I posted this about weeks ago when I was still little more than a newbie to this forum. My emotions were raw and melodramatic.
I've been focusing on trying to ignore what happened, but she contacted me today, and I feel like I'm right back at square one. Its like the lack of trust that this and past experiences have instilled in me is the only thing I'm able to define myself by anymore, and I hate it. My entire system is out of whack.
I feel incapable of connecting with anyone anymore, and for an INFJ that's a bit like a sailor on a sinking boat without a life-raft.
Personally, I would tell her to fuck off and/or go get help from a professional. It sounds like she's got issues and is trying to drag you along, which isn't fair to either of you. I had an ex pull this kind of crap on me one time and I was forced to just completely sever all contact with her.
“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.” -Nietzsche
It will take more than a month to assimilate such an experience. There will likely be times that are still only bearable if you limit yourself to five second increments of now-ness. If there is a sense of fog maybe it has begun to lift and it seems even more painful than it did at first. That's normal.
Thanks WoodsWoman. That's the best and most honest bit of advice I have seen seen so far. I appreciate it.
I'm grateful for people's sympathy, but advice and thoughts about dealing with my feelings and my seclusion is really want I would like to hear right now.
The girl can go jump in a river for all I care. I've just found the whole experience is a bad emotional place that I've been before and really do not like.
It feels like most or life has been little more than a growing list of people who have emotionally abused me or let me down, and it's turned me into a coward who feels completely incapable of connecting with people anymore. This girl wasn't the cause, it just made the feeling worse that's all.
"Life calls out the meaning of pure jubilance,
if you'll only take the time to hear it."
~ Words of Ivory ~
You will find 101 different angles, different ways to look at it, and to one degree or another they are all valid. You've lost more than a girlfriend - you lost whatever support she had previously granted you, the loss of all the potential future friendship (or more) that might have been shared. Each loss bring with it echoes of all the other losses you've shouldered - I see the echoes of this in your last post.
It is a grief process - everything we lose in life - a pet, a home, changes brought by graduating and leaving behind school, even a favorite shirt that wears out - will be grieved. Not just big things. The bigger things pull up more of the past than some of the others. Google 'stages of grief' - some say there are five others seven, but I think you'll recognize some of them.
I know I've needed time and time again in the last year and a quarter to be reminded that what I'm going through is normal, is part of a recognized process, and that it's going to take TIME. (grump) (sigh) ----(smile)
Everything you've shared here sounds reasonable to me - normal.
I've never experienced anything like this, so all I can say is I'm really sorry you had to witness that. Just try to think of something happier, if the thought enters your mind again just push it away by making yourself busy with something or thinking about something completely different.