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  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by ferrisbueller View Post
    So I'm an ENFP, heavy on the NF, and I've been dating an INFJ for a little while. Generally things are going really well. She's very emotionally sensitive, which I certainly appreciate, and I love the NF-NF connection. Here's the problem: she seems to be completely unable to express her emotions verbally. I can count the times she has complimented me on one hand. We go to school together, but when school isn't in session we are long distance. Even when we've been separated for several weeks she can't say "I miss you."
    I don't mean to imply that she is cold, obviously as an INFJ this isn't the case. I can tell that she cares through sweet little gestures. However, I'm a tremendously verbal person, and it hurts my feelings a little bit that she can't just say "I care about you."
    Is it a time issue? Do I just have to earn the trust and loyalty of the INFJ over a longer period of time?
    Is this typical INFJ behavior? On a little side note, ENFP/INFJ match, what does everybody think?
    It seems to me that I read somewhere that INFJ has trouble verbally expressing emotion. I have a male INFJ friend who acts similarly. Every once in awhile....he says something.....but is usually when I have not kept up with correspondence....or contact. Could it also be an "I" thing? Since you are an extrovert...maybe expressing yourself verbally comes more easily? I would back off just a tiny bit and see what happens. I have a feeling that you are overwhelming her with your emotions. See what happens. On a side note, don't you just love INFJs?

  2. #12
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by aelan View Post
    first off, hi and welcome here.

    Without knowing more than you've posted here, I'm just wondering if your emotions are not over-whelming hers actually, and in a sense making her wonder if she can return enough.

    If she's unsure of her own feelings in the first place, the fact that you're giving more (in the sense of being more demonstrative), could be creating a bit of pressure on her, causing her to withdraw more.

    I think INFJs want to take care of something, and will respond to a need they feel is genuine.

    So words are not so much the point for them if the actions do not bear it. And perhaps she feels the emotions are excessive on your part but not borne out by consistent action - lack of truth in a way. Or perhaps you're just as affectionate with others, so she does not feel your emotions as genuine towards her?
    Actually this is spot on, in terms of how I've probably come across in at least one of my past relationships (with an ENxP no less!), and my thought processes and reasons for distancing myself and maybe putting up a few walls. I had a near impossible time believing the guys' feelings were genuine, and had a *really* hard time rationalizing how he could call me his girlfriend after knowing me for only 2 weeks. That was the beginning of the end that happened 6 months later. ;-) In short: I never trusted him, and always doubted his true intentions.

    There were other things with us, though...much of my lack of trust in him was outside the INFJ/ENFP dynamics - so I hope you are able to work things out with your girlfriend and come to a better understanding of each other!
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  3. #13
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    I've been dating my INFJ for about a year and a half now, but she's been my best friend for 14 years (long tale of timing and the lack thereof) and I have really gotten used to her way of approaching emotional situations. She is definitely reserved in her mushy-ness, but I think I have gotten used to it, and almost value it now.

    At first, being as expressive as I tend to be, I would be upset if the things I said weren't reciprocated verbally, like I am used to. After a while though, I realized that they were indeed being reciprocated, just not in the way I thought they would be. I don't necessarily think they are walls that she is putting up, more that it is just how she does things. I have gotten quite used to expressing myself the way that I know how to, and being able to see how she expresses herself the way she knows how to. All in all, I think I just had to learn how to look at it differently, and now I am hooked for life.

    Hope that made some sense.

  4. #14
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    FWIW, when I first started seeing my husband, his emotions overwhelmed me which doesn't seem like a big deal unless you know he's an INTP.

    I am always thinking about the future. I have very little ability to live in the moment at all and with relationships (and just about everything esle), sustainability is constantly on my mind.

    I feared that a star that burned as brightly as my husband's could not help but burn out fast. I had trouble accepting someone who had known me for such a short time being so sure he loved me. It took some time for me to feel really comfortable with it all.

    Now that I am more secure, I can express things verbally and with actions, but it's rare I show emotion. IOW, I will normally very calmly declare my joy, sorrow, or undying affection.

    If I "should be" saying something and I'm not, it's usually because I'm still trying to process or I can't find any words that don't sound hollow and trite. Authenticity is important to me and sometimes words are so limited that they can't say what I mean and all they could hope to do is cheapen what I feel so I, probably unwisely, say nothing.

    Also, one of my best friends is an ENFP. We've been friends for ten years and I think about half the time she thinks I'm mad at her or hate her when that isn't the case at all.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
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  5. #15
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    Great, so if you stick around one for 10 years do you think eventually they will begin to trust you? Ok, double that for an ENTJ.

    I guess it must be the "Ni" making the difference since ISFJ's are much more trusting and do not hold back emotionally in my experience. Quite the contrary.

  6. #16
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maverick View Post
    Great, so if you stick around one for 10 years do you think eventually they will begin to trust you? Ok, double that for an ENTJ.

    I guess it must be the "Ni" making the difference since ISFJ's are much more trusting and do not hold back emotionally in my experience. Quite the contrary.
    Hey, I married the guy after knowing him less than a year. Give us a little credit.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  7. #17
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maverick View Post
    I guess it must be the "Ni" making the difference since ISFJ's are much more trusting and do not hold back emotionally in my experience. Quite the contrary.
    Well, [female] ISFJs express everything so concretely. They can be reserved in a public setting or where socially appropriate, but their loves and hates do tend to be expressed tangibly. Very very passionate (in terms of any of their intense emotions, not just the romantic ones).
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  8. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by ferrisbueller View Post
    A couple things: she actually seems like she's gotten less outwardly affectionate since we started actually dating, like now that she's officially admitted that she cares she's vulnerable or something. (...) Also, I tend to be pretty heavily emotionally expressive. I'm the type of person that says "I miss you" a ton, I like to compliment my partner, and this seems to make her a bit uncomfortable, which makes me wonder if that's why a lot of people put INFJ/ENTP as a better match. Maybe I'm just too emotionally volatile for her.
    Your predicament reminds me of how ENFP findthejake told his INFJ girlfriend of one month that he loved her at which point she ended the relationship:

    Quote Originally Posted by findthejake View Post
    I seriously think that things just moved too fast for her. I really think that we were just on different timetables and that things would have been cool on thursday and our weekend would have gone as planned if I hadn't used the "L" word on wednesday. I think that's what threw her back into her silence mode and what's made her cut me off. I totally scared her I think by moving too fast.
    I stand by the advice I gave him:

    Quote Originally Posted by Economica View Post
    I don't think you 'scared' her so much as you made her lose interest by coming on too strong. If you're beside yourself with eagerness to get her, you can't be much of a catch, right? Such is female illogic. :rolli:

    (...) It's counter-intuitive, I know, but female interest level in a man is dependent on the man being a challenge - hard to get and hard to keep (...)
    (I still won't argue this. I'm just putting it out there in case it resonates with someone.)

    I hope things work out for you, but if they don't, there's also this:

    Next time find an INTJ. (Here's why.)

  9. #19
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Economica View Post
    (I still won't argue this. I'm just putting it out there in case it resonates with someone.)
    Hehe...and I recall in the same thread writing that the same thing happened to me - that the guy said he loved me about 5-6 weeks into it, and that totally freaked me out, because I couldn't reciprocate at the time, was stressing about the fact that he seemed to feel so strongly about me and I wasn't there yet with him, I started feeling pressured, starting analyzing the whole relationship, was really uncomfortable that we weren't on the same page....etc.

    So for me it had nothing to do with me seeing him as less of a catch.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  10. #20
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    I also want to add that one of the reasons I would tend to 'freak out' if someone declared their love for me within a relatively short period (or displayed intense feelings, even without saying the L word) is because I feel like I have a lot of layers/sides, so there's a lot of me that hasn't shone through within the first month or so. Someone loving me after what they've seen in just one month is scary...because I don't feel like they know half of what I'm about by that point, and I don't really consider that 'true love', or genuine love, if it comes out within such a short period of time.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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