[INFJ] INFJ's, do you hold back emotionally?

[ferrisbueller]

So I'm an ENFP, heavy on the NF, and I've been dating an INFJ for a little while. Generally things are going really well. She's very emotionally sensitive, which I certainly appreciate, and I love the NF-NF connection. Here's the problem: she seems to be completely unable to express her emotions verbally. I can count the times she has complimented me on one hand. We go to school together, but when school isn't in session we are long distance. Even when we've been separated for several weeks she can't say "I miss you."
I don't mean to imply that she is cold, obviously as an INFJ this isn't the case. I can tell that she cares through sweet little gestures. However, I'm a tremendously verbal person, and it hurts my feelings a little bit that she can't just say "I care about you."
Is it a time issue? Do I just have to earn the trust and loyalty of the INFJ over a longer period of time?
Is this typical INFJ behavior? On a little side note, ENFP/INFJ match, what does everybody think?

 

[redacted]

the behavior makes sense if she was badly hurt in the past or something. but it's not necessarily typical INFJ behavior.

i know for me, i can completely open up to people, as long as i deem them trustworthy. in my last relationship, i didn't hold back at all.

honestly, if you sense her being closed off to you, she is. i don't know what you can do to gain her trust, but if it hasn't happened yet, it probably never will. for me, i can tell in about 20 minutes whether or not a person is trustworthy. i'm wrong maybe 5% of the time, and if i am, i realize it very quickly. i couldn't ever imagine it taking longer than a day or so to figure out if i'll ever open up to someone.

maybe it's different, though, since i'm a male.

edit: just to add this on--
i hold back emotionally to almost everyone. i feel like INFJs are in very tight control of their impulses; the INFJs i know generally won't be very emotionally expressive, except in front of a select few.

 

[Athenian200]

How do you know she's an INFJ and not an INTJ or INFP? Gestures sound more Fi... I'm typically fairly expressive of feelings to people I trust and care about, and I try to be nice/helpful to everyone whether I like them or not (unless they manage to do something that irks me badly)... although I may be helpful to the ones I like but don't really know/trust more consistently.

 

[Kiddo]

So I'm an ENFP, heavy on the NF, and I've been dating an INFJ for a little while. Generally things are going really well. She's very emotionally sensitive, which I certainly appreciate, and I love the NF-NF connection. Here's the problem: she seems to be completely unable to express her emotions verbally. I can count the times she has complimented me on one hand. We go to school together, but when school isn't in session we are long distance. Even when we've been separated for several weeks she can't say "I miss you."
I don't mean to imply that she is cold, obviously as an INFJ this isn't the case. I can tell that she cares through sweet little gestures. However, I'm a tremendously verbal person, and it hurts my feelings a little bit that she can't just say "I care about you."
Is it a time issue? Do I just have to earn the trust and loyalty of the INFJ over a longer period of time?
Is this typical INFJ behavior? On a little side note, ENFP/INFJ match, what does everybody think?

First off, I'm a guy INFJ, so I don't know how valuable my insight would be.

I don't think I compliment too often. But there is always this underlying desire to be very affectionate when I'm with someone. The problem is I don't usually feel like it would be appropriate to express that. I don't know what the boundaries are or what is expected of me. Communication is what is most important. I have to know its alright to express those kinds of feelings and since I would be putting myself out there, I would expect reciprocation.

 

[redacted]

yeah it's like we see lots of possible social implications of each action we take, therefore we're overly careful because we don't want to imply the wrong thing.

 

[ferrisbueller]

A couple things: she actually seems like she's gotten less outwardly affectionate since we started actually dating, like now that she's officially admitted that she cares she's vulnerable or something. As for the "are you sure she isn't an INTJ" bit, I know a couple INTJ's really well, and she seems a lot more emotional. Plus she didn't test all that close to being a T, I'm pretty positive that she's an INFJ. It just clicks. She is emotionally affectionate, just not verbally, I guess that's the real issue.
I also have to wonder if inexperience could be part of it. We're pretty young and neither one of us has very much dating experience.
Also, I tend to be pretty heavily emotionally expressive. I'm the type of person that says "I miss you" a ton, I like to compliment my partner, and this seems to make her a bit uncomfortable, which makes me wonder if that's why a lot of people put INFJ/ENTP as a better match. Maybe I'm just too emotionally volatile for her.

 

[redacted]

ah this makes more sense.

at this point, being non-verbally affectionate is the best you can expect from her. you're both young.

and honestly, i can't think of a type as gushy as ENFPs, so you can't really expect to get the same kind of emotional expressiveness that you give.

 

[white]

first off, hi and welcome here.

Without knowing more than you've posted here, I'm just wondering if your emotions are not over-whelming hers actually, and in a sense making her wonder if she can return enough.

If she's unsure of her own feelings in the first place, the fact that you're giving more (in the sense of being more demonstrative), could be creating a bit of pressure on her, causing her to withdraw more.

I think INFJs want to take care of something, and will respond to a need they feel is genuine.

So words are not so much the point for them if the actions do not bear it. And perhaps she feels the emotions are excessive on your part but not borne out by consistent action - lack of truth in a way. Or perhaps you're just as affectionate with others, so she does not feel your emotions as genuine towards her?

Maybe that is the gap with the ENFP - the latter tends to seek positive affirmation through words and physical expressions. The former by little deeds and thoughtful conversation. . . Talk things over with her.

Erm. If the above was too blunt, and too presumptious, I apologize.

 

[Athenian200]

Oh, wait, I didn't pick up on the fact that you were dating this person and weren't just friends with them (I guess I skimmed, sorry)... and for some reason it hadn't even registered that you both weren't the same gender.

In that case, it makes sense. I've never dated or even been attacted to anyone, but I can tell you about my general behavior. I tend to be particularly expressive during special occasions or when I feel a person needs me (if they look sad or something). I'm also trying to be amiable when I first meet a person. What's weird, though, is that my behavior towards people after I get to know them and feel comfortable around them (like family or close friends) tends to be less expressive and more... "neutral" commentary and insight, I guess. I still care, but I end up trying to show it more by helping them understand themselves and other things. My tendency to be courteous and expressive actually kicks back in if I feel that the distance is increasing, though, but I usually only maintain it long enough to keep a certain equilibrium.

In real life, I tend to be fairly expressive, giving appropriate greetings, being nice, and usually help other people. So if someone takes advantage of my being nice or concerned about them to benefit themselves, I just think to myself, "Oh well, I should have seen that coming, my fault. I didn't lose anything I didn't offer voluntarily." But if I offer them constructive criticism, it usually means I trust that they want to be better people, and won't just take it personally. If they do take it personally, I usually feel hurt and betrayed, and probably won't offer such comments to them again, but will still be nice to them.

So essentially, the weird thing about me is that instead of feeling like I open my heart to someone and have them betray that by acting in their own self interest, it's the other way around. I feel betrayed if I trust someone's judgment and desire to improve enough to be honest with them, and they take it personally.

 

[ferrisbueller]

first off, hi and welcome here.

Without knowing more than you've posted here, I'm just wondering if your emotions are not over-whelming hers actually, and in a sense making her wonder if she can return enough.

If she's unsure of her own feelings in the first place, the fact that you're giving more (in the sense of being more demonstrative), could be creating a bit of pressure on her, causing her to withdraw more.

I think INFJs want to take care of something, and will respond to a need they feel is genuine.

So words are not so much the point for them if the actions do not bear it. And perhaps she feels the emotions are excessive on your part but not borne out by consistent action - lack of truth in a way. Or perhaps you're just as affectionate with others, so she does not feel your emotions as genuine towards her?

Maybe that is the gap with the ENFP - the latter tends to seek positive affirmation through words and physical expressions. The former by little deeds and thoughtful conversation. . . Talk things over with her.

Erm. If the above was too blunt, and too presumptious, I apologize.

Not at all, I think there's a lot of truth in that. I think I'm so emotionally gushy that my emotion comes across as fake or superficial. I also think that you're right that she feels pressure when I gush. On some level I probably am pressuring her to express her feelings verbally. I should probably back off a little. So hard with my ENFP nature, haha.

 

[armstrongvk12]

So I'm an ENFP, heavy on the NF, and I've been dating an INFJ for a little while. Generally things are going really well. She's very emotionally sensitive, which I certainly appreciate, and I love the NF-NF connection. Here's the problem: she seems to be completely unable to express her emotions verbally. I can count the times she has complimented me on one hand. We go to school together, but when school isn't in session we are long distance. Even when we've been separated for several weeks she can't say "I miss you."
I don't mean to imply that she is cold, obviously as an INFJ this isn't the case. I can tell that she cares through sweet little gestures. However, I'm a tremendously verbal person, and it hurts my feelings a little bit that she can't just say "I care about you."
Is it a time issue? Do I just have to earn the trust and loyalty of the INFJ over a longer period of time?
Is this typical INFJ behavior? On a little side note, ENFP/INFJ match, what does everybody think?

It seems to me that I read somewhere that INFJ has trouble verbally expressing emotion. I have a male INFJ friend who acts similarly. Every once in awhile....he says something.....but is usually when I have not kept up with correspondence....or contact. Could it also be an "I" thing? Since you are an extrovert...maybe expressing yourself verbally comes more easily? I would back off just a tiny bit and see what happens. I have a feeling that you are overwhelming her with your emotions. See what happens. On a side note, don't you just love INFJs?

 

[cascadeco]

first off, hi and welcome here.

Without knowing more than you've posted here, I'm just wondering if your emotions are not over-whelming hers actually, and in a sense making her wonder if she can return enough.

If she's unsure of her own feelings in the first place, the fact that you're giving more (in the sense of being more demonstrative), could be creating a bit of pressure on her, causing her to withdraw more.

I think INFJs want to take care of something, and will respond to a need they feel is genuine.

So words are not so much the point for them if the actions do not bear it. And perhaps she feels the emotions are excessive on your part but not borne out by consistent action - lack of truth in a way. Or perhaps you're just as affectionate with others, so she does not feel your emotions as genuine towards her?

Actually this is spot on, in terms of how I've probably come across in at least one of my past relationships (with an ENxP no less!), and my thought processes and reasons for distancing myself and maybe putting up a few walls. I had a near impossible time believing the guys' feelings were genuine, and had a *really* hard time rationalizing how he could call me his girlfriend after knowing me for only 2 weeks. That was the beginning of the end that happened 6 months later. ;-) In short: I never trusted him, and always doubted his true intentions.

There were other things with us, though...much of my lack of trust in him was outside the INFJ/ENFP dynamics - so I hope you are able to work things out with your girlfriend and come to a better understanding of each other!

 

[SolitaryPenguin]

I've been dating my INFJ for about a year and a half now, but she's been my best friend for 14 years (long tale of timing and the lack thereof) and I have really gotten used to her way of approaching emotional situations. She is definitely reserved in her mushy-ness, but I think I have gotten used to it, and almost value it now.

At first, being as expressive as I tend to be, I would be upset if the things I said weren't reciprocated verbally, like I am used to. After a while though, I realized that they were indeed being reciprocated, just not in the way I thought they would be. I don't necessarily think they are walls that she is putting up, more that it is just how she does things. I have gotten quite used to expressing myself the way that I know how to, and being able to see how she expresses herself the way she knows how to. All in all, I think I just had to learn how to look at it differently, and now I am hooked for life.

Hope that made some sense.

 

[cafe]

FWIW, when I first started seeing my husband, his emotions overwhelmed me which doesn't seem like a big deal unless you know he's an INTP.

I am always thinking about the future. I have very little ability to live in the moment at all and with relationships (and just about everything esle), sustainability is constantly on my mind.

I feared that a star that burned as brightly as my husband's could not help but burn out fast. I had trouble accepting someone who had known me for such a short time being so sure he loved me. It took some time for me to feel really comfortable with it all.

Now that I am more secure, I can express things verbally and with actions, but it's rare I show emotion. IOW, I will normally very calmly declare my joy, sorrow, or undying affection.

If I "should be" saying something and I'm not, it's usually because I'm still trying to process or I can't find any words that don't sound hollow and trite. Authenticity is important to me and sometimes words are so limited that they can't say what I mean and all they could hope to do is cheapen what I feel so I, probably unwisely, say nothing.

Also, one of my best friends is an ENFP. We've been friends for ten years and I think about half the time she thinks I'm mad at her or hate her when that isn't the case at all.

 

[Maverick]

Great, so if you stick around one for 10 years do you think eventually they will begin to trust you? Ok, double that for an ENTJ.

I guess it must be the "Ni" making the difference since ISFJ's are much more trusting and do not hold back emotionally in my experience. Quite the contrary.

 

[cafe]

Great, so if you stick around one for 10 years do you think eventually they will begin to trust you? Ok, double that for an ENTJ.

I guess it must be the "Ni" making the difference since ISFJ's are much more trusting and do not hold back emotionally in my experience. Quite the contrary.

Hey, I married the guy after knowing him less than a year. Give us a little credit.

 

[Totenkindly]

I guess it must be the "Ni" making the difference since ISFJ's are much more trusting and do not hold back emotionally in my experience. Quite the contrary.

Well, [female] ISFJs express everything so concretely. They can be reserved in a public setting or where socially appropriate, but their loves and hates do tend to be expressed tangibly. Very very passionate (in terms of any of their intense emotions, not just the romantic ones).

 

[Economica]

A couple things: she actually seems like she's gotten less outwardly affectionate since we started actually dating, like now that she's officially admitted that she cares she's vulnerable or something. (...) Also, I tend to be pretty heavily emotionally expressive. I'm the type of person that says "I miss you" a ton, I like to compliment my partner, and this seems to make her a bit uncomfortable, which makes me wonder if that's why a lot of people put INFJ/ENTP as a better match. Maybe I'm just too emotionally volatile for her.

Your predicament reminds me of how ENFP findthejake told his INFJ girlfriend of one month that he loved her at which point she ended the relationship:

I seriously think that things just moved too fast for her. I really think that we were just on different timetables and that things would have been cool on thursday and our weekend would have gone as planned if I hadn't used the "L" word on wednesday. I think that's what threw her back into her silence mode and what's made her cut me off. I totally scared her I think by moving too fast.

I stand by the advice I gave him:

I don't think you 'scared' her so much as you made her lose interest by coming on too strong. If you're beside yourself with eagerness to get her, you can't be much of a catch, right? Such is female illogic. :rolli:

(...) It's counter-intuitive, I know, but female interest level in a man is dependent on the man being a challenge - hard to get and hard to keep (...)

(I still won't argue this. I'm just putting it out there in case it resonates with someone.)

I hope things work out for you, but if they don't, there's also this:

Next time find an INTJ. (Here's why.)

 

[cascadeco]

(I still won't argue this. I'm just putting it out there in case it resonates with someone.)

Hehe...and I recall in the same thread writing that the same thing happened to me - that the guy said he loved me about 5-6 weeks into it, and that totally freaked me out, because I couldn't reciprocate at the time, was stressing about the fact that he seemed to feel so strongly about me and I wasn't there yet with him, I started feeling pressured, starting analyzing the whole relationship, was really uncomfortable that we weren't on the same page....etc.

So for me it had nothing to do with me seeing him as less of a catch.

 

[cascadeco]

I also want to add that one of the reasons I would tend to 'freak out' if someone declared their love for me within a relatively short period (or displayed intense feelings, even without saying the L word) is because I feel like I have a lot of layers/sides, so there's a lot of me that hasn't shone through within the first month or so. Someone loving me after what they've seen in just one month is scary...because I don't feel like they know half of what I'm about by that point, and I don't really consider that 'true love', or genuine love, if it comes out within such a short period of time.