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  1. #31
    He who laughs
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    seriously fecaleagle you have too much focus on yourself. If you want her to trust you show her that through being a stable boyfriend. It might take time but if she still thinks of you as her boyfriend atleast you are not in the cold. Ask her if you dont know or feel you are, being insecure is part of life. And the whole argument of what she did compared to you is just plain stupid. If you cant see that you seriously have a problem with being able to be in a relationship and my advice to you is stay single until you have learned the values a relationship needs.

  2. #32
    Senior Member copperfish17's Avatar
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    OP: Listen to Satine, she knows what she's talking about!

    http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...ml#post1214749
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    "Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience." - Greg King
    The worst mistake people make in political arguments is assuming that the other side is not trying to do the right thing. This simple oversight makes productive conversation nearly impossible.

  3. #33
    Senior Member Rebe's Avatar
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    Satine's post,



    Completely agree.

    I think it's complete bullshit when someone I love lashes out at me because they are frustrated. They can lash out and express anger, but not personally at me. I didn't do anything. I am not there to be your emotional punching bag.

  4. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by fecaleagle View Post
    I just don't get it. It was a lie I said because I guess I subconsciously knew it would hurt her, but did not realize how sensitive an ENFP can be. If someone said that to me and then told me they didn't mean it and they were sincere, I would be like okay just don't do that again. I wouldn't reanalyze and entire relationship based on one lie. But now I know, and have vowed to never purposely hurt her again. Everyone makes mistakes right? Mine wasn't even calculated. Why can't she see that? I've explained exactly where I was coming from, and provided countless examples of how I truly think she is supportive of me and cares about me
    Being honest with you here and at the risk of sounding mean... I think you are the one that is being confusing. Look at what I quoted. If I'm her, how do I know which part you mean? Do you mean the part where you said you wanted to break up or the part where you said you didn't mean it? And how do I know that you know which one you really meant?

    I would not want to spend the rest of my time with you wondering if you might have really wanted the break up and just not realized it yet.

    I'm not sure what the answer is exactly, but I think I would start with giving her some time to digest it all.

  5. #35
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    Satine's post is very good. I would be a little careful to not come off like you are just telling her what you think she wants to hear. She'll most likely see through it if that is the case. You have to be sincere.

  6. #36
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    I think if she was really all the time with you and knows you, she might be overreacting a bit if she indeed loves you enough to know you...

    I will say being so long with someone and dropping out at the sound of something that came completely of the blue (like your anger fueled breakup) is somewhat stupid....


    But I can attest that is something I, as ENFP, could maybe see myself doing too. It's about opening a precedent.

  7. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by marmalade.sunrise View Post
    Either I'm not an NF, or I'm the only NF on this web site who would not have a coniption fit if my bf of 3 years said we were broken up when he was pissed off and hopped on pain pills because his back hurt.

    I've had guys say stuff SO MUCH WORSE to me than that when they were mad and gotten over it.

    I mean, in a relationship, you have to understand that sometimes people say stuff when they're mad and then later talk through it.

    I don't know - if this is some major issue for her, she may be pushing you away because she's hurt - if I'm that hurt by something major, I'll turn into an ice queen but I give in if I love someone and he keeps trying. If you really love her, don't give up.

    And if you put forth a serious effort to prove your love to her, and she still ends a three year relationship over something like this, then maybe you should be with somebody else anyway.
    haha, my first thoughts were "Whoa, she's way too sensitive".

  8. #38
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    totally agree with satine...it's exactly how i felt but was too lazy to write.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  9. #39
    Senior Member fecaleagle's Avatar
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    Satine, thank you for your long post. It was really informative and showed me how it an ENFP would "feel" in this situation. It honestly sounds just like how she would feel. I obviously did not have this deep knowledge of ENFP emotion, even though she says I understand her the most out of anyone, I guess that the understanding wasn't this deep. I can't say that I agree that this type of analysis is accurate or the best way to do it, but I respect the fact that everyone is different and can feel however they want. I don't think my way of doing things is always the best way either, but I still feel that the emotion in your post is an overreaction, given what I know about my intentions and level of care, but I guess the whole point is that she has to be able to dwell in those emotions a bit, and slowly reintroduce logic and facts into the situation and hopefully be able to override the emotional scarring. I mean if we had dated for a couple of months instead of 3 years or didn't have such a deep connection, I would totally see where you are coming from. I guess this really is not as bad as a situation as I thought at first. It is a test for both of us. Besides the obvious for me, if she doesn't trust that I still love her the same, then despite my level of pain at first, I will know that we were never really meant to me. Her bond to me was not strong enough (doesn't matter whose fault it is) to overcome a situation like this, and it would save us a future heartache.

    Then you tell her that you didn't mean *any* of it. You appologize and *tell her* it was only mean to *hurt* her. This is your defense? Really? That's driving the dagger home, imo.

    So...you find it fun to play with my emotions, ruin my trust and deliberately harp on the very thing I trusted you with...my vulnerability? I get naked in front of you and all you can do is mock me? No worse, you tell me it's irrelevant that I shared this with you and just there for your enjoyment. For you to kick like a puppy. You clearly do not even recognize a treasure when you see it. Or know how to treat it properly
    Where was that respect again you were talking about?
    Let me clarify a bit more. Since I am known to be concise, I will just babble ENFP style and see how that goes for once haha. It wasn't as if I pulled this out of thin air because I knew it would hurt her. That's just mean. A big trigger was needed. It all grew from an incident that at the time I blew out of proportion (I regained composure over a day and told myself that her intentions were not to hurt me, no matter how stupid her actions were). I don't mean for these to be perceived as excuses or anything, just walking you through my head to allow you to walk in my shoes. Here is what happened. I was experiencing a ridiculous level of anxiety that day (for the record the level would have to be ridiculously high for me to complain or even want to admit/talk to someone about it; I usually just deal with shit in solitude and try not to affect anyone's life). The stresses of life leading up to that point plus the fact that I was in the process of switching anti-depressants (which I started taking a few months ago), only compounded everything. My neurotransmitter levels and ratios were readjusting (the two drugs target different reuptake pumps in the brain). A few days before I had inflammation of my deepest back muscles (there are three layers, so we're talking deep), and by this point I hadn't started corticosteroid treatment and the inflammation had peaked. I was in a SHIT ton of pain, unable to even rotate in my bed and barely able to breathe. And that was with painkillers. Aside from the pain and me being high (which by the way is a great recipe for almost completely inhibition of rash and emotional decision making by the prefrontal cortex aka the executive center of the brain, ever heard of Phineas Cage? That dude turned into an ass lol), the addition of very shallow breathing caused in increase in blood CO2 levels, which has been shown to trigger anxiety and panic, so add that to my previous level of anxiety and pain. So I text my girlfriend who is out with her friends and having fun, I did not want to disturb her by calling, and tell her I'm having a lot of anxiety and feel like shit bla bla and she says she will call me later but never did. That really hurt. I have never shown any sign of needing emotional support ever before from her, have always dealt with things on the inside, trying not to affect her (other than maybe being a bit more antisocial lately, but as an INTJ under a lot of stress I should be allowed that, but that's neither here or there). Anyways, exposing my vulnerability at that point and being blown off by the one I cared about most tore me apart, much like what my ENFP is going through right now. So then I overreacted, and extrapolated her behavior on that one night and basically conveyed that she has always treated me like that, which OBVIOUSLY is not true. I just wanted to hurt her. Yes I was an asshole, but at the moment she was a bitch so it felt justified. I was more upset than you can imagine (INTJs have feelings that logic can't control as well). The next thing I knew I said I wanted to break up and never see her again bla bla bla. So that's how it all happened, and I really feel like I was a passenger in the car with my emotions driving. The next day, I was over it. I didn't think she didn't care about me, didn't reevaluate our whole relationship based on one night, etc etc

    Quote Originally Posted by stalemate View Post
    Being honest with you here and at the risk of sounding mean... I think you are the one that is being confusing. Look at what I quoted. If I'm her, how do I know which part you mean? Do you mean the part where you said you wanted to break up or the part where you said you didn't mean it? And how do I know that you know which one you really meant?

    I would not want to spend the rest of my time with you wondering if you might have really wanted the break up and just not realized it yet.

    I'm not sure what the answer is exactly, but I think I would start with giving her some time to digest it all.
    How should she know which part I mean? Maybe just listen to me when I say which part I meant and which I didn't? Not trying to be an ass, I do understand that her core was disrupted and she is confused. But after a while she should step up and realize that I AM the only person that would know, and for her to try to take responsibility for figuring it out takes away from all of the growth and trust we have built. And given the fact that I have been appreciative, valued her, and always had her back no matter what, the decision should not be too difficult, in my opinion.

  10. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by fecaleagle View Post
    How should she know which part I mean? Maybe just listen to me when I say which part I meant and which I didn't? Not trying to be an ass, I do understand that her core was disrupted and she is confused. But after a while she should step up and realize that I mean I AM the only person that would know, and for her to try to take responsibility for figuring it out takes away from all of the growth and trust we have built. And given the fact that I have been appreciative, valued her, and always had her back no matter what, the decision should not be too difficult, in my opinion.
    It sounds like she *did* listen to you, at first, when you broke up with her. I think she needs time to sort through it. I might have missed it earlier... how long has it been since you said the mean stuff?

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