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  1. #11
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    It's immature to think you know everything when you don't and to rebel against everything for the sake of rebelling. In other words "reacting" or doing things just to make a point.

    However, realizing a situation is not good for you and wanting to do right by everyone involved is a sign of maturity.

    I would save up some money and move out in a few months or find a friend to stay with. Don't let your parents give you doubts.

    All young people starting out are vulnerable and prone to mistakes - such is life! And you only get better and smarter by trying and doing.

    If you don't know exactly what you want to do with your life, focus on meaningful things pursuing hobbies, interests, volunteering, school. Backpack around the world. Do things that "kids" do to "find themselves" or just kill time in amusing ways.

    Your parents and that safety net will always be there. It's always better for life to start now rather than later.
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

    "I'm outtie 5000" ― Romulux

    Johari/Nohari

  2. #12
    Senior Member alcea rosea's Avatar
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    I just wanted to add that with my posts I didn't mean that you should just leave immediately. I meant that find your way and figure out how to get there. Figure out how to get along financially, how to get along with your parents when having independent life, figure out what you want to do (a career), figure out our goals in life. And after figuring out all of that, make a plan and make things happen. Do things, mistakes will happen, make corrections and so on.

    Your parents sound like good folks, but I read between the lines (maybe wrogly?) that they aren't just ready to let you go. But, life is so that children will grow up and want to be independent and to make their own life decisions and their own mistakes. But as long as it's your path, your way, not something other people expect you to do. Because following other people's needs doesn't (usually) lead to happiness. At least in my case. Maybe somebody else will be happy that way. (?)

    And good luck to you fellow ENFP!

  3. #13
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ergophobe View Post
    Some things to think about:
    Are you being offered a job in investment banking right now without more education or internships? Do you have other job prospects?
    It's a tough market out there right now. Consider taking the job your parents find you if it pays well, save up enough in a year to move out and get your own place and use the year to figure out what you really want to do by taking some evening/weekend courses or spending time doing research on careers that would be a good fit for you.
    This.

    Ne will drive you to explore and rebel just for the sake of rebellion. It's fun, but make sure you are financially independent first. By finding a career which makes you financially stable, you have the option of doing what you really enjoy later on. As you research that career try and take the skills you are learning and figure out how to use them in pursuit of something you really love long term.

    If you choose to stay living with family-make them accept a rent payment every month. If possible, establish boundaries regarding what they can and cannot control in your life, so that when tricky situations arise, there are some rules established to clarify the situation. ie a girlfriend

  4. #14
    Junior Member RobinsonCrusoe's Avatar
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    Their biggest fear is that I'm going to end up poor, without even the proverbial pot to piss in. And although I don't know why I feel this way, I'm confident that I'll never truly starve. I feel that one way or another, I'll find a way to hack it if I just had the chance.

    I'm always confused why a lot of adults put so much emphasis on money. They never explain WHY making a lot of money is so important, they're always telling me things like "screw your values and principles. suck up if you have to. but make that money." then they give me a knowing glance, as if they're imparting some super-secret parcel of knowledge and that I was lucky enough to have received it.

    are these people really happier with lots of money? do their lives really get that much better? guy friends i know who are in i-banking and make over 100K in their late 20's live in really nice apartments, go to yankees games all the time, but they hate their girlfriends and have gained a lot of weight from drinking heavily every night.

    is this what my parents are getting me ready for? a life of hanging out at bars to get away from a girlfriend who doesn't love me and buying expensive toys to fill the void in my soul?

    my parents believe that my income is going to determine what kind of girls I'm going to marry. that girls will not even look at me if I'm not making the kind of money my friends are. they also believe that I won't truly be happy later in life unless I make this kind of money now. and they're always telling me that the time to live and have fun is in my 40's or 50's...and that my 20's should be used to work my tail off.

    I feel that this is all wrong, but I honestly don't know what the truth of the situation is. Maybe girls really DO marry based on income. Maybe all that stuff about true love is bogus. I have no idea. I don't know what THEIR parents are telling their little girls about love and happiness. Right now, they could be telling their daughters about how true happiness means finding a man who can pay for anything they want, even if they don't love him as much. I know my mom talks to my sister ALL the time about doctors or lawyers who live in huge mansions and take their wives on expensive vacations all the time. I don't know if my friends who get paid 40K/year are indeed "unhappier" than my friends making 120K/year. perhaps they truly ARE miserable and wish that they could have sold out when they were younger instead of being "stupid" and pursuing their passions. I don't know any of these things and therefore I can't make an informed decision about my own life!

    My parents have a wealth of experience behind each of their decisions, and all I have is an uncontrollable Intuitive function that goes bat-shit crazy all the time. I don't think they are lying to me, but then what's actually going on?

  5. #15
    Allergic to Mornings ergophobe's Avatar
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    ^I'm sorry RC. It makes sense why you're so conflicted. Is it more about getting away from this single narrative that you are being presented with from people around you that conflicts with your idealism?

    This will sound cliched as most simple truths are
    It's a big world out there. There's room for all of us - those who love large incomes and those of us who don't. Wouldn't it be great if we could all make a lot of money, at least enough that would take away worrying about it by doing things we love? Some people do. Some of us do what we love and it's decent money to live on and that's okay too. You'll find what's right for you.

    You are, however, absolutely right to take time out to figure out what you want and what is right for you. Take everyone's advice but don't practise it all - evaluate the advice for yourself, pragmatically and don't lose your idealism. It's very valuable.

    People are attracted to people who are confident and live lives they enjoy. That may or may not have to do with money. One thing at a time. Think about what interests you in terms of work. The rest will work itself out as you live your wonderful life.

  6. #16
    Senior Member Abstract Thinker's Avatar
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    I don't think it has to be "all or nothing" in this case. Have you considered a compromise? Like getting a decent job in the city where you currently live (but something that you enjoy), saving up for a few months, and then getting an affordable apartment near your folks, but not in their house?

    That might satisfy your parents' desire to have you close by, and will give you some real world experience being on your own, but you'll still be close enough to the folks to go over to their place for dinner, or just drop by and have some nice face-to-face conversations. You will grow to love the time you spend with them even more if you have the option of leaving at the end of the night and going home, to your home. There is great value in having your own "place" and sustaining it over time. It allows you to define and discover yourself in ways you cannot understand yet.

    Cliche alert... "Small boats should stay close to shore." It's cliche, but it is valid. Small steps, you know? And I think it's true... small boats should stay close to shore, but not docked at the pier, to carry on the metaphor.

    A word about money: this might sound silly, but having money is more important than making money. What I mean by that is, you don't have to be "rich," but you do need to make more money than you spend each month, even if it's only a dollar more. I'm oversimplifying it, but it really does matter -- just don't go in the red each month. It is unsustainable, and it comes with its own special brand of anxiety.

    I have yet to see a correlation between salary and happiness. It's not the salary that matters so much as it is the bottom line. Just stay in the black, and that buys you the time and the peace of mind to pursue happiness at your own pace.

    Just think about the compromise. I agree with what others are saying -- you should definitely try to live on your own, but it's very important to have (and keep) a good adult relationship with your folks. You will understand that as you age -- I promise. Once they stop being responsible for all of your care and feeding, the relationship changes, usually for the better, and from both perspectives. And the compromise might help you make the move out of their house with their blessing (even if it is a cautious blessing), and that will make whatever happens next easier on all of you.

    Sorry for the long post, but I just wanted to be careful in what I said to you. These are big issues, and they matter.

    BTW, you sound very mature for your age. I wouldn't worry about that at all. You're asking the right questions, and in the right place.

    I think you're gonna be fine.

    ---

    Edit: I just re-read your post and I wanted to add this: Women do NOT marry for money. They marry for confidence. It is true that money is often a part of that, but it's not even close to being the whole thing. They can smell lack of confidence a mile away, and it is very unattractive to them.

    Ladies, please correct me if I'm wrong, but women are much more attracted to a man who lives on a tight budget, but who has the confidence and courage to sustain his own home, than they are to a man who has a big salary and a nice car, but who lives with his parents.

  7. #17
    Senior Member Abstract Thinker's Avatar
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    ^ ADDENDUM

    On the way home from work, it occurred to me that the advice I gave above about money was irresponsible, or at the very least... incomplete. So after giving it some more thought, here is my best and most sincere advice:

    Start small, and get your own place somehow (you'll love it. it's different than it was in college).

    STAY IN THE BLACK money-wise, stay out of debt, and have some fun each month, but within reason.

    At the end of each month, put whatever you have left over in some kind of savings (IRA, 401k, etc.), and LEAVE IT THERE as long as you can. Just forget it's even there. You'll be glad you did. And you'll know when to consult a professional who can help you make the best investments for your future.

    Then, as time passes, you will feel more and more like taking risks cuz you'll have some rainy day money, plus a lot of confidence in yourself. Then before you know it you will be "out on your own" and doing just fine.

    I think moderation is the key here.
    Last edited by Abstract Thinker; 06-16-2010 at 03:19 PM.

  8. #18
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    RC,

    For an ENFP, It isnt so much about sacrificing your ideals for huge amounts of money in my mind. It is more about having some stable source of income and safety net so that you can accomplish those dreams and ideals to the fullest potential.

    Maybe because I am a single mom of two kids, and had one while working my way through college, I always had to base my choices off of my responsibility to care for another. It sort of obligated me to push myself into a stable career.

    Maybe if you really want something where you can be idealistic but be independent perhaps you could try teach for america or the peace core or some job that allows you to give back and still explore.

  9. #19
    Senior Member angelhair45's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by alcea rosea View Post
    I did things the way other people expected me to do things. I lived my life the way other people expected me to live. I didn't follow my own path which means that I'll have to find my own path again now that I'm older.
    I did the same thing. I was a rebel, and fairly independent but still managed to conform to what others wanted from me and of me. I'm 30 and just starting to find my path and be who I am meant to be. I agree with everyone else. Get out now. Honestly, I'd rather be poor and living my life the way I wanted than be financially ahead but living at home with my parents and just being part of "their" life.

  10. #20
    Senior Member angelhair45's Avatar
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    I think it's ridiculous to think money is the key to everything. I've been married since I was 20. We make less money now than we ever have. It sucks, we've had to cut back, and live on a tighter budget than anyone I know, but I'm happier now than I've been in my adult life. Money doesn't have to run your life.

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