• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[MBTI General] Providing support and afterwards

KLessard

Aspiring Troens Ridder
Joined
Apr 25, 2008
Messages
595
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
1w2
When I look back at my life, I realize I've had many occasions to provide support and counselling to plenty of suffering people, and sometimes getting sort of close to them because the things discussed were pretty intimate. I was even called "best friend" by a couple of them after some very deep conversations.

But once the people got better, they moved on with their lives and sort of forgot me. Have you NFs experienced this as well? I remember one ENFJ referring to this in a post.
How does it make you feel? Why does this happen? I can think of many explanations, but would like to hear your opinion first.
 

CuriousFeeling

From the Undertow
Joined
Dec 18, 2009
Messages
2,937
MBTI Type
INfJ
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I can come up with an experience that is similar to what you've gone through, but not specific to it. I have lost touch with people I was close with in high school. Everyone's pretty much moved on with their lives. Despite the fact that I still kind of keep in touch with them via Facebook, it isn't like I feel like I'm a part of their inner circle. They spilled quite a bit to me though.

This kind of thing makes me feel lonely.

Hard to say a definite reason why these things happen. I suppose for some people the novelty wears off. Others, they get absorbed in their own lives that they've forgotten the person that brought them to the place they got to, that they need a wakeup call.

One thing that could help is to get in touch with these people to rekindle the friendship.
 

spin-1/2-nuclei

New member
Joined
May 2, 2010
Messages
381
MBTI Type
INTJ
How does it make you feel? Why does this happen? I can think of many explanations, but would like to hear your opinion first.

Well I'm not an NF but this has happened to me often. It really doesn't bother me because typically I'm just trying to help the person out... Occasionally when you reach out to some people they have nobody else that can be there for them at the time and I think they might get caught up in the emotion of actually having someone there for them - especially if it isn't something they are accustomed to. Then as time goes on and they find the strength to get back on track with their lives I think they start to grow away from you if perhaps the two of you didn't have anything in common other than the problems you were trying to help the person sort through in their lives.

For the most part I expect this when I reach out to certain people.... I'm not the most social person... but the best example I can give is typically when we get incoming graduate students at my university there is always someone in the class that is really motivated to get a PhD but really isn't prepared for the work and the stress of graduate school... I tend to reach out to these people when they are struggling and help tutor them through their classes and get them comfortable in the lab... The first year they tend to spend a lot of time around me because they'll want to tag along with me when I run experiments or use new equipment etc... once they get comfortable with themselves they typically go their separate ways... not because they don't like me or I don't like them, but because there really wasn't any common ground between us accept they needed help with stuff and I was willing to help them when nobody else could be bothered...

this is just my two cents.. hopefully it's helpful. :)
 

Immaculate Cloud

New member
Joined
Jan 15, 2009
Messages
143
MBTI Type
INFJ
When I look back at my life, I realize I've had many occasions to provide support and counselling to plenty of suffering people, and sometimes getting sort of close to them because the things discussed were pretty intimate. I was even called "best friend" by a couple of them after some very deep conversations.

But once the people got better, they moved on with their lives and sort of forgot me. Have you NFs experienced this as well? I remember one ENFJ referring to this in a post.
How does it make you feel? Why does this happen? I can think of many explanations, but would like to hear your opinion first.

If they have moved on surely that is something to celebrate! :newwink: What is 'forgetting' in your book? :huh: How many thank yous or keeping in touch is necessary? Do you need to feel validated this way? Out of the many, perhaps only a few will stay close and not 'forget' you but that would be because the 'things discussed' were not, thankfully the ONLY things that you had in common. Also, sometimes, people spill their guts in some intense moment and then later regret all that they have said because it made them feel vulnerable. That's a reaction I have seen from people telling me much and then retreating later on, in embarrassment. (Shrug). Hey, it's like the fences or defenses were down and now there is a hasty scramble to pull them up again. (Shrug).
 

Immaculate Cloud

New member
Joined
Jan 15, 2009
Messages
143
MBTI Type
INFJ
@KLessard,

I remember your mentioning your faith. So, here's another take on your OP:

Providing counselling/advice/being there for the suffering, the weak, the down-trodden,etc, is already PART and PARCEL of your role as a Christian! If the ones you've helped also shared the same faith as you, and then 'forgot' you, I can understand that you might feel a bit hurt, a bit used... But is that not also 'expected' of you? To be able to 'give sacrificially' and not ask for any reward in the here and now? If the ones you've helped do not share your faith/beliefs, the same attitude still holds, don't you think?

Now, if you're feeling burned out, by all means, switch gears a bit and let yourself be on the receiving end for a change! The disciples are to 'wash **each other's** feet'. Perhaps you're trying to do it all?!
 

KLessard

Aspiring Troens Ridder
Joined
Apr 25, 2008
Messages
595
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
1w2
@KLessard,

I remember your mentioning your faith. So, here's another take on your OP:

Providing counselling/advice/being there for the suffering, the weak, the down-trodden,etc, is already PART and PARCEL of your role as a Christian! If the ones you've helped also shared the same faith as you, and then 'forgot' you, I can understand that you might feel a bit hurt, a bit used... But is that not also 'expected' of you? To be able to 'give sacrificially' and not ask for any reward in the here and now? If the ones you've helped do not share your faith/beliefs, the same attitude still holds, don't you think?

Now, if you're feeling burned out, by all means, switch gears a bit and let yourself be on the receiving end for a change! The disciples are to 'wash **each other's** feet'. Perhaps you're trying to do it all?!

I agree with all this. And I had thought about the fact that after people feel better, they might feel a bit embarrassed about having told so much. One person I helped last Christmas said in one of his last messages: "Let me know if you are put off.." I wasn't, but he probably felt weird all of a sudden.
I totally agree with the giving without receiving thing. But going as far as calling someone your best friend and forgetting a while after? That's inconsistent, like...
I guess I think about this in the moments I feel lonely.
 

Amargith

Hotel California
Joined
Nov 5, 2008
Messages
14,717
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4dw
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I've gotten used to that. In fact, as much as they are intimate bonds, I know them in advance to be friendships that have an expiration date. And once they are able to move on without coming back to me, I'm proud of them, proud that they were able to get out of the jumble they were struggling with. I from my side, try to give them the tools they need and I happen to have to my disposal. Seeing them succeed makes the immature part of me gloat...and savor the bittersweet goodbye :)

I will confess to sometimes feeling a tad lonely or used afterwards. I get over it quickly as I know that's just my own fears playing with me. And sometimes..sometimes, when I meet someone very special, I wish I could keep them. Wish I could keep that connection forever. And I hope that they are someone I get to keep, hope I get to hold on to, as the relationship with them morphs into a bond where I don't have to reign myself in anymore. I always do learn from these sort of relationships, and they enrich my pov, which is also a part of why I enjoy doing it. But with those rare few individuals, it's more than that. I get to be me...completely. It's a two way road. Few people are up for that though. And unfortunately, most of those relationships still come to an end at some point. I know it's mushy and cliche...but I'd kill to have a female bff. Still haven't found someone that I can build that kinda bond with though..
 

Bassai

New member
Joined
Aug 3, 2009
Messages
7
MBTI Type
INFJ
I think its due to some reason:
- The definition (faith,value,utility...) of "bestfriend" is not the same as your.
- Our IJ make us not funy as EP, so yes we are good to give advice but we are pretty boring (hope its wrong :( )
- I think its more harder to stay intimate to a friend than a comitent.
 

kiddykat

movin melodies
Joined
Jul 27, 2008
Messages
1,111
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4, 7
Have I experienced this? Yes- at the same time, I'm glad we drift apart. I'm happy to be able to support them in their time of confusion, depression or whatever, but I am actually proud they're off venturing their own path in life, as well as I'm doing the same.

I'm also happy that their emotional baggage is no longer there, because sometimes, it can seriously hamper on my emotions.
 

Immaculate Cloud

New member
Joined
Jan 15, 2009
Messages
143
MBTI Type
INFJ
I think its due to some reason:
- The definition (faith,value,utility...) of "bestfriend" is not the same as your.
- Our IJ make us not funy as EP, so yes we are good to give advice but we are pretty boring (hope its wrong :( )
- I think its more harder to stay intimate to a friend than a comitent.

Right on!!! :cheers:

Number 1: Yea, that is something to be kept in mind here - the scale of values.

Number 2: :D (us being boring)... Yep I can confirm. Hardly any surprise here. Other INFJ I know got that kind of reaction in parties. Ppbly same with me too. We're like a great product but the window display really sucks. :newwink:
 

21%

You have a choice!
Joined
May 15, 2009
Messages
3,224
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4w5
^^

I agree with Immaculate Cloud. If you're not into intensity or quiet, quirky stuff, I admit INFJs can be pretty boring :D


To the OP: Yes, I've been in that situation. However, most of the time, it's me who sort of drifted away once the problem was over. Once I'm done 'fixing' something, it's hard to keep in touch with the person afterward, because usually we didn't exactly establish a deep, meaningful connection during the time. It's not that I don't care about them. I do. But fixing problems is more 'task-based', if you will, and I don't think there's that much of an opportunity to really bond. I would feel selfish if I talked about myself or other unrelated things (other than the problem) when the person clearly needs help with something more serious.
 
Top