06-08-2010, 01:08 PM #51
06-08-2010, 02:02 PM #52
Anyways, some additional thought...if you want more of these deep bonding experiences I'd also suggest thinking about how much you can give to more people. Reciprocity and all.
I can't tell you how many you need, but having one is something to be so grateful for. Two or three even better. Having ten solid true friends that you can count on is wonderful, but IME out of those hypothetical ten, they're still going to sift and sort to a core that are closest to your center. You'll feel little twinges of "well these people get it a bit more than those," "I feel like I can open up more with blah blah blah."
I had a situation in 2009 that really broke down the dynamics of these relationships to me. When you're quickly approaching critical mass and you know that if even a feather is dropped onto the burden you're carrying you will surely be crushed, you look around you to figure who can help you carry the weight. It's comforting and consoling to know that more than one person can handle it, because I know I've felt bad for leaning so heavily on the four I have but it sure is reassuring to know I have them. But for me, I'm satisfied with what I have. I've got quality, quantity means nothing and would actually become more difficult for me to handle.
If you can handle more then go for it, just be mindful of how many connections you can realistically nourish and grow. How many people can you give 100% to? At a certain point, a deep friendship that could have been fruitful were it given more attention will end up being that person you're really fond that you keep around because you feel the possibility of it, but never really emerges.Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
Social Penetration Theory 1
Social Penetration Theory 2
Social Penetration Theory 3
06-08-2010, 02:25 PM #53
lol sorry, ok its not Fi.
Good points though. Thanks. This forum usually gets my thoughts before they are critically thought about or filtered. Which may be why sometimes they can be wrong.
06-08-2010, 02:38 PM #54
I think it's easy for anyone to mistake surface friendships for something deeper. That or to expect that enough surface friendships will grant them some security when they desire it. The problem with the person you mentioned is that he expected people to come to him, when people may have assumed he was already busy.
The ENFP problem may be not recognizing this or that they tend to be a very social type, but laxed about it. Deeper friendships can transpire all on their own, or they need to be prodded and maintained - molded even. I don't know much about ENFPs, but they strike me as the sort who care, yet would rather just let things fall into place.
Personally, i've had problems with thinking friendships are deeper than they were. It needs maintenance and testing. It's something that can't simply be assumed and there is always something that will come around to separate the depth from the surface.
Aim for people who won't just come and go and who will pry a bit more into who you are. Also, make sure to do a bit of the same. Surface friendships can be built into deeper friendships and i swear people forget that. Not to say there aren't ones that are forever destined to be not-so-significant.
As for the title- I don't like, nor really do, surface friendships.I have two close friends near me and around ten spanning across the world. It's not surprising and explains a lot about me and my views, but that's a whole other story .Hang on traveling woman - Don't sacrifice your plan
Cause it will come back to you - Before you lose it on the man
.:: DWTWD ::.
There is this thing keeping everyone's lungs and lips locked - It is called fear and it's seeing a great renaissance
06-08-2010, 06:00 PM #55
I thought about this thread today, when I was jotting down names on an application for personal references. Thank goodness for my big bucket of surface friends!06/13 10:51:03 five sounds: you!!!
06/13 10:51:08 shortnsweet: no you!!
06/13 10:51:12 shortnsweet: go do your things and my things too!
06/13 10:51:23 five sounds: oh hell naw
06/13 10:51:55 shortnsweet: !!!!
06/13 10:51:57 shortnsweet: (cries)
06/13 10:52:19 RiftsWRX: You two are like furbies stuck in a shoe box
06-08-2010, 07:01 PM #56
To the OP. I don't have a best friend. I have about 5 close friends. Each I trust in different areas and with different aspects of who I am but I enjoy them all the same. I have quite a bit of acquaintances though.~Live and learn from fools and from sages~
Shameless Self-Promotion:MDP2525's Den and the Start of Motorcycle Maintenance
06-08-2010, 07:39 PM #57
"Develop interest in life as you see it...the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself." -- H. Miller
- Join Date
- Mar 2008
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Johari the good..
Nohari.. the bad, and the ugly
I'm a FiNe SiTe to see!
06-08-2010, 07:51 PM #58
I relate to this a lot. However, I would say that I have a continuous flow of deep friendships. Every birthday, people call and make me cakes, buy me gifts etc, but every year, the people seem to be different. I can't really think of anyone besides my parents who have been a solid part in my life for more than 3 years, let alone 5.
I have also had conversations with people about massive assemblies of acquaintances vs "wolf-packs". Again, I would not say I have either. I have a scattering of close friends from different venues of my life that constantly fade in and fade out.
As for how to change the "ENFP curse" above, well, I would think not spreading yourself too thin would help. Quality time with a select few individuals over short bursts with large groups.01010101011011100110100101110100011110010010000001 10001101100001011011100010000001101111011011100110 11000111100100100000011000100110010100100000011011 01011000010110111001101001011001100110010101110011 01110100011001010110010000100000011000100111100100 10000001110100011010000110010100100000010000100110 10010110111001100001011100100111100100101110
06-08-2010, 09:12 PM #59
One aspect that I know I should make an effort with is keeping contact with those people I do consider good friends, as they are somewhat rare. Thing is as life changes, we change, and often that results in moving on to different social circles and having less and less in common, so it usually gets to a point where I question if they consider me a friend anymore and drop off.
06-08-2010, 10:13 PM #60
at some point in my life in the past year i just sort of lifted the burden of close friendships.
analogy- imagine a herd of 15 or so sheep. the herd of sheep live in a beautiful vast yet fenced in meadow named 'acquaintanceship' and in the middle of the meadow there is a very small shed named 'friendship'. I being the extremely indifferent shepherd kept all 15 sheep in the shed. up until some point in the past year. the shed got cramped and crowded so i let all the sheep go but one or two who wanted to stay in. the rest i kicked out or they just left and now wander the meadow of 'acquaintanceship' and sometimes come back to the friendship shed. some wander off and never find their way back. whatever happens ill know theres always a few out there.
i just dont need many friends. you can quote me on this on a day when im feeling lonely.
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