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[ENFP] ENFP girlfriend confusing me! Help!

Lady_X

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yeah if someone i was seeing wanted to reprove the relationship by" hanging out" with other people i think i'd lose interest...but she's the one who said it...sounds weird to me.
 

Thalassa

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Yeah...which is why I'm now wondering if she's using all this as an excuse to get out of the relationship, because what he did wasn't really all that crazy, and he did freak out because she didn't call him back when he was having a panic attack...it all kind of adds up to me, so I stand by my original opinion, seriously.
 

Thalassa

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OK to make matters more complicated...this girl I haven't talked to in a long time messaged me and wants to "hang out" this weekend. I just know she wants to hook up and assumes I am single, which obviously I have zero interest in doing (not because of the girl herself but because I love my gf and the thought of being intimate with any other girl sickens me). But part of me wants to just go along with it and flirt and what not just to remind myself that I still have game and am desirable to girls. If she tries anything of course I'll be like whoa whoa, but I think I would have to initiate a move so I'm not really worried about that. I mean, my girlfriend must be going out now in order to be able meet these guys she wants to talk to in order to reprove our relationship to herself. I feel like a schmuck denying myself that same right. Is it different because I know this girl's intentions? Come to think of it, I assume my gf knows of these guys' intentions too...What do you guys think? And please let's disregard this girl's feelings, as mean as that sounds.


Oh, and by that last sentence you mean you want permission to use someone to boost your own ego?

HA HA HA HA HA. No.

Either you're up front with the other girl about what's really going through your mind, that you're not looking for anything with her - that you're still hung up on your (ex) gf, or don't do it at all.

But if your (ex) gf is seeing other guys, you might as well see other girls, if you want. That's on you, man.
 

stalemate

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And I'm glad you find my username interesting :) I'm just really patriotic, gotta support the American Eagle! I may be taking it to the extreme, but I like to extend my patriotism even into the bathroom. People are always shocked when they find a copy of the Constitution in there. So it was really just a matter of combining my two biggest interests, defecation and Amurica, with a little bit of rhyme
Oh. My. God!

LOL!

Seriously.

hahahahaha
 

Thalassa

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I agree with you Marm. When you put it that way, if this is just an ego boost, then not cool. If it's going to hang out and have fun, then I don't see anything wrong with that at all. Let's face it, he's not married. I'm assuming he's young and it's best not to get too serious about someone when there's plenty of time for that later.

BTW, I was thinking that the worst case scenario from this "stepping back" would be that you and your GF both get the courage to end your relationship all together. The best thing that will come from it, is she will realize nobody compares to you and that you are one hell of a great guy. :D

This is true, she could realize that in six months...but what if he moved on?

I don't know...there seems like there could be a disaster if one person realizes how good they had it, then the other person is just outta there, you know?

That's the risk you take.
 

Esoteric Wench

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:nono: More LOL.

Is it not self-righteous to assume someone else is being self-righteous? This is what I meant by hypocrisy.

Seems like your reasoning is circular. Are you saying that anyone that accuses anyone else of being self-righteous is by definition self-righteous themselves?

All I'm saying is that INTJs in general could learn a thing or two about F-ness from ENFPs. The reverse is also true about ENFPs learning from INTJs about T-ness.

The difference is that in general INTJs are less likely to appreciate an ENFPs strengths (or even the value of F-ness itself) than vice versa.

Yes this is a gross generalization. Nonetheless, there is truth to what I'm saying. There is oft times a pedantic undertone between male INTJs and female ENFPs. I've seen it many times and experienced it firsthand.

So if I my post smelled of rank self-righteousness, I do apologize. But look at it this way... perhaps this gave you a taste for how ENFPs experience INTJ arrogance in such matters.
 

Lady_X

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ugh...i know what you mean.
_shootself__by_dbestarchitect.gif
 

Rebe

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OK to make matters more complicated...this girl I haven't talked to in a long time messaged me and wants to "hang out" this weekend. I just know she wants to hook up and assumes I am single, which obviously I have zero interest in doing (not because of the girl herself but because I love my gf and the thought of being intimate with any other girl sickens me). But part of me wants to just go along with it and flirt and what not just to remind myself that I still have game and am desirable to girls. If she tries anything of course I'll be like whoa whoa, but I think I would have to initiate a move so I'm not really worried about that. I mean, my girlfriend must be going out now in order to be able meet these guys she wants to talk to in order to reprove our relationship to herself. I feel like a schmuck denying myself that same right. Is it different because I know this girl's intentions? Come to think of it, I assume my gf knows of these guys' intentions too...What do you guys think? And please let's disregard this girl's feelings, as mean as that sounds.

I think that would just make things more complicated. It sounds like you are completely certain about your gf - since you are certain, the argument is different for you to hang out with other girls than her argument because she is uncertain - minor point - I think you should prove your certainty and commitment by not doing anything for the next two weeks, as you said. Actions more than words, remember?

After that, after it is decided, you can have as much fun and ego-boost as you want (without hurting some other girl). :D
 

Lady_X

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true...be a bigger guy than that. fuck needing an ego boost...come on. stand firm on what you want...act without regret.
 

copperfish17

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OK to make matters more complicated...this girl I haven't talked to in a long time messaged me and wants to "hang out" this weekend. I just know she wants to hook up and assumes I am single, which obviously I have zero interest in doing (not because of the girl herself but because I love my gf and the thought of being intimate with any other girl sickens me). But part of me wants to just go along with it and flirt and what not just to remind myself that I still have game and am desirable to girls. If she tries anything of course I'll be like whoa whoa, but I think I would have to initiate a move so I'm not really worried about that. I mean, my girlfriend must be going out now in order to be able meet these guys she wants to talk to in order to reprove our relationship to herself. I feel like a schmuck denying myself that same right. Is it different because I know this girl's intentions? Come to think of it, I assume my gf knows of these guys' intentions too...What do you guys think? And please let's disregard this girl's feelings, as mean as that sounds.

The sheer number of assumptions you're making in this post worries me. Be very, very, cautious (esp. of your intuitions).

I do understand where you're coming from about the ego thing. I've met plenty of guys who said something similar. Even when they are in a relationship with a girl they love, they still feel flattered by the attention they get from other girls... something like that.

Now the question is: is your girlfriend as of now really someone who's worth your time? Think on it.
 

PeaceBaby

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How serious are you about salvaging this relationship? Are you 100% committed to an attempt?

If so I need more data in order to assist you. The more time passes here, the probability of success diminishes.

1 - your ages please
2 - exact timeline of events, summarized
3 - event that occurred 8 months previous
4 - exactly what you have done so far in an effort to rebuild your bond

I won't pretend you have great chances at this point, but I do have some insights to share, so reply to the above if you are willing to go there.
 

fecaleagle

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Thanks for the input everyone..having a hard time deciding what is right. For the record, she said she's not interested in "actively dating anyone" right now, just hanging out and talking I guess..Without communication, it's hard for me to try to understand what's going on. I mean she is worth my time, but I'm just struggling to understand this extreme of a reaction...especially given the last few posts from ENFPs who seem to be confused by her actions as well..I guess I'll have to keep analyzing things a bit more
 

Lady_X

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that would be nice. :)
 

fecaleagle

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^ If she said that, then it's time to wear out the soles of your shoes. Please trust me on this. It's time to be confident and to let go of *you* a little bit. Sounds like enough time has gone by and you've given her enough space. It's time to take meaningful action. If you love her and if you know in your heart that she loves you, then don't give up the chase. Here's your next move...

Send her at least a dozen of these with a card that simply says, "I love you."
http://www.ftd.com/the-ftd-long-stem-pink-rose-bouquet-prd/n14-4304/


Edit: Send the roses in her favorite color, if possible. If her favorite color is blue or something like that, then send her red roses. That's my girly INFP opinion. :redface:

I was under the impression that I should wait until she feels like she's had enough alone time to sort through her feelings, then wait for her to come to me...I've already written an extremely emotional and heartfelt letter (the process was hard for me to do) which she said she was touched by...it seems like sending her roses and trying to prove my love at this point is just silly, and would be putting unnecessary pressure on her. I guess the waiting around part is just foreign to me, since I can sort through my thoughts and feelings quickly...guess I should be a bit more patient :devil:
 

ReadingRainbows

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I was under the impression that I should wait until she feels like she's had enough alone time to sort through her feelings, then wait for her to come to me...I've already written an extremely emotional and heartfelt letter (the process was hard for me to do) which she said she was touched by...it seems like sending her roses and trying to prove my love at this point is just silly, and would be putting unnecessary pressure on her. I guess the waiting around part is just foreign to me, since I can sort through my thoughts and feelings quickly...guess I should be a bit more patient :devil:

Waiting is like playing Roulette in Relationships.
 

Moiety

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EDIT: I think xNFP women can be emotionally weak at times (in conflict & under stress) and really need a strong man.

Maybe that's why some of them jump from relationship to relationship and have trouble being single for long.

How about learning to become emotionally strong on your own though? This idea that people have to find someone that compliments their faults is imo why so many relationships fail these days. Learn self-awareness and self-improvement and to not become dependent on other people. Our emotions shouldn't all be a burden on other people and dependency is the killer of long term loving relationships. Love yourself to be able to love others. Being affectionate and loving are not the same thing.
 

Esoteric Wench

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fecaleagle, I don't think you should discount the powerful differences between P and J here.

As an ENFP, I like to leave my options open as long as possible. I have to force myself sometimes to make a decision. And, if I err, it is on the side of taking too long to decide.

I do not think it untoward for you to go see her (in spite of her request) and ask her if she will give you five minutes of her time. You might remind her that as hard as it is for her to sometimes decide her next step, it is equally difficult on you to have things hanging open.

You might want to tell her that while you've been willing to respect her wishes about needing space, that she needs to be aware of how hard and stressful it is to you to have matters up in the air and undecided. You might explain to her that expediency is pressing and you hope she will make every effort to decide soon because if she waits too long, it will cause you long term harm. Remind her that you are not trying to force her to give you an answer per se, but to gently remind her that you, being a J, have very different needs in this area and that you've worked very, very hard to accommodate her in an area where her needs are different than yours and that she can help you better accommodate her needs if she keeps in mind your J needs while she decides what to do.

If you do this, be very careful to inoculate yourself against charges of forcing her into a corner. Even if she's going to opt out of the relationship, as an ENFP, she will not be able to bear the thought of hurting someone else and even if she doesn't say anything at the time, this will really cause her to examine her own actions to see if she is being fair to you. (Or at least it would me.)

I hear your suffering. I also know what it's like to need space and to feel independent. I'm fiercely independent and loathe anyone trying to control me. But I also try to be considerate of people and am constantly checking my own behavior to make sure I'm taking their needs into account.

In other words, fecaleagle, you need to not let yourself get drug down too much by this whole thing, even in sacrifice of your sincere quest to make things right with this girl. If you don't set some boundaries for yourself:

#1 - You will have a lot of pent up resentment even if you two get back together.
#2 - You will take an emotional hit for this (if you let it go too far) that will color every aspect of your life.

So be a good guy and considerate of her feelings, but take care of your most basic INTJ needs first. Like they say on the airplanes "Put on the Oxygen mask first." Note, the last word: “first.” Put the mask on yourself first...before you assist others. You’re no good to your girlfriend if you don’t take care of yourself.
 

fecaleagle

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OMG my head hurts. perfectgirl, what you are describing really just doesn't sound like my girlfriend at all. It sounds like the kind of relationship I have spent my life trying to avoid. Not a fan of silly ass games like that. I mean, are you kidding me? You either love and appreciate me for me or you don't. Mind reading was NOT listed as one of my skills on my dating resume. It really sounds like she wants space, but then again I feel pretty clueless at this point

fecaleagle, I don't think you should discount the powerful differences between P and J here.

As an ENFP, I like to leave my options open as long as possible. I have to force myself sometimes to make a decision. And, if I err, it is on the side of taking too long to decide.

I do not think it untoward for you to go see her (in spite of her request) and ask her if she will give you five minutes of her time. You might remind her that as hard as it is for her to sometimes decide her next step, it is equally difficult on you to have things hanging open.

You might want to tell her that while you've been willing to respect her wishes about needing space, that she needs to be aware of how hard and stressful it is to you to have matters up in the air and undecided. You might explain to her that expediency is pressing and you hope she will make every effort to decide soon because if she waits too long, it will cause you long term harm. Remind her that you are not trying to force her to give you an answer per se, but to gently remind her that you, being a J, have very different needs in this area and that you've worked very, very hard to accommodate her in an area where her needs are different than yours and that she can help you better accommodate her needs if she keeps in mind your J needs while she decides what to do.

If you do this, be very careful to inoculate yourself against charges of forcing her into a corner. Even if she's going to opt out of the relationship, as an ENFP, she will not be able to bear the thought of hurting someone else and even if she doesn't say anything at the time, this will really cause her to examine her own actions to see if she is being fair to you. (Or at least it would me.)

I hear your suffering. I also know what it's like to need space and to feel independent. I'm fiercely independent and loathe anyone trying to control me. But I also try to be considerate of people and am constantly checking my own behavior to make sure I'm taking their needs into account.

In other words, fecaleagle, you need to not let yourself get drug down too much by this whole thing, even in sacrifice of your sincere quest to make things right with this girl. If you don't set some boundaries for yourself:

#1 - You will have a lot of pent up resentment even if you two get back together.
#2 - You will take an emotional hit for this (if you let it go too far) that will color every aspect of your life.

So be a good guy and considerate of her feelings, but take care of your most basic INTJ needs first. Like they say on the airplanes "Put on the Oxygen mask first." Note, the last word: “first.” Put the mask on yourself first...before you assist others. You’re no good to your girlfriend if you don’t take care of yourself.

This sounds spot on to me. I called her for the first time in a long time last night despite her request to cut communication off..she seemed like she misses me and was happy that I called, but I seriously can not tell if she wants me in her life or not. I am 100% certain that it would be immediately obvious to you ENFPs, but this is my Achilles heel.

She is the ultimate P so I do have to keep that in mind. I can make a life-altering decision 100x faster than she could decide where she wants to go to dinner :doh: And I'm a pretty weak J.

The thing you are absolutely right about which I don't think she realizes is how time is really, really working against us right now. The thing I told her from the get go and have been afraid of is the whole resentment thing. I'm not sure exactly how it is happening, but I can feel it heading my way. Like, sooner that she could ever imagine, I will be hit with a wave of increasing resentment and re-evaluation of everything, since I have done all that I can to make things right and cater to her needs. And now I have to wait..that is NOT something an INTJ can do for long. So far this entire thing has been done the ENFP way, ya gotta give me something! Ever since I sent her the letter, I feel much better and free, and have been taking care of myself and enjoying my hobbies, although not fully. Originally I said I could wait 2 more weeks, but I'm doubting my ability to do so. I am afraid my feelings towards her are changing or will change soon and that we will be unable to have a future together. All because of her indecisiveness. I KNOW she will come around, but she is running out of time, and I don't know how to express that to her without making it seem like I'm trying to force a decision or put pressure on her. I mean, the 4th of July is coming up, and we've been spending it together since we've been dating. I am afraid that when that day comes and she's not by my side, I will go into INTJ cold mode and just walk away only with self-interest in mind. I made a stupid mistake. I apologized from the heart. I poured all of my emotions out about everything. I've been patient and understanding. I've been trying to improve myself via this forum and have told her that I want her to help me grow. I've been an awesome boyfriend over the years. I realize that I hurt her, but at this point I really feel like she needs to take some responsibility and fight for our relationship. To dwell on one's one pain for so long with no regard for your partner's can really just destroy even the most perfect thing. I truly though we were a team, and now I don't feel that we are anymore. A small part of me feels like she is being vindictive and trying to teach me some sort of lesson. Again, hello resentment nice to meet you. There is this small part of me that has had enough, and is ready to say bye :hi: I can't keep pouring out my love with nothing in return
 

Lady_X

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Maybe that's why some of them jump from relationship to relationship and have trouble being single for long.

How about learning to become emotionally strong on your own though? This idea that people have to find someone that compliments their faults is imo why so many relationships fail these days. Learn self-awareness and self-improvement and to not become dependent on other people. Our emotions shouldn't all be a burden on other people and dependency is the killer of long term loving relationships. Love yourself to be able to love others. Being affectionate and loving are not the same thing.

i know what you're saying and agree to a point but i think a partnership becomes stronger when you can trust each other to catch you when you fall...if they can be strong during your moments of weaknesses and vice versa...like in dance...she can leap up into your arms and know you'll catch her...same thing with feeling safe to be vulnerable...opening yourself up...knowing they'll be there...that's what true intimacy is all about...we're all fallible...and knowing your partner loves and supports you through the weaker times is really important.
 

Lady_X

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OMG my head hurts. perfectgirl, what you are describing really just doesn't sound like my girlfriend at all. It sounds like the kind of relationship I have spent my life trying to avoid. Not a fan of silly ass games like that. I mean, are you kidding me? You either love and appreciate me for me or you don't. Mind reading was NOT listed as one of my skills on my dating resume. It really sounds like she wants space, but then again I feel pretty clueless at this point



This sounds spot on to me. I called her for the first time in a long time last night despite her request to cut communication off..she seemed like she misses me and was happy that I called, but I seriously can not tell if she wants me in her life or not. I am 100% certain that it would be immediately obvious to you ENFPs, but this is my Achilles heel.

She is the ultimate P so I do have to keep that in mind. I can make a life-altering decision 100x faster than she could decide where she wants to go to dinner :doh: And I'm a pretty weak J.

The thing you are absolutely right about which I don't think she realizes is how time is really, really working against us right now. The thing I told her from the get go and have been afraid of is the whole resentment thing. I'm not sure exactly how it is happening, but I can feel it heading my way. Like, sooner that she could ever imagine, I will be hit with a wave of increasing resentment and re-evaluation of everything, since I have done all that I can to make things right and cater to her needs. And now I have to wait..that is NOT something an INTJ can do for long. So far this entire thing has been done the ENFP way, ya gotta give me something! Ever since I sent her the letter, I feel much better and free, and have been taking care of myself and enjoying my hobbies, although not fully. Originally I said I could wait 2 more weeks, but I'm doubting my ability to do so. I am afraid my feelings towards her are changing or will change soon and that we will be unable to have a future together. All because of her indecisiveness. I KNOW she will come around, but she is running out of time, and I don't know how to express that to her without making it seem like I'm trying to force a decision or put pressure on her. I mean, the 4th of July is coming up, and we've been spending it together since we've been dating. I am afraid that when that day comes and she's not by my side, I will go into INTJ cold mode and just walk away only with self-interest in mind. I made a stupid mistake. I apologized from the heart. I poured all of my emotions out about everything. I've been patient and understanding. I've been trying to improve myself via this forum and have told her that I want her to help me grow. I've been an awesome boyfriend over the years. I realize that I hurt her, but at this point I really feel like she needs to take some responsibility and fight for our relationship. To dwell on one's one pain for so long with no regard for your partner's can really just destroy even the most perfect thing. I truly though we were a team, and now I don't feel that we are anymore. A small part of me feels like she is being vindictive and trying to teach me some sort of lesson. Again, hello resentment nice to meet you. There is this small part of me that has had enough, and is ready to say bye :hi: I can't keep pouring out my love with nothing in return
well damn...and you called her a fair weather friend...or fan...didn't you? or did i make that up...anyway...if you can turn it off like that. what does that tell you?

not saying it's wrong...just honest...honesty is good. if you can turn it off what does that mean to you?
 
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