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  1. #41
    Senior Member theshadow's Avatar
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    I dont have much to add to this discussion. except to say that the first girl who told me she loved me "that I really did like". kinda caused me to freak out. basically I dumped her. told her I needed about two weeks to decide. that was the end of things. not that this helps anyone I suppose

    btw hello wandering
    Last edited by theshadow; 12-28-2007 at 01:07 AM. Reason: for fun

  2. #42
    ish red no longer *sad* nightning's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kyrielle View Post
    And what other INFJs have been saying about their reactions to "I love you"...I'll add my name to that list. I've done simliar things, up to acting completely confused and baffled (while inside I'm freaking out utterly).
    *smacks head* Me too... Sometimes I feel fake when I say that "I love you" What does that mean really? What is love? I don't know! People keep on saying when you feel it you'll know. But huh? I've felt tenderness and caring. Is that love? The SJs seem so sure that they loved me. Yet me on the other hand was absolutely confused. It's an issue of being genuine. I feel that what I say must be correct. Yet Fe sense the other person wanting the love to be reciprocated. It makes for an extremely awkward situation. And the easiest way out is to run away.

  3. #43
    Senior Member Kyrielle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nightning View Post
    *smacks head* Me too... Sometimes I feel fake when I say that "I love you" What does that mean really? What is love? I don't know! People keep on saying when you feel it you'll know. But huh? I've felt tenderness and caring. Is that love? The SJs seem so sure that they loved me. Yet me on the other hand was absolutely confused. It's an issue of being genuine. I feel that what I say must be correct. Yet Fe sense the other person wanting the love to be reciprocated. It makes for an extremely awkward situation. And the easiest way out is to run away.
    It's the easiest way out, but also the messiest way out sometimes. I know what you mean, the pressure to respond appropriately can be crushing.

    Do you ever worry that it isn't genuine, because the second someone tells you they love you, your mind immediately jumps months or years down the road...and wonders if they'll still be with you?

    And yes, I agree. I also cannot say something relating to how I feel about someone if I'm not sure about it. But once I'm sure of something, it's very, very hard to be unsure about it again.

  4. #44
    Highly Hollow Wandering's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by faith View Post
    I tend to appreciate a certain amount of balance when it comes to emotions in relationships. If someone else is expressing all the emotion, then I can't seem to express any because it would upset the balance: it would be too much emotion from both of us at the same time--especially if it's all the same type of emotion. If the other person is expressing a little emotion, (not that he's necessarily feeling a little emotion, but that he's expressing it in smaller or less overwhelming increments) it can help me express mine. But if I feel my emotional fuse becoming overloaded by his emotion, I will usually refuse to express mine in order to prevent a meltdown.
    Hey, I do that too ! I totally adapt to the situation and try and provide what I see as needed to maintain a "balance" of emotions.

    Like, if something bad is happening and everyone is freaking out, then I'll be the calm and cool-headed one. But on the other hand if something that I see as bad is happening but nobody else seems to care, then I'll be the one freaking out.

    Another example is mushy movies. If I turn out to be the only one crying, then I'll start explaining why I get all mushy and stuff. But if everyone else is crying along with me, then I'll probably crack some kind of cynic joke about it.

    I'd never really thought about that before. I'm not sure *why* I do that. It's like I'm always trying to "strike a balance" in my emotions, to not "get carried away", or something. Weird.

    ***

    Hi there Shadow !!

  5. #45
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nightning View Post
    *smacks head* Me too... Sometimes I feel fake when I say that "I love you" What does that mean really? What is love? I don't know! People keep on saying when you feel it you'll know. But huh? I've felt tenderness and caring. Is that love? The SJs seem so sure that they loved me. Yet me on the other hand was absolutely confused. It's an issue of being genuine. I feel that what I say must be correct. Yet Fe sense the other person wanting the love to be reciprocated. It makes for an extremely awkward situation.
    I can relate to this. And also I think people have different definitions/conceptions of what love is. My definition is more of a long-lasting 'true' love, so I'm not going to say it in a relationship for quite a while. Until I know it's the real deal, and not just infatuation, or loving the idea of being in love...etc...

    Quote Originally Posted by Kyrielle View Post
    Do you ever worry that it isn't genuine, because the second someone tells you they love you, your mind immediately jumps months or years down the road...and wonders if they'll still be with you?
    Definitely.

    My mind is always leaping months/years ahead, which is why I suck at dating, and dating is the bane of my existance. It can be a personal tug-of-war, in the sense that you kinda need to take things day by day in order to get to know someone and let things happen of their own accord, and also simply to enjoy the moment. But my mind is constantly projecting the potential relationship into the future, which tends to negate this! But I can't help it!!!!
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  6. #46
    ish red no longer *sad* nightning's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kyrielle View Post
    Do you ever worry that it isn't genuine, because the second someone tells you they love you, your mind immediately jumps months or years down the road...and wonders if they'll still be with you?
    Quote Originally Posted by cascademn View Post
    My mind is always leaping months/years ahead, which is why I suck at dating, and dating is the bane of my existance. ... But my mind is constantly projecting the potential relationship into the future, which tends to negate this! But I can't help it!!!!
    It's the curse of the INFJs! I share the sentiments. I know it sounds a little silly, but the word love is associated with "life time" and gah! So many things can happen and I hate retracting my words. So unless I can fully visualize it, there's a huge pause after I hear the words "I love you".


    I also cannot say something relating to how I feel about someone if I'm not sure about it. But once I'm sure of something, it's very, very hard to be unsure about it again.
    *nods* I am hesitant in making decisions as well, but once I've figured it out, good luck trying to change my mind.


    Quote Originally Posted by Wandering View Post
    Like, if something bad is happening and everyone is freaking out, then I'll be the calm and cool-headed one. But on the other hand if something that I see as bad is happening but nobody else seems to care, then I'll be the one freaking out.
    +1 I consider it a part of getting the job done. It doesn't matter how stressful or long the whole situation is, if everyone is panicking I'll be calm and logical until things are back on track. After that, I collapse in private.

  7. #47
    Highly Hollow Wandering's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nightning View Post
    *nods* I am hesitant in making decisions as well, but once I've figured it out, good luck trying to change my mind.
    Isn't this the hallmark of DomNi? That Ni takes its time to come to a conclusion, but once it does, it doesn't look back?

    I consider it a part of getting the job done. It doesn't matter how stressful or long the whole situation is, if everyone is panicking I'll be calm and logical until things are back on track. After that, I collapse in private.
    Same here. I like how you put it: "a part of getting the job done". That's exactly how it feels to me.

  8. #48
    Wild Card Atomic Fiend's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by aelan View Post

    slight derailment - growing litter of INFJs:

    athenian200
    cafe
    cascademn
    dissonance
    faith
    Kiddo
    Kyrielle
    MJ_
    nightning
    Toonia(?)
    Wandering
    *Clears throat*

  9. #49
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    Quote Originally Posted by faith View Post
    I tend to appreciate a certain amount of balance when it comes to emotions in relationships. [...]
    Quote Originally Posted by Wandering View Post
    [...] I totally adapt to the situation and try and provide what I see as needed to maintain a "balance" of emotions. [...]
    I think this phenomenon of "balancing" emotions is why some people accuse INFJs of being insincere. You guys sometimes appear to exhibit (and even feel) emotions in counterpoint to the people around you. You appear to wait and see what others feel and then exhibit a contrary degree of emotion (or even a contrary emotion) as though applying your own emotions secondarily and calculatingly to the situation as a corrective.

    IOW, Fe and Te are judging functions and serve to evaluate things and bring order to the environment, and usually involve creating some personal and psychological distance as part of the evaluation process. People don't mind Te being used in this fashion, because T is perceived as a "cold" function anyway, and logic can be used to justify practically anything. But on the other hand people may resent Fe being used that same way (i.e., using emotions in counterpoint to create distance and evaluate) because feelings and emotions are supposed to be true and come from the gut and not be used for something "cold" like distancing and evaluation.

    But personally, I just lump Te and Fe under the broad heading of "J-ness." Te and Fe both operate much the same way: they temporarily create distance and evaluate. They aren't manipulative in the sense of being deliberately brought into play in order to bring about a desired result; rather they seem to be more of an emotional knee-jerk reaction under predictable circumstances and with predictable results. IOW, it's too automatic to be manipulative, IMO.

    When I spot Te and Fe in action, I don't necessarily understand it; I just filter for it by saying to myself, "Oh, that's their J-ness kicking in." I see it as just a neutral thing: Te and Fe people simply do their J function out in the open with much the same result as each other.

    Naturally, as an Fi I do the same J function myself internally: I bring order and create distance between myself and feeling and values internally. Internally, I can be very judgmental, distance myself from strong emotional contexts, make deliberate and even cynical choices about what emotions I will apply to a given situation, or engage in thoughtless knee-jerk prioritization of my values (resulting in harsh disapproval of things that rub me the wrong way or sloppy sentimentalism about things I connect with even casually). But at least I avoid the label of "insincerity" by virtue of hiding that J function and practicing it internally, rather than externally like Fe Judgers.

    People consider my Fi emotions to be more sincere than Fe emotions, because people only see the rather uncontrolled end result of my judgment and not the distancing/kneejerk/"insincere" internal judgment itself. On the other hand, since people don't see any judgment function in evidence, they may think INFPs are all emotion and no judgment. People consider INFPs to be at the mercy of their emotions and label us "oversensitive," "needy," "giddy," or "whiny." So in the end, I guess you can't really win with F. When you can't hide behind the label of "logic," then either Fe or Fi is going to have negative ramifications in people's eyes.

    Or something like that.

  10. #50
    Member lbloom's Avatar
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    How much would an INFJ want their SO to express emotions verbally? Or are you entirely content to have your SO "feel it inside" only, too?

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