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  1. #1
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    Default Enhancing written communication

    I wanted to seek advice regarding an issue I note with myself and with other ENFPs.

    When we are logically approaching a topic we are using tert Te. It can be erratic. Verbally we can come across fairly smooth, authoritative, composed. At worst we can be a bit clipped-we have finished "thinking" before the other people so will tend to cut the other person off and move on. However we can very quickly observe the other persons discomfort and back peddle IRL-thus learning how not to do this by molding to the communicative needs of the person in front of us.

    In written communication however, when using Te, we can come across as exceptionally harsh and clipped. Part of this is the energy pull it requires to be focused. I note this in myself, in two VPs I work with and in another enfp in a manufacturing position.

    So my question-

    Do you have suggestions?

    Are there websites or books that may be of use to build a vocabulary of sorts to smooth written communications? Sort of an Fe toolkit we can learn to use in written communication to soften the tone?

    Any other ideas or thoughts would be awesome!

  2. #2
    Uniqueorn William K's Avatar
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    I think Dale Carnegie's "How to win friends and influence people" is still very relevant after more than 70 years.
    4w5, Fi>Ne>Ti>Si>Ni>Fe>Te>Se, sp > so > sx

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    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    This is interesting because I have actually noticed ENFP's on this board (at times) seeming, as you say, a bit harsh and clipped (compared to what I'm used to IRL from this type), and I didn't understand why until you made this post.

    The reason I found it strange is because I've always understood Fi as a function that has harsh things to say, but holds back because it doesn't want to hurt people or seem too harsh. I've also known ENFP's IRL who I know had very blunt thoughts about something, but I would see them holding back - and I attributed this to Fi.

    The best advice I can give is I've always got Fe in the background saying, "Don't say anything to anyone unless you wouldn't mind hearing the same thing yourself."
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

  4. #4
    Senior Member Rebe's Avatar
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    The reason I found it strange is because I've always understood Fi as a function that has harsh things to say, but holds back because it doesn't want to hurt people or seem too harsh. I've also known ENFP's IRL who I know had very blunt thoughts about something, but I would see them holding back - and I attributed this to Fi.
    I have always been able to communicate very bluntly in written communication. Verbally, I can never muster up enough anger because it's not all about me. Face-to-face, I sense too much weakness/vulnerability in the other person so I hold back. Also I don't like people to see me angry or losing control so I always put on a face of indifference and communicate verbally in a very detached and dismissive way. I dismiss instead of blow up. People should never ask me to write my response when I am mad. I go crazy harsh. Here, when I notice I sound too coarse, I add a . Ugh, but I hate to coddle people so sometimes I can be blunt IRL.

    Perhaps imagine the person in front of you as you are writing? Think about if it'd be really what you'd say verbally.

  5. #5
    Allergic to Mornings ergophobe's Avatar
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    For important communication or just where a second pair of eyes would be useful, putting it aside and reading it again before sending it helps. I also try to avoid writing things that matter and may have consequences when I'm tired - all that you've mentioned is worse at the time.

    At my end, I ask what the goal is for that piece of communication (in terms of what I want the receiver to do or feel) and whether the way I've thought of expressing myself or have expressed myself in writing is likely to achieve the goal. Using the efficiency drive in a way that works, I guess.

  6. #6
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTPness View Post
    This is interesting because I have actually noticed ENFP's on this board (at times) seeming, as you say, a bit harsh and clipped (compared to what I'm used to IRL from this type), and I didn't understand why until you made this post.

    The reason I found it strange is because I've always understood Fi as a function that has harsh things to say, but holds back because it doesn't want to hurt people or seem too harsh. I've also known ENFP's IRL who I know had very blunt thoughts about something, but I would see them holding back - and I attributed this to Fi.

    The best advice I can give is I've always got Fe in the background saying, "Don't say anything to anyone unless you wouldn't mind hearing the same thing yourself."
    Odd. My Fi is like a child. Fi is isnt at all harsh. I cant always give it words, but at most it might come across as slightly judgmental, and even then I feel guilty. My Fi mirrors what other people feel, thus it almost cant think cruel things about others-I can see how they would feel in turn to hear those cruel things.

    In the work situation, I think we are quelling Fi to use Te more directly. This requires a lot of energy and can feel a little stressful. Thus we dip in and out of Te quickly to access the logical aspects of the function. As we do this though, it takes much more energy to spend even more time to soften the message via a focused rewording and feels very frustrating-given the list of other things that need to be done.

    When we use Te productively we seem to be much more like really immature ESTJs than anything else.

    Here you see lots of Te being used defensively to protect Fi. The harsh grating rebuttals and attacks are a result of Fi being hurt and thus Te being used poorly to lash out at another. I think Te is used to structure the response to the pain.

    Very often though, while I may seem harsh externally, inside I will feel a deep sense of caring. Fi on the inside and Te on the outside.

  7. #7
    Professional Trickster Esoteric Wench's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orobas View Post
    Here you see lots of Te being used defensively to protect Fi. The harsh grating rebuttals and attacks are a result of Fi being hurt and thus Te being used poorly to lash out at another. I think Te is used to structure the response to the pain.

    Very often though, while I may seem harsh externally, inside I will feel a deep sense of caring. Fi on the inside and Te on the outside.
    Wow! This was really, really, really well said. And I think this does go on with me... but I've never thought about it before.

    I think I come across as harsh sometimes in the posts I put on this forum. Not just the ones where I'm protecting my hurt Fi. I'm just trying to be logical and consice in my communications. After working in Marketing Communications for many, many years, I've found this works very well for me.

    Nonetheless, I think some other people don't get it. Hmmm. More pondering...

  8. #8
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orobas View Post
    In written communication however, when using Te, we can come across as exceptionally harsh and clipped. Part of this is the energy pull it requires to be focused.

    So my question-

    Do you have suggestions?
    Write out your central ideas as they come to your mind. For example in an e-mail, write the body of ideas you want to communicate first. "Te" them to your heart's content.

    Then, frame these ideas top and bottom with the tone. "Fe" your e-mail, if you want to call it that. Make the Fe - Te - Fe sandwich.

    Example:

    I want you to implement Plan X. This is why it makes sense! (Te planning).

    Fe - it top and bottom:

    Dear Person,

    It is my pleasure to consult with you on Plan X. Please find below (or attached) my plan to accomplish the goals laid out in our strategic planning session.

    Te - blah blah blah

    Thanks for your time to consider this proposal. If you have any questions or comments, I am excited to answer these and help advance our goals and accomplish Plan X.

    I can be reached at your convenience blah blah blah and await your response.

    Sincerely,
    Me

    Fe - intro
    Te - ideas and plan
    Fe - conclusion

    All you have to do is just pause and think for a second before you send those e-mails. To see Fe in action, emulate those e-mails you feel already have great polish to them in your environment.

    Good luck Orobas! (my puppy ...)

    Quote Originally Posted by Orobas View Post
    Odd. My Fi is like a child.
    Ahhhhhhhh NO!

    Remember though, if you always treat it like a child it will never mature.

    Quote Originally Posted by Orobas View Post
    In the work situation, I think we are quelling Fi to use Te more directly. This requires a lot of energy and can feel a little stressful.
    I see this ... it can be fatiguing. That's why you need to partner them rather than suppress the Fi. Channel them together to help fuel your energy. I know, I have historically been a champion Fi squisher too. But I am getting better and better at letting my Fi partner equally ... letting it be "grown up". It helps me make better decisions. It doesn't feel like I am ignoring myself.

    Quote Originally Posted by Orobas View Post
    Thus we dip in and out of Te quickly to access the logical aspects of the function. As we do this though, it takes much more energy to spend even more time to soften the message via a focused rewording and feels very frustrating-given the list of other things that need to be done.
    No, it needs a deep inhalation and then you can find the vocabulary to polish Te without feeling the need to gratingly switch gears. Give yourself space to do it with words ... to slow down your verbal communications. Saying things such as "That's an interesting concept ... I can see there could be benefits blah blah blah ..." This will help you both smooth the moment and pay better attention to the Fi messages you are receiving.

    Hope that helps; I realize I could be a lot more specific because this only scratches the surface.
    "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "When people see some things as beautiful,
    other things become ugly.
    When people see some things as good,
    other things become bad."
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  9. #9
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orobas View Post
    Odd. My Fi is like a child. Fi is isnt at all harsh. I cant always give it words, but at most it might come across as slightly judgmental, and even then I feel guilty. My Fi mirrors what other people feel, thus it almost cant think cruel things about others-I can see how they would feel in turn to hear those cruel things.
    OK, maybe Fi isn't "harsh" - I know what you mean about Fi being "childish" - that's more how I've seen it in others. But, I've read posts from INFP's and ENFP's about them "going off on someone" in an Fi sense - much like Rebe described earlier in this thread. If it's anything like Ti, it happens when our backs are against the wall, when we are backed into a corner (figuratively) - when someone forces our hand, so to speak. Or when an efficient decision has to be made "right now" - then Ti will sort of extrovert itself out of necessity.

    But, you know, as an INTP myself, I've seen both INFP's and ENFP's when they are being "blunt" - and they seem to think that they were super blunt and that the other person will be like . But, from the INTP perspective, INFP/ENFP bluntness is never as bad as you guys think it is. I've had them say to me, "I'm going to say something really honestly, please don't be hurt, OK?" And I put my seat belt on and get ready and it ends up being something really normal. Like, an ENFP told me once, "You only call me when it's convenient for you. That's selfish." Then later, when I'm quiet and not talking much, "did I hurt your feelings when I said that earlier?"

    That's not even that harsh and it's one of the more harsh things I've ever heard an INFP/ENFP say. Usually they soften it in a big way or phrase it in a way where it's more of a suggestion than a statement. "I was thinking about what it might be like if we saw less of each other for a while" = "We should slow things down for a while". They always say it in the softest possible way.

    To most T's, it's OK to just go ahead and say it. 90% of the time, it won't hurt our feelings at all. It will only make communication better - more clear, more efficient, more understandable.
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

  10. #10
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    ah, I see what you mean. There are a couple of harsh scenarios I see in myself and other enfps.

    A) Yeah, I will try to be pretty straightforward about things if the actions of another are hurting me or others-but I tend to do it in the apologetic way you mention above. (Part of the reason the INTJ combo works is that they can take this direct feedback well)

    B) The next step is when I am annoyed or irritated-then I can be a bit short, but I try really, really hard not to show this to people. Typically I know it isnt that person-but just cummulative stress-they just happen to be asking for things. My teenage son likely gets the worst of this. (He is an ENFP. We are like two irritable zombies who live in the same home. Both utterly oblivious and Ne spastic.) This is when I can be harsh in emails.

    C) however if you really hurt us or back us against the wall and do not desist-you will start to see a true offensive response. It kinda goes like this:

    1) We state our requests directly
    2) We get more emo and babble, stating more requests, but losing emo detachment
    3) We can emo spew at this point-a massive pain dump
    4) We then start to become more externally aggressive. you are not listening.
    5) We then violently lash out to push you away. We can be horrifically cruel and say very mean things.
    6) After some time we feel horrible as we understand we overreacted

    At the ENFP forum they have a couple of threads devoted to enfp anger that discuss this issue in more depth.

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