[NF] The NF Females' List of Deal Breakers

[gromit]

Also, things that I had previously thought to be dealbreakers pop up in people in surprising ways that actually 'work' so then how can I say it is a universal dealbreaker? (if that makes any sense)

Actually, this is probably primarily about me not wanting to commit to any particular answer to this question...

 

[Immaculate Cloud]

1. Must NOT still be in Mom's apron strings.

That's all i can think of, right now.

 

[Snuggletron]

Because they are too busy idealising the men because of their own insecurities. There, I said it...

welp, someone had to.

 

[the state i am in]

// Eww. Bye. [/B]
1 ) Obsession with mysticism.

haha, obsession with mysticism is a definite "no"!

i love that this is my dealbreaker. the fact that i perfectly meet the list except for this. what good is Ni that doesn't get a little fucking cosmic now and then? and try to bask in momentary glimpses of ultimate meaning?

 

[kiddykat]

Do you even know what clicking means at a neurological level? Your brain is making these lists whether you know it or not, consciously or subconsciously you do have well defined criteria.

I don't judge people based on lists, but I do have my standards, and there is nothing wrong with that.



I mean, these threads were for shits and giggles anyway right? That's the whole point.

Yes! Exactly.

It is/was mostly for shitz and gigglez. That's what I got from it initially. Then it started to gauge off into serious aspects that are pertinent to any relationship beneath the surface when fireworks fizzle.

I don't think I've ever seen a discussion so heated throughout the boards. Esoteric, was a fun/interesting topic. Hehehe. I know marriage therapists usually ask couples to write out lists for what they want. This was a freebie. Thanks.

 

[chooi]

haha, obsession with mysticism is a definite "no"!

uch:

Nothing to be said of cultural relativism? I've been wanting to live with shamans to experience their lifestyle and pick their brains for awhile now. I don't, however, have tons of crystals around my house, and will not tell people how I feel about their aura.

But I must be leaving now. I have tree spirits to converse with.

 

[chooi]

Rather nots
religious
very into sports
very short
ugly

uch:uch:uch:
How short is "very short"?

 

[chooi]

This thread reminds me of one of my favorite scenes in Much Ado About Nothing:

Seems like people have been making such lists for a very long time. I guess it's true. The world must be peopled.

Umberto Eco on lists.

Umberto Eco: The list is the origin of culture. It's part of the history of art and literature. What does culture want? To make infinity comprehensible. It also wants to create order -- not always, but often. And how, as a human being, does one face infinity? How does one attempt to grasp the incomprehensible?

Slightly off, but somewhat on topic. You NF-emales ever meet someone who totally goes against your list, someone you seemingly despise, but can't help but be drawn to?

I know I have. Maybe not necessarily "despise", but it was a struggle.

 

[Chloe]

uch:uch:uch:
How short is "very short"?

i actually dont like putting physical characteristics on the list because i cant guarantee i wont be attracted to someone who is not physically attractive to me, but i doubt i would. I dated some unattractive guys but looking back I actually think that was one of the problems in those relationships.

to me it's under 5 7 for male. ( 170 cm )

and everybody will find part of him/herself on someone else's deal breakers list, no reason to cry

 

[Moiety]

Also, things that I had previously thought to be dealbreakers pop up in people in surprising ways that actually 'work' so then how can I say it is a universal dealbreaker? (if that makes any sense)

Actually, this is probably primarily about me not wanting to commit to any particular answer to this question...

Well I don't know about you, but as far as "judging" people is concerned...it would severely tick me off (as in I'd feel a hypocrite...but, don't get your panties in a twist...not calling you one) if I didn't like something in someone and could like it in someone else.

 

[chooi]

to me it's under 5 7 for male. ( 170 cm )

and everybody will find part of him/herself on someone else's deal breakers list, no reason to cry

I know.
I was just curious; I've come to terms with my shortness. I'm 5'5", but several taller girls I know think I'm quite cute. Probably has to do with portability.

 

[Curwhibble]

Well this is a rather interesting thread, can't say my own "list" comprises of more than human, pulse and not particularly adverse to animals I need to make a giggle list full of ideals, it looks fun XD

 

[Esoteric Wench]

i love that this is my dealbreaker. the fact that i perfectly meet the list except for this. what good is Ni that doesn't get a little fucking cosmic now and then? and try to bask in momentary glimpses of ultimate meaning?

The lady has a point. Momentary glimpses of ultimate meaning are what NFs are all about.

However, let me give an example of when such matters become deal breakers:

I have a dear male INFP friend who is into Mayan Astrology. I don't give a crap about Mayan Astrology and pretty much think it's totally bogus. (Of course, I recognize his right to have his opinion and I would never try to inflict my opinion on him.)

What drives me crazy is that every time I see him, he pulls out his astrology charts before launching into a 15 minute soliloquy. While I try to listen for a while, eventually my eyes glaze over.

Long ago, my Mayan Astrology loving INFP friend (who meets pretty much all the other requirements on my list) was routed into the friend category.

DEAL BREAKER.

 

[Moiety]

i love that this is my dealbreaker. the fact that i perfectly meet the list except for this. what good is Ni that doesn't get a little fucking cosmic now and then? and try to bask in momentary glimpses of ultimate meaning?

Sure, if they make any fucking sense. And when will people learn meaning is a subjective and personal and malleable thing?

Also, NTJs have Ni too.

 

[musicnerd93]

1. Must-haves
Sensitivity
Loyalty
Cultured
Patient
Shares my odd sense of humor
Understanding
Affectionate
Medium length hair (Not buzzed, but not goldilocks either.)
Smells good
Not afraid to be a dork with me.
Loves animals
Not afraid to express themselves emotionally
Romantic
Well-built body. Not completely whimpy, but not full-on macho muscle man either.
Likes to help other people

2. Would Like, But Not A Must
English
Scottish
Irish
Italian
Amazing artistic ability
Great writer

3. Rather not, but if I really loved them, I'd put up with
Mentally ill
Mute
Smokes
Drinks
Does drugs
Every other word out of their mouth is a swear word
Military man
Obese

4. Flat Out Deal Breakers
Insensitive
Has no sense of humor, or doesn't share mine
Emits a foul and unpleasent odor
Close minded
Hates animals
Values drinking more than he values me or family
Obsessed with sports
Beards, moustaches, goatees or any other type of facial hair
Doesn't apologize after doing something wrong, or never accepts my apologies
Obsessed with sex
Shallow
Impatient
Easily angered
Too much muscles
Thinks cheating or "swapping" is okay
Hairy
Thinks the world revovles around them

 

[Esoteric Wench]

1. Must-haves
Shares my odd sense of humor
Not afraid to be a dork with me.

Sense of humor is soooo important to me. I love these two items on musicnerd93's list.

I tend to have a very dry sense of humor. Lots of irony, sarcasm and wordplay. Good witty banter is enthralling to me.

And not being able to be a dork? Awesomeness. This shows he's comfortable enough in who he is that he can really be himself. I love it.

 

[Salomé]

Do you even know what clicking means at a neurological level? Your brain is making these lists whether you know it or not, consciously or subconsciously you do have well defined criteria.

I think that's the point. I'd rather let my subconscious do all the work. More efficient.

1. Must-haves
Sensitivity
Loyalty
Cultured
Patient
Shares my odd sense of humor
Understanding
Affectionate
Medium length hair (Not buzzed, but not goldilocks either.)
Smells good
Not afraid to be a dork with me.
Loves animals
Not afraid to express themselves emotionally
Romantic
Well-built body. Not completely whimpy, but not full-on macho muscle man either.
Likes to help other people

2. Would Like, But Not A Must
English
Scottish
Irish
Italian
Amazing artistic ability
Great writer

3. Rather not, but if I really loved them, I'd put up with
Mentally ill
Mute
Smokes
Drinks
Does drugs
Every other word out of their mouth is a swear word
Military man
Obese

4. Flat Out Deal Breakers
Insensitive
Has no sense of humor, or doesn't share mine
Emits a foul and unpleasent odor
Close minded
Hates animals
Values drinking more than he values me or family
Obsessed with sports
Beards, moustaches, goatees or any other type of facial hair
Doesn't apologize after doing something wrong, or never accepts my apologies
Obsessed with sex
Shallow
Impatient
Easily angered
Too much muscles
Thinks cheating or "swapping" is okay
Hairy
Thinks the world revovles around them

Just how are we defining shallow/close-minded out of interest?

 

[gromit]

Well I don't know about you, but as far as "judging" people is concerned...it would severely tick me off (as in I'd feel a hypocrite...but, don't get your panties in a twist...not calling you one) if I didn't like something in someone and could like it in someone else.

I guess it depends how the person pulls it off or something. For a dumb example, maybe you (generic 'you', not you specifically, Sytpg) hated how one person was perpetually late, but then the next person you date is perpetually late too, but somehow it is tremendously endearing in the second person instead of super annoying...?

That could be an awful example. I have no idea. I think it could happen, though. For me at least. Or I'm not ruling out the possibility of it happening.

And it could be that I as a person would have changed so much between the two different relationships that something that used to bother me no longer does. You know?

 

[Rebe]

Slightly off, but somewhat on topic. You NF-emales ever meet someone who totally goes against your list, someone you seemingly despise, but can't help but be drawn to?

YES. Ex-Istp had like four items on my Deal Breakers list and I still wanna be with him.

 

[Moiety]

I guess it depends how the person pulls it off or something. For a dumb example, maybe you (generic 'you', not you specifically, Sytpg) hated how one person was perpetually late, but then the next person you date is perpetually late too, but somehow it is tremendously endearing in the second person instead of super annoying...?

That could be an awful example. I have no idea. I think it could happen, though. For me at least. Or I'm not ruling out the possibility of it happening.

And it could be that I as a person would have changed so much between the two different relationships that something that used to bother me no longer does. You know?

It makes me lose faith in honesty with others and oneself really. That's why I always hate when someone says I'm cute for this or for that and that they think this is cute or that is cute.

It's cute now, but when the shit hits the fan it's no longer cute. It's insincere, it doesn't come from a place of respect and admiration.


And yes, I get your example, and that's a good one. I'd still feel like a complete hypocrite personally. But I tend to be hard on myself too so...