User Tag List

First 1234513 Last

Results 21 to 30 of 296

  1. #21
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    9w1 sx/so
    Posts
    18,086

    Default

    i'm really sensitive and tend to project that onto others and assume they are as well so i'll likely not even say the true stuff if i think it will hurt you....so...it's very hard to imagine someone would intentionally lie to hurt me.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  2. #22
    Senior Member fecaleagle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    MBTI
    INTj
    Posts
    120

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post
    i'm really sensitive and tend to project that onto others and assume they are as well so i'll likely not even say the true stuff if i think it will hurt you....so...it's very hard to imagine someone would intentionally lie to hurt me.
    But don't you think that your knowledge and my gf's knowledge of INTJs would let you be able to eventually realize that we are capable of such things? While still being able to be good people to be in a relationship with? It just seems like people in a relationship should be at least that understanding and trust even a little bit of logic in favor of emotion. I know I trust emotion over logic sometimes

  3. #23
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    9w1 sx/so
    Posts
    18,086

    Default

    sure it is likely that she'll begin to logically understand that.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  4. #24
    Member Cheshire Grin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    5
    Socionics
    IEI Ni
    Posts
    54

    Default

    I think that at this point in time, the more you try to reason with her and the more you continue to apologise, the more she will become irritated or stand-offish. Therefore, back off for a while and give her some space to think things over. On her own, she might even come to the realisation that she overreacted to your comments.

    Don't be too hard on yourself for now. Most of us have said hurtful or selfish things under times of stress. You mentioned that you went into protective mode (hence why you said those words); perhaps she's doing the same thing. She's keeping you at a distance because she doesn't want to have to face the emotional pain of having to hear them again even though you've assured her that it's not going to happen in the future.

    Now I don't know her so do take everything I say with a grain of salt. As for your questions:

    1. What should I do? Should I just suck it up, cut off my contact with her, and move on?
    Even if the board said yes, could you really do it? Based on what you've said, you really adore this girl. Give her some extra time to consider her priorities. Distract yourself with hobbies or other activities so she's not constantly running through your head, then come back and think about how to resolve the situation with a fresh mind.

    2. Knowing I'll be miserable, and force myself to get with other girls even though the thought sickens me?
    In these kinds of situations don't force yourself to get with other women. Chances are, both you and the new girl will end up hurt.

    3. It just makes no sense, because she HAS to know how much I love her, and I THOUGHT that she loved me back, but maybe I was completely wrong? We were "soulmates" and then overnight we are not? It's weird because the week before she told me how good of a bf I was and it made me so happy, and made me want to be an even better guy, and then I got completely blind-sided. Makes no sense, I know. Is it possible she's interested in another guy?
    Unless she's comprised of tin and wood of course she knows how much you love her. She can't just erase a three year relationship from her mind, especially when she's praised you for being such a good boyfriend. Her present attitude towards you could be explained by what kiddykat wrote, or it might just be her way of nursing her emotional wounds. You're trying really hard to right things so I do hope that she comes 'round. No idea if she's interested in another guy but presently don't think about confronting her with this question because the reaction will probably be "See? You can't even trust me, how do you expect..."

    Stay strong

  5. #25
    ReflecTcelfeR
    Guest

    Default

    To tell anyone that all their efforts are meaningless is a tremendous blow. Especially in the area in which they specialize, human behaviors... and such. Time heals all wounds, though the scar may be rather permanent. Chin up.

  6. #26
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    MBTI
    Enfp
    Enneagram
    497 sx/so
    Socionics
    IEE Fi
    Posts
    14,657

    Default

    Sorry for the wall of text!!!


    Hon..you're in a tough spot. You also did the one thing that crushes an NFP, at least, that would crush me. Trust was indeed shattered.

    I dunno if you can recognize this when you look back at your relationship, but the bond that I have with my INTJ is one build on teamspirit (stronger together against the world), trust (I know you have my back) and vulnerability (I know you love me for who I am, warts and all), not to mention no judgement (a consequence of that vulnerability) and honesty (completely sharing oneself, getting naked down to your soul with him).

    When I get naked with someone, I get naked to my soul. I bear all. And it scares the living daylights out of me, but it's what I consider trust and being completely *completley* honest with that person. That means that all those little nasty things that I don't like about my personality...I show you. All my weaknesses, all my insecurities. I'm betting she did that.

    Imagine how it feels to have the one person in the world that you trust with this stuff (coz most people find us weird and we don't do this with them as they wouldn't understand), that you thought was your soulmate and would never judge you, would keep you safe from the world, and understand who you are, love you for who you are, slap you in the face like that. Break up with you because you apparently do not care. When you've poured yourself into a relationship with *everyhting* you've got. The man you've known to be so stable (you guys are usually our rock), to be so loving, so reliable, so safe..suddenly turns on you and basically tells you that you are failing at the very thing you value. That you aren't good enough. That he's rejecting your love. And you feel like you don't even know him. Could he be right? Did you fail at actually caring and understanding you? If so, are you then still right for each other? What are you doing being together then? If after three years, I don't know him...I must've been blind and been deluding myself. And clearly, he sees it too..he doesn't love me coz I'm unable to understand where he's at. I'm not good enough for him.


    This, and more is probably what you caused when you broke up with her.

    I personally bond through vulnerability. To not be good enough when I show you nervously who I am, is one thing. I know, I'm prepared some people will reject me, and it *hurts*. But to get that response after three years...when you don't even see it coming...And you're the one who's wondering if she ever loved you???

    Can you see how this would lead to a looooooot of self-reflecting, self-doubt, hurt and insecurity?


    You've completely turned her world upside down. If she truly is NFP, she lives by her values and feelings. To have consistent feelings is something of a marvel for an ENFP (ask around , we always change our moods). To have them for three years for the same man...it means something. You've upset that balance. Made her question the validity of the things she's always considered to be true, and forced her to reevaluate all those things she perceived to be right, as she had no way this was coming. Somehow, she missed something, didn't know you as well as she thought she did..it means she has to go back to basics to find out what she missed. And change everything.


    Then you tell her that you didn't mean *any* of it. You appologize and *tell her* it was only mean to *hurt* her. This is your defense? Really? That's driving the dagger home, imo.

    So...you find it fun to play with my emotions, ruin my trust and deliberately harp on the very thing I trusted you with...my vulnerability? I get naked in front of you and all you can do is mock me? No worse, you tell me it's irrelevant that I shared this with you and just there for your enjoyment. For you to kick like a puppy. You clearly do not even recognize a treasure when you see it. Or know how to treat it properly
    Where was that respect again you were talking about?

    Ok, time to give you a break.

    I *know* you were frustrated and you wanted to lash out. And I know you love her to death, I understand you made a huge mistake and appologized for it. I can feel the fear of losing her in your words, and I can see how much she means to you. I *know* you didn't mean to do this to her. But you did. And yes, your regret should count for something, but it might, depending on her own insecurities, just not be enough to repair the damage. Especially not coz you, in your fear of losing her, are kinda coming off like 'get over it already, I said I didn't mean it!'. That's emotional blackmail, pressure and all sorts of thing that are just going to make her go cold and confirm that you're not the man she thought you were.

    I think you two would be a great couple if you could grow together. I genuinly can feel the respect and love you have for her. The question is...can she? Has she? And does she still dare to trust her perceptions?

    Personally, I think it's time to sacrifice the very thing that got you into this mess and level the playing field by being vulnerable like her: Your Pride.

    Realize that you may lose her. And she may end up hurting you like mad. That she could be the One that Got Away. And decide. Is she worth making this sacrifice for? Is she worth potentially risking excruciating pain becoz you made yourself emotionally vulnerable? If so, I say you write her indeed a letter, acknowledging what a moron you've been, in detail. Tell her you cannot stand the idea of a life without her. Tell her why. Most especially, tell her what motivated you to want to hurt her like that. Soul-search and acknowledge that there (I'm guessing now) were things that were frustrating you, list them, and explain how they probably influenced you and how she became the target of that rage. Give her that data, so she can finally *understand* why you did what you did. So, if she decides to come back, she has a way of recognizing when it happens again (which btw, you should work at preventing, but hey, you never know), and having a strategy to deal with it. Understanding helps us to see that the anger isn't really pointed at us, even if the words are, and that you're just in need for a vent (this is why when I start yelling at my bf, i start with an appology that it's not personal but im fed up ). End the letter by surrendering. What I mean is, tell her you'll understand whatever decision she makes. That you'd be sad beyond all reason to lose her, but you'd understand why she'd do it. Also mention that you still hold the hope that somehow you can work through this and grow as a couple from it. Don't guilttrip her, just express genuinly how you feel.


    BTW...if you do write that last part, mean it.

    Don't just write it, feel it. Surrender that pride. Stop protecting yourself, and going 'maybe she doesn't love me as much' and 'shouldn't she grant me the same??' That's your fear and pride talking. I have no doubt she did love you that much and struggles very hard with wanting to trust you again. Face the consequences, even though you may not agree with her decision. Accept that the ball is literally in her corner now and she has the right to choose as she sees fit. Just as you had the right to break up with her when you did. Let's hope she doesn't fall for the same trap you did, when your emotions overtook you, and sees the potential that's still there. If not..so be it.

    After the letter..give her space. What she desperately needs for you is to give her the space she needs to sort this out. Sort out your own emotions at the time, don't let them drive you batty, self-reflect till you find an inner calm, till you've accepted that you are in fact powerless in this situation. You've done all you can. All you can do is accept what's coming. Be calm. It might just remind her of the man you used to be to her: her rock and safe haven.


    Above all..I wish you strength. You have a rocky road in front of you. Good luck

    Note: I wrote this as I perceived her to probably feel atm based on the way you described her, in an attempt to understand her actions and motivations. It's not meant to make you feel bad about yourself, or belittle your side of it, it's meant to be able to help brainstorm on how to deal with the situation. I do believe that people are entitled to mistakes and that it should be something you work through as a couple, but it's hard to sometimes see past the hurt they've inflicted and keep yourself from actually lashing out like they did, and therefore effectively making the same mistake as they did, ironically.

    It was actually my INTJ that taught me how to deal with this. He showed me how to fight without it turning personal, that fighting as a couple is more meant to resolve issues, than it is to hurt the others feelings. That would be counterproductive, as you love them. That when some things come it, it has more to do with penned up frustration than the actual person in front of you. His calm when I ranted at him taught me to do the same when he finally lost it. As I knew that that ranting person wasn't him. Something caused that within him. And he was also quick to acknowledge that, and realize he was taking it out on me, making me understand and forgive even faster. That's also why I alraedy warn and appologize before I yell at him..coz I cannot stop myself but I am aware I'm taking things out on him. He tends to just stay calm, listen and eat like an apple, waiting for me to be done ranting
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





    "Harm none, do as ye will”
    Likes Gentleman Jack liked this post

  7. #27
    Permabanned
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    ISFP
    Enneagram
    6w7 sx
    Socionics
    SEE Fi
    Posts
    25,301

    Default

    Either I'm not an NF, or I'm the only NF on this web site who would not have a coniption fit if my bf of 3 years said we were broken up when he was pissed off and hopped on pain pills because his back hurt.

    I've had guys say stuff SO MUCH WORSE to me than that when they were mad and gotten over it.

    I mean, in a relationship, you have to understand that sometimes people say stuff when they're mad and then later talk through it.

    I don't know - if this is some major issue for her, she may be pushing you away because she's hurt - if I'm that hurt by something major, I'll turn into an ice queen but I give in if I love someone and he keeps trying. If you really love her, don't give up.

    And if you put forth a serious effort to prove your love to her, and she still ends a three year relationship over something like this, then maybe you should be with somebody else anyway.

  8. #28
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Enneagram
    5
    Posts
    202

    Default

    You're not an NF.



    Truth be told, I would find it more odd if the ENFP wasn't confusing you.

  9. #29
    movin melodies kiddykat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    4, 7
    Socionics
    IEE
    Posts
    1,115

    Default

    Marm, for me- it's situational also.

    I feel like what I did I put heart into, then it gets turned around and I get disrespected, I just don't like that. I don't think it's unreasonable for me to feel hurt when I'm dished an attitude.

    I think it's also the way that I've seen how my uncles and father treat their own wives.. Maybe it's just me but the way my dad loved my mom? It's left an imprint for how a guy treats his woman with 'Respect' in a relationship.

    I think when I blow things out of proportion, its usually when I realized in my mind, that I'm over it. Done. It's my excuse to move on. Rightfully so. When I'm fed up, I'm FED UP.

    I mean, when we love someone, we don't intentionally seek to mistreat them right? If so then it starts to feel like a power trip, not really about love but control. I run away from that. I dislike the mind games/emotional abuse.

    If I'm straightforward/upfront, then treat me that way.. otherwise, I'm out!

    Work it out with her though. I'm stating how I work, which may be different for her, considering what she finds she's okay with or not.. If I'm having a bad day, I don't tell my guy, "go away fucker." There's gottabe more communication than that.

    If you tell her exactly how you feel without being prideful, then I think she may reconsider, but if the dynamics between the two of you, and the perceptions on both parts aren't 'mutual' then I don't know what to say...

  10. #30
    Filthy Apes! Kalach's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Posts
    4,318

    Default

    What happened eight months ago?
    Bellison uncorked a flood of horrible profanity, which, translated, meant, "This is extremely unusual."

    Boy meets Grr

Similar Threads

  1. [ENFP] This ENFP is confusing me
    By strangecat in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 45
    Last Post: 04-26-2017, 11:29 AM
  2. [ENFP] This ENFP is confusing me
    By strangecat in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 04-02-2017, 04:20 AM
  3. [MBTItm] confused 19 year old infp and a 27 year old enfj/enfp women. Girls please help.
    By immytwin in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 11-06-2013, 02:46 AM
  4. I am still so confused! Please help me with my type
    By Fay in forum What's my Type?
    Replies: 33
    Last Post: 09-26-2013, 01:57 PM
  5. [ENFP] ENFP Girlfriend Stringing Me Along - Should I Keep Trying?
    By deanmartin12345 in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 87
    Last Post: 04-02-2013, 04:13 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO