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  1. #1
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    Default INFJ and the Window.

    Hello INFJs .

    I see things. I know you guys are the E-Ninjas and investigators.
    I know, despite your general warm and caring natures, there is a duality laced with a streak of cruelty, self righeousness, paranoia and revenge.
    All of this is ascertainable just reading the doorslam thread.
    You can debate this, but it's not the point of the thread.

    The point is.
    You love someone, you have called them your soul mate and tried to "save" this person.
    This person has rejected your saving. bascially despite this person loving you. They have rejcted you.
    You feel hurt and angry. In dealing with your hurt and anger you have villified this person.
    You feel horrified that you have been rejcted and through villification have decided that you have also been manipulated and ergo, now feel your love and effort were wasted.Whether this is accurate or not, You feel it and that is what matters.

    So on one level you care deeply and are hurt by a person, on the other hand you so hurt and angry and you have doorslammed.

    However after the doorslam you have a window into this person's life.
    Maybe a forum like this one, Facebook or whatnot.

    Do you:

    1- Look in this window?
    2- If Yes, for how long after the doorslam?
    3-Why?

    In your ambivalence towards this person as you monitor them, do you

    4- Wish them the best and take joy from their growth and success
    5- Stick a pin in the effigey you have made of them and send out negative energy, hoping they fail until you feel satisfied that they have understood your own pain.

    Thanks to anyone who reads and answers this.

  2. #2
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Soulmates don't need saving. They are equals.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    Soulmates don't need saving. They are equals.
    This is true, but not the point.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    I do any number of those things in any combination, depending on how things were left. After reading your post, I thought about someone I used to work with who left to work somewhere else but in the same field, so his name occasionally comes up. Whenever I hear it, I say "That asshole," the same way you might say "May he rest in peace" after someone mentions a dead person's name. I know sometimes people say to me 'Hey, I saw So-and-So the other day!" just so they can watch me say "That asshole!" and be amused, because it's predictable and I can't help it and will always feel that way about him.

  5. #5
    Kraken down on piracy Lux's Avatar
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    To be honest, I do not see myself in your description, I would never try to save anyone, I don't like that unbalance. Also, I am not, nor have I ever been interested in revenge, at all. It is pointless. I have only doorslammed one person in my life and it was only because they were a danger to my child, so I feel that is a valid reason. All of this aside, you asked for opinions, so...

    1- Look in this window?
    It depends, but probably.

    2- If Yes, for how long after the doorslam?
    When I can honestly say I see the situation clearly and am not being swayed by a false reality that I created.

    In your ambivalence towards this person as you monitor them, do you

    4- Wish them the best and take joy from their growth and success
    Of course, I wish this for every human, people change, people grow. I never ever wish poisonous ill-will toward people outside of a joke.

    5- Stick a pin in the effigey you have made of them and send out negative energy, hoping they fail until you feel satisfied that they have understood your own pain. That is just petty and ridiculous, no.

    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    Soulmates don't need saving. They are equals.
    Not to sound childish but... + infinity!
    "It is not length of life, but depth of life." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

    "Thought breeds thought." ~ Henry David Thoreau

  6. #6
    Peaced Quay's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Arclight View Post

    1- Look in this window? Often
    2- If Yes, for how long after the doorslam? Until I figured out I need to let it go...worst case, about 1.5 years.
    3-Why? I wanted to know if the person is suffering just as much as I am. It would only be fair. And I wished pain and bad luck upon the person. That's the revenge thing.

    In your ambivalence towards this person as you monitor them, do you

    4- Wish them the best and take joy from their growth and success After I figured out I was destroying my soul waiting for the person's downfall. Very selfish and I didn't care if the person was successful. I still don't. Neutral all the way around.
    5- Stick a pin in the effigey you have made of them and send out negative energy, hoping they fail until you feel satisfied that they have understood your own pain. Gawd...this is the most useless behavior I have ever engaged in. But I have done this metaphorically. One day, I peeked through the slammed door and talked to the person, saw the person had suffered for a while and was on a mission of personal growth. I was then satisfied, and permanently shut the door. Sad part was I didn't care about the success, but the suffrage, but I had to know. Haven't looked back since, except to write this out for ya...

    Thanks to anyone who reads and answers this.
    You're welcome.

  7. #7
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I don't really identify with what you are saying. The one or two people I have ever doorslammed are people that I just decided I no longer wanted to deal with because I could not trust them to be honest. At that point, there is no emotional investment left. I'm not even curious about where they are or what they are doing. They were not a significant other, just good friends that were part of one era of my life.

    I think the desire to save or rescue an SO and then get angry and disappointed reflects INFJ immaturity/insecurity. INFJs struggle with drawing proper boundaries for themselves and others until they develop a stronger sense of self and also realize that they are not helping the other person or making them feel better when those boundaries are fuzzy. I have learned to be much more direct or to trust my intuitions about people much sooner than I used to, thereby saving both parties a lot of frustration or pain.

    If on the other hand, the person was not doorslammed, but things were left unresolved between us, of course I will look through the window for a long time. Until I've figured out what really did happen, how the person felt about it and have laid it to rest, or until I've given up hope that any new information will come to light to help me better understand it.

  8. #8
    Peaced Quay's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    I think the desire to save or rescue an SO and then get angry and disappointed reflects INFJ immaturity/insecurity. INFJs struggle with drawing proper boundaries for themselves and others until they develop a stronger sense of self and also realize that they are not helping the other person or making them feel better when those boundaries are fuzzy. I have learned to be much more direct or to trust my intuitions about people much sooner than I used to, thereby saving both parties a lot of frustration or pain.
    Very true....

    My experience led me to check myself. I never established boundaries with people until I had the doorslam/window experience.

  9. #9
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    The "doorslamming" is such a drastic way of ending things. To me it means that the person in question would never have a place in my life anymore in any way. This is not something I would do lightly because it would take too much effort from me and I tend to see something like this to be pointless waste of time.

    Just because some people haven't heard from me for years doesn't mean that I have "doorslammed" them.

    But, for the sake of this thread, hypothetically, if I happen to encounter the person who hurt me in the past:

    1- Look in this window? Yes, probably.

    2- If Yes, for how long after the doorslam? The length depends on how hurt I felt afterwards and how much I need to analyze things so that I could feel at peace with everything that happened. I need to find balance within myself in order to look at things more clearly and let it go eventually. It might take a very, very long while, though, since I can definitely find other, more positive things to obsess about.

    3- Why? Why not? Curiosity probably. To see what has become of them. Maybe even test myself to see whether there is still something "left" to process.

    In your ambivalence towards this person as you monitor them, do you

    4- Wish them the best and take joy from their growth and success


    Yes, most definitely. I tend to see it this way that holding on to "hate" that occupies your mind to such great extent, obsessing over that person, is doing myself more harm than it would ever do to others. I don't want anything bad to happen to anybody, I definitely don't find enjoyment in anybody's suffering. Wishing everybody the best is the only way to find peace of mind, in my opinion.

    5- Stick a pin in the effigey you have made of them and send out negative energy, hoping they fail until you feel satisfied that they have understood your own pain.

    What a waste of my precious time! I tend to save my energy for more constructive things than obessing over somebody elses misery.

  10. #10
    From the Undertow CuriousFeeling's Avatar
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    After going through a round of betrayal from a close friend of mine, I feel that I can contribute.

    Do you:

    1- Look in this window?
    Sometimes.

    2- If Yes, for how long after the doorslam?
    Months, years, depends on how seriously they betrayed or hurt me.

    3-Why?
    Curiosity. Wanting to see what's going on with the other person, seeing how things have played out since the "breakup" "doorslam," call it what you will.

    In your ambivalence towards this person as you monitor them, do you

    4- Wish them the best and take joy from their growth and success
    5- Stick a pin in the effigey you have made of them and send out negative energy, hoping they fail until you feel satisfied that they have understood your own pain.

    None of the above. I just leave them to their own devices and suffer consequences of their own actions. No pins and needles, negative energy, and not exactly in the well wishing either. More like, I just don't give a damn. It's their problem now, not mine, and it's not my responsibility to solve it either. I suppose I become a cold hard-ass bitch in this case. At first I stew over the anger/hurt and let it boil over, but then I turn into an ice queen.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

    Johari/Nohari

    “Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings -- always darker, emptier and simpler.”
    ― Friedrich Nietzsche




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