User Tag List

12 Last

Results 1 to 10 of 16

  1. #1
    Junior Member Mr Snuggles's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    5

    Default INFJ needing help

    Hey I've taken multiple tests and I'm definitely INFJ. Looking at various posts on this forum I've noticed that people talk about the "unhealthy INFJ" and I seem to fall right into this category.

    I don't have many friends because I find it hard to be outgoing and confident that others will like me. I generally worry that they will not like how I act, what I say, my opinions on things and my general personality. I worry that I'll end up being "that guy" that everyone finds annoying. I'm also not very good at banter, because of my low self-esteem I take any banter as thinly veiled criticism as I belief there has to be a reason why they just joked that I am lets say unfriendly or they wouldn't have said it. I start to think maybe thats why people don't like me and close my self off more.

    The friends I have are close friends that I've had for a fairly long time. I find it hard to open up to new friends because I feel almost out of practice of making friends.

    The thing is I want more friends and I like socialising but I can't open myself up enough and stop worrying about what others think about me to do it.

  2. #2
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Posts
    5,619

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Snuggles View Post
    Hey I've taken multiple tests and I'm definitely INFJ. Looking at various posts on this forum I've noticed that people talk about the "unhealthy INFJ" and I seem to fall right into this category.

    I don't have many friends because I find it hard to be outgoing and confident that others will like me. I generally worry that they will not like how I act, what I say, my opinions on things and my general personality. I worry that I'll end up being "that guy" that everyone finds annoying. I'm also not very good at banter, because of my low self-esteem I take any banter as thinly veiled criticism as I belief there has to be a reason why they just joked that I am lets say unfriendly or they wouldn't have said it. I start to think maybe thats why people don't like me and close my self off more.

    The friends I have are close friends that I've had for a fairly long time. I find it hard to open up to new friends because I feel almost out of practice of making friends.

    The thing is I want more friends and I like socialising but I can't open myself up enough and stop worrying about what others think about me to do it.
    No one is going to reject 'Mr Snuggles'...or they will have me to contend with! Okay that was weird that I wrote that. It is always dangerous for me to post when I haven't had enough coffee.

    You sound so much like an INFJ friend of mine. And it it breaks my heart because he has so much to offer other people.

    Many times I come here to read in the morning when I just woke up. I am going to shake the cob-webs from my head and come back to to write more. But I wanted you to know immediately that I understand and that I am here and that I know you can and will overcome this. It is obvious you will in my mind's eye. I will 'talk' to you soon.

  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2010
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Posts
    381

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Snuggles View Post

    The friends I have are close friends that I've had for a fairly long time. I find it hard to open up to new friends because I feel almost out of practice of making friends.

    The thing is I want more friends and I like socialising but I can't open myself up enough and stop worrying about what others think about me to do it.
    I can relate to part of this. I've had the same small group of friends my entire life. I don't typically socialize outside of that group unless it's just casual. I don't know you so any advice I give will be superficial at best.... but personally I try not to worry too much what other people are going to think of me. Especially being that I am lucky to have a loyal group of great friends that already know who I am.. for me that takes the pressure off when I am forced to socialize outside of my circle...

    I don't really feel like I have to tailor myself to fit what anyone else might think of me. My advice is to go out there and be yourself and stop worrying if people will like you for it. You'll have to try to lighten up a bit, you can't punish other people for whatever shortcomings you've perceived in yourself. Some people like to joke around and things, if you don't like that just ask them to give you a break and explain why... if they're not assholes they should be willing to back off, and maybe once you get to know them and they get to know you better the joking won't bother you so much. Again, I don't know you, but my guess is you're probably being too hard on yourself.

    good luck.

    Edit: by the way cool name! I have a teddy bear that my older brother gave me when I was like 5 called Snuggles. It actually looks exactly like the bear in the fabric softner commercials which makes it even funnier.

  4. #4
    Junior Member Mr Snuggles's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    5

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by StarryKnights View Post
    No one is going to reject 'Mr Snuggles'...or they will have me to contend with! Okay that was weird that I wrote that. It is always dangerous for me to post when I haven't had enough coffee.

    You sound so much like an INFJ friend of mine. And it it breaks my heart because he has so much to offer other people.

    Many times I come here to read in the morning when I just woke up. I am going to shake the cob-webs from my head and come back to to write more. But I wanted you to know immediately that I understand and that I am here and that I know you can and will overcome this. It is obvious you will in my mind's eye. I will 'talk' to you soon.
    I'm looking forward to talking to you!

    Quote Originally Posted by spin-1/2-nuclei View Post
    I can relate to part of this. I've had the same small group of friends my entire life. I don't typically socialize outside of that group unless it's just casual. I don't know you so any advice I give will be superficial at best.... but personally I try not to worry too much what other people are going to think of me. Especially being that I am lucky to have a loyal group of great friends that already know who I am.. for me that takes the pressure off when I am forced to socialize outside of my circle...

    I don't really feel like I have to tailor myself to fit what anyone else might think of me. My advice is to go out there and be yourself and stop worrying if people will like you for it. You'll have to try to lighten up a bit, you can't punish other people for whatever shortcomings you've perceived in yourself. Some people like to joke around and things, if you don't like that just ask them to give you a break and explain why... if they're not assholes they should be willing to back off, and maybe once you get to know them and they get to know you better the joking won't bother you so much. Again, I don't know you, but my guess is you're probably being too hard on yourself.

    good luck.

    Edit: by the way cool name! I have a teddy bear that my older brother gave me when I was like 5 called Snuggles. It actually looks exactly like the bear in the fabric softner commercials which makes it even funnier.
    Thanks for the advice and thanks for the compliment on the name! I find it hard to get over not worrying about what people thing and I have been trying for a while now. I think I'm getting better.

    A problem I suffer (that I admittedly didn't make clear in first post) is that while I'm happy with my circle of friends, these friends all have other friends whereas I don't and they've started to notice that I lack the social skills most people have. They joke that I'm autistic (I happen to be good at maths) when I'm really not, I'm just shy.

    I don't dislike social situations, I just feel very nervous because I believe that the person I'm talking to won't like me for what I'm saying, or might find me annoying and even if they are acting nice during the conversation they might just be being polite when actually they hate talking to me.

  5. #5
    Symbolic Herald Vasilisa's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Posts
    4,128

    Default

    Hi Mr Snuggles. I applaud you on your courage to open up and post this. I relate to what you said about wanting to meet and interact with new people but finding it hard to get yourself out there. I'm sorry you face so much anxiety about it. It is interesting for me to consider myself in your shoes for a minute. Growing up my family relocated frequently and that forced me to be with new people in unfamiliar situations. Felt like I was always a stranger and my peers were always strangers to me. It was not easy, but there is something to be said for getting through that. The experience builds and it becomes a kind of body of work.

    Have you ever heard of therapists who treat people with anxiety disorders by exposing them to what causes the anxiety? Its supposed to take them to the source of their anxiety and make them sit with that anxiety and realize it isn't as catastrophic as they feared. Supposedly the anxiety lessens with the exposures.

    What I'm getting at is I wonder if you required yourself to step out of your comfort zone to interact with people, you might slowly start to realize that you can engage in witty repartee with new people, you can open yourself up and not be attacked or shunned, and you are someone people would like to become friends with. I'm not saying you ought to go to a massive summer festival and act like someone you are not to find new buddies. I just wonder if maybe in low key ways (and maybe with your dear friends help, too) you could get to conversing with new people without your fears overcoming you and making you shut down or flee. To do this, you may have to open up to your friends (I know its hard to do) and explain you are naturally shy and its part of your innate nature, but its starting to make you feel anxiety. If you told them what you are struggling with sincerely, I would hope they would stop the teasing and want to help you. What do you think? I feel for you and I just don't know of any easy shortcut way to becoming socially confident.
    the formless thing which gives things form!
    Found Forum Haiku Project


    Positive Spin | your feedback welcomed | Darker Criticism

  6. #6
    Permabanned
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    ISFP
    Enneagram
    6w7 sx
    Socionics
    SEE Fi
    Posts
    25,301

    Default

    I love that your name is Mr.Snuggles.

  7. #7
    From the Undertow CuriousFeeling's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    MBTI
    INfJ
    Enneagram
    4w5 sp/sx
    Socionics
    EII
    Posts
    3,456

    Default

    As an INFJ that went through the "people probably don't like me" negative self-talk throughout school, I feel compelled to give you some advice that I found helpful for me:

    Worrying about what people think of you will only cause more negative self-talk. Negative self talk usually arises from two factors: high sensitivity and low self-esteem. If anything, boosting your self-esteem will help you to manage sensitivity with others. Think about positive traits that you have that you think that others will like. Let these positive qualities come out little by little.

    Don't let that negative self-talk get the best of you.

    "No matter what you have to learn to live with who you are."
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

    Johari/Nohari

    “Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings -- always darker, emptier and simpler.”
    ― Friedrich Nietzsche




  8. #8
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    4
    Socionics
    IEI
    Posts
    270

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Vasilisa View Post
    What I'm getting at is I wonder if you required yourself to step out of your comfort zone to interact with people, you might slowly start to realize that you can engage in witty repartee with new people, you can open yourself up and not be attacked or shunned, and you are someone people would like to become friends with. I'm not saying you ought to go to a massive summer festival and act like someone you are not to find new buddies.
    I totally agree. Sometimes, if you make something a requirement, or (I hate to say this) a chore, then you're almost psyching yourself up to do it. When I was younger, I used to dare myself to make friends. That's how I found my friends.

    The fact that you had the courage to post this tells me you can do it. I know you have a genuine interest in people (INFJs, what can we do? Hehe.) so at one point, you're gonna get there.

    As for the nagging thought/fear that people may not like you, all I can say is that only you can comfort yourself in the knowledge that, in meeting people, you will be nothing but yourself, entirely. What they choose to do with that is up to them.
    Yes, I take it with no cream and no sugar.

    And yes, some of us drink it bitter.

  9. #9
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Posts
    5,619

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Snuggles View Post
    I don't have many friends because I find it hard to be outgoing and confident that others will like me. I generally worry that they will not like how I act, what I say, my opinions on things and my general personality.

    The thing is I want more friends and I like socialising but I can't open myself up enough and stop worrying about what others think about me to do it.
    Okay…I’ve had enough coffee. Now I’m ready to respond.‎


    Oh Mr. Snuggles - I am so sorry it took me such a long to get back to you. My life has been a bit ‎overwhelming lately and I had no idea, at the time of my original response to you, that the last ‎few days would end up being so hectic. Again, forgive me. I hope you are still around to see ‎that I did in fact return. You came across like such a special person to me in your writing. Like I ‎said, soon you may have more friends than you will know what to do with!‎

    It seems like several individuals have provided you some wonderful advice already.‎

    Let me share with you a little of the ‘Extravert wisdom’ though… ‎

    I have never, ever, ever met another person, that when pressed, doesn’t admit to some feelings of ‎inadequacy in social situations. And it can be any number of things that has them concerned. ‎Believing they are too good looking or not good looking enough. Too smart, too stupid, too rich, ‎too poor…and so on. People just want to be liked, appreciated, accepted…‎

    So how do you make friends? Demonstrate to someone that you like, appreciate and accept ‎them. Seriously, you do have to have clever conversation and/or witty things to say. This I ‎promise you. All you need to do in a social situation when interacting with a new-person-soon-‎to-be-friend is:‎
    ‎1.) Listen with interest (people love to talk about themselves if they feel you are interested). 2.) ‎Smile 3.) Ask questions (this keeps the conversation going/you learn about the person/and ‎demonstrates interest) and 4.) Give sincere compliments (like – ‘That is amazing that you did ‎that!’ or ‘You seem like such an adventurous person!’)‎

    If the other person asks you a question and you are still feeling shy or are not ready to open up it is ‎okay to say something like ‘I’ve never done anything like that before’…and then quickly ask ‎them another question about their experience. If you are leaving a social situation and want to ‎contact the person again you can say…’I know I’m going to have more questions about such-‎and-such…what’s your email?’‎

    What I’m trying to get at here is that you don’t really HAVE to do anything in the beginning ‎other than the things I outlined above. If you are able to make someone feel truly ‎appreciated…you will have a friend for life – if YOU want them and if YOU feel they are ‎worthy of your friendship. As the friendship evolves…you can begin to open up and share ‎things about yourself when you are feeling more comfortable/less shy.‎

    You don’t have to focus on yourself so much. Especially if you remember that everyone is ‎feeling the same nervousness – some may just be better at disguising that fact.‎

    I also wanted to say that it is a good thing to be concerned about what other people think. But ‎you can’t think for them. Let them tell you what they think and feel. You just keep asking the ‎questions until such a time you feel comfortable enough to do some more talking.‎

  10. #10
    Professional Trickster Esoteric Wench's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    7w8
    Posts
    950

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Snuggles View Post
    Hey I've taken multiple tests and I'm definitely INFJ. Looking at various posts on this forum I've noticed that people talk about the "unhealthy INFJ" and I seem to fall right into this category.

    I don't have many friends because I find it hard to be outgoing and confident that others will like me. I generally worry that they will not like how I act, what I say, my opinions on things and my general personality. I worry that I'll end up being "that guy" that everyone finds annoying. I'm also not very good at banter, because of my low self-esteem I take any banter as thinly veiled criticism as I belief there has to be a reason why they just joked that I am lets say unfriendly or they wouldn't have said it. I start to think maybe thats why people don't like me and close my self off more.

    The friends I have are close friends that I've had for a fairly long time. I find it hard to open up to new friends because I feel almost out of practice of making friends.

    The thing is I want more friends and I like socialising but I can't open myself up enough and stop worrying about what others think about me to do it.
    Hi Mr. Snuggles. (I love your name. Very evocative.) You're among friends here. I've made so many friends on this forum so this is a great start to pursuing your stated goal of making new friends.

    Sometimes I have feel like it's hard for me to make friends, too. That may sound strange because ENFPs can engage inanimate objects in conversation, but just because I talk to someone doesn't mean I let them in my inner circle. It doesn't mean that I open up my heart to them. Also, one of the things that INFJs and ENFPs have in common is dominant Intuition... which can make us feel different than the statistical mainstream. So we have these things in common.

    So you are NOT alone! I'm looking forward to getting to know you better as you become involved in this forum.

Similar Threads

  1. [ENFP] INFJ NEEDS HELP FIGURING OUT THIS VERY VERY PUZZLING ENFP!
    By astalafiesta in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 02-04-2017, 01:16 PM
  2. [INFJ] Need INFJ's help (Please!)
    By The Librarian in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 09-30-2011, 09:16 PM
  3. [INFJ] ENFP crush on INFJ need your help...
    By hermeticdancer in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 57
    Last Post: 11-08-2010, 01:33 PM
  4. INFJ Needs Help Identifying Classmate!
    By BMEF in forum What's my Type?
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 11-20-2009, 06:14 PM
  5. [INFJ] Need help understanding my INFJ mom.
    By deleyd in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 04-29-2009, 09:07 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO