User Tag List

123 Last

Results 1 to 10 of 41

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    44

    Default Is this typical of an INFJ?

    I’d like to consider myself a fairly healthy person, with an occasional side of anxiety, usually due to my perfectionist attitude and my idealistic view of how people should (could) be... this is sometimes over something that has happened in my life that creates unwanted drama. I get so worked up sometimes over why people do what they do. I know i have no control over it, but it still gets to me.

    Rant/Example:

    For instance, I had a friend a while back that seemed great on the outside but she was a complete mess on the inside. She tries way too hard to be someone she’s not. She talks shit behind people’s backs, then acts sickeningly nice online and in person... very fake. It’s like she’s two totally different people. And she’s also very self-centered. These issues caused me to distance myself from her. A few months ago, she wrote me and we both agreed that the friendship was over but that there were no longer any hard feelings. Then a few weeks later, she writes me again trying to start drama. I had already told her exactly how I felt, so I didn’t feel any need to respond again. Then just yesterday (a month later) she writes me again saying that she felt that my facebook messages were about her and she couldn’t be my friend anymore on there. First of all, no messages were about her. To be honest after she cheated on numerous people, then her husband, I really lost respect for her and stopped caring about her at all. She also mentioned how bad i hurt her by thinking she wasn't authentic, etc. So I read the message and laughed b/c of how ridiculous it was… but then couldn’t shake this annoying anxiety over it. Not b/c I care about her, but b/c I’m just so pissed that she keeps trying to start shit with me. Why the need for all the unnecessary drama?

    Does not being able to figure out the actions of others and drama give you anxiety? I woke up today in a total funk and just want to tell her to fuck off, but I know that won’t solve anything in the long run.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Tikka's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    133

    Default

    INFJs tend to gravitate to people in need, distress or emotional turmoil, in order to be their savior, or 'to see in them what others don't see'.

    You actually care, because if you didn't, you'd be ignoring her and shrugging off the situation.

    My advise: don't. If people aren't what they are, you are not the person to change them. This one is not special. There are thousands more like her.

  3. #3
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Posts
    2,631

    Default

    I can sort of relate. Sometimes someone I don't care about does something not nice, especially when they're openly hostile and confrontational, I feel very bothered. Technically, I shouldn't care, because usually if I don't care about someone, it's best that we have no interaction at all. I shut them out from my mind and they are completely invisible to me. However, if someone tries to become un-invisible by stirring up conflicts and confrontations, I can feel pretty ruffled because it totally disturbs my mental 'invisibility' set-up.

    Now that I think about it it seems kinda weird

  4. #4
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    1w2 so/sx
    Posts
    11,108

    Default

    I like people to be predictable when they are a regular part of my world. I don't want to be left guessing what their reactions will be or what they will do. I hate emotional surprises. Even if I don't feel emotionally invested, it still bugs me when people involve me in their drama in unexpected ways.

  5. #5
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    44

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Tikka View Post
    INFJs tend to gravitate to people in need, distress or emotional turmoil, in order to be their savior, or 'to see in them what others don't see'.

    If people aren't what they are, you are not the person to change them. This one is not special. There are thousands more like her.
    like i said, i know i don't have control over it, so i'm not trying to change her... i just sometimes wish i could understand why people do what they do... and why they have to involve me in it.

    on another note, i used to be like this a lot. i dated a guy who was a total disaster and i was the only one who saw his "good" side. then i grew up and realized i was crazy to think that so i moved on. since then, i've just tried to avoid the people wrapped up in drama. instead of feeling sorry for them, i become kind of cold, actually.

    Quote Originally Posted by 21% View Post
    I can sort of relate. Sometimes someone I don't care about does something not nice, especially when they're openly hostile and confrontational, I feel very bothered. Technically, I shouldn't care, because usually if I don't care about someone, it's best that we have no interaction at all. I shut them out from my mind and they are completely invisible to me. However, if someone tries to become un-invisible by stirring up conflicts and confrontations, I can feel pretty ruffled because it totally disturbs my mental 'invisibility' set-up.

    Now that I think about it it seems kinda weird
    I understand this completely! when someone gets to me, i tend to still try and shut them out b/c i would rather not come off as judgmental or stir up more drama. however, if i'm directly asked something, i will speak my mind. i'm not quick to do this b/c i know there's no value in what i think vs. what they think. yeah, it might make me feel great for a minute b/c i got my opinion out there, but in the long run (if it's personal) it just creates more problems.

    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    I hate emotional surprises. Even if I don't feel emotionally invested, it still bugs me when people involve me in their drama in unexpected ways.
    yeah, i feel the same way. emotional surprises is a great way to phrase it.

    thank you guys for the input.

  6. #6
    Senior Member the state i am in's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    MBTI
    infj
    Enneagram
    5w4 sx/sp
    Posts
    2,460

    Default

    conflict makes me get really anxious too. i feel like i have a difficult time asserting what i want because that gets muddled with what the other person wants and i take too much responsibility for the interaction rather than asserting what i need out of the situation. i have difficulty knowing what the right thing for me to do is, combined with worrying about negative outcomes.

    i instantaneously feel better when i am given insight into their motives. they become less foreign/hostile and more something i feel equipped to deal with--much like fidelia says when talking about predictability. i can be more open and hear more bc i am wasting less energy in emotional anxiousness. but if it keeps recurring i have to decide whether it is worth the energy investment to keep working on it or not. i can be a little stingy and withdraw if i feel the relationship is too one-sided.

  7. #7
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    44

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by the state i am in View Post
    i instantaneously feel better when i am given insight into their motives. they become less foreign/hostile and more something i feel equipped to deal with--much like fidelia says when talking about predictability. i can be more open and hear more bc i am wasting less energy in emotional anxiousness. but if it keeps recurring i have to decide whether it is worth the energy investment to keep working on it or not. i can be a little stingy and withdraw if i feel the relationship is too one-sided.
    i'm with you on this too. like if i find out someone i don't even know personally is talking about me or gossiping, i have a hard time b/c we don't know each other and i can't assess why they would be doing that. usually if they're being catty, i just ignore it, but i sometimes still wish i understood their reasoning.

  8. #8
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    139

    Default

    I understand this completely! when someone gets to me, i tend to still try and shut them out b/c i would rather not come off as judgmental or stir up more drama.
    It's been referred to as the INFJ Doorslam. Because we tend to feel things in an all or nothing way, the pattern is that we give someone our all, get overwhelmed by their insanity, then shut them out completely. It's very difficult for an INFJ to just be kinda/sorta friends with someone, and it's almost impossible for us to deal with Mean Girl type "frenemy" interactions. So our natural reaction is to just leave the aggravation behind completely. Many people have a really hard time understanding this and will try to maintain "friendly" contact way beyond the relationship's expiration date.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    468 sx/sp
    Socionics
    EII None
    Posts
    4,383

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by whynot View Post
    I woke up today in a total funk and just want to tell her to fuck off, but I know that won’t solve anything in the long run.
    Yes it will! You can say you're sorry she's having a bad time and that your opinion hurt her feelings, but that since you agreed the friendship is over, you would appreciate it if she would stop contacting you.

    Then block her if she does it again.

    Save your energy for a friendship that brings you joy and support rather than spending it on trying to figure out crazy people. She will find someone else to latch onto.

  10. #10
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    44

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by eclare View Post
    It's been referred to as the INFJ Doorslam. Because we tend to feel things in an all or nothing way, the pattern is that we give someone our all, get overwhelmed by their insanity, then shut them out completely. It's very difficult for an INFJ to just be kinda/sorta friends with someone, and it's almost impossible for us to deal with Mean Girl type "frenemy" interactions. So our natural reaction is to just leave the aggravation behind completely. Many people have a really hard time understanding this and will try to maintain "friendly" contact way beyond the relationship's expiration date.
    This is exactly what has happened in my past. I'm really understanding and try not to be judgmental, but if they strike a nerve (usually based around my personal values), it's over. Just trying to stay friendly with someone I've lost respect for or causes drama is impossible for me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tiltyred View Post
    Yes it will! You can say you're sorry she's having a bad time and that your opinion hurt her feelings, but that since you agreed the friendship is over, you would appreciate it if she would stop contacting you.

    Then block her if she does it again.

    Save your energy for a friendship that brings you joy and support rather than spending it on trying to figure out crazy people. She will find someone else to latch onto.
    I actually did tell her how i felt. never got a response, but i do feel better about voicing my opinion. like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. not because i had to get in the last word (believe me, i left a lot of unnecessary content out of the message) but b/c i finally told her how i felt about the bullshit, without worrying about the consequences. it was nice.

Similar Threads

  1. [INTP] Is this normal for an INTP? feeling of loneliness
    By INTPthinker in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 41
    Last Post: 08-10-2010, 09:57 PM
  2. [ESFP] Is This Typical For An ESFP?
    By Gloriana in forum The SP Arthouse (ESFP, ISFP, ESTP, ISTP)
    Replies: 17
    Last Post: 09-09-2009, 10:15 PM
  3. [ENFJ] Is this more of an ENFJ or INFJ thing to do?
    By Lissa in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 07-29-2009, 09:22 PM
  4. [INFJ] Public portrait of an INFJ
    By Griffi97 in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: 06-23-2008, 09:43 PM
  5. Replies: 36
    Last Post: 08-05-2007, 03:42 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO