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  1. #1
    Senior Member fecaleagle's Avatar
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    Default ENFP girlfriend confusing me! Help!

    Hey everyone. So I've been dating an ENFP girl for 3 years, and our relationship has been as close to perfect as can be. I adore everything about her! I simply cannot even find the words to express how great we are together and how great I think we will make eachother's futures. She has helped me grow so much and vice versa, and I don't see that ever stopping. Sexual chemistry is untoppable. I even easily look past the silly mistakes she makes most of the time because I love her so much and want to spend the rest of my life with her. The great thing is that her flaws have become less and less over time, as she has matured. All future plans I make are made with her in mind.

    Now, over the past 6 months or so, I've been dealing with a lot of internal issues, which have spilled over into the relationship unfortunately. My mom almost passed away (I had accepted that she was gone), I've had the stress of trying to get into school, and have been dealing with some minor relationship issues. These issues at first seemed like a huge deal to me, but after a few months I have almost completely gotten over them, and have been working on getting them 100% out of my mind, so I can redirect all my loving energy into the relationship once again. Things have been looking great lately, until recently when I got really angry at my girlfriend for what now seems like a stupid reason. I was in INTJ rage mode, and under the influence of painkillers (back pain), I was saying things I couldn't even control and I knew I didn't mean them when I was saying them but I just felt really really hurt. My words were harsh, yes, and I did not mean any of what I said, I guess I was in protective mode. Anyways, I ended up overreacting and "breaking up" with her. I woke up the next morning regretting the "decision", but tried to hide my regret because of pride. Basically I said we should break up just to hurt her, and apologized, but she says that it was still a breakup because she was heartbroken for a day. Even though I had no intentions on breaking up I was just being an idiot, and have expressed that to her. Anyways, I told her how much she means to me and that what I said were simply words, without of my true emotions attached. Since then, she has been acting super cold to me. She says we are taking a break, and that she wants to work on getting back together, but her actions says otherwise, like we are breaking up but she needs to be 100% sure or something. Then, all the sudden she claims that she doesn't think that I think she is the girl for me and that we should break up. It really seems like she is being super vindictive for no reason, and hurting my feelings much more than I could have hurt hers, since she has been doing this for 2 weeks. I've agreed that I will communicate more and force myself not to overreact in these rare times. I've even expressed how I want to spend the rest of my life with her because we are perfect for eachother, but it seems like she doesn't believe me or something! Or thinks that I do not know what I want. Ha, an INTJ not knowing what they want? I feel like she thinks that I'm trying to trick her or something, which would make NO sense for an INTJ to do! If I wasn't 100% sure I wanted to fight any obstacle for us to be together because I know I've found my soulmate, I wouldn't even be trying right now. My default mode, naturally, is single-mode, and I know that being in a relationship hasn't changed that. So the fact that I'm still in it should say everything. However, I have truly reached my breaking point. I don't hold any negative feelings for her, but I can't help but feel that her love for me was never or will never be as strong as mine was for her, and am struggling to understand how she can stand to see me suffer past a point of justice. I have been dying to hold her in my arms, but she seems to have no interest in me anymore. What should I do? Should I just suck it up, cut off my contact with her, and move on? Knowing I'll be miserable, and force myself to get with other girls even though the thought sickens me? It just makes no sense, because she HAS to know how much I love her, and I THOUGHT that she loved me back, but maybe I was completely wrong? We were "soulmates" and then overnight we are not? It's weird because the week before she told me how good of a bf I was and it made me so happy, and made me want to be an even better guy, and then I got completely blind-sided. Makes no sense, I know. Is it possible she's interested in another guy? I am very emotional right now, and super hurt because a smart girl is about to make a dumb decision because she is emotionally overwhelmed, and time doesn't seem to be helping. It's only causing her to dwell on her fabricated versions of such events

  2. #2
    movin melodies kiddykat's Avatar
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    The part that stood out most for me after reading the thread.. what I got was that it doesn't seem like both 'perceptions' about 'one another' matched up in the relationship for various possible reasons.

    I don't know her personally. Please take with a grain of salt. If I were in her shoes? I've blindsided people I've been with in long-term relationships b4. Usually, it had A LOT to do with how much I'm willing to take.

    Even when I put on a happy face, I'm still hurt inside from the things that caused me pain. I look past the obstacles, but at the same time, I slowly start to let go.. the relationship becomes dead when I start to feel disrespected, not appreciated, taken for granted of.. I'll stick in there to give it a 'shot,' but those shots eventually wear off until.. the opportunity ceases and I flee.

    In her case- saying she really doesn't think she's the one for you sounds like she made up her mind a while ago. A relationship can be 'dead' to me for a while for me to wake up and realize when it really is. Then my 'leaving' comes as a surprise, or illogical, when it's not, because I've been done/over it for quite some time, but was in 'denial' or afraid to 'let go' due to the (unhealthy) attachments I felt.
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  3. #3
    Senior Member copperfish17's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kiddykat View Post
    The part that stood out most for me after reading the thread.. what I got was that it doesn't seem like both 'perceptions' about 'one another' matched up in the relationship for various possible reasons.

    I don't know her personally. Please take with a grain of salt. If I were in her shoes? I've blindsided people I've been with in long-term relationships b4. Usually, it had A LOT to do with how much I'm willing to take.

    Even when I put on a happy face, I'm still hurt inside from the things that caused me pain. I look past the obstacles, but at the same time, I slowly start to let go.. the relationship becomes dead when I start to feel disrespected, not appreciated, taken for granted of.. I'll stick in there to give it a 'shot,' but those shots eventually wear off until.. the opportunity ceases and I flee.

    In her case- saying she really doesn't think she's the one for you sounds like she made up her mind a while ago. A relationship can be 'dead' to me for a while for me to wake up and realize when it really is. Then my 'leaving' comes as a surprise, or illogical, when it's not, because I've been done/over it for quite some time, but was in 'denial' or afraid to 'let go' due to the (unhealthy) attachments I felt.
    As someone whose darkest memories (of betrayal & other things) lie with an ENFP: that makes a lot of sense. Thanks, kiddykat.

    I'll come back later when I've thought things through. I feel inarticulate at the moment.
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  4. #4
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    it's possible you hurt her beyond repair and killed it right there and she's disengaging....trust is very important...very...she may no longer feel she can trust you not to hurt her.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
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  5. #5
    Senior Member fecaleagle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kiddykat View Post
    The part that stood out most for me after reading the thread.. what I got was that it doesn't seem like both 'perceptions' about 'one another' matched up in the relationship for various possible reasons.

    I don't know her personally. Please take with a grain of salt. If I were in her shoes? I've blindsided people I've been with in long-term relationships b4. Usually, it had A LOT to do with how much I'm willing to take.

    Even when I put on a happy face, I'm still hurt inside from the things that caused me pain. I look past the obstacles, but at the same time, I slowly start to let go.. the relationship becomes dead when I start to feel disrespected, not appreciated, taken for granted of.. I'll stick in there to give it a 'shot,' but those shots eventually wear off until.. the opportunity ceases and I flee.

    In her case- saying she really doesn't think she's the one for you sounds like she made up her mind a while ago. A relationship can be 'dead' to me for a while for me to wake up and realize when it really is. Then my 'leaving' comes as a surprise, or illogical, when it's not, because I've been done/over it for quite some time, but was in 'denial' or afraid to 'let go' due to the (unhealthy) attachments I felt.
    The thing is, I always showed her respect, always told her how much she means to me, and we were just so happy together. Just a few months ago she wrote on a card how we were soulmates and she even recently mentioned how she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. I've also told her I agree, but I guess I could've been more open in these more serious emotional situations. I've always been there to help her through any problem, and to minimize her pain and distress. It just doesn't make sense that she would give up so quickly. I mean now she is bringing up random things I've said where she completely misinterpreted me but showed no emotional reaction until now, when I have explained to her what I really meant that apologized that my words could have hurt her. Nothing major at all here. She just seems to be focusing on a few bad things I have SAID (many of them misinterpreted) and completely ignoring all my loving ACTIONS

    edit: The only other thing I can think of is how some of her family members don't like me much because they know nothing about me, and blame it on me because I am so introverted. They expect me to suck up to them and make me like me. So as an ENFP I can see how she wants to please everyone

  6. #6
    Senior Member Rebe's Avatar
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    First of all, I find your devotion very touching.

    Second, my first impression is that she is deeply, deeply hurt by what you said to her. Even though you told her you didn't mean it, the fact is you said it. The Ne makes it hard for (for example) me to keep 'facts' straight. Saying things you don't mean really confuses me and leaves me unsure about what is really happening. Even after you apologize and explain that you didn't mean it, the words are probably still running through her head over and over again. Also, was what you said, did it contain any ounce of truth? Did you throw her flaws in her face? From that impression, I'd say to be patient and give her time. Sorry that you are hurting and just wants to know the answer but I think she has a lot of information and her own perceptions to sort through and it will take a bit. Have you told her what you written in this post? Write it down for her, perhaps? Words sometimes enter my mind and just leaves out the ears when I am overwhelmed and stuck inside my Ne mode.

    xNFPs don't often say things they do not believe/feel, even to hurt the other person. We even keep the truth to ourselves because we don't want to hurt the person we care about, even if it is a big flaw. It'd have to be really bad for us to take that 'knowledge' and throw it in a person's face.

    Another possibility is what KittyKat said, but that wasn't my first impression, but I am also not ENFP.

    (by the time i finished this post, more people have posted...)

    Lady X: "it's possible you hurt her beyond repair and killed it right there and she's disengaging....trust is very important...very...she may no longer feel she can trust you not to hurt her."
    ^ YES! YES! It doesn't make rational sense perhaps, but when we get close to someone, we get really, really close and when the other person hurts us deeply, even if we want to go backwards, sometimes we just...can't. I blame this on Fi.
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  7. #7
    Senior Member fecaleagle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post
    it's possible you hurt her beyond repair and killed it right there and she's disengaging....trust is very important...very...she may no longer feel she can trust you not to hurt her.
    I apologized for momentarily being selfish, rash, and an asshole. I have told her that I would be very appreciative if she could find it in her heart to be able to trust me again, and allow me to prove to her that she means the world to me and always has. I have told her that from now on please express when you feel emotionally hurt so we can work on the issue right then, which will end up being miscommunication most of the time! The thing about the trust issue..I lost all trust in her 8 months ago, and after I saw how much she kept telling me that she loved me, I decided to let her regain my trust which she had nearly done by this point. I don't see why I don't deserve the same chance, considering that she lost my trust via ACTIONS and I lost her trust via WORDS

  8. #8
    Senior Member copperfish17's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fecaleagle View Post
    The thing is, I always showed her respect, always told her how much she means to me, and we were just so happy together. Just a few months ago she wrote on a card how we were soulmates and she even recently mentioned how she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. I've also told her I agree, but I guess I could've been more open in these more serious emotional situations.
    Perhaps your girlfriend assumed that amount your enthusiasm/openness = amount of your love?

    It just doesn't make sense that she would give up so quickly. I mean now she is bringing up random things I've said where she completely misinterpreted me but showed no emotional reaction until now, when I have explained to her what I really meant that apologized that my words could have hurt her.
    Exactly the same problems I had with an ENFP in my life. I think ENFP's in general aren't very upfront about these things... correct me if I'm wrong, fellow ENFP's on board. My sample size is about 5 IRL ENFP's.

    Nothing major at all here. She just seems to be focusing on a few bad things I have SAID (many of them misinterpreted) and completely ignoring all my loving ACTIONS
    Yes, I can relate to this (with the ENFP I had problems with IRL).
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  9. #9
    Senior Member fecaleagle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rebe View Post
    First of all, I find your devotion very touching.

    Second, my first impression is that she is deeply, deeply hurt by what you said to her. Even though you told her you didn't mean it, the fact is you said it. The Ne makes it hard for (for example) me to keep 'facts' straight. Saying things you don't mean really confuses me and leaves me unsure about what is really happening. Even after you apologize and explain that you didn't mean it, the words are probably still running through her head over and over again. Also, was what you said, did it contain any ounce of truth? Did you throw her flaws in her face? From that impression, I'd say to be patient and give her time. Sorry that you are hurting and just wants to know the answer but I think she has a lot of information and her own perceptions to sort through and it will take a bit. Have you told her what you written in this post? Write it down for her, perhaps? Words sometimes enter my mind and just leaves out the ears when I am overwhelmed and stuck inside my Ne mode.

    xNFPs don't often say things they do not believe/feel, even to hurt the other person. We even keep the truth to ourselves because we don't want to hurt the person we care about, even if it is a big flaw. It'd have to be really bad for us to take that 'knowledge' and throw it in a person's face.

    Another possibility is what KittyKat said, but that wasn't my first impression, but I am also not ENFP.

    (by the time i finished this post, more people have posted...)

    Lady X: "it's possible you hurt her beyond repair and killed it right there and she's disengaging....trust is very important...very...she may no longer feel she can trust you not to hurt her."

    ^ YES! YES!
    As for exactly what I said during that night, one of the things I said was that she doesn't care about comforting me and doesn't care about how my days go. She said that really upset her. The thing is, I didn't mean it at all, and none of my ACTIONS correspond to any of that. That's the thing! Everyone always says actions speak louder than words. My actions and intentions have always been true, but now she has taken these meaningless words that I said out of hurt and has chosen to believe those words and ignore 3 years of my actions. I already explained that I didn't mean any of it and I told her to look at how I act towards her. Look at how badly I want to see her, talk to her, tell her what's on my mind, open parts of myself to her that I've never exposed to another person, hold her. ALL BECAUSE THIS ALL PROVIDES ME COMFORT, WHICH SHE NOW THINKS SHE DOESN'T PROVIDE ME. All because she is taking my stupid, irrational, selfish words from one conversation and using it to define the integrity of our relationship. But she keeps saying that she doesn't understand where those words would come from if they didn't have an ounce of truth. I just keep trying to explain that that's how an INTJ brain can operate, detached like that, and devoid of all true emotions. Almost robotic I guess, in an desperate attempt to self-protect. I said that I would never ever do that again because now for the first time in our 3 year relationship I see how things like that can hurt her and it pains me to know that I have caused her so much pain

    I get the feeling that she has convinced herself that I don't value her when I always have. We live 1.5 hours apart currently, and haven't seen eachother in over a month, and we usually are dying to see each other every weekend. She has chosen to do this all via telephone. If she loved me wouldn't she want to at least see me? She just keeps making plans with friends to get over me or something. How can she even enjoy herself? I can't even eat because I feel like I've lost the 1 person in life that was specifically tailored to all of my needs We are just so great together! But I'm afraid that she's paranoid about my true feelings because she can't stop playing those stupid words in her head over and over again

  10. #10
    Senior Member copperfish17's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fecaleagle View Post
    As for exactly what I said during that night, one of the things I said was that she doesn't care about comforting me and doesn't care about how my days go.
    That's probably one of the worst things to tell an ENFP, or any NF for that matter. If anyone cares at all, it's an NF. They know this, I think.
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