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  1. #91
    Professional Trickster Esoteric Wench's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EffEmDoubleyou View Post
    Currently crossing NF women off list of people who will put up with me.
    Now don't do that. I love most of the INTJ guys I know.

  2. #92
    Junior Member alexshippee's Avatar
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    Must haves

    -A sense of humor
    -a job
    -open mindedness
    -Someone who gives me my space.
    -Oh, and I like nice hands.


    Deal Breakers
    -Someone who always wears running shoes/sneakers.
    -Someone who is an alcoholic/drug addict.
    -Someone who is always sentimental and like, lovey dovey.
    -Someone who needs to hang out all the time.

  3. #93
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Phoenix_400 View Post
    There are some superficial things on the lists here in the 'must haves' and 'deal-breakers' sections. Again, not as many as I've seen in others, but they're there.

    Actually, most of what I'm seeing is more blanket statements that nix a whole lot of guys when it could've been just a bad experience with ONE particular person in that category (but then, as they say, "one bad apple...")or perhaps a lack of proper education or a biased opinion of one particular topic.

    I could go through and point out some specifics (and its tempting), but I really don't want turn this thread into something its not.

    Personally, I like Saslou's attitude. Maybe because its more in line with how guys approach a potential relationship, I dunno. Just the fact that its more like recognizing that people are INDIVIDUALS with their own set of strengths and flaws, opinions, experiences, character, and reasoning. You can always give it chance and take some time to really feel a person out, then bail if your 'character judge radar' starts pinging red flags. It takes time to really get to know someone, and you may find that initial perceptions may not have been correct.

    I've met several women who were not initially that attractive to me or something threw a small blip on the radar. I would be uninterested or slightly more cautious, but as time went on and I learned more about them and as I got to know them, they became more and more attractive until I simply adored them. I discovered that blip was a false positive. Some people have been through some really bad stuff, maybe they're still working on some things, but you learn the progress they've made and what they've been through and realize that they really are amazing people.

    Not saying this is always the case. There's been some where its just been "WARNING! WARNING! DISENGAGE IMMEDIATELY!!!", but the possibility for the other has happened and could happen at any time.
    I will concede that if a person really won't give someone that violates a minor, superficial criteria a chance they are shooting themselves in the foot. Maybe I have more confidence in people's ability to be open-minded when it is to their own benefit than I ought to.

    Honestly, what I've seen a whole lot more of (and maybe it's a result of my social class) is women who give men chances that obviously have had way too many chances. They think the guy that has been a jerk and a looser his whole life is going to magically change or that they are somehow different than the previous women in a way that will evoke different treatment from the guy. They have no real evidence of this change except that the guy is acting nice to them. -- right now.

    Doesn't take too long for the abuse to start and not long after that for them to start having to ask friends and family for diaper money. By then, the guy is in their head and it takes years to extricate themselves, unless he's already moved on to greener pastures -- pastures that don't involve providing for the children left behind.

    Most of these women's friends and loved ones could have told them very early on how things were going to play out -- probably tried to tell them how it was going to play out, possibly begged them not to get involved with the guy. All the warning signs were there for anyone to see, but they wouldn't see or hear it from anyone else. Love conquers all or something like that, I guess. :rolli:
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
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  4. #94
    Professional Trickster Esoteric Wench's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by alexshippee View Post

    Deal Breakers
    -Someone who always wears running shoes/sneakers.
    Now THAT was funny!

  5. #95
    #005645 phthalocyanine's Avatar
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    also: socks and sandals

    Quote Originally Posted by Esoteric Wench View Post
    phthalocyanine, I LOVED this list. I thought it very evocative, and you made some GREAT POINTS! I highlighted my favorites in blue.

    Awww... now I think my list sucked. I may have to post a new one.
    oh, thanks! glad you liked the blahblahblah

    "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.."
    -Oscar Wilde



  6. #96
    The Memes Justify the End EcK's Avatar
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    My question would be, did some of you guys have a hard look at ourselves and wondered if you actually had anything to offer to guys displaying the qualities you expect?
    Expression of the post modern paradox : "For the love of god, religions are so full of shit"

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  7. #97
    Senior Member Phoenix_400's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    I will concede that if a person really won't give someone that violates a minor, superficial criteria a chance they are shooting themselves in the foot. Maybe I have more confidence in people's ability to be open-minded when it is to their own benefit than I ought to.

    Honestly, what I've seen a whole lot more of (and maybe it's a result of my social class) is women who give men chances that obviously have had way too many chances. They think the guy that has been a jerk and a looser his whole life is going to magically change or that they are somehow different than the previous women in a way that will evoke different treatment from the guy. They have no real evidence of this change except that the guy is acting nice to them. -- right now.

    Doesn't take too long for the abuse to start and not long after that for them to start having to ask friends and family for diaper money. By then, the guy is in their head and it takes years to extricate themselves, unless he's already moved on to greener pastures -- pastures that don't involve providing for the children left behind.

    Most of these women's friends and loved ones could have told them very early on how things were going to play out -- probably tried to tell them how it was going to play out, possibly begged them not to get involved with the guy. All the warning signs were there for anyone to see, but they wouldn't see or hear it from anyone else. Love conquers all or something like that, I guess. :rolli:
    I've seen very similar in the past and in areas I grew up. Small southern towns, women who have their self-esteem crushed and they stay in abusive relationships. Its always boggled my mind or been very disheartening to me.

    My view on it is that many women suffer from something very similar to the 'white knight' syndrome that many guys get accused of (and is a trap I've unfortunately fallen into in the past). People want to know that they've earned a special place in someone's heart and so go after 'project men'. What better way to feel special than to be the one to change a guy when no other woman could? Not saying its logical, but that does seem to be where a bit of it comes from.

    Some women get stuck on that idea or feeling of 'Twue Wuv' and just lose every lick of common sense they ever had.

    Then you've got guys who suck a woman in and become extremely controlling, cut the woman off from friends/family, are abusive, make a woman believe that she can't survive without him. Its self-esteem destroying and its just all around messed up.

    Some of the lists here have done a very good job of pointing out dealbreakers that are quite legitimate for helping avoid abusive men, those are the good lists. Some of the stuff is just off base though. There's some things you just can't know until you observe how they treat their family/friends, attitude towards strangers, and reactions in high stress situations. There's plenty of guys out there who, while they can be aggressive, will take the time to find healthy venting for their anger. They would never abuse their lady, but they will go several rounds with a punching bag when they get pissed. Some people don't take in to account how others handle their anger, they simple look at the fact that the anger is there.

    On the flip side (and this has always driven me nuts): You've got a lot of women out there who say they won't stand for a man to abuse them but won't hesitate to slap a guy across the face, throw things at him, and basically just provoke the crap out of him. The excuse is usually something along the lines of "He's a man, he can take it", "I'm a girl, its not like I can hit him hard enough to hurt", etc. They forget that its not the physical pain that's the issue but the emotional pain of having a loved one taking out their anger on you. Most of what I see is verbal abuse on the woman's part. They'll emasculate their man in public, call him stupid, damage his self-esteem, but would walk out the door if he ever showed the same behavior. The double standard is alarming.

    All in all though, I'll usually give somebody a chance. I don't have any 'deal-breakers' like on these lists, but I do have warning signs that'll put me on guard. There's a couple that are instant 'Aw Hell Naw! I'm out!'s (usually glaring personality flaws, not just stereotyping). The vast majority though, I'm willing to hang around long enough to see if the behavior is consistent or if the person is willing to learn and/or is actively seeking help for the issue.

    For me its more of putting trust in my ability to judge someone's character and staying open to listening to and/or entrusting my friends to slap my head back on straight if they notice something I may be blinded to. Not to say my friends are always on point or that I'm the best judge of character, but I'll at least take their words into consideration and pay closer attention and I'm fairly confident in my own reasoning abilities and can usually admit when I've screwed up.

    (LOL! I just realized, I probably trust my dog's judgment on people more than my friends. There's only one person he's instantly disliked, and I know the guy well enough to know it was with good reason. The rest of the time he's a total attention whore to everyone he meets...Not to say its a deal-breaker if my dog doesn't like you, but I'll be watching somebody like a hawk for a while if he doesn't)
    "People in glass houses shouldn't use Windex when living near bird sanctuaries."- myself

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    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  8. #98
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by saslou View Post
    What if a man who was not highly educated, on a low income, short and bold showed interest in you, would you dismiss him because he didn't fit your criteria even though he could of potentially treated you like a queen, been fiercely loyal and had a high EQ.
    Re. the bolded piece, I don't particularly want to be treated like a queen or doted on, honestly. (Although
    I realize you're just talking about the principle of the matter. )

    I'd much rather have a connection on all levels - intellectual, emotional, physical - than lack a connection on an integral level. And it's having all of these levels met that are why I want to be in the relationship in the first place. I don't want to be with any old guy just because he happened to be enamoured with me. What if I don't see him in the same light?

    And, I think that's what these lists are about, in the end: What is each NF, as an *individual*, seeking out of a relationship? Granted, some of the items may appear superficial, but I would imagine that there is a lot of stuff (values, etc) underlying the apparent superficialness. A good 'reason', in other words, for why each thing is on the list, even if to the outsider, yes, an individual thing might appear superficial.

    I think it's a little strange to be getting up in arms about peoples' lists; I mean, we're all different, everyone has their own quirks/desires out of a partner. (and I'm not directing this comment at you, saslou - there are several in the thread)

    Yes, keeping to these lists to the extreme, and to the letter, might mean the person will write off a very good person, but honestly most people make these lists from a combo of experience, as well as their own values and what they're personally desiring, and most probably do flex.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  9. #99
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    When people are deliberately mean and enjoy hurting other people, I can't get close to them. I don't hate them, but I don't trust them, and perhaps feel a little cautiously sorry for them. If they hurt people by mistake, then that is different, and I don't have a problem with it.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
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    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

  10. #100
    Senior Member Rebe's Avatar
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    1. Must Haves
    - Intelligent/Likes to Think
    - Humor/Wittiness/Sarcasm
    - Love of children/animals
    - Integrity/High Personal Responsibility and Self-Control
    - Interesting/Creative/Innovative
    - Passionate about something
    - Must have Principles (of some kind)
    - Calm and steady

    3. Deal Breakers
    - Complete slob
    - Smoker
    - More than occasional recreational drug user
    - Republican
    - Religious
    - Gambler
    - Lack of sympathy/empathy/understanding
    - Obesity
    - Abusive
    - Bad temper
    - Cold
    - Irresponsible/Reckless
    - Commitment = Scary
    - Over emotional/Over sentimental
    - Over Ten Years Older
    - Racist

    Uhm. That's it. I think. Though I don't deny I am capable of being swept off my list by passion. And that's not for dating/fun, that's my Forever List. Muahaha.

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