[ENFP] ENFP girlfriend confusing me! Help!

[fecaleagle]

Man emotions are intense. I have lost 10 pounds of muscle mass because of all of this despite my efforts at the gym and kitchen. There goes many months of a grueling diet and training regimine That is an additional source of frustration. Hopefully my deeper understanding of what is going on will calm my emotional centers down.

 

[fecaleagle]

It does.

What kind of progress has been made with your girlfriend since you started this thread? We like updates

Well...I haven't talked to her on the phone for like a week. I haven't seen her in like 1 month and a few weeks...and she wants to temporarily cut off any sort of communication...and to talk to other guys to "reprove" to herself how good our connection is

 

[Rebe]

^ I am sorry you're suffering. I hate the 'waiting part' myself, it gnaws at me. Try to keep your mind on other things, your job or a hobby, hang out with friends and take it easy. You have done a lot to show her you are sorry and that you love her, give her time and see if she will come back to you. If she does, it will be a tremendous step forward in your relationship and you will both know how much you really mean to each other.

 

[fecaleagle]

I mean I respect the need for time alone and what not, but simply giving me confirmation that she got the letter would be nice, ya know? There's no need to be cruel when I'm doing everything I can

 

[Rebe]

She may not know you need confirmation ... unless you already said 'could you confirm with me that you got my letter just so I know'

It sounds dumb but when we become self-conscious, we become very sparse in our communication because we don't know what to do and how much to do it anymore without sticking our neck out. We feel that we might do or say or feel too much, so we do none of it. I go from extreme to extreme.

 

[fecaleagle]

She may not know you need confirmation ... unless you already said 'could you confirm with me that you got my letter just so I know'

It sounds dumb but when we become self-conscious, we become very sparse in our communication because we don't know what to do and how much to do it anymore without sticking our neck out. We feel that we might do or say or feel too much, so we do none of it. I go from extreme to extreme.

I think I just need to stop thinking so much . Easier said than done. Ha I just realized the irony in that sentence

edit: It doesn't sound dumb at all And it sounds like exactly what is happening to her, I just need to be more empathetic and less critical of things

 

[stringstheory]

Well...I haven't talked to her on the phone for like a week. I haven't seen her in like 1 month and a few weeks...and she wants to temporarily cut off any sort of communication...and to talk to other guys to "reprove" to herself how good our connection is

How "temporary" are we talking? Did you discuss at least an approximate amount of time, or is it rather open ended?

I wouldn't be surprised if it were either, i'm usually not good with pinning down dates in situations like these, but make sure to stay in touch with how this situation affects you (and i can see it's really disrupting your routine). tbh if she's anything like me (since i can only go on my experience ) i would probably get about 2 weeks max talking to other guys before i cracked and realized it wasn't what i wanted. but at some point it will be more trouble than it's worth, no matter how much you love her. give her your understanding and her time, she needs it; but don't be afraid to stand up for your self if too much time goes by and you've had enough.

while i think it's too soon to say for sure on our end, marmalade.sunrise is right in that we can get wayyyy too caught up in our negative emotions and be VERY vengeful if we feel someone has really wronged us. it's true that she'll need time to feel comfortable again, maybe a lot. just keep that in mind, don't worry for now, you've done the best you can and i think you'll know when something is awry.

 

[Mr.Time]

fecaleagle, I am not the only one who has notice that your words belie an unspoken (perhaps non-conscious) belief that your way (i.e., T) is superior to her way (F).







Ohhh the memories of my INTJ…. He loved me soooo much… And, if you asked him, he’d tell you that he respected me, too. But his behavior didn’t always match his words. He loved that I could hold up my end of the conversation. He appreciated the pizzazz I brought to his life. But, he did NOT respect my Fi. On some level he thought it silly, childish, and desperately in need of a Te education. There was definitely a paternalistic/pedantic undertone in his dealings with me.

Anytime I did something that he interpreted as my Fi “flying off the handle” he dismissed me. This quick dismissal of my input. This fundamental lack of respect for the way I prioritized things. This paternalistic attitude that came through when he corrected me for being overly emotional. Well, you should know that this is why my INTJ lost me. You should also know that I see you heading down the same path.

While I think it is in an INTJ’s nature to be self-assured in whatever they do, do not let that J assuredness make you forget your own foibles. It’s not just that you, fecaleagle, don’t know it all. It’s that all people with your type, have predictable blind spots in their way of thinking. The INTJ is not the R-ight way. It’s just one of 16 equally valid ways of seeing the world.

You have only one shot at not losing her forever... at least as this ENFP sees it:

You can let her be your teacher in this matter. You can choose to see the unique / special / complementary gifts that your ENFP brings to your life… that all Fs (Fi’s) bring to people’s lives. If you do some hard soul-searching here, maybe you’ll come to appreciate that your ENFP has gifts that you can’t even begin to compete with. For example, no matter how mad she is at you, I doubt she’d ever make the boneheaded move you did in your original post. You can learn a lot from her in matters of the heart… if you allow yourself to be taught.

So are you up for the challenge? INTJ enjoy intellectual exercises like solving puzzles. I applaud you for coming to this forum to try to understand what’s going on with your girlfriend. This is a good first step. And, somewhat of a challenge.

But if you want to rise to the demands of an even bigger challenge, you will put away your INTJ self-assuredness and approach this situation with an intellectual humility that is probably very difficult for you.

In other words, you are going to have to be intellectually vulnerable to her. This isn't about fair. This isn't about taking turns. Such things fall under the purview of Te. This is about letting her take the lead in this area. This is about your publicly recognizing that she is naturally more gifted in matters of the heart than you. And, then letting her teach you how to have a better heart.

I don’t know if this is enough to keep her at this point. Too much damage may have already been done. But regardless, you will be a better man for it.

LOL, its really sad how much of a hypocrite you are being in this post. It kinda makes me sick...disgusted. Yeah, I said it.

Hey, fecaleagle, do not let the ENFPs convince you that you were entirely in the wrong (which most of them seem to be strictly advocating). It seems pretty clear to me that both individuals were in the wrong. Just my 2 cents.

 

[Thalassa]

LOL, its really sad how much of a hypocrite you are being in this post. It kinda makes me sick...disgusted. Yeah, I said it.

Hey, fecaleagle, do not let the ENFPs convince you that you were entirely in the wrong (which most of them seem to be strictly advocating). It seems pretty clear to me that both individuals were in the wrong. Just my 2 cents.

HEY...I'm an ENFP and I said the same thing!!!!

Or maybe I'm an ESFP.

But yeah.

 

[Thalassa]

I think you're really INFJ.

I'm not ISFP, so don't even think about it!

I test INFJ sometimes, but people tell me I'm too confrontational.

I never thought you were ISFP, just so you know.

 

[fecaleagle]

How "temporary" are we talking? Did you discuss at least an approximate amount of time, or is it rather open ended?

I wouldn't be surprised if it were either, i'm usually not good with pinning down dates in situations like these, but make sure to stay in touch with how this situation affects you (and i can see it's really disrupting your routine). tbh if she's anything like me (since i can only go on my experience ) i would probably get about 2 weeks max talking to other guys before i cracked and realized it wasn't what i wanted. but at some point it will be more trouble than it's worth, no matter how much you love her. give her your understanding and her time, she needs it; but don't be afraid to stand up for your self if too much time goes by and you've had enough.

while i think it's too soon to say for sure on our end, marmalade.sunrise is right in that we can get wayyyy too caught up in our negative emotions and be VERY vengeful if we feel someone has really wronged us. it's true that she'll need time to feel comfortable again, maybe a lot. just keep that in mind, don't worry for now, you've done the best you can and i think you'll know when something is awry.

I agree. I'm thinking I'll wait 2 more weeks MAX before I'll let her know that even though I love her more than anything, I have to think of my own well-being at that point. If things don't fix themselves by then, then I don't think more time will do anything.

 

[stringstheory]

I agree. I'm thinking I'll wait 2 more weeks MAX before I'll let her know that even though I love her more than anything, I have to think of my own well-being at that point. If things don't fix themselves by then, then I don't think more time will do anything.

I think this is a good idea; as long as you really feel you have done absolutely everything you can, you have fulfilled your responsibility in this relationship. It's her turn to own up to her role in this situation and make things right. Good luck

 

[Esoteric Wench]

LOL, its really sad how much of a hypocrite you are being in this post. It kinda makes me sick...disgusted. Yeah, I said it.

Looks like my INTJ ex-boyfriend isn't the only INTJ who is want to take a paternalistic, self-righteous tone in such matters.



Mr. Time's remark embodies the very essence of what I was trying to convey in my comment... of how not to be.

As a side note, upon re-reading the thread in its entirety, I do think that fecaleagle was correct that by the time I posted this comment, he had already worked through these issues with others on this thread. I was most impressed.

 

[stalemate]

I have been pretty impressed with the Eagle of Poo in this thread. At first I thought he was just looking to argue and run everyone over with how right he was because his girlfriend wasn't letting him. I thought this was just his place to be right.

But as the thread has gone on, it is clear he really wants to understand and learn and is genuinely interested in doing what he can to save the relationship.

My hat is off to you, sir.

 

[Esoteric Wench]

I have been pretty impressed with the Eagle of Poo in this thread.

If ever there were a witty comment waiting to be made, it was this one. I guffawed when I read it.

fecaleagle, I've gotta say, that's quite the username you have there.

 

[fecaleagle]

Thanks everyone for staying with me and trying to understand where I was coming from. The supporting words really do mean a lot to me. Indeed my intentions were to improve my understanding, and the INTJ way of doing it can be very, very different than the ENFP way. When I try to learn, everything becomes impersonal and become critical of everything, and I am not offended by any criticism and only present my arguments as a way to evoke responses that can help me to become my own biggest critic. Hopefully you ENFPs have learned a bit more about how some INTJs can operate and communicate, and can work towards not taking everything they say or do personally. Certainly not an excuse to be able to act like an ass

And I'm glad you find my username interesting I'm just really patriotic, gotta support the American Eagle! I may be taking it to the extreme, but I like to extend my patriotism even into the bathroom. People are always shocked when they find a copy of the Constitution in there. So it was really just a matter of combining my two biggest interests, defecation and Amurica, with a little bit of rhyme

 

[Esoteric Wench]

Thanks everyone for staying with me and trying to understand where I was coming from. The supporting words really do mean a lot to me. Indeed my intentions were to improve my understanding, and the INTJ way of doing it can be very, very different than the ENFP way. When I try to learn, everything becomes impersonal and become critical of everything, and I am not offended by any criticism and only present my arguments as a way to evoke responses that can help me to become my own biggest critic. Hopefully you ENFPs have learned a bit more about how some INTJs can operate and communicate, and can work towards not taking everything they say or do personally. Certainly not an excuse to be able to act like an ass

And I'm glad you find my username interesting I'm just really patriotic, gotta support the American Eagle! I may be taking it to the extreme, but I like to extend my patriotism even into the bathroom. People are always shocked when they find a copy of the Constitution in there. So it was really just a matter of combining my two biggest interests, defecation and America, with a little bit of rhyme

OMG, you just reminded me of my INTJ when you said that. That is just the kind of thing he would say. Sort of adorable... in a creepy, dark, ironic INTJ humor kind of way. Makes me both cringe and smile.

 

[fecaleagle]

OK to make matters more complicated...this girl I haven't talked to in a long time messaged me and wants to "hang out" this weekend. I just know she wants to hook up and assumes I am single, which obviously I have zero interest in doing (not because of the girl herself but because I love my gf and the thought of being intimate with any other girl sickens me). But part of me wants to just go along with it and flirt and what not just to remind myself that I still have game and am desirable to girls. If she tries anything of course I'll be like whoa whoa, but I think I would have to initiate a move so I'm not really worried about that. I mean, my girlfriend must be going out now in order to be able meet these guys she wants to talk to in order to reprove our relationship to herself. I feel like a schmuck denying myself that same right. Is it different because I know this girl's intentions? Come to think of it, I assume my gf knows of these guys' intentions too...What do you guys think? And please let's disregard this girl's feelings, as mean as that sounds.

 

[Mr.Time]

Looks like my INTJ ex-boyfriend isn't the only INTJ who is want to take a paternalistic, self-righteous tone in such matters.



Mr. Time's remark embodies the very essence of what I was trying to convey in my comment... of how not to be.

As a side note, upon re-reading the thread in its entirety, I do think that fecaleagle was correct that by the time I posted this comment, he had already worked through these issues with others on this thread. I was most impressed.

More LOL.

Is it not self-righteous to assume someone else is being self-righteous? This is what I meant by hypocrisy.

 

[Thalassa]

More LOL.

Is it not self-righteous to assume someone else is being self-righteous? This is what I meant by hypocrisy.

No, not necessarily. It can just be an observation, even if you don't believe in your own righteousness.