I think it interesting that so many of the NF women who have posted lists on this thread have expressed ambivalence and trepidation about doing so.
The concerns seems to fall into two areas:
- That such a list makes it more likely that good matches will be overlooked.
- By writing such a list, the list maker will appear shallow or superficial. (Or even worse, IS shallow or superficial.)
I say a definitive HOGWASH.
Whether we formally write these lists down or not, we all have them in our head... even if they are not consciously articulated. Furthermore, writing such a list isn't shallow... nor is putting a few quirky items on there like
big hands. Using such a list to categorically reject people is shallow.
Sooooo.... seems like the best thing is to embrace that dating is a sorting process. And this sorting is very healthy. And guys, you can tell a lot about a woman from such a list. Seems like a pretty good sorting tool for you, too.
Since posting my first list, I've decided that I need to be a lot braver about saying what I'd like in a man and what I don't. Ladies, you have inspired me.
Don't worry, gentlemen. I won't apply it too strictly. But it will help me remember to kick those shallow assholes to the curb a lot sooner so I have more time "on the market" to find some of the kind, sweet, considerate, good-hearted men that are out there.
Esoteric Wench's Deal Breakers - List #2 (aka the shallow and really obnoxious list)
1. Must Haves
* Ambition. Not a lot of money. Just a desire to do something and do it well.
* Mindfulness. Yeah. Everything
does matter.
* Self-Actualization. Never quit growing as a person. <-- Boy is this hard to find.
* Spiritual maturity. Church not required. Ethical and spiritually mature perspectives transcend religious institutions.
* Kind heart. Especially when the going gets tough. That's when real character comes through. Douchebaggery is most unattractive.
* Humility. Yes, you are an idiot. But that's OK. I'm an idiot, too.
* Intensity. I'm a pretty darn intense person at times. If you're a wall-flower, I'm gonna knock you over with my energy. Quiet intensity is even better. Oh so yummy.
* Dependable. There's not gonna be room in our relationship for two flakes.
* Polite comportment. An appreciation for gracious living. This is very hard to find in our current culture.
* Well-Educated. Formal education not necessary. But you have to be able to keep up with me and even teach me a thing or two.
* Love of learning. I love learning new things. So should you.
* Be able to call me on my own crap when necessary. I know it's hard to believe, but even Esoteric Wench needs someone to reign her in every once in a while.
* Wordie. Or at least not wordie adverse. If you can't give me a run for my money in Scrabble, you need not apply.
* Creative. Oh this is most attractive.
* Well-groomed eyebrows. I've just got this thing about this. It drives me nuts to see two llamas taped to a guy's face... or even worse... one very long and big llama.
* Passion for the Arts (Or at least a willingness to be supportive of me in my passion for the arts.)
* Baseline proficiency in lovemaking. Come'on.... If you haven't figure this out by my age, then there's no saving you. Ability to be playful and adventurous in bed is a big plus. Also, being unafraid to be sexually assertive... even sometimes aggressive... is a HUGE turn on. (I'm weak in the knees just writing these words.)
* A penis. Thanks marmalade.sunrise for reminding me of this necessity. You've can have everything else on this list, but you've gotta have the right equipment, too.
2. Rather Nots
* Any interest in any spectator sports... You wanna get up off the couch and play yourself? More power to ya. You wanna sit around watching other people play... I don't think so. Certain sports, by the way, automatically qualify as deal breakers, including: NASCAR, wrestling, and college football.
* Smoking. It's a disgusting habit. And, I don't want to breathe your smoke either.
* Less than 5" taller than me. (I'm 5'6" so you do the math.) Shallow perhaps. But it's a visceral, perhaps biological thing, with me. I just am not attracted to shorter guys. (At least this is the only measure of length or girth I put on this list.)
* Lack of Healthy Libido. More than twice a week, but under twice a day, seems a good guideline.
* Long hair. Only 1 in 10 women can keep their long hair looking good. Unless your name is Fabio and you have a personal stylist, your long hair is probably gonna look like crap. Just cut it short and be done with it. If I wanted to date a teenager, I'd volunteer to serve as a chaperon at my local prom.
* Overly Intrusive Previous Entanglements (e.g., 4 kids from 3 former wives.) I want to build a life with you... not share in the leftovers of someone else's life.
* Any behavior that falls below the level of "Excellent Oral Hygiene."
* An Unwillingness to Curtail Excessive Hirsute Tendencies. (See item about eyebrows above.) I know that you've gotta work with what you're born with, but you do have options. Gentleman, body wax is your friend!
3. Deal Breakers
* Love of College Football (Yeah, I'm serious.)
* A Tivo subscription to American Idol or that show with those people on the island. In fact, any intense fascination with that ilk of reality TV programs. They represent all that is soulless and wrong.
* Arrogance. (See humility above.)
* Not a Good kisser. This is a definite deal breaker for me. I love kissing... and no, it doesn't have to be leading anywhere. I love just kissing for kissing's sake. You've either got the gift or you don't.
* Selfishness. It's not all about you.....
* Dislike of Reading. And if all you read are John Grisham novels, business books au currant, and Sky Mall Magazine, this does NOT count.
* Close Minded. Ohhh... if you can't see that there is more than one way to skin a cat, then this pussy cat can't be bothered with you.
* Un-knowledgeable in current affairs. You don't have to have a subscription to the Foreign Affairs, but show some interest in the world around you.
* Lay About Attitude. Get up off that couch and do something with your life.
* Overly single-minded pursuit of hedonistic activities. I like to have fun, but there is more to life than partying. Yuck.
* No Sense of Adventure. aka stick-in-the-mudness is definite no no.
.
