Ns that is not possible with Ss... and especially with dominant Sensors.

    You may be attracted to the stability of your ISTJ. But there are Ns that can give you this kind of stability, too. In fact, INTJs and INFJs (and I've seriously dated both) give me that kind of stability and it is very nice.

    Your ISTJ may be a great guy. But life is so short and so hard. I've come to the conclusion that while I can't stop fighting battles in life, I can sometimes choose which battles I fight.... I have chosen to not fight the S/N battle with my significant other.

    I hope this gives you some insight that will help you while you make your own decisions.


  8. #18
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    that's my experience too...but what's the point sharing it? no one is going to split up with their bf over an mbti type nor should they...and really people can be both compatible and very different as long as they truly appreciate those differences. that was something missing from my relationship. we just barely tolerated them...but mostly i thought the things he valued were petty and he thought the things i valued were unrealistic or as he would put it...just not the way things are done in the real world....so yeah...i will never enter another relationship where communication is that difficult...or values are not genuinely respected.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  9. #19
    Professional Trickster Esoteric Wench's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post
    that's my experience too...but what's the point sharing it? no one is going to split up with their bf over an mbti type nor should they...and really people can be both compatible and very different as long as they truly appreciate those differences. that was something missing from my relationship. we just barely tolerated them...but mostly i thought the things he valued were petty and he thought the things i valued were unrealistic or as he would put it...just not the way things are done in the real world....so yeah...i will never enter another relationship where communication is that difficult...or values are not genuinely respected.
    Agreed. No one should split up over an MBTI type.

    But I think there is some value in sharing my experiences.

    Understanding the MBTI theory has made me better at recognizing long term styles of interaction that are hard for me to see otherwise. In other words, it's taught me how to see the box I was born into... and the box my significant other was born into.

    We're all born into boxes. I guess that all we can hope for is to be aware of these boxes, not let them limit us too much, and to better choose what kind of boxes work best for us (in terms of romantic relationships).

    It's information to file away. Then over time - as the relationship has its natural ups and downs - she can see if those hills and valleys caused by MBTI differences are something she wants to deal with in the long term. Even if she stays with her ISTJ, this information can be useful. It can help her understand and appreciate just how differently they see the world and interact with it. I might also help her bridge the communication gaps inherent to ENFP / ISTJ interactions. Additionally, this understanding could be applied to her relationship with her boyfriend's mother.

  10. #20
    Post-Humorously stalemate's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post
    that's my experience too...but what's the point sharing it? no one is going to split up with their bf over an mbti type nor should they...
    I agree with this, but from reading this forum, it sometimes seems that people really would split up over it. Or at least, they wouldn't even give it a chance at all with someone because of type. Like "I just don't get along with XXXX's" that kind of thing. I understand that this is a typology forum, but there seems to be so much emphasis on it here that it is used in a restrictive way at times. Do you know what I mean? I haven't been able to figure out if people really behave like this in real life or what.

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