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  1. #11
    Member kccrush's Avatar
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    If someone who I loved and trusted very much was extremely hurtful to me there is a slight chance I would monitor them...but only for a very short time before I convinced myself on a very rational level that I was only hurting myself by continuing to follow them. Then, even if I keep thinking about this person in my head, I will not allow myself to break a physical boundary and speak to them (including monitoring them), no matter how much I want to. I do not know how effective this approach is for me but it's one I employ on the occasions of extreme hurt by someone I loved (only two times so far...)

    It's hard to answer your other questions since I don't monitor for long enough to see someone's successes, etc. Hope this is helpful.

  2. #12
    Cat Wench ReadingRainbows's Avatar
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    If I do not send positive feelings the way of a person, I never, ever look them up again.

    If I still care about them I *MIGHT* check in from time to time, out of curiosity to see how they are handling life and if they are happy. I'll never be contacting them though, I just wish they have a good life. After a time, I stop looking, I'll get busy with other things and forget. Then after awhile, I'll barely remember any of why I cared enough to wonder anyways.

    I'm not really a doorslaming person in general, but once someone hurts me on a level, I won't initiate contact with them. Why put your hand in the fire again when it's already been burned?
    Quote Originally Posted by EffEmDoubleyou View Post
    St. Stephen took rocks and St. Sebastian took arrows. You only have to take some jerks on an internet forum. Nut up.

  3. #13
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    Thanks everyone for responding.

    As usual the variation in responses leaves me no more informed then before I began the thread but also more informed.. it's a toss up.

    What can I say? I would think after the time that has passed, that someone who has closed me off would also close themselves off from me.
    A recent event suggests otherwise, and it's unnerving and very unsettling and perhaps even hurtful.

  4. #14
    Senior Member Lily flower's Avatar
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    I am an INFJ and I have never doorslammed anyone. Sometimes I have trouble getting back to people because I introvert too much, but I never reject people consciously. I had one relationship with an ENFP who doorslammed me, and I was very curious about looking through the window, but I also felt guilty doing it purposefully, so I forced myself to not look.

  5. #15
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    I think that infj behaviours are often misjudged and misunderstood. We need a great deal of time out and reflection for things to process, and if we become overwhelmed by emotions we tend to express that hard. We in our heads know, eventually, that we are going through a moment of intense inner turmoil and we just get on with doing what we tend to do in such cases ie: self-rejection etc. Others read these behaviours as a final statement when actually, often, we are just trying to hold ourselves from drowning. Its a survival instinct. Its our feeling state of mind. We need people to understand that behaviours are not facts. They are coming from somewhere because of something, and no assumptions should be made as to what the behaviours mean unless we tell you verbally and objectively how we feel

  6. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Expanding View Post
    I think that infj behaviours are often misjudged and misunderstood. We need a great deal of time out and reflection for things to process, and if we become overwhelmed by emotions we tend to express that hard. We in our heads know, eventually, that we are going through a moment of intense inner turmoil and we just get on with doing what we tend to do in such cases ie: self-rejection etc. Others read these behaviours as a final statement when actually, often, we are just trying to hold ourselves from drowning. Its a survival instinct. Its our feeling state of mind. We need people to understand that behaviours are not facts. They are coming from somewhere because of something, and no assumptions should be made as to what the behaviours mean unless we tell you verbally and objectively how we feel
    It's 11 months later and we still don't speak.. I don't think I am misunderstanding or misjudging anything.
    Her intentions were of a punitive nature as well as self preservation.

    Behaviors are not facts??
    Once you have behaved, it's recorded history.
    It becomes fact.

  7. #17
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    Im sorry that this infj has doorslammed you. I wonder if he/she was being hotheaded and now regrets the behaviour but is too scared to be in touch with you now, or is punishing him/herself by not giving him/herself a chance to let you back in. Ie: he won't let himself have your friendship because he may feel unworthy of it due to his causing you pain. I guess i was refering to behaviour in general, and the typical infj tendencies. Behaviours become facts, but the reasons behind behaviours need to be looked at in understanding a persons actions, as opposed to judging actual behaviour only. Ie: when i go quiet my friend often thinks im not interested in her, when in actual fact im just overloaded and tired etc.

  8. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Expanding View Post
    Im sorry that this infj has doorslammed you. I wonder if he/she was being hotheaded and now regrets the behaviour but is too scared to be in touch with you now, or is punishing him/herself by not giving him/herself a chance to let you back in. Ie: he won't let himself have your friendship because he may feel unworthy of it due to his causing you pain. I guess i was refering to behaviour in general, and the typical infj tendencies. Behaviours become facts, but the reasons behind behaviours need to be looked at in understanding a persons actions, as opposed to judging actual behaviour only. Ie: when i go quiet my friend often thinks im not interested in her, when in actual fact im just overloaded and tired etc.
    Thank you..
    I have pondered if she has any regrets and is too scared or embarrassed to contact me.

    I discussed it at length with another INFJ .. and we concluded that, and I quote ."If pride is more important than the feelings of the people you love, then what is that kind of love worth?"
    If she was hurt, and knew I was hurt .. if she loved and knew I loved then why would fear ,embarrassment or pride stop her.??
    She is aware of realty, she just chooses to accept a construct instead.
    She was worth of my love then, and I never withdrew it.
    So although what you are saying is possible.
    It is highly improbable in this instance.
    This is a person now who has gone as far as to blame me for stuff before we even met.

    I always considered the reasons behind her's and anyone else's behaviors, That is my nature.
    I always saw beyond the surface with her. She just didn't like that accused me of mind control.. Literally.
    I have given her the benefit of doubt on so many things and shouldered the blame for many things that were not mine to own.

    Any behavior can be justified.. But that doesn't make it just.
    And if you have hidden intentions and your behavior belies you.
    Well some people are actually going to pick up on that.
    Then what?

  9. #19
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    Maybe she is a particular bitter infj, or isn't living in reality, which is very possible with infj's. ( I do constant reality checks to make sure im still 'here'). As for behaviours: i need to do some thinking about this. I guess you're right, behaviour is behaviour and abstract (intentions) is abstract. And reality is reality. I now acknowledge that actions really do speak louder than words. It's time for me to pay more attention to my behaviours, and to explain myself if and when need be. Thanks for this thread, it has helped me.

  10. #20
    Starcrossed Seafarer Aquarelle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    I don't really identify with what you are saying. The one or two people I have ever doorslammed are people that I just decided I no longer wanted to deal with because I could not trust them to be honest. At that point, there is no emotional investment left. I'm not even curious about where they are or what they are doing. They were not a significant other, just good friends that were part of one era of my life.

    I think the desire to save or rescue an SO and then get angry and disappointed reflects INFJ immaturity/insecurity. INFJs struggle with drawing proper boundaries for themselves and others until they develop a stronger sense of self and also realize that they are not helping the other person or making them feel better when those boundaries are fuzzy. I have learned to be much more direct or to trust my intuitions about people much sooner than I used to, thereby saving both parties a lot of frustration or pain.

    If on the other hand, the person was not doorslammed, but things were left unresolved between us, of course I will look through the window for a long time. Until I've figured out what really did happen, how the person felt about it and have laid it to rest, or until I've given up hope that any new information will come to light to help me better understand it.
    This is precisely what I would have said.
    Masquerading as a normal person day after day is exhausting.

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