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[ENFJ] Been Gone; But Sick of Being an ENFJ

Desperado44

New member
Joined
Jun 14, 2008
Messages
471
MBTI Type
ENFJ
I haven't been on here in months.....so hi to everyone......

I think I've decided when it comes to romantic relationships.....I am sick of being an ENFJ......how do I initiate a trade in?????

We just retook the test at a company offsite.....I'm still a solid ENFJ......and you guessed it......20-0 on F!!!

I want to have less feeling. Sick of choosing women that are crappy for me.....How do I get that???:doh:
 

Rebe

New member
Joined
Nov 15, 2009
Messages
1,431
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4sop
1) awareness
2) translate what you know and are aware of into action
3) stay firm; resist dangerous temptation(s)
4) know own limits, accept own limits
5) if you know you can't just have fun without emotional attachment and investment, DON'T DO IT
6) stop making excuses because you are enfj or whatever type

:newwink: i tell myself that whenever I feel over-sentimental and in danger of getting myself endangered.
 
G

Glycerine

Guest
In this respect, I don't really relate to most of the other ENFJs. Start critically analyzing things and try to look at things objectively without the "should haves". For me, if I meet a person (not necessarily romantically), I feel them out first. Then I look for a behavioral pattern that either aligns with the impression or goes against it. That really balances out the Fe and I totally agree with Rebe.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
MBTI Type
INFJ
You are likely to become more and more attracted to whomever you spend the most time with regardless of what you intellectually know about them. So if they're no good for you, absent yourself!

Usually the people who run roughshod over your feelings are insecure. Insecurity means you've got no margin left over to pay attention to anyone else's needs or feelings and that you also believe that if you don't look after yourself, no one will.

What's been the pattern for who you choose and how they behave?
 

Desperado44

New member
Joined
Jun 14, 2008
Messages
471
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Great advice. Thanks to all.

My F has been taking over lately.....not an excuse; just a reality.

I do need to limit time with certain people.
 

Tallulah

Emerging
Joined
Feb 19, 2008
Messages
6,009
MBTI Type
INTP
Hi, Desperado. Am I remembering correctly that you tend to be attracted to women who are vulnerable and need you to kind of help them/fix them? Is there a way you could consciously try to change that pattern? Vulnerability can be an appealing concept, but those women are usually going to come with a lot of baggage.

Anyhoo, welcome back!
 

ceecee

Coolatta® Enjoyer
Joined
Apr 22, 2008
Messages
15,908
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
8w9
I haven't been on here in months.....so hi to everyone......

I think I've decided when it comes to romantic relationships.....I am sick of being an ENFJ......how do I initiate a trade in?????

We just retook the test at a company offsite.....I'm still a solid ENFJ......and you guessed it......20-0 on F!!!

I want to have less feeling. Sick of choosing women that are crappy for me.....How do I get that???:doh:

Stop looking for a fixer-upper. Stop looking for someone to save and, for god sake, stop doing everything. In a relationship there are two halves, each one standing on their own two feet. Find a woman with a life. A life that does not contain all kinds of drama and baggage. Someone mentally stable. Someone who can approach life with a logical view, yet have the capacity to understand (or at least the willingness to learn) that there is an emotional give and take. Do not do things strictly to pacify because its not all about her.. It's about the "us" part. You find a woman who will make that a top priority, you have a keeper. Find someone worthy of all you have to offer because a chronic damsel in distress will NEVER be worthy of you.

You guys are awesome. Just awesome. But there are days I want to slap you silly because of the above mindset.
 

LotsOfHeart

New member
Joined
Feb 14, 2009
Messages
298
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4
Sometimes I feel like I'm so naturally wired as a feeler that I give off that vibe without even meaning to.

I would say, the next time you feel overwhelmed with emotions, stop and take a deep breath. Just think about it. Tell yourself, "OK, I feel this way now, but I'm going to stay calm and not react right away."

Also, studying thinking types and how they react to things can be very helpful. Sometimes they can take emotions down a notch in ways feeling types would never have thought of.

But don't feel bad. People love ENFJs. One of my best friends is an ENFJ, and we're like brothers. He's a great person. And honestly, his ability to wear his heart on his sleeve is oddly inspiring to me. He lets people know what's on his mind, and they know where he is at most of the time, plus he has a really cool way of doing it. It's hard to describe.
 

Unkindloving

Lungs & Lips Locked
Joined
Dec 10, 2009
Messages
2,963
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Enneagram
4w5
I'm curious about the details. What do you find are your most common malfunctions and the common traits of the women you choose?
If you don't mind sharing, that is. More of a full-spectrum assessment :yes:
 
H

Hate

Guest
Here's some advice from a fellow ENFJ male... repeat this mantra daily and you'll probably start to feel better..."Thank God I'm not an INFJ male... Thank God I'm not an INFJ male. Thank God I'm not an INFJ male." They got it a lot tougher than we do bro.


Sick of choosing women that are crappy for me....:

Care to elaborate sir?
 

LotsOfHeart

New member
Joined
Feb 14, 2009
Messages
298
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4
Here's some advice from a fellow ENFJ male... repeat this mantra daily and you'll probably start to feel better..."Thank God I'm not an INFJ male... Thank God I'm not an INFJ male. Thank God I'm not an INFJ male." They got it a lot tougher than we do bro.




Care to elaborate sir?

While I agree extroverts have it easier than introverts on average, I enjoy being an INFJ male. I like being able to get along with pretty much any (healthy) personality type and I also enjoy being able to see the gears turning in people's heads. Maybe I don't fit in as well as some, but you know what, we live in a f***ed up world where a lot of the people who fit in the easiest are soul-less pricks who get theirs in the long run.

Sorry for the rant, but as I often say, it felt good to write.
 
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LadyJaye

Scream down the boulevard
Joined
Nov 6, 2007
Messages
2,062
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w6
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
As a person who is incapable of divorcing myself from my feelings, I have one piece of advice that was given to me and it helped me greatly : Your feelings are there to tell you something important, either about yourself or a situation, so that's a good thing. But a feeling stops being a good thing when it takes you over. ( Like when people can't control their anger, for example) I used to resist acknowledging a feeling, because it felt like I couldn't combat it if I did. But, someone told me once that " A feeling is just a feeling", and suddenly it made sense. Ultimately, you can choose the thoughts you entertain, and you can say, " Alright, I feel XYZ. I choose to not allow it to overwhelm me. What is it trying to tell me so I can resolve this?"

Not to sound as if I'm dismissing your feelings. Not at all. Just the intensity of them. Sometimes I have to just let them flow over me and tell myself that I'm the one in control - they don't decide what I choose to do.

Though, I live with an ENFJ, and Fe can really be a bear to deal with. She really wrestles with being slammed with something she wasn't expecting, and having a wave of Fe wash over her. I sometimes think that Fi is a blessing.
 
H

Hate

Guest
While I agree extroverts have it easier than introverts on average, I enjoy being an INFJ male. I like being able to get along with pretty much any (healthy) personality type and I also enjoy being able to see the gears turning in people's heads. Maybe I don't fit in as well as some, but you know what, we live in a f***ed up world where a lot of the people who fit in the easiest are soul-less pricks who get theirs in the long run.

Sorry for the rant, but as I often say, it felt good to write.

I hope you didn’t take what I said as an insult, it wasn't intended to be…. It was a joke dude.. relax..And I wasn’t referring to all extroverts…nor was I referring to “fitting in”…

I was only referring to the NFJ male in general….

I know several male ENFJs and a few INFJ males and I was more referring to the Ni>Fe and the Fe>Ni….. When I go out with the xNFJs… it is clearly apparent that my INFJ friends simply have a more difficult time socializing and also a more difficult time when it comes to overanalyzing things. Even they themselves admit this… that’s all I was referring to..

C’mon dude.. I’m an ENFJ… Why would I be hating on my INFJ brothers..
 

LotsOfHeart

New member
Joined
Feb 14, 2009
Messages
298
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4
I hope you didn’t take what I said as an insult, it wasn't intended to be…. It was a joke dude.. relax..And I wasn’t referring to all extroverts…nor was I referring to “fitting in”…

I was only referring to the NFJ male in general….

I know several male ENFJs and a few INFJ males and I was more referring to the Ni>Fe and the Fe>Ni….. When I go out with the xNFJs… it is clearly apparent that my INFJ friends simply have a more difficult time socializing and also a more difficult time when it comes to overanalyzing things. Even they themselves admit this… that’s all I was referring to..

C’mon dude.. I’m an ENFJ… Why would I be hating on my INFJ brothers..

Haha, no worries, I didn't take it as an insult. Sorry if I went off on a tangent there. I guess I just felt since my kind are so few I'd point out that even though it is tough, I like being me. I won't deny it's hard though.

I guess most of my post was just a rant. It is frustrating sometimes being in the situations you just described. I really want to be good at socializing, but it seems no matter how hard I try, I usually go un-noticed and ignored by most people. It's weird because in my own opinion I'd rather hang out with someone like me than hang out with most of the people I've known who have a sh*t-ton of friends. Not that I'm such a great person or anything, I like to think I'm a good person, but many of the people I've known who have tons of friends/followers are unspeakable jerks. They're mean/disrespectful, overly-opinionated and generally don't treat others well. It's like they have so many friends, so many people who are at their beck and call, that they ironically take them for granted and don't treat them very well. Yet those people stay hanging around them. Eventually I just had to learn the lesson that a lot of it has nothing to do with how nice you are, how hard-working you are or even how successful you are. There are certain un-spoken connections people have which are very individual, and there is something about extreme extroverts that draws many people to them. Sometimes people want to hang around others for bad reasons that have nothing to do with you, i.e. they had a bad upbringing and they know nothing but messed up relationships, so it feels familiar to them.

Yet, even though I go through the stuff you mentioned above, I live in a generally happy world where I take pride in my ability to make my own decisions, which are more often than not the best ones for me. I can see when someone's trying to screw someone else over a mile away. That has helped myself and others on many occasions. I'm extremely aware of character. Another cool thing is that the friendships I DO make, while fewer than many others, tend to be extremely strong. In fact, I came up with a list of ten people in my life right now who I care about very deeply and feel the same way about me. That to me is astonishing. The people who have an easy time socially tend to have many more friends than I do, but also have way more enemies. I have very few, if any, enemies. People usually either like me or don't notice I exist. The latter applies most often I'd say, but it's way better than being disliked.

So now, to bring everything back to the original topic (I apologize for the deviation), ENFJs, ENFPs and extroverted feelers in general have often been angels in my life. Take my ENFJ friend who is one of my best friends for instance (and we are like brothers, he said so himself). He has better overall people-skills than I do, and is nice enough to use those skills to help me. He introduces me to others and helps me make friendships I normally would never have had. These have proven to be pretty rewarding friendships in some cases. Another great thing is that we both help each other out, and there is no thought of paying anyone back. Every time I help him with something, I know he would do the same for me. That's pretty rare in friendships from my experience. And he often helps me and hopefully thinks the same.

ENFx's also, from my experience, are able to see the good in people that goes ignored by most others. Those are important skills to have.

Ultimately, everyone has strengths and weaknesses in personality, but good people are able to make the most of their strengths and make effort to improve upon their weaknesses.
 
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Lauren

New member
Joined
Dec 7, 2008
Messages
255
MBTI Type
INFP
As a person who is incapable of divorcing myself from my feelings, I have one piece of advice that was given to me and it helped me greatly : Your feelings are there to tell you something important, either about yourself or a situation, so that's a good thing. But a feeling stops being a good thing when it takes you over. ( Like when people can't control their anger, for example) I used to resist acknowledging a feeling, because it felt like I couldn't combat it if I did. But, someone told me once that " A feeling is just a feeling", and suddenly it made sense. Ultimately, you can choose the thoughts you entertain, and you can say, " Alright, I feel XYZ. I choose to not allow it to overwhelm me. What is it trying to tell me so I can resolve this?"
Not to sound as if I'm dismissing your feelings. Not at all. Just the intensity of them. Sometimes I have to just let them flow over me and tell myself that I'm the one in control - they don't decide what I choose to do.
Though, I live with an ENFJ, and Fe can really be a bear to deal with. She really wrestles with being slammed with something she wasn't expecting, and having a wave of Fe wash over her. I sometimes think that Fi is a blessing.

I relate to all of this with emphasis on the bolded parts. Sometimes it's hard to get past the feeling to understanding what it's trying to tell you. What I've done at those times is realize I'm feeling what I'm feeling and that I can let them have a backseat (if it's anger) and consciously act in kindness or compassion instead, even if I don't feel like being kind or compassionate. It doesn't matter if I don't feel these things in the moment. The action itself changes the bad feelings...or allows me to deal with them later.
 

Esoteric Wench

Professional Trickster
Joined
Dec 20, 2009
Messages
945
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w8
While I agree extroverts have it easier than introverts on average, I enjoy being an INFJ male. I...enjoy being able to see the gears turning in people's heads. Maybe I don't fit in as well as some, but you know what, we live in a f***ed up world where a lot of the people who fit in the easiest are soul-less pricks who get theirs in the long run. Sorry for the rant, but as I often say, it felt good to write.

I laughed so hard when I read this. Right on!!!! I completely respect this position. :hug:
 

LadyJaye

Scream down the boulevard
Joined
Nov 6, 2007
Messages
2,062
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w6
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
I relate to all of this with emphasis on the bolded parts. Sometimes it's hard to get past the feeling to understanding what it's trying to tell you. What I've done at those times is realize I'm feeling what I'm feeling and that I can let them have a backseat (if it's anger) and consciously act in kindness or compassion instead, even if I don't feel like being kind or compassionate. It doesn't matter if I don't feel these things in the moment. The action itself changes the bad feelings...or allows me to deal with them later.

Exactly! And it sounds so simplistic in theory, like when I first heard someone tell me this, I couldn't believe I actually needed someone to explain this to me because it seemed so elementary. But I really did need it to be laid out to me - I think it's almost impossibly difficult to hear your inner voice saying these things to you when you're in the middle of an emotional storm.

It was such a relief to know that my feelings weren't more important than my sanity. What a concept. It's wonderful that you can do that to help yourself as well. :)
 

Aimee

New member
Joined
Aug 4, 2009
Messages
28
MBTI Type
ENFP
I love it that you wish you could feel less. Sorry, but your angst is a turn-on to me :-D
 
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