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  1. #1
    Senior Member Malkavia's Avatar
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    Default How many "friends" versus close friends?

    Hey guys,

    I read an interesting post in another forum. It was posted by an INTJ saying he had a really deep moment with his brother. His brother is ENFP, very popular, and very likable. It was his birthday and he came home to find his ENFP brother alone. He asked him why he was alone and he responded, "nobody called. I have hundreds of friends on facebook, got hundreds of "happy birthday" comments, yet no one called. If people like me so much why didnt just one person call to take me out?"

    Ouch. I feel like I used to be in this position. TONS of surface level friendships. I would see them and we would hang out or maybe go out to dinner together. The number was too large to keep up with. But I did not have ONE deep or close friendship. It hurt. A lot. It was not until this past year that I have gained one person at that level and it took a lot of work.

    Do you think this is something ENFPs fall victim to? If it is, how do you think we as ENFPs can change this?

  2. #2
    likes this gromit's Avatar
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    I have about 4-6 close friends, and of course my family members.

    I feel really lost without close friends. I have lots of people with whom I am "friends," but like you say they're not going to take me out on my birthday or something like that.
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  3. #3
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    I have a thread like this somewhere.
    I would say I have about 10 close friends. Lots of other friends and acquaintances that I don't bother to keep up with, and just let them come and go from my life as they please.
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  4. #4
    Senior Member The Outsider's Avatar
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    I have 3 friends, and that's it. I don't really have any surface level friends.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Rebe's Avatar
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    I have 4 best-ish friends, no surface friends. I have this utter inability to have surface friends.

  6. #6
    Senior Member the state i am in's Avatar
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    i had only one close friend most of my life, but now i have four very close friends and an s.o. it changes your whole attitude towards life. it's done wonders for me and made me capable of expanding my relationships. i know many other people who, if i had more time, would be close friends without any doubt at all.

    i always wonder this about enfps. i also wonder if so/sx types fall prey to it more than sx/so types. one of my friends is an enfp so/sx 7w6 female and i tend to think she lacks really powerful connection with others. meaning, she doesn't get a chance to explore what she cares about, what really drives her, what worries her, what makes her most happy, etc, with other people very well. she kinda feels like she always has to be on. i feel like i have to be wary bc i'm already in a relationship, but i wish i could find a way to help her bc she does seem kinda flailing but is an awesome person who deserves more meaningful relationships. the fear of feeling lonely-- feeling trapped and having to face her own problems really seems to terrify her and forces her to react wildly.

  7. #7
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    As a teenager I only had one close friend.

    Right now I'd say I have 5 or 6 close friends, that have been built up & maintained over the span of about 12 years. I don't really count all of the random people (such as on facebook) as actual friends; more like acquaintances or activity buddies, I guess (well, if I still lived in the same state as them), and I don't maintain things with them. And...vice versa.
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  8. #8
    Senior Member Eckhart's Avatar
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    I don't really have any "surface friendship" anymore. Ok, maybe one. Then I have one friend who I could call close but while we still hear from each other from time to time, we don't really make much stuff together anymore, even though we planned to. Though the last time wasn't that long ago. He doesn't ask me to do something on birhtday because he knows I don't do stuff on birthday with friends usually, so I don't blame him; he doesn't celebrate his birthday with friends either. One time he actually visited me on birthday for short time although I had nothing planned.

    I had more surface friendships in the past, but they are gone it seems. I could be happy when I got even one birthday comment on some social network site in the past, now I removed my account there anyway.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Malkavia's Avatar
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    Thanks for the responses. Ive noticed a lot of these are from introverts though. I would love to see what extroverts think.

  10. #10
    Professional Trickster Esoteric Wench's Avatar
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    Well, first of all, I think it's important to recognize that friend is an umbrella term. It can mean many levels of intimacy depending upon who is using the word, and the context. For example, I use friend pretty loosely. In general, I'm referring to people I'm on good friendly terms with. People I like. People I've done a bit more than small talking... However, I have an INFJ friend who regularly reminds me that she uses the word friend very specifically to mean someone she has allowed in her inner circle. Everyone else is an acquaintance. So there's that.

    However you define the word friend, ENFPs friendships are a little more complicated than one might think after a cursory observation on an ENFP in full extravert mode. For example, I've come to realize that the people I call friend fall into two categories:

    Friends Who Feel an Emotional Connection with Me - I've joked that if you were to give me a room full of people and 20 minutes, I would make a new best friend. This person might feel a special connection with me. But what's important here, is that I would not necessarily feel a reciprocal connection with them. There is no ill will on my part. And, I genuinely like them. It's just that I am able to make profound emotional connections with people without conscious effort. It's what ENFP's do. This non-conscious process on my part, does NOT include me opening myself up to the other person. Our connection is based on positive emotions, but not my feelings.

    Friends with Whom I Feel an Emotional Connection - I'm very selective about the friends I allow into my inner circle. These are the friends with whom I share my feelings in addition to positive emotions. And maybe this is the heart of the matter when it comes to ENFP making quick, emotional connections with people. Perhaps people confuse my fluency with 'emotion' (aka, my ability to make them feel comfortable after a very short period of time) with me expressing my personal feelings. Only after I judge that you share my special values will I open up to you.

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