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  1. #1
    `~~Philosoflying~~` SillySapienne's Avatar
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    Default Emotional Sensitivity :(

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    Hi, fellow NFs, or more generally, fellow Fs, how do you deal with this?

    Earlier today I was thinking about starting a thread entitled, "Being Emotionally Infected Sucks!"

    But then, I decided to broaden the topic to just plain ol' emotional sensitivity.

    What a blessing, what a curse...

    I am so easily affected by others' emotional states, it's bothersome and frustrating at times.

    Are you?

    And, depending on the the amplitude/depth of the emotional state/energy emulated/expelled, or on the relationship I have with the person, the effects can be lasting and severe. :sad:

    It's like I can never be alone, or rather, feel alone.

    All of these people in my life, passer byers, family members, significant others, friends, etc. When I come into contact with them, I receive their energy, be it positive or negative, I can't close this channel, I just receive it.

    And, it is the negative energy that seems to linger the most, and it's not *mine* it's theirs but I feel it, and it weighs on me.

    I dunno, call it the burden of unchecked empathy, or the burden of caring.

    How do you create emotional distance while still caring about someone you love when they happen to be in a negative place?

    I can do this, sometimes, but it is a difficult task, indeed.

    And, when I am fragile, and sensitive myself, I find that I am even MORE susceptible to others' feelings.

    I just want everyone to be okay, I want everyone to be happy, content.

    But this is an unrealistic desire, and it is selfish, because when others are happy, they are easier or more pleasant to deal with. :/

    And, I know that I am guilty of emotionally infecting others, :sad: never by choice, though, since age twelve, I've opted for quarantining myself off from others whenever I happen to be in a bad place.

    But, I can't really do that so much anymore, my current job, relationship status, and familial one are such that I am immersed amongst people constantly.

    Right now, I am alone, which is nice.

    And, when I am with my mother and she is happy, I fill up with immense joy.

    And, when I am physically with my boyfriend, thank god, something about our energies complement each other, and I, for the most part, feel happy, at peace, free, full of love and warmth.

    As a caregiver though, with an 85 year old patient with not only Dementia but a pretty bad case of depression, too, and I happen to live with her for four days a week, fuckaduckasaurus, this can be so very tough.

    At this point in our relationship, I not only love her, but I care deeply for her, and her perpetual down-in-the-dumps mood brings me dooooooowwwnnnn!!!

    But, even with her, when I make her happy, when I hear her laugh, this brings me so much joy!!!

    But with her progressive disease, this happens less and less.

    But I digress...

    All of these people in my monkey-sphere, a swirling nebulous of existence and emotion, and I feel it all.

    Sometimes being a feeler sucks.

    Thoughts?

    `
    'Cause you can't handle me...

    "A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. The truth is the truth even if nobody believes it." - David Stevens

    "That that is, is. That that is not, is not. Is that it? It is."

    Veritatem dies aperit

    Ride si sapis

    Intelligentle sparkles

  2. #2
    Senior Member Scott N Denver's Avatar
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    One thought is to think of emotional capitol as like money or any other finite resource, you only have so much of it so if some of it gets "spent" [presumably against your will, but not necessarily so] then its not available to be spent elsewhere. Fort example, for me, I'm very strict that many of my coworkers are not allowed *any* of my emotional capitol. Of course, they are INTJ's so its not like they give me any of their emotional capitol anyways, so I don't feel so bad about that.

    It's funny, I deal with situations that drive other INTJ's nuts trying to deal with stuff, and something I';ve told people and they pointed out they heard form amny others is "Its funny, I tried caring, cuz thats just how I am, and I *always* ended up getting hurt because of it. So then I worked on not caring, and that made things hurt much less. Realistically, many of these situational details are beyond my control anyways, so there is no point in identifying with them, but man, yeah no longer caring has really made a *world* of difference for me."

    As NFP we tend to have good intentions and don't understand why the rest of the world doesn't, or can't, follow suit. BUt the simple reality is that regardless of whatever we may do, and regardless of whatever we may idealistically desire, much of the world doesn't operate from the perspective that we do, and for me it keeps coming back to this "emotional capitol" metaphour.

    Fwiw, some people talk about having their moods changed when in large public gatherings and such. Usually, for me, that doesn't affect me too much [usually cuz most people are just ignoring most other people, so there isn't as much interaction in that sense], its work places that REALLY affect me. NTJ-land is NOT a good places for NFP's to be.

    I hope that helps some.

  3. #3
    `~~Philosoflying~~` SillySapienne's Avatar
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    Also, when I can't make people feel better, I feel awful.

    Or, in the instances when I've ever made people feel worse, :sad:^infinity, I feel like a complete and utter, worthless shithead.

    I know it is not my job or responsibility to make others feel happy, but I can't help it, I always feel like I am letting people I love down when I can't bring them up.

    My mother's influence is integral to this, both genetically, and environmentally speaking.

    I've always been her beacon of hope, I've always been the one to cheer her up when she'd lock herself in her closet to cry when I was a child. :sad:

    I just feel guilty.

    Like I am doing something wrong when the people I love are not happy/doing well.

    Grrrrrr + sigh, I dunno...
    `
    'Cause you can't handle me...

    "A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. The truth is the truth even if nobody believes it." - David Stevens

    "That that is, is. That that is not, is not. Is that it? It is."

    Veritatem dies aperit

    Ride si sapis

    Intelligentle sparkles

  4. #4
    `~~Philosoflying~~` SillySapienne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scott N Denver View Post
    One thought is to think of emotional capitol as like money or any other finite resource, you only have so much of it so if some of it gets "spent" [presumably against your will, but not necessarily so] then its not available to be spent elsewhere. Fort example, for me, I'm very strict that many of my coworkers are not allowed *any* of my emotional capitol. Of course, they are INTJ's so its not like they give me any of their emotional capitol anyways, so I don't feel so bad about that.

    It's funny, I deal with situations that drive other INTJ's nuts trying to deal with stuff, and something I';ve told people and they pointed out they heard form amny others is "Its funny, I tried caring, cuz thats just how I am, and I *always* ended up getting hurt because of it. So then I worked on not caring, and that made things hurt much less. Realistically, many of these situational details are beyond my control anyways, so there is no point in identifying with them, but man, yeah no longer caring has really made a *world* of difference for me."

    As NFP we tend to have good intentions and don't understand why the rest of the world doesn't, or can't, follow suit. BUt the simple reality is that regardless of whatever we may do, and regardless of whatever we may idealistically desire, much of the world doesn't operate from the perspective that we do, and for me it keeps coming back to this "emotional capitol" metaphour.

    Fwiw, some people talk about having their moods changed when in large public gatherings and such. Usually, for me, that doesn't affect me too much [usually cuz most people are just ignoring most other people, so there isn't as much interaction in that sense], its work places that REALLY affect me. NTJ-land is NOT a good places for NFP's to be.

    I hope that helps some.


    "emotional capitol"

    I like it.



    On a theoretical level, I guess.

    I just don't know if I can actually apply it. :/
    `
    'Cause you can't handle me...

    "A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. The truth is the truth even if nobody believes it." - David Stevens

    "That that is, is. That that is not, is not. Is that it? It is."

    Veritatem dies aperit

    Ride si sapis

    Intelligentle sparkles

  5. #5
    Senior Member Scott N Denver's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SillySapienne View Post


    "emotional capitol"

    I like it.



    On a theoretical level, I guess.

    I just don't know if I can actually apply it. :/
    If your situation is anything like mine you will be forced to, if for no other reason than you get sick of feeling beaten-down over and over by the exact same thing. That can be quite the motivator.

    On a more positive note, when dealing with specific individuals one on one who are being kinda moody, I can usually keep a very clear distinction between how they feel and how I feel, and not let there feelings "creep into" mine. Strong self-boundary and strong emotional awareness coupled with strong emotional boundary clearly help there. However, I think that when you deal with the same specific person over and over, thats when things get tougher.

    Another thing for me, I have this sometimes very unhelpful sense of duty, and that can get me "deepen the hole" sometimes with these kind of problems. When I notice that is what is going on, 1) I remind myself that the world is a very big place and its not up to me [or any one specific individual] to fix it all, or more than a single person can fix for that matter. No matter how much you do, there is always tons more out there. 2) Sometimes you just can't "win" in those kind of situations, so you try to stopgap the impact, and then go home or wherever, get your mind off of it, and do whatever activities "recharge your batteries" so to speak. Physical exercise and social interaction can both work wonders. I wouldn't knock on video games for that either, but to each there own.

  6. #6
    `~~Philosoflying~~` SillySapienne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scott N Denver View Post
    If your situation is anything like mine you will be forced to, if for no other reason than you get sick of feeling beaten-down over and over by the exact same thing. That can be quite the motivator.

    On a more positive note, when dealing with specific individuals one on one who are being kinda moody, I can usually keep a very clear distinction between how they feel and how I feel, and not let there feelings "creep into" mine. Strong self-boundary and strong emotional awareness coupled with strong emotional boundary clearly help there. However, I think that when you deal with the same specific person over and over, thats when things get tougher.

    Another thing for me, I have this sometimes very unhelpful sense of duty, and that can get me "deepen the hole" sometimes with these kind of problems. When I notice that is what is going on, 1) I remind myself that the world is a very big place and its not up to me [or any one specific individual] to fix it all, or more than a single person can fix for that matter. No matter how much you do, there is always tons more out there. 2) Sometimes you just can't "win" in those kind of situations, so you try to stopgap the impact, and then go home or wherever, get your mind off of it, and do whatever activities "recharge your batteries" so to speak. Physical exercise and social interaction can both work wonders. I wouldn't knock on video games for that either, but to each there own.
    Excellent post, and I will need to revisit it in the morning for I am getting tired, but I am totally picking up what you're putting down.

    One caveat, though.

    It's been a theme in my life...

    Coupling.

    I tend to pair with one individual, be it my friend, my mother, my patient, my boyfriend, and build a deep bond with that person.

    In intimate crowds of six or less, I do fine, and am quite good at facilitating a positive vibe for us to share, this is a gift that I am glad to have.

    In larger crowds, things get more complicated, I can expound on this tomorrow.

    But, yeah, I don't know if I necessarily like this theme of having one person as a companion, wait, I think I do, because I can evenly distribute the energy this way, often giving my positive/receptive energy to my companion.

    But, I've been a victim of emotional vampire-ism from this, too.

    Like my life force will be literally sucked out of me.

    Boundaries, so important.

    I need to learn to modulate the levels in which I let people in, if that makes sense.

    Much to ruminate over while I sleep, thank you, Scott.



    `
    'Cause you can't handle me...

    "A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. The truth is the truth even if nobody believes it." - David Stevens

    "That that is, is. That that is not, is not. Is that it? It is."

    Veritatem dies aperit

    Ride si sapis

    Intelligentle sparkles

  7. #7
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    yeah, much of this rings true-

    I feel others emotions to the point I become very stressed if others around me are stressed or unhappy. I very strongly feel their pain as my pain. It weighs upon me. To make a choice that is logical but adds to the burdens others must carry is very difficult.

    To cause another person pain is horrific. I will feel that pain myself and be trapped in a very bad place in which I cannot self forgive. It is nightmarish.

    To block this mirrored empathic pain I can become harsh and logical and not allow myself to emotionally connect with others. This is not ideal, but it is protective.

    Otherwise I wall out everyone. I do this so naturally though that in many ways I envy your ability to emotionally connect with others so easily.

  8. #8
    likes this gromit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SillySapienne View Post
    But, I've been a victim of emotional vampire-ism from this, too.

    Like my life force will be literally sucked out of me.

    Boundaries, so important.

    I need to learn to modulate the levels in which I let people in, if that makes sense.
    Oh gosh I relate to that a LOT. Earlier this year I really realized that I had to distinguish between "me" and "not me" to myself. I had to draw boundaries or I would be consumed. I don't know the solution. My solution recently has been to cut everyone off from my innermost self. I let them see happy and bubbly, but not sad or concerned, and certainly not crying.

    I try to still let myself be emotionally engaged with people, but... I don't know. It's difficult to know how/where to draw the boundaries.

    Sometimes I just have to say to myself So-and-so is feeling X. It makes me feel Y. It is okay to feel this way, but it is So-and-so's problem. I cannot solve the problem for him/her, it must be So-and-so who does that. It will be okay. This is all I can do. THat sort of thing. Justifying to myself not letting myself be consumed by it. Does that make sense?

    So I don't really know how to find a good balance.

    Quote Originally Posted by SillySapienne View Post
    It's been a theme in my life...

    Coupling.

    I tend to pair with one individual, be it my friend, my mother, my patient, my boyfriend, and build a deep bond with that person.
    I can also relate to this part actually too, now that you mention it. Coupling. Interesting. Someone who can talk with me and give me perspective and to whom I can trust my innermost self to (and maybe who trusts me to see theirs). That role has been filled by a lot of different people, like you say, not just SOs. My most recent person (just a friend) was until that point earlier this year when I realized that particular coupling was REEEEALLY unhealthy for both of us… I have felt like I am floating since then. But I don’t know what to do.

    I have never had a positive romantic coupling, come to think of it…
    Your kisses, sweeter than honey. But guess what, so is my money.

  9. #9
    From the Undertow CuriousFeeling's Avatar
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    I'm emotionally sensitive, but I take the emotions I feel and rationalize them, understand them, confront them. Sometimes I have a hard time dealing with people who are getting very emotional about something because it tends to tax my reserves a bit. I just want the person to go figure out how to solve the problem on their own and leave me be, lol.


    It gets a bit overwhelming at times, but it's something I've learned to cope with. I was hypersensitive as a kid, but I've learned how to deal with things.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

    Johari/Nohari

    “Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings -- always darker, emptier and simpler.”
    ― Friedrich Nietzsche




  10. #10
    Glycerine
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    I try to engage in analysis a lot and bury my emotional sensitivity way deep inside of me. it's probably not the best thing to do for the general emotional health though, haha

    I was and still am insanely emotionally sensitive (regardless of Fe or Fi). One thing that's really worked for me is to just to completely space out when others are emotionally breaking down around you and detach. But then again, I probably learned this to keep my sanity around people with really short fuses.

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