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  1. #331
    Professional Trickster Esoteric Wench's Avatar
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    I want to know why so many women put porn on their list of rather nots or deal breakers.

    Don't get me wrong, an unhealthy relationship with porn is... well it's just gross. I guess I never put it on my list because it's never really come up in a relationship before. Either the guy was discreet or he abstained from such dastardly activities.

    Since men have a natural biological need to... well you know what I mean... seems like an occasional porn escapade is not uncalled for.

    So where is the line? What is too much?

    (Oh, and let's keep it clean. I don't want to get this thread moved to the Sexuality & Mature Topics forum. )

  2. #332
    Senior Member Saslou's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Esoteric Wench View Post

    So where is the line? What is too much?

    (Oh, and let's keep it clean. I don't want to get this thread moved to the Sexuality & Mature Topics forum. )

    It's too much when he/she chooses it over you.

    I think it is healthy if being viewed together .. That's hot. Never had any objections over the other person looking at it, it's what they need .. But there is a line.
    “I made you take time to look at what I saw and when you took time to really notice my flower, you hung all your associations with flowers on my flower and you write about my flower as if I think and see what you think and see—and I don't.”
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  3. #333
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    To respond quickly to the nit-picking comments... Nit-picky in and of itself being a very fluid, personally-defined word... I find that rarely when you compromise on the beginning of a relationship does it work out. Compromise has seemed to work best after the relationship is already established. Compromising before a relationship even starts is a fine line you're walking.. you could easily be lying to the person. "I'm okay with this... for now." If you're not okay with something, better to say it up front than later on when you've already soiled a chance to have that person in your life for who they are and appreciate them for who they are.

    Being one that stays single when men don't fit my little list of things, I've been single most of my mature, dating life. But the two times I ever compromise and went against the general sense of "these are bad, warning flags guys" instincts and tried to compromise for the sakes of being open and giving things a chance, it's ended up hurting potentially good friendships. While i might have gotten along with those men just fine as a friend, we were not compatible. I can't help liking what I like.. and I don't want to be unhappy in exchange for taking people into consideration.

    Understanding that this list is not a list of what constitutes a friendship for me, I think I'm entitled to be as nit-picky as I want.. There's not much point in a relationship if it isn't exactly what you want. You hurt yourself, and you hurt others by lying to yourself. It's good for no one. I have plenty of friends where they're amazing people. and I love them. But I'd rather jump off the nearest cliff than date them. They aren't right for me in that way.. but it doesn't make them bad people, or even wrong. They're fine as they are.

    This list isn't a list of judgement. It's a list of what I need. What good is a relationship with someone if they cannot provide me what I need?

    Quote Originally Posted by onceuponatime View Post
    Well IMO they're a bit unrealistic and I find it to be a turnoff. Nobody has to agree with me, I didn't mean to offend anyone, it's just what I think about it. Now you can all calm down and go back to being self-absorbed.
    It's sorta counter productive to say "You're insertinsulthere, no offense." No need for fakepologies.

    You can't really fault people for the things you're readily willing do yourself.

    Quote Originally Posted by Abstract Thinker View Post
    I'm really a "vibe" person with a totally open mind, but if I was ever to make a list for potential women, I think it would look a lot like the lists you ladies are making. I couldn't help noticing that.
    I really find myself to be vibe oriented as well. Sometimes my vibes are wrong, but I've also had the best relationships, both friendships and relationships, from vibe-based senses.

    Quote Originally Posted by Esoteric Wench View Post
    I want to know why so many women put porn on their list of rather nots or deal breakers.
    You'll find porn not even remotely on my list.. It varies for me. I'm okay with it... but preferring it over relations irl might pose some problems. It has for me in the past, with myself being sexually starved because the SO was a bit addicted. Even with the past mishaps though, I still think it's a tool that can when used properly can aid a relationship's..er.. relations.
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  4. #334
    Babylon Candle Venom's Avatar
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    these lists are RIDICULOUS

    I think my own list has exactly 5 things...sure, there are many things I might "think" I would prefer, but there are only 5 things that "must be".

    I actually heard on the radio about this book some woman journalist wrote recently about the most common deal breakers/requirements for a second date. She found that men had about 3 on average (usually being: cute 'enough', kind, interesting to talk to). She found that the women had, on average, about 300 different deal breakers/requirements!!! hahaha.

  5. #335
    Senior Member Phoenix_400's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Babylon Candle View Post
    these lists are RIDICULOUS

    I think my own list has exactly 5 things...sure, there are many things I might "think" I would prefer, but there are only 5 things that "must be".

    I actually heard on the radio about this book some woman journalist wrote recently about the most common deal breakers/requirements for a second date. She found that men had about 3 on average (usually being: cute 'enough', kind, interesting to talk to). She found that the women had, on average, about 300 different deal breakers/requirements!!! hahaha.
    This is the journalist and her book that you are referring to:
    Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough - by Lori Gottlieb.
    Amazon.com: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough (9780525951513): Lori Gottlieb: Books

    I actually have this book. The article that spawned it was posted in the relationship or mature section here and I ripped into the article for the very feminist and bitter tone it had to it. Picked up the book she wrote after that where she explored the topic more and was pleasantly surprised at the different (less bitter, more inquisitive) tone and way she openly analyzed viewpoints that were obviously very different from what she previously believed. I had read good reviews of it but was expecting more of the same as her article. My curiosity got the better of me and I had to read it though. I actually highly recommend that book to people now.
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  6. #336
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    Would Prefer a Man to Be/Have:

    Relaxed
    Patient
    Loving
    Deep
    Compatible Sense of Humour
    Can 'Ne' with me.

    I Would Have to Adjust to:

    Loudness
    Being Anal Retentive

    Could not Be With:

    Someone who was Naturally Argumentitive
    Someone who was Vain/Conceited
    Someone who had really bad Hygene

  7. #337
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    1. must-haves
    - mutual affection
    - empathy
    - ambition
    - global awareness
    - education (yes, i'm elitist)
    - sense of humor that complements mine
    - mbti j, for my own sanity and our dignity as a couple we cannot both be p
    - a job

    2. rather-nots
    - smoking
    - very hairy
    - introversion
    - veganism

    3. deal-breakers
    - huge age diff
    - bad hygiene
    - scientology

    i like the conceited ones, someone needs to simultaneously praise and knock them down

    i think these lists are funny to generate and share. and honestly, there are so many people in the world, why would i settle for someone who wouldn't contribute something i really want out of a relationship? i believe in commitment and compromise within a relationship, but knowing my limits from the get-go drastically lowers the chances of negative relationships or nasty breakups, which is good for eryyybody

    incidentally, porn is nowhere on my list. i even... dun dun dun... watch it sometimes myself

  8. #338
    Professional Trickster Esoteric Wench's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    - mbti j, for my own sanity and our dignity as a couple we cannot both be p
    You said it sister! The "our dignity as a couple" thing made me crack up.

    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    - scientology
    If I too heartily agree with you on this one, my Fi tells me to be careful of being too judgmental. Then my Te kicks in and tells me that I shouldn't be afraid of declaring Scientology as nutso. This also made me laugh.

    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    i like the conceited ones, someone needs to simultaneously praise and knock them down
    I like this, too. I found this very interesting that you said this because I don't think I'd consciously articulated this to myself before. A little arrogance on occasion is endearing. But it's only as endearing if he displays an appropriate amount of humility when I unabashedly call him on his crap.

    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    incidentally, porn is nowhere on my list. i even... dun dun dun... watch it sometimes myself
    Good for you! You're braver and more forthright than I.

  9. #339
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Esoteric Wench View Post
    I like this, too. I found this very interesting that you said this because I don't think I'd consciously articulated this to myself before. A little arrogance on occasion is endearing. But it's only as endearing if he displays an appropriate amount of humility when I unabashedly call him on his crap.

    Ah yes, the ever volatile propriety that is cuteness. This reminded of the "why relationships don't work" thread. I think people don't stop to logically understand why they like somethings in someone. And don't stop to think if after years and years together they would still like that. And don't stop to think if it's something they would still respect in that person if they were not in love with them.

  10. #340
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FalseHeartDothKnow View Post
    Would Prefer a Man to Be/Have:

    Relaxed
    Patient
    Loving
    Deep
    Compatible Sense of Humour
    Can 'Ne' with me.

    I Would Have to Adjust to:

    Loudness
    Being Anal Retentive

    Could not Be With:

    Someone who was Naturally Argumentitive
    Someone who was Vain/Conceited
    Someone who had really bad Hygene
    This is probably the closest one I match up to so far.
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