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  1. #31
    Highly Hollow Wandering's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ferrisbueller View Post
    In particular the lengthy post by Wandering was really insightful.
    You'll soon learn that "lengthy post by Wandering" is redundant All my posts tend to be either one-liners or lengthy

    Oh, and of course, you'll notice that I just tried to deflect your compliment to me Honestly, though: thanks, and I'm always glad to be of help. I just hope that nothing will backfire if you try to apply any of my pieces of practical advice! (If it does, don't hesitate to complain: even a backfire is a useful piece of information to better understand someone)

    An ENFP feels a very strong feeling that they equate to love very quickly; then they want desperately to share that feeling verbally and for it to be reciprocated the same way. ENFP's are the ultimate compliment fishers, and they almost "fish for love" in that way, as ridiculous as it sounds.
    It's not ridiculous. It's just the way you are. Just because INFJs are so not like that doesn't mean it's ridiculous. By the way: you might want to tell that to your INFJ. Just be sincere, and tell her that it's just the way you are. As long as you make it clear that you don't expect her to be the same, or to morph herself around your needs, she shouldn't have any major problem with it. Though she might be a bit lost at first as to how to deal with it, so then you might want to discuss it a bit more. Discussion, discussion, discussion: you can't go wrong if you choose to truly, deeply, sincerely, honestly, and reciprocately discuss with an INFJ Just make sure you give her time to digest the stuff you've told her!* We DomNi types need time to put all the pieces together and decide on a new strategy. It's normal. It doesn't mean we have forgotten what you told us, or dismissed it, it just means that we are still "cooking" it. You've got to wait until the cake is out of the oven, but then you may be amazed at what we came up with!

    * Also make sure she feels safe enough to bring up an "old" issue with you again. That's another typical trait of INFJs: we understand things in stages. So sometimes we need to revisit an old issue because we now have a better/deeper understanding of it, so we want to re-explore it to see if we can get an even better understanding of it yet.

  2. #32
    Highly Hollow Wandering's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    That's so funny to me because the first time my husband told me he loved me (after I nearly swallowed my tongue) I said "ditto." I was totally, totally freaked. And I grew up hearing and saying "I love you" on a daily basis. I felt horrible and I really did think I loved him, too. You just don't say something that big until you know.
    lol

    Actually, I already *knew* that I loved him, enough even to marry him should he ever ask me, but somehow the enormity of the words themselves scared me. And now that I think of it, I can't even begin to imagine how I would have reacted if he had told them to me face to face I think I would have gone all stony or something

  3. #33
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wandering View Post
    By the way: you might want to tell that to your INFJ. Just be sincere, and tell her that it's just the way you are. As long as you make it clear that you don't expect her to be the same, or to morph herself around your needs, she shouldn't have any major problem with it. Though she might be a bit lost at first as to how to deal with it, so then you might want to discuss it a bit more. Discussion, discussion, discussion: you can't go wrong if you choose to truly, deeply, sincerely, honestly, and reciprocately discuss with an INFJ Just make sure you give her time to digest the stuff you've told her!* We DomNi types need time to put all the pieces together and decide on a new strategy. It's normal. It doesn't mean we have forgotten what you told us, or dismissed it, it just means that we are still "cooking" it. You've got to wait until the cake is out of the oven, but then you may be amazed at what we came up with!

    * Also make sure she feels safe enough to bring up an "old" issue with you again. That's another typical trait of INFJs: we understand things in stages. So sometimes we need to revisit an old issue because we now have a better/deeper understanding of it, so we want to re-explore it to see if we can get an even better understanding of it yet.
    I agree with all of this. Oh, and like you, I also tend to write either very lengthy posts, or short ones. :-)
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  4. #34
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wandering View Post
    lol

    Actually, I already *knew* that I loved him, enough even to marry him should he ever ask me, but somehow the enormity of the words themselves scared me. And now that I think of it, I can't even begin to imagine how I would have reacted if he had told them to me face to face I think I would have gone all stony or something
    Yeah. I knew by the end of our first conversation that he was "the one" but I didn't trust it. My Ti overruled my Ni, I guess, and told my Fe to STFU, lol.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  5. #35
    Highly Hollow Wandering's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    Yeah. I knew by the end of our first conversation that he was "the one" but I didn't trust it. My Ti overruled my Ni, I guess, and told my Fe to STFU, lol.
    Funny, it was pretty much the same for me Mind you, in my case, I had a good reason to be willing to wait and see: 9 years before, I met another guy who I still believe today could have been "the one", but he never "saw" me Tough way to learn that it doesn't matter how much we might love someone else: if they don't love us back, we have no future together. So I figured I'd just wait and see with this one. It took him some time to go from "I like you" to "hey, I love you!", and from "I love you" to "hey, let's get married", but he got there in the end, and that's all that matters, right ?

  6. #36
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    I tend to appreciate a certain amount of balance when it comes to emotions in relationships. If someone else is expressing all the emotion, then I can't seem to express any because it would upset the balance: it would be too much emotion from both of us at the same time--especially if it's all the same type of emotion. If the other person is expressing a little emotion, (not that he's necessarily feeling a little emotion, but that he's expressing it in smaller or less overwhelming increments) it can help me express mine. But if I feel my emotional fuse becoming overloaded by his emotion, I will usually refuse to express mine in order to prevent a meltdown.

    I notice this a lot when I'm with my ENFJ dad or ENFP aunt. With a calm person, I can be very emotionally expressive. But when my aunt gets all weepy with emotion I find myself drying up completely--even if it's the same thing that would normally trigger an emotional response in me. I have such a hard time with my dad because, as a dad, his emotions and emotional expressions take priority. When he's angry or frustrated, I can't bring myself to express my anger or frustration because he "has the floor," so to speak. I wind up turning that anger onto myself and I think it becomes rather unhealthy.

    I'm speaking specifically of somewhat "excessive" displays of emotion in other people--not of a simple hug or a quiet tear or a word of affection.

  7. #37
    Senior Member Kyrielle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by faith View Post
    I tend to appreciate a certain amount of balance when it comes to emotions in relationships. If someone else is expressing all the emotion, then I can't seem to express any because it would upset the balance: it would be too much emotion from both of us at the same time--especially if it's all the same type of emotion. If the other person is expressing a little emotion, (not that he's necessarily feeling a little emotion, but that he's expressing it in smaller or less overwhelming increments) it can help me express mine. But if I feel my emotional fuse becoming overloaded by his emotion, I will usually refuse to express mine in order to prevent a meltdown.

    I notice this a lot when I'm with my ENFJ dad or ENFP aunt. With a calm person, I can be very emotionally expressive. But when my aunt gets all weepy with emotion I find myself drying up completely--even if it's the same thing that would normally trigger an emotional response in me. I have such a hard time with my dad because, as a dad, his emotions and emotional expressions take priority. When he's angry or frustrated, I can't bring myself to express my anger or frustration because he "has the floor," so to speak. I wind up turning that anger onto myself and I think it becomes rather unhealthy.

    I'm speaking specifically of somewhat "excessive" displays of emotion in other people--not of a simple hug or a quiet tear or a word of affection.
    I've noticed I do exactly the same thing. It makes me feel like a hypocrite sometimes since with some people I'll become this unemotional, rational, technical, cynical being...and with others I'll become this emotionally expressive, silly, bubbly person. Both of them are the same me...just I guess you could say they're the two sides of myself that are most at odds.

    And what other INFJs have been saying about their reactions to "I love you"...I'll add my name to that list. I've done simliar things, up to acting completely confused and baffled (while inside I'm freaking out utterly).

  8. #38
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kyrielle View Post
    I've noticed I do exactly the same thing. It makes me feel like a hypocrite sometimes since with some people I'll become this unemotional, rational, technical, cynical being...and with others I'll become this emotionally expressive, silly, bubbly person. Both of them are the same me...just I guess you could say they're the two sides of myself that are most at odds.
    I experience that as well. For me it has something to do with my level of trust.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

    I want to be just like my mother, even if she is bat-shit crazy.

  9. #39
    Member MJ_'s Avatar
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    WRT "I love you", you may hear the words "I'm not ready to say that. I don't mean to hurt you, but I'm not ready".

  10. #40
    ~dangerous curves ahead~
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    Quote Originally Posted by nightning View Post

    I wouldn't be so quick to eliminate that she doesn't love in the same way... it could be just repressed feelings. Not sure how to voice them.
    * I had meant that they were not expressing their love in the same way.

    Quote Originally Posted by MJ_ View Post
    WRT "I love you", you may hear the words "I'm not ready to say that. I don't mean to hurt you, but I'm not ready".
    Actually. I don't use those words a lot IRL. I find them hard to say. I'd only say it if I were sure of it. But I've never been. That's a similarity that's striking between INFJs and ENTPs methinks.

    slight derailment - growing litter of INFJs:

    athenian200
    cafe
    cascademn
    dissonance
    faith
    Kiddo
    Kyrielle
    MJ_
    nightning
    Toonia(?)
    Wandering

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