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[INFJ] INFJ and the Window.

Arclight

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Hello INFJs .

I see things. I know you guys are the E-Ninjas and investigators.
I know, despite your general warm and caring natures, there is a duality laced with a streak of cruelty, self righeousness, paranoia and revenge.
All of this is ascertainable just reading the doorslam thread.
You can debate this, but it's not the point of the thread.

The point is.
You love someone, you have called them your soul mate and tried to "save" this person.
This person has rejected your saving. bascially despite this person loving you. They have rejcted you.
You feel hurt and angry. In dealing with your hurt and anger you have villified this person.
You feel horrified that you have been rejcted and through villification have decided that you have also been manipulated and ergo, now feel your love and effort were wasted.Whether this is accurate or not, You feel it and that is what matters.

So on one level you care deeply and are hurt by a person, on the other hand you so hurt and angry and you have doorslammed.

However after the doorslam you have a window into this person's life.
Maybe a forum like this one, Facebook or whatnot.

Do you:

1- Look in this window?
2- If Yes, for how long after the doorslam?
3-Why?

In your ambivalence towards this person as you monitor them, do you

4- Wish them the best and take joy from their growth and success
5- Stick a pin in the effigey you have made of them and send out negative energy, hoping they fail until you feel satisfied that they have understood your own pain.

Thanks to anyone who reads and answers this.
 

cafe

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Soulmates don't need saving. They are equals.
 

Tiltyred

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I do any number of those things in any combination, depending on how things were left. After reading your post, I thought about someone I used to work with who left to work somewhere else but in the same field, so his name occasionally comes up. Whenever I hear it, I say "That asshole," the same way you might say "May he rest in peace" after someone mentions a dead person's name. I know sometimes people say to me 'Hey, I saw So-and-So the other day!" just so they can watch me say "That asshole!" and be amused, because it's predictable and I can't help it and will always feel that way about him.
 

Lux

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To be honest, I do not see myself in your description, I would never try to save anyone, I don't like that unbalance. Also, I am not, nor have I ever been interested in revenge, at all. It is pointless. I have only doorslammed one person in my life and it was only because they were a danger to my child, so I feel that is a valid reason. All of this aside, you asked for opinions, so... :)

1- Look in this window?
It depends, but probably.

2- If Yes, for how long after the doorslam?
When I can honestly say I see the situation clearly and am not being swayed by a false reality that I created.

In your ambivalence towards this person as you monitor them, do you

4- Wish them the best and take joy from their growth and success
Of course, I wish this for every human, people change, people grow. I never ever wish poisonous ill-will toward people outside of a joke.

5- Stick a pin in the effigey you have made of them and send out negative energy, hoping they fail until you feel satisfied that they have understood your own pain. That is just petty and ridiculous, no.

Soulmates don't need saving. They are equals.

Not to sound childish but... + infinity!
 

Quay

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1- Look in this window? Often
2- If Yes, for how long after the doorslam? Until I figured out I need to let it go...worst case, about 1.5 years.
3-Why? I wanted to know if the person is suffering just as much as I am. It would only be fair. And I wished pain and bad luck upon the person. That's the revenge thing.

In your ambivalence towards this person as you monitor them, do you

4- Wish them the best and take joy from their growth and success After I figured out I was destroying my soul waiting for the person's downfall. Very selfish and I didn't care if the person was successful. I still don't. Neutral all the way around.
5- Stick a pin in the effigey you have made of them and send out negative energy, hoping they fail until you feel satisfied that they have understood your own pain. Gawd...this is the most useless behavior I have ever engaged in. But I have done this metaphorically. One day, I peeked through the slammed door and talked to the person, saw the person had suffered for a while and was on a mission of personal growth. I was then satisfied, and permanently shut the door. Sad part was I didn't care about the success, but the suffrage, but I had to know. Haven't looked back since, except to write this out for ya...

Thanks to anyone who reads and answers this.

You're welcome.
 

Fidelia

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I don't really identify with what you are saying. The one or two people I have ever doorslammed are people that I just decided I no longer wanted to deal with because I could not trust them to be honest. At that point, there is no emotional investment left. I'm not even curious about where they are or what they are doing. They were not a significant other, just good friends that were part of one era of my life.

I think the desire to save or rescue an SO and then get angry and disappointed reflects INFJ immaturity/insecurity. INFJs struggle with drawing proper boundaries for themselves and others until they develop a stronger sense of self and also realize that they are not helping the other person or making them feel better when those boundaries are fuzzy. I have learned to be much more direct or to trust my intuitions about people much sooner than I used to, thereby saving both parties a lot of frustration or pain.

If on the other hand, the person was not doorslammed, but things were left unresolved between us, of course I will look through the window for a long time. Until I've figured out what really did happen, how the person felt about it and have laid it to rest, or until I've given up hope that any new information will come to light to help me better understand it.
 

Quay

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I think the desire to save or rescue an SO and then get angry and disappointed reflects INFJ immaturity/insecurity. INFJs struggle with drawing proper boundaries for themselves and others until they develop a stronger sense of self and also realize that they are not helping the other person or making them feel better when those boundaries are fuzzy. I have learned to be much more direct or to trust my intuitions about people much sooner than I used to, thereby saving both parties a lot of frustration or pain.

Very true....

My experience led me to check myself. I never established boundaries with people until I had the doorslam/window experience.
 
P

Phantonym

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The "doorslamming" is such a drastic way of ending things. To me it means that the person in question would never have a place in my life anymore in any way. This is not something I would do lightly because it would take too much effort from me and I tend to see something like this to be pointless waste of time.

Just because some people haven't heard from me for years doesn't mean that I have "doorslammed" them.

But, for the sake of this thread, hypothetically, if I happen to encounter the person who hurt me in the past:

1- Look in this window? Yes, probably.

2- If Yes, for how long after the doorslam? The length depends on how hurt I felt afterwards and how much I need to analyze things so that I could feel at peace with everything that happened. I need to find balance within myself in order to look at things more clearly and let it go eventually. It might take a very, very long while, though, since I can definitely find other, more positive things to obsess about.

3- Why? Why not? Curiosity probably. To see what has become of them. Maybe even test myself to see whether there is still something "left" to process.

In your ambivalence towards this person as you monitor them, do you

4- Wish them the best and take joy from their growth and success


Yes, most definitely. I tend to see it this way that holding on to "hate" that occupies your mind to such great extent, obsessing over that person, is doing myself more harm than it would ever do to others. I don't want anything bad to happen to anybody, I definitely don't find enjoyment in anybody's suffering. Wishing everybody the best is the only way to find peace of mind, in my opinion.

5- Stick a pin in the effigey you have made of them and send out negative energy, hoping they fail until you feel satisfied that they have understood your own pain.

What a waste of my precious time! I tend to save my energy for more constructive things than obessing over somebody elses misery.
 

CuriousFeeling

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After going through a round of betrayal from a close friend of mine, I feel that I can contribute.

Do you:

1- Look in this window?
Sometimes.

2- If Yes, for how long after the doorslam?
Months, years, depends on how seriously they betrayed or hurt me.

3-Why?
Curiosity. Wanting to see what's going on with the other person, seeing how things have played out since the "breakup" "doorslam," call it what you will.

In your ambivalence towards this person as you monitor them, do you

4- Wish them the best and take joy from their growth and success
5- Stick a pin in the effigey you have made of them and send out negative energy, hoping they fail until you feel satisfied that they have understood your own pain.

None of the above. I just leave them to their own devices and suffer consequences of their own actions. No pins and needles, negative energy, and not exactly in the well wishing either. More like, I just don't give a damn. It's their problem now, not mine, and it's not my responsibility to solve it either. I suppose I become a cold hard-ass bitch in this case. At first I stew over the anger/hurt and let it boil over, but then I turn into an ice queen.
 

kccrush

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If someone who I loved and trusted very much was extremely hurtful to me there is a slight chance I would monitor them...but only for a very short time before I convinced myself on a very rational level that I was only hurting myself by continuing to follow them. Then, even if I keep thinking about this person in my head, I will not allow myself to break a physical boundary and speak to them (including monitoring them), no matter how much I want to. I do not know how effective this approach is for me :) but it's one I employ on the occasions of extreme hurt by someone I loved (only two times so far...)

It's hard to answer your other questions since I don't monitor for long enough to see someone's successes, etc. Hope this is helpful.
 

ReadingRainbows

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If I do not send positive feelings the way of a person, I never, ever look them up again.

If I still care about them I *MIGHT* check in from time to time, out of curiosity to see how they are handling life and if they are happy. I'll never be contacting them though, I just wish they have a good life. After a time, I stop looking, I'll get busy with other things and forget. Then after awhile, I'll barely remember any of why I cared enough to wonder anyways.

I'm not really a doorslaming person in general, but once someone hurts me on a level, I won't initiate contact with them. Why put your hand in the fire again when it's already been burned?
 

Arclight

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Thanks everyone for responding.

As usual the variation in responses leaves me no more informed then before I began the thread but also more informed.. it's a toss up.

What can I say? I would think after the time that has passed, that someone who has closed me off would also close themselves off from me.
A recent event suggests otherwise, and it's unnerving and very unsettling and perhaps even hurtful.
 

Lily flower

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I am an INFJ and I have never doorslammed anyone. Sometimes I have trouble getting back to people because I introvert too much, but I never reject people consciously. I had one relationship with an ENFP who doorslammed me, and I was very curious about looking through the window, but I also felt guilty doing it purposefully, so I forced myself to not look.
 

Expanding

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I think that infj behaviours are often misjudged and misunderstood. We need a great deal of time out and reflection for things to process, and if we become overwhelmed by emotions we tend to express that hard. We in our heads know, eventually, that we are going through a moment of intense inner turmoil and we just get on with doing what we tend to do in such cases ie: self-rejection etc. Others read these behaviours as a final statement when actually, often, we are just trying to hold ourselves from drowning. Its a survival instinct. Its our feeling state of mind. We need people to understand that behaviours are not facts. They are coming from somewhere because of something, and no assumptions should be made as to what the behaviours mean unless we tell you verbally and objectively how we feel
 

Arclight

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I think that infj behaviours are often misjudged and misunderstood. We need a great deal of time out and reflection for things to process, and if we become overwhelmed by emotions we tend to express that hard. We in our heads know, eventually, that we are going through a moment of intense inner turmoil and we just get on with doing what we tend to do in such cases ie: self-rejection etc. Others read these behaviours as a final statement when actually, often, we are just trying to hold ourselves from drowning. Its a survival instinct. Its our feeling state of mind. We need people to understand that behaviours are not facts. They are coming from somewhere because of something, and no assumptions should be made as to what the behaviours mean unless we tell you verbally and objectively how we feel

It's 11 months later and we still don't speak.. I don't think I am misunderstanding or misjudging anything.
Her intentions were of a punitive nature as well as self preservation.

Behaviors are not facts??
Once you have behaved, it's recorded history.
It becomes fact.
 

Expanding

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Im sorry that this infj has doorslammed you. I wonder if he/she was being hotheaded and now regrets the behaviour but is too scared to be in touch with you now, or is punishing him/herself by not giving him/herself a chance to let you back in. Ie: he won't let himself have your friendship because he may feel unworthy of it due to his causing you pain. I guess i was refering to behaviour in general, and the typical infj tendencies. Behaviours become facts, but the reasons behind behaviours need to be looked at in understanding a persons actions, as opposed to judging actual behaviour only. Ie: when i go quiet my friend often thinks im not interested in her, when in actual fact im just overloaded and tired etc.
 

Arclight

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Im sorry that this infj has doorslammed you. I wonder if he/she was being hotheaded and now regrets the behaviour but is too scared to be in touch with you now, or is punishing him/herself by not giving him/herself a chance to let you back in. Ie: he won't let himself have your friendship because he may feel unworthy of it due to his causing you pain. I guess i was refering to behaviour in general, and the typical infj tendencies. Behaviours become facts, but the reasons behind behaviours need to be looked at in understanding a persons actions, as opposed to judging actual behaviour only. Ie: when i go quiet my friend often thinks im not interested in her, when in actual fact im just overloaded and tired etc.

Thank you..
I have pondered if she has any regrets and is too scared or embarrassed to contact me.

I discussed it at length with another INFJ .. and we concluded that, and I quote ."If pride is more important than the feelings of the people you love, then what is that kind of love worth?"
If she was hurt, and knew I was hurt .. if she loved and knew I loved then why would fear ,embarrassment or pride stop her.??
She is aware of realty, she just chooses to accept a construct instead.
She was worth of my love then, and I never withdrew it.
So although what you are saying is possible.
It is highly improbable in this instance.
This is a person now who has gone as far as to blame me for stuff before we even met.

I always considered the reasons behind her's and anyone else's behaviors, That is my nature.
I always saw beyond the surface with her. She just didn't like that accused me of mind control.. Literally.
I have given her the benefit of doubt on so many things and shouldered the blame for many things that were not mine to own.

Any behavior can be justified.. But that doesn't make it just.
And if you have hidden intentions and your behavior belies you.
Well some people are actually going to pick up on that.
Then what?
 

Expanding

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Maybe she is a particular bitter infj, or isn't living in reality, which is very possible with infj's. ( I do constant reality checks to make sure im still 'here'). As for behaviours: i need to do some thinking about this. I guess you're right, behaviour is behaviour and abstract (intentions) is abstract. And reality is reality. I now acknowledge that actions really do speak louder than words. It's time for me to pay more attention to my behaviours, and to explain myself if and when need be. Thanks for this thread, it has helped me.
 

Aquarelle

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I don't really identify with what you are saying. The one or two people I have ever doorslammed are people that I just decided I no longer wanted to deal with because I could not trust them to be honest. At that point, there is no emotional investment left. I'm not even curious about where they are or what they are doing. They were not a significant other, just good friends that were part of one era of my life.

I think the desire to save or rescue an SO and then get angry and disappointed reflects INFJ immaturity/insecurity. INFJs struggle with drawing proper boundaries for themselves and others until they develop a stronger sense of self and also realize that they are not helping the other person or making them feel better when those boundaries are fuzzy. I have learned to be much more direct or to trust my intuitions about people much sooner than I used to, thereby saving both parties a lot of frustration or pain.

If on the other hand, the person was not doorslammed, but things were left unresolved between us, of course I will look through the window for a long time. Until I've figured out what really did happen, how the person felt about it and have laid it to rest, or until I've given up hope that any new information will come to light to help me better understand it.
This is precisely what I would have said. :)
 
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