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  1. #41

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    I've got maybe two friends who I think I could rely upon, I've got other friends who I think I'm close to but I wouldnt rely on or expect to behave reliably or dependably in any sort of serious manner. Lots of acquaintences and a few facebook friends.

    I once heard someone coin the phrase "facebook friend" meaning an acquaintence in the modern sense, this could be someone who you met on the internet as much as someone you've actually had anything to do with in person but the important thing is that the expectations are different.

    They suggested, for instance, that if a tree fell on your house it wouldnt be the facebook friends that you could call on, not because they arent good friends or because their friendship was superficial, only that it wasnt that sort of friendship. So I wouldnt say it was less real or demean it but it is different, tangibly so.

    I can pick up friends easily, although I find its not feasible to service more than maybe four or five good friendships and there's no guarantee that it'll be reciprocated, not because of ill will but because not a lot of people will be able to prioritise it, they'll have family or dilemmas of their own.

  2. #42
    Professional Trickster Esoteric Wench's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by disregard View Post
    EW, I can't stomach unsolicited advice. I don't dislike you, I just bristle when I hear it. Especially when age is mentioned. You don't know what I've been through and I wouldn't presume to know what you've been through, so mind your own business.
    Perhaps this is my Te kicking in, but gently say that I really don't care if you like me or not. I'm not seeking your approval. I'm seeking the truth of the matter at hand.

    You say you bristled because I told you what I thought you meant. You say that I was wrong and this is NOT what you really meant. OK. But I think that might be a little bit of the pot calling the kettle black. Let me refer to exhibit A:

    Quote Originally Posted by disregard View Post
    See, what you really mean EW, is that you would be screwed if your closest friend got hit by a bus, because you aren't as independent as I am. Not an insult, that's just how you are.
    Well, that is NOT how I am. Nor is that what I meant. I bristled when you presumed to tell me that I wasn't as independent as you are. First of all, I doubt that's true. I'm one of the most independent and self-sufficient people in my acquaintance, which per your own admission has a much larger scope than yours. My read on it is that you are confusing wanting to be around people as being the same thing as NEEDING to be around people. These are not the same at all.

    So I kindly suggest that you, not I, were the first person in this exchange to give unsolicited advice. More specifically, you corrected me and told me that I was wrong and then you proceeded how to tell me I was wrong.

    Quote Originally Posted by disregard View Post
    I mean, what prompted you to tell me how to live my life? Was I lamenting my lack of inner-circle friends? No, I was not. My personal life is just the way I want it, yet here you are telling me I'm doing things wrong and will inevitably regret it.
    What prompted me to share with you the benefit of my experience was your first statement (quoted above at the top of this post) when you presumed to tell me what I really meant. :steam:

    I do believe you have an inexperienced view on the matter. But so what? If you know who you are and are confident in what you believe in, then tell me to go to hell. I don't mind. But, it won't change my opinion unless you can argue the merits of your case.

    As far as me not knowing what you've been through, I respectfully argue that I don't have to know what you've been through. That's the great thing about life experience. I don't need to hypothesize. I've lived through it. My life experience has taught me (after a lot of pain and suffering) that what I said was universally true REGARDLESS of what you've been through.

    Could I be wrong? ABSOLUTELY. And, I'm more than willing and ready to admit it. I display my flagrant idiocy everyday. But argue the merits of the case... not that you bristle at me making it. If you are right, I will genuflect appropriately.

    Hope you have a great evening, disregard. I've enjoyed this interchange immensely!

    - Esoteric Wench

    (Maybe I'm becoming more ENTP with age.)

  3. #43
    Uniqueorn William K's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rebe View Post
    On the other side of the coin, is it important for us INFXs to have more surface level friends or just more friends instead of bestest best friends?
    I'd say definitely to have deep friendships. Maybe not more in number, but more in how much I trust them and how much I can emo dump on them :nod:

    I have 80 people on my FB friends' list, 3 that I'd call good friends.
    4w5, Fi>Ne>Ti>Si>Ni>Fe>Te>Se, sp > so > sx

    appreciates being appreciated, conflicted over conflicts, afraid of being afraid, bad at being bad, predictably unpredictable, consistently inconsistent, remarkably unremarkable...

    I may not agree with what you are feeling, but I will defend to death your right to have a good cry over it

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  4. #44
    Senior Member WoodsWoman's Avatar
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    I had a best friend - I married him. Now he's dead. No, I do not have what I think of as a 'best friend', or even close friends. - I am developing more friends and some of them are closer than others. But is there anyone I'd call at 1 AM and I'm having a rough time? No.

  5. #45
    likes this gromit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by WoodsWoman View Post
    I had a best friend - I married him. Now he's dead. No, I do not have what I think of as a 'best friend', or even close friends. - I am developing more friends and some of them are closer than others. But is there anyone I'd call at 1 AM and I'm having a rough time? No.
    Oh this breaks my heart, WoodsWoman.
    Your kisses, sweeter than honey. But guess what, so is my money.

  6. #46
    Senior Member Malkavia's Avatar
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    I will not have arguments in my thread! :steam:

  7. #47
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    Quote Originally Posted by Esoteric Wench View Post
    Perhaps this is my Te kicking in, but gently say that I really don't care if you like me or not. I'm not seeking your approval. I'm seeking the truth of the matter at hand.

    You say you bristled because I told you what I thought you meant. You say that I was wrong and this is NOT what you really meant. OK. But I think that might be a little bit of the pot calling the kettle black. Let me refer to exhibit A:



    Well, that is NOT how I am. Nor is that what I meant. I bristled when you presumed to tell me that I wasn't as independent as you are. First of all, I doubt that's true. I'm one of the most independent and self-sufficient people in my acquaintance, which per your own admission has a much larger scope than yours. My read on it is that you are confusing wanting to be around people as being the same thing as NEEDING to be around people. These are not the same at all.

    So I kindly suggest that you, not I, were the first person in this exchange to give unsolicited advice. More specifically, you corrected me and told me that I was wrong and then you proceeded how to tell me I was wrong.



    What prompted me to share with you the benefit of my experience was your first statement (quoted above at the top of this post) when you presumed to tell me what I really meant. :steam:

    I do believe you have an inexperienced view on the matter. But so what? If you know who you are and are confident in what you believe in, then tell me to go to hell. I don't mind. But, it won't change my opinion unless you can argue the merits of your case.

    As far as me not knowing what you've been through, I respectfully argue that I don't have to know what you've been through. That's the great thing about life experience. I don't need to hypothesize. I've lived through it. My life experience has taught me (after a lot of pain and suffering) that what I said was universally true REGARDLESS of what you've been through.

    Could I be wrong? ABSOLUTELY. And, I'm more than willing and ready to admit it. I display my flagrant idiocy everyday. But argue the merits of the case... not that you bristle at me making it. If you are right, I will genuflect appropriately.

    Hope you have a great evening, disregard. I've enjoyed this interchange immensely!

    - Esoteric Wench

    (Maybe I'm becoming more ENTP with age.)
    Look, I'm so over whatever you have to say.

  8. #48
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    I dunno, getting deeply involved with too many people inevitably involves way too much people-drama

    blah, blah, blah, someone in some relationship did a thing and now some other person is mad at them, someone's in jail, this person's having a baby, blah, blah, blah

    That and, well, a lot of people just aren't reliable or trustworthy enough for me to bother.

    Most people, for me, are "out of sight, out of mind". I have a lot of acquaintances who all come from different "groups" of people centered around some particular mutual interest. When those groups die, so does most of my connection with them. They're on my Facebook, I'll see them when I see them, and maybe we'll reconnect in some capacity in the future.

    I've got 3-4 close friendships, those who I trust and care about enough to talk to about almost anything. I would probably only ask favors of one or two of them, though--I'm not one who likes to have things done for me. At all.

    In practice, my most intimate connection is reserved for whatever romantic relationship I'm in at the time.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lark View Post
    I can pick up friends easily, although I find its not feasible to service more than maybe four or five good friendships and there's no guarantee that it'll be reciprocated, not because of ill will but because not a lot of people will be able to prioritise it, they'll have family or dilemmas of their own.
    this here

    Everyone just has their own stuff to deal with, and that 'problem' gets 'worse' as we get older.

  9. #49
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    5 (infp, istp, 2 intps, intj) total friends I would be glad to spend time with,
    2 of which (intp + intj) are much closer than the others,
    and 1 that I confer in the most (intj).

    thinking of you

  10. #50
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mister Eyebrows View Post
    I dunno, getting deeply involved with too many people inevitably involves way too much people-drama

    blah, blah, blah, someone in some relationship did a thing and now some other person is mad at them, someone's in jail, this person's having a baby, blah, blah, blah

    That and, well, a lot of people just aren't reliable or trustworthy enough for me to bother.

    Most people, for me, are "out of sight, out of mind". I have a lot of acquaintances who all come from different "groups" of people centered around some particular mutual interest. When those groups die, so does most of my connection with them. They're on my Facebook, I'll see them when I see them, and maybe we'll reconnect in some capacity in the future.
    I'm going to agree with this.

    I remember reading this a while back Is Your Circle of Friends Shrinking? - CBS News

    Sociologists call this circle your "discussion network" — people you reach out to for help, advice, or just as a sounding board. In the new research, they say the network is important because it shapes "the kinds of people we become."
    For most people, it is getting smaller. But is this a decrease in quality or quantity? How many people do you need to pour out your soul to? An heir and a spare, I suppose. I think that if you find yourself needing more and more soulish connects then I would encourage actually cutting back and figuring and what's going on with you internally. What are you looking for and why do you need it? What is unsatisfactory about the deep bonded relationships that you have formed, with the realization that if you're operating at 70%, that's pretty damn good.

    I could see if you had absolutely no one, because there are a so many lonely people that have not one person they can bond with. But there must also be the realization that just because a person doesn't have "real" friends and seek that kind of intimacy is it a problem with other people. It may be something the intimacy-seeker is doing to turn people off, possibly sending red flags to others that you may not be the type of person to get deeply entangled with.

    It's not a simple matter of people becoming more superficial, perhaps they are becoming more discriminating about who they bond with.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
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