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  1. #81
    Senior Member thescientist's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post
    i think when relationships end without potential being realized or possibilities explored it's just harder to let go...you felt so intensely but never got to experience it fully...just leaves you with all these unresolved emotions. i think the best thing you can do is to see what good came from it. what you learned about yourself and what's important to you and try your best to accept that learning that was reason enough...i know it's hard...but don't worry yourself about how he's feeling about it...rather it's hard for him or he's thinking of you or not...either way it will still hurt...if he's great as you think he is why not just trust he had his reasons and it's even likely he had your best interest in mind.
    Unresolved feelings...lack of closure...yeah those things really bother INTJs.

    Quote Originally Posted by blomiki View Post
    Yup, the damn lack of closure I think is what is making this situation so difficult (and the thread so long!). You tried confrontation and he didn't explain his behaviour or acknowledge how unfair he'd been (the things he said seem to be "defense mode" answers). And he didn't come chasing after you. So I guess... t i m e and something else to take your attention off it maybe.
    Yeah, he was always very defensive. But I'm sure that's because he always had something to hide. He did "chase" me. But it was on/off. But yeah, you could say I did a lot more pursuing. I was a total idiot for that. I really lost control of my emotions.
    Quote Originally Posted by blomiki View Post
    Like I said, my closure-less relationship-that-ended-before-it-started took me months and months to get over. It got FAR worse before it started getting better. I was physically nervous every time I THOUGHT of him. Dreamed about him almost every night. Kept imagining I'd run into him even when it was logically impossible. Just because I still wished we could just have some final conversation. Even though I knew we were so raw a final conversation would do more damage than good.

    I don't want to scare you, but sometimes (18 months later) I still casually wonder what could have been. But 99% of my day I'm so happy, and I sincerely hope this for you, because I'm in an incredibly fulfilling, connected relationship now.
    Wow...I'm glad you relate. Was the connection you had with the INTJ as strong as the connection you have with your current relationship?

    Quote Originally Posted by Immaculate Cloud View Post
    To Scientist,


    A very wise friend of mine has a 'post-mortem' question for relationship flops:

    What is it in you that you crave/d, unconsciously, from the other person, that was valuable enough for you to switch off your discernment, that clouded your judgment?
    That is a very interesting question. A few things...I think ENFP's are good at affirmation and making others feel good about themselves. Words of affirmation happens to be my primary love language. I know this is somehow tied to lack of self-esteem, which I'm working on. I think INTJs can be very critical of themselves . Aside from that, he was the best looking guy in the entire office (out of 100+) and I guess I was just taken aback. I initially questioned why HE would be interested in ME? I know that's my self-esteem again.... But again, I've not had much experience with men so I was really flattered that he would even notice me. Also, the fact that his strengths were my weaknesses...he was socially adept, adventurous, spontaneous, random. I loved being pulled out of my comfort zone. Viewing the world from his perspective was really refreshing.
    Last edited by thescientist; 06-09-2010 at 01:49 PM.

  2. #82
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    Quote Originally Posted by SillySapienne View Post
    and, MisterEyebrows are the three ENFPs I know who frequent this site, perhaps they could help you a bit more with your current predicament.
    uhmmmmm

    uh let's see

    My answer to the OP depends on the person, I guess. I've still got some slight pent-up resentment from a relationship that ended almost two years ago. First love and all of that. I've been in one other relationship since, and I'm in another now. Even still, I guess I think about her, but in a mostly negative light.

    So. There's that.


    I sure haven't read this thread in detail, but it seems like you're assuming that you're off his mind, too. The prospect is kind of scary, I know. But with you being the one who left.. he might be wondering the same thing you are.

  3. #83
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    Quote Originally Posted by thescientist View Post
    Wow...I'm glad you relate. Was the connection you had with the INTJ as strong as the connection you have with your current relationship?
    Good question, because the connection was inexpressibly intense with the INTJ. I was convinced I could never fall in love again if it didn't feel exactly the same.

    The INTJ's approval and disapproval of me was so in-my-face and so seemingly... objective (as if his opinion is the obvious truth, typical INTJ I guess)... that everything he said and did mattered to me a million times more than it should have. (Funny that I'm realising I carried the same weight in his world. He was really good at hiding it, making me hurt him more than I would have had I known what I was doing.)

    I've known my INFJ boyfriend for four years. We've had a warm, caring friendship for four years and now that we're dating (8 months) our relationship is growing in a myriad of new levels. I think I found him un-exciting at first, hence the lack of attraction for 4 years. But I wasn't looking deep enough, and he was cautious to expose too much (teehee, very ENFP meets INFJ).

    My boyfriend is incredibly intense. Sometimes he'll just LOOK at me and the messages flying between us will be indescribable.

    We're Christians and we don't sleep together, in fact we try not to encourage arousal, yet the emotionally charged cuddling/kissing sessions are indescribably exciting and fulfilling. I feel like I'm uncovering layer after layer of mysterious hopes, fears, dreams, ideas... the fact that he allows me in is like an eight-month-long compliment.

    So yes. I feel like the kind of connection I have with my boyfriend is growing more gradually than that with the INTJ, but no less deeply. And also more sustainably and in a way that might actually build us up, not shatter his/my self-esteem in a sentence.

    Explosions are amazing, beautiful, unforgettable, but they leave devastation in their wake. That's what me-and-INTJ were like. INFJ and I could work forever and we'd both become more and more mature, beautiful people.

    Sorry for the mini-essay. It's nice for me also to write this out.

  4. #84
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    wow...i get so much of what that feels like. i care/d more about what my ex thought of me than i ever have anyone...that in itself was such a weird experience...and ultimately not very good for me....but i have that feeling too that unless that never felt before intensity is there then i won't fall for someone again...so...reading your post is comforting in a way...thanks.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  5. #85

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    Quote Originally Posted by thescientist View Post
    I know you guys move on quickly and fall in love with the next interesting person...it's just so easy for you ENFPs! But this was the first time I fell flat on my face for someone. And it seems that no matter how hard I try, everything reminds me of him...
    We are all similar at the core. The only reason I've ever been able to move on quickly is because I see there are no options or hope. It doesn't mean it hurts any less, just that I feel it is more constructive for me to get away from it than mull on it. Kind of like you moving because you know what it does to you. Maybe ENFPs reach that sort of decision with clarity quicker. I can be difficult to read emotionally too.

    This guy might be similar to me, he might not be. Type doesn't really come into it. If he is an ENFP and like me then communication is a good solution. You'd be surprised how forthcoming we are. Actually if you said this is where I'm at, etc. I'd probably clear everything up in seconds. I'm guessing the zero initiative part says he is different though, because I hate leaving things in limbo. In that sense a generalisation by type, at least in my case might not be that useful for finding an answer, so I can't offer much more than I have. I think all my previous answers have contradicted this guy too, so the other ENFP males might be more useful.


    I'll agree with Eyebrows too. It is very dependent on the person and the context. In most people's lives there will be relationships where they are the chaser and relationships where they are the runner. There will also be the nice ones where it just works. It pretty much depends on the dynamics between people and where they are both at. It's always crap when you are in the chasing position, and it always means more to the chaser. It can seem like the runner an asshole or is inherently messed up when it doesn't work or they care less. But it's about the dynamic, not the person. With someone else he will be you. With someone else you will be him.
    Freude, schöner Götterfunken Tochter aus Elysium, Wir betreten feuertrunken, Himmlische, dein Heiligtum! Deine Zauber binden wieder Was die Mode streng geteilt; Alle Menschen werden Brüder, Wo dein sanfter Flügel weilt.

  6. #86
    Happy Dancer uumlau's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by uumlau View Post
    Think of it as if you were splashing through the waves at a water park. Just face up to the feelings, wallow in them, let them emotionally soak you to the bone.
    The xNTJ splashing through waves at a water park: [YOUTUBE="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vvvy0pydeyY"]Napoleon meets his Waterloo[/YOUTUBE].

  7. #87
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gmanyo View Post
    In response to the original post, I have an ENFP friend who says he almost never misses anyone. He likes people alot, he just doesn't miss them.
    I long for them a bit emotionally-i think fondly of them and am filled with thoughts or love. But then I forget to email or call. Most of my old friends are ENTPs though, so it works out okay. For instance my best friend ENTP said she would be a shit friend for the next three months due to work but that she still loves me. But today I went to lunch with an INFJ friend and realized how hurtful this can be for her. I think it will be an area I work harder on.

    How can you show affection when you are distant from a friend-just emails and phone calls checking in on them? (I tend towards thoughts of sending them flowers or weird funny gifts from the internet)

  8. #88
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    Quote Originally Posted by thescientist View Post

    That is a very interesting question. A few things...I think ENFP's are good at affirmation and making others feel good about themselves. Words of affirmation happens to be my primary love language. I know this is somehow tied to lack of self-esteem, which I'm working on. I think INTJs can be very critical of themselves . Aside from that, he was the best looking guy in the entire office (out of 100+) and I guess I was just taken aback. I initially questioned why HE would be interested in ME? I know that's my self-esteem again.... But again, I've not had much experience with men so I was really flattered that he would even notice me. Also, the fact that his strengths were my weaknesses...he was socially adept, adventurous, spontaneous, random. I loved being pulled out of my comfort zone. Viewing the world from his perspective was really refreshing.
    That is a very lucid analysis! I think that in future, you will be able to 'get affirmation and validation' from many sources, including internally (!) and not feel that in return, you need to give your very soul.

  9. #89
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    Quote Originally Posted by gmanyo View Post
    In response to the original post, I have an ENFP friend who says he almost never misses anyone. He likes people alot, he just doesn't miss them.
    Ha, me too. I've always felt so guilty about it - but I'm learning it's just because I get lost in the moment. I forget myself so completely that I also forget who was with me in the previous moment. I know this sounds callous but I swear it's not. I think it's a common ENFP inner conflict, because we are overwhelmed with feelings of affection for people, but this "longing" thing that comes naturally to most people, apparently, doesn't happen as naturally for us.

    I don't think it's fair to MAKE me miss people or resent me cause I don't.

    When I'm in a bad space, wishing for escape, I do miss the people I love. But not when I'm happy and engaged with whatever I'm busy with.

  10. #90
    Senior Member Kurt.Is.God's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gmanyo View Post
    In response to the original post, I have an ENFP friend who says he almost never misses anyone. He likes people alot, he just doesn't miss them.
    Heh...
    Wow...
    Gmanyo...
    Maybe you should leave this site before you think of me as really lame for posting here...
    I swear to God I don't post more than twice a month on average...

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