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  1. #71
    Allergic to Mornings ergophobe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thescientist View Post
    Thanks

    Somehow I do think it's a type thing...you guys are quick to move on. But in the rare occasion that an INTJ opens their heart up, they are giving you their very soul. It's so much harder to recover from that...
    As an ENFP, I don't think the quick to move on part reflects my experience at all. When I was younger, as an Ennea 7, I'd just move on without processing. It wasn't healthy and it wasn't really moving on. At some point though, it catches up with you and makes relationships hard. I concur with the wise ENFPs who have written here before me...in mature, considerate ENFPs, you'll see the following, at least from their (our) perspective:
    1. Sincere excitement about a romantic interest and a straightforward, rather unsubtle expression of their interest. For all our extroverted ways, we're pretty darn awkward and shy about expressing feelings to people who really matter and can't wait to let them and some others know.
    2. An honest effort to be honest. I wouldn't dream of "keeping my options open" romantically. Frankly, the thought itself is rather abhorrent. If I felt like the person I was interested in and I had reached a point where we were going to try to make a go of things, whatever that might mean - crossed a physical or emotional line, I would immediately let anyone else know that I was going to concentrate on making it work. It wouldn't be in a way that would pressure on the situation by calling it anything it wasn't but for myself, it's about living up to my standards.
    3. If in the position where the other person felt/needed more than I could offer, I would do everything possible to make it crystal clear to them that I didn't feel the same way. I would do this for THEM because it would be the considerate thing to do and what I would expect in a similar situation. No grey area possible because the grey hurts.

    So, when folks questioned his ENFPness, I think we're all thinking that this fellow who has caused you so much hurt just doesn't reflect our experience. He may very well be an ENFP but he's just not a mature considerate person. As Marm said, they come in all MBTI flavors.

    Whatever his MBTI type, he didn't treat you well. That's unacceptable. It's okay to blame him for that. Doesn't make him the spawn of evil but I think it's okay to be angry and use that anger constructively. You know it's okay to move past when you can think of him fondly and as human without wanting to see him or make things work with him.

    Wondering if he thinks of you...I've certainly been there, finding it difficult to forget someone and wondering if it's easier for them, darn it...

    Here's what's difficult though - how do you stop and move on? Is wondering whether he's thinking of you helping you make that transition? Will 3 or 30 of us here saying romantic interactions have a profound affect on our lives going to make transitioning on easier? if yes, by all means continue to tear things apart. If not, find a way to closure, the way others have suggested. I don't think anyone who's said that here meant to imply that it was easy or said that in a patronizing manner. We've all been there and mean to say, "take care of yourself, that's all you can do". Figure our how YOU feel and what YOU need to feel better about the situation and move on.


  2. #72
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    i think when relationships end without potential being realized or possibilities explored it's just harder to let go...you felt so intensely but never got to experience it fully...just leaves you with all these unresolved emotions. i think the best thing you can do is to see what good came from it. what you learned about yourself and what's important to you and try your best to accept that learning that was reason enough...i know it's hard...but don't worry yourself about how he's feeling about it...rather it's hard for him or he's thinking of you or not...either way it will still hurt...if he's great as you think he is why not just trust he had his reasons and it's even likely he had your best interest in mind.

    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  3. #73
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    Yup, the damn lack of closure I think is what is making this situation so difficult (and the thread so long!). You tried confrontation and he didn't explain his behaviour or acknowledge how unfair he'd been (the things he said seem to be "defense mode" answers). And he didn't come chasing after you. So I guess... t i m e and something else to take your attention off it maybe.

    Like I said, my closure-less relationship-that-ended-before-it-started took me months and months to get over. It got FAR worse before it started getting better. I was physically nervous every time I THOUGHT of him. Dreamed about him almost every night. Kept imagining I'd run into him even when it was logically impossible. Just because I still wished we could just have some final conversation. Even though I knew we were so raw a final conversation would do more damage than good.

    I don't want to scare you, but sometimes (18 months later) I still casually wonder what could have been. But 99% of my day I'm so happy, and I sincerely hope this for you, because I'm in an incredibly fulfilling, connected relationship now.

  4. #74
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by blomiki View Post
    I don't want to scare you, but sometimes (18 months later) I still casually wonder what could have been. But 99% of my day I'm so happy, and I sincerely hope this for you, because I'm in an incredibly fulfilling, connected relationship now.
    That's the saddest fucking thing ever. And people ask me why I don't date.

  5. #75
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    To Scientist,



    A very wise friend of mine has a 'post-mortem' question for relationship flops:

    What is it in you that you crave/d, unconsciously, from the other person, that was valuable enough for you to switch off your discernment, that clouded your judgment?


  6. #76
    sswwwaagggg gmanyo's Avatar
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    In response to the original post, I have an ENFP friend who says he almost never misses anyone. He likes people alot, he just doesn't miss them.

  7. #77
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    well i miss people all the time so who the hell knows about this enfp guy...so not type related.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  8. #78
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    My IRL ENFP swears that friends are held loosely, whatever that means, yet sends sappy emails to a group of 20+ people to say how special they are, how much they contribute to her growth, etc.


  9. #79
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    ughh...i would never do that....and feel the opposite totally...wth.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  10. #80
    Senior Member Rebe's Avatar
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    My IRL ENFP swears that friends are held loosely, whatever that means, yet sends sappy emails to a group of 20+ people to say how special they are, how much they contribute to her growth, etc.
    Eww, that's like emotional prostitution.

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