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  1. #21
    Happy Dancer uumlau's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thescientist View Post
    How easily do you forget special people in your lives? An infatuation? A friend? An ex?

    Do you just move on and not look back and block it out of your memory? Do you feel anything when you think about it?

    I ask because I feel like I can't get this ENFP off my brain. I've moved away, no goodbyes...I just disappeared with no warning...for my own sake. It's been 3 months since I left. No contact on either end. It was a year-long mess...a gray-area friendship I would call it (at work). I just can't help but wonder if I even remotely cross his mind.

    I know you guys move on quickly and fall in love with the next interesting person...it's just so easy for you ENFPs! But this was the first time I fell flat on my face for someone. And it seems that no matter how hard I try, everything reminds me of him...

    It just hurts to think that I'm a faded memory, while his is still very much alive in my head.

    I'm sorry...I'm just recently over the anger phase and am now consumed by sadness and longing...I just miss him...

    !@#$ I just shed a tear!
    for my fellow INTJ.

    Quote Originally Posted by Satine View Post
    Enjoy the emotions, but don't let them overtake you. You weren't compatible, as fun a guy as he is. He might've been fun for a few months, but not suitable as a life partner.
    Satine is very wise in these matters. Listen to her.


    Quote Originally Posted by thescientist View Post
    You're right...I just keep idealizing things in my head.
    <pontification mode>Consider a spherical ENFP ...</pontification mode>

    The connection and chemistry was undeniable though. I feel like I will forever search for that again.
    Your search will only take forever if you stop looking.

    My dear Scientist,

    I've always had a soft spot for your avatar, and every time I see it, I have to read the post next to it more closely. There is a sense of wonder, a sense of beauty, and if you look closely, a sense of determination that will never be quenched.

    You broke up due to values. That's the determination. You broke up because you have standards. That's a good thing. It hurts, but it is so very, very good. Your heart will thank you, in the long run.

    Stop telling yourself to get over it. You are (your Fi side is) too effing stubborn to get over it until you're good and ready. Ride the feelings, don't quench/suppress them. This is the NFP wisdom the xNFPs have to teach us xNTJs. When they're this strong, they'll carry you along, for a while. Think of it as if you were splashing through the waves at a water park. Just face up to the feelings, wallow in them, let them emotionally soak you to the bone. Go ahead. Shed your tears. I won't look, I promise.

    When you're done, you dry off, and be back to your usual calm self. And you'll be ever so slightly different. You won't realize it right away, but your Ni side will have gone through and cataloged and experienced everything your Fi and emotions went through. Your experience will become a part of your INTJ-ness, in a good way. Most INTJs will just push those emotions aside, ignore it all, and cripple themselves by not experiencing them, gradually becoming colder and colder. By experiencing them, your Ni will remember! It will remember what you liked, what you loved, what brought you joy, what you admired, what hurt you, what you hated ... what a wonderful connection with another human being feels like.

    You know how powerful our Ni is. You probably encounter guy after guy, wanting to get to know you, and you think, "Um, no, thank you. Next!" This is bad, especially for a young INTJ. Yes, you're usually right, but you probably reject a lot of good opportunities without a second thought. (It's OK, it's how INTJs work.) But here's the new thing: with this under your belt, your Ni will be much better at seeing what you like and what you don't. You will know yourself better. You will see what you love more often, not less. You know what you love "looks like" now. You know better, now, what real love feels like. (Just because the person wasn't the right person doesn't make the love any less real.)

    You are so afraid of never finding this kind of connection with someone ever again.

    My dear, be glad that you are so very very wrong: you will find it again, and again and again and again ...

  2. #22
    Senior Member thescientist's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orobas View Post
    I think Rebe said this as well-I forget the details but I recall the emotional sensation of "them".

    However I will find i do everything possible to delete evidence of "them" from my life as even to see pieces of a person who hurt me, makes me hurt again. But I forgive endlessly and try to forget as carrying emotional angst is very bad.
    Yeah that's what I figured...except there's nothing to forgive. He hurt ME. Not vice-versa.

    Quote Originally Posted by Orobas View Post
    There is something to be said for Te directness though. He is designed to receive it-did you ever directly confront him? Not cruelly-but just honestly? Just to be perfectly clear about your feelings towards him and ask what he expected or wanted of you in return?

    If you did want to write a letter-it actually would be okay I think. ENFPs need a sense of closure as well-especially if he was emotionally invested, thus it may be good for him and you.

    Also calling him on his f'ed up emo games, may teach him something of value. Let him know that he hurt you, so perhaps he will not repeat that mistake with others in the future-as it may not have been intentional.
    Emotionally invested? Yeah, dont know about that. I know I was.

    I did confront him Te / Fi style...it was basically a humiliation session for me, and an ego-boost session for him. He just denies everything. I will try to write out the details of that in another post since I haven't really laid out how things "ended". It takes a lot of emotional energy for me to go back and recall these details.

    Just so everyone's clear...we were never "in a relationship".

  3. #23
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thescientist View Post
    Yeah that's what I figured...except there's nothing to forgive. He hurt ME. Not vice-versa.
    Foe enfps- I think we MUST erase the past and we MUST forgive. Being designed the way we are: NeFiTe, if we try and hold onto the past too much and dont let go of anger-we are driven to act upon in via Te. It will appear as drama-rage, petty vengance, ranting, emo spews, and I suppose some enfps are even manipulative. Many enfps here have echoed that we have to forgive and forget to avoid the above trap emotionally. We tend towards this response naturally. We have to or we suffer.

    WRT forgetfulness-for me to see objects associated with a painful time-it forces to to re-experience the painful time. Thus I purge the objects so I dont stumble across them again. (I threw away my cheese grater in January as a result of an ENTP boy...f'kin nuts...I gave away a beautiful blue necklace as a result of an INTJ boy...the objects make me relive the pain). If I do not distance myself from the pain, each time I feel it again, I will feel the desire to do SOMETHING-aka drama. Thus I must forget and forgive utterly, so that I do not hurt others via my own frsutration.

    Ne is a blessing as it allows us to move quickly on and erase that pain from our mind-but we can also NOT learn as we move on TOO quickly. We may miss the hurt we caused another-thus the importance of that direct confrontation you mentioned below.

    I feel very much for you as INTJs dont have that Ne place to escape to. To share emotionally is very hard, and then to have that trust broken-you dont have the protective escape routes built in than enfps do. So you are in a cycle of hurt, some what trapped, unable to move on but unable to forget, full of anger and hurt at this person who stupidly trod on you and has no apparent remorse. I wish I could kick his ass for you as he sounds like an immature kid.

    I cant speak to the value forgiveness may give you honestly. That is something INTJs can advise you on-such as Uumlau. I suspect the processing emotions is a very different thing for an INTJ than for an ENFP.

    For what it is worth you are beautiful-intellectually, emotionally and quite amazingly pretty as well-the enfp sounds like an immature kid from the posts I have read in the past. Intentionally manipulative or not, his actions have hurt you and that was wrong of him.

    Quote Originally Posted by thescientist View Post
    Emotionally invested? Yeah, dont know about that. I know I was.

    I did confront him Te / Fi style...it was basically a humiliation session for me, and an ego-boost session for him. He just denies everything. I will try to write out the details of that in another post since I haven't really laid out how things "ended". It takes a lot of emotional energy for me to go back and recall these details.

    Just so everyone's clear...we were never "in a relationship".
    He may have acted as though he did not care-but I would put money on him being very remorseful later. The harder we push back in public with our Te-the more hurt and self loathing we will often feel later as we think over what we did. It may have taken time, but we seem to be driven to look inside our selves and be somewhat self critical-especially if he cared for you.

    Is it worth reliving the emotions? Does it help process the event and give you a sense of closure? I dunno honestly how this works for tert Fi...

    this may be a really strange suggestion-but do you have a physical outlet of sorts-an Se activity-that might help drain some of the emotional frustration and pain that you feel? I recall that you swim..perhaps pouring yourself into that or another physical activity can help you process some of this pain...

  4. #24
    Senior Member thescientist's Avatar
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    OK, I will try to relive the last few days at work.

    I had some final words with him where I told him to just stab my heart already and just end it! He would ask what it is that I wanted from him. And I was just honest and pretty much humiliated myself and poured out everything i was feeling to him. It was SUCH an ego boost for him. He told me he didnt understand why I couldnt just say "his loss" and move on, and I said to him...I DONT KNOW...maybe i have self esteem issues! I told him I enjoyed his company and just wanted to spend time with him and he basically said that he would invite me out but I needed to "chill out". He told me that I chased him and pointed out all of my embarrassing moments. I even accused him of being inconsistent with me and all he did was DENY. That's all he ever did. I know I'm not CRAZY...there were clear signs that he liked me in a more than friends way. I was just willing to put myself out there way more than he was...He sent me a text and said he was glad I talked. Of course he was effing glad I talked...I just gave him the biggest ego boost of his life.

    The few days after that conversation, I was purposely aloof and did not communicate with him since he wanted me to "chill out". There was some obvious sadness in my demeanor too. I could tell he felt sorry for me. He posted an art show flyer up and circled my name and his. I bumped into him where the flyer was and he pointed it out to me. Guess it was his way of trying to cheer me up. I knew he was expecting me to show up at the art show that weekend. It was the last time we would have seen each other. After the humiliation session, I decided not to show up, especially since he was EXPECTING me to. I had to save what dignity was left..if any at all. I moved away. Never said goodbye. Then I quit my job long-distance. Sent a mass email saying a quick casual goodbye to my coworkers, including him and that was it. I'm sure for a few days he was emotionally rattled, but I doubt it lasted...

    He NEVER admitted to liking me, but his actions never matched his words. UGH!!! There was only ONE MIRACULOUS moment where I accused him of not THINKING ABOUT ALL THIS as much as I have...and he turned to me and with the most serious and genuine tone, slightly upset he said: I've thought about YOU as much as you've thought about ME...OK? I almost died...of course that never repeated...it was just a phase. He would fall in and out of "love" with me ALL THE TIME. It was so emotionally overwhelming and devastating for me. I was a complete mess that entire year. All I ever wanted was consistency...either like me...or DONT.

    I always sensed an inner struggle...our values didnt match and I knew it was an issue for him. He also had some long-distance gf that he was not serious about, and somehow I think he felt some sort of guilt about that. He never admitted it to me. He always said she was just a friend.

    I guess I just wonder if I meant anything at all to him. I remember telling him not to worry, that i'll just be a faded memory soon. And he was sarcastic and slightly upset and said, 'of course, or maybe you wont be in my memory at all, because you know how easily i forget things'.

    Anyway...It doesnt matter! I'm sure he's OVER IT by now. And I'm sitting here on a forum writing about it...how pathetic!

  5. #25
    `~~Philosoflying~~` SillySapienne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thescientist View Post
    Thanks

    Somehow I do think it's a type thing...you guys are quick to move on. But in the rare occasion that an INTJ opens their heart up, they are giving you their very soul. It's so much harder to recover from that...
    We might be quick to move on, in a "physical" sense, but emotionally, and psychologically it is sooooooooo fucking hard for us to move on, once we've opened our hearts to someone.



    Since I was five, I remember each and every person who's deeply affected me somehow, most of all, those who have *emotionally* affected me.

    The only people I will learn to stop loving, (shit, I don't even think I'm capable of this yet), are people who have been a negative force in my life.

    I assure you, that if you and this ENFP guy had something special, he's thinking about you, I promise.

    `
    'Cause you can't handle me...

    "A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. The truth is the truth even if nobody believes it." - David Stevens

    "That that is, is. That that is not, is not. Is that it? It is."

    Veritatem dies aperit

    Ride si sapis

    Intelligentle sparkles

  6. #26
    `~~Philosoflying~~` SillySapienne's Avatar
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    How old are you, how old is he?

    What actually transpired between you two, and for how long?

    How sure are you that he's an ENFP, too?
    `
    'Cause you can't handle me...

    "A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. The truth is the truth even if nobody believes it." - David Stevens

    "That that is, is. That that is not, is not. Is that it? It is."

    Veritatem dies aperit

    Ride si sapis

    Intelligentle sparkles

  7. #27
    Happy Dancer uumlau's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thescientist View Post
    Just so everyone's clear...we were never "in a relationship".
    OK, what did you have with him? As in real-life interactions that were pleasant?

    Quote Originally Posted by thescientist View Post

    He NEVER admitted to liking me, but his actions never matched his words. UGH!!! There was only ONE MIRACULOUS moment where I accused him of not THINKING ABOUT ALL THIS as much as I have...and he turned to me and with the most serious and genuine tone, slightly upset he said: I've thought about YOU as much as you've thought about ME...OK? I almost died...of course that never repeated...it was just a phase. He would fall in and out of "love" with me ALL THE TIME. It was so emotionally overwhelming and devastating for me. I was a complete mess that entire year. All I ever wanted was consistency...either like me...or DONT.

    I always sensed an inner struggle...our values didnt match and I knew it was an issue for him. He also had some long-distance gf that he was not serious about, and somehow I think he felt some sort of guilt about that. He never admitted it to me. He always said she was just a friend.

    I guess I just wonder if I meant anything at all to him. I remember telling him not to worry, that i'll just be a faded memory soon. And he was sarcastic and slightly upset and said, 'of course, or maybe you wont be in my memory at all, because you know how easily i forget things'.

    Anyway...It doesnt matter! I'm sure he's OVER IT by now. And I'm sitting here on a forum writing about it...how pathetic!
    You spent time with an ENFP, where he might have been interested in you, but he never admitted to liking you? Are you sure you're dealing with an ENFP and not an ENTP, for example? ENFPs tend to be really bluntly honest, and tend to hurt your feelings in "bluntly honest" ways. They tend to really obviously like you, or they don't. When there are mixed signals, it's of the nature of ENFPs to be "overly friendly" and accidentally give an impression of liking you in a special way, when they really don't ... because they treat everyone that way, not just you.

    ENFP feelings can be particularly erratic, especially when young. On one level an ENFP wants to be in a deeply loving, involved relationship, but on a different level is very afraid of real intimacy, in a "grass is always greener" sense.

    BTW, it doesn't matter whether or not you were "in a relationship," whatever that means to you. People are people. We connect with each other on many different levels. You obviously connected with this guy at some level that means something to you. You can learn from that: my prior advice still applies. Yeah, you're writing about it on a forum, but I know my INTJs ... this is an important outlet for you. You want to be your centered self again. You want to understand what's going on. You want some sense of closure. You will find it.

  8. #28
    Senior Member Rebe's Avatar
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    He sounds too immature to accept your serious declaration from what you have written, or at least didn't handle it correctly.

    So you two were just friends and worked at the same place? But flirted and he send signals and you send signals? You developed a deeper attachment to him but he was inconsistent? And when confronted, he denied everything? And you moved away all of the sudden without saying goodbye?

    What are these values you keep bringing up? INTJ vs ENFP values? I def. see an enormous possible difference that would conflict a budding romance.

  9. #29
    Senior Member thescientist's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SillySapienne View Post
    How old are you, how old is he?

    What actually transpired between you two, and for how long?

    How sure are you that he's an ENFP, too?
    Me - 25 / ENFP - 26

    Mutual infatuation for an entire year at work. Push/pull. Few first dates initiated by him. Kissing on/off throughout the year initiated by him. Never slept with the guy, thank GOD. General friendship as well.

    100% sure he's ENFP. Very strong E and P (just how I like 'em ). Probably Enneagram 7.

    I haven't had too much experience with guys (in very INTJ fashion). He on the other hand...

  10. #30
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by uumlau View Post
    OK, what did you have with him? As in real-life interactions that were pleasant?



    You spent time with an ENFP, where he might have been interested in you, but he never admitted to liking you? Are you sure you're dealing with an ENFP and not an ENTP, for example? ENFPs tend to be really bluntly honest, and tend to hurt your feelings in "bluntly honest" ways. They tend to really obviously like you, or they don't. When there are mixed signals, it's of the nature of ENFPs to be "overly friendly" and accidentally give an impression of liking you in a special way, when they really don't ... because they treat everyone that way, not just you.

    ENFP feelings can be particularly erratic, especially when young. On one level an ENFP wants to be in a deeply loving, involved relationship, but on a different level is very afraid of real intimacy, in a "grass is always greener" sense.

    BTW, it doesn't matter whether or not you were "in a relationship," whatever that means to you. People are people. We connect with each other on many different levels. You obviously connected with this guy at some level that means something to you. You can learn from that: my prior advice still applies. Yeah, you're writing about it on a forum, but I know my INTJs ... this is an important outlet for you. You want to be your centered self again. You want to understand what's going on. You want some sense of closure. You will find it.
    ffs we don't treat everyone that way!! do you all not get how much authenticity means to us? you think we do shit just to be nice? whew...sorry for the dramatics...just keep hearing this and it's not true.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

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