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[ENFP] ENFP women

INTPness

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Jan 22, 2009
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Some questions for you! I've had a lot of fun with the ENFP's I've known over the years. Great dynamic, lots of laughing, they're intrigued by me, they enjoy my humor and, basically, I could see myself "settling down" with one (*gasp* :shock:). Every individual is different, but the ones I've known, I could envision myself loving them long-term.

I have my eye on one at the moment. I've been an acquaintance of this girl for about 3 years now (she's a close friend of several of my friends), but there hasn't been much 1-on-1 conversation in that time. We only know things about each other "through the grapevine" and through personal observation, but when we have been together, there seems to be this "strange, unspoken, mutual intrigue". It's almost like if there is one zebra who has been at the zoo by himself for a long time and then they put another zebra in the pen with him and the two zebras can't stop sniffing each other's rear ends (extreeeeemely romantic visual, I know) :happy0065: But, really, it's as if we're both giving each other glances as if to say, "I don't exactly know how to approach you or what to say to you, but there's something about you that really intrigues me." What needs to happen is we need to break the Ne-ice and get the Ne-to-Ne conversation going. That would open things up real fast. But, like I said, I've only seen her Ne (LOTS OF IT) in groups, but I myself have not been able to interact with her 1-on-1.

Anyways, on to the questions. Just some general questions about your type. Don't be offended (it's obvious that I'm a huge fan of your type), this is just me asking real questions based on my real experiences with your type.

1. How do you guys view long-term commitment? On this page (http://www.9types.com/descr/7/), it says that one of the hardest things about being a type 7 (I know not all of you are type 7) is that you "feel confined in a 1-on-1 relationship". If you find someone who you love and who loves you through and through, is committing for a lifetime still a "scary thing"? Try to speak from your actual experience rather than your idealistic romantic ideals. Once you get 3-5 years into the relationship, are you starting to get bored?

2. Let's face it, P's have a lazy streak. I've had periods in my life where I wasn't very productive at all. I'm all about freedom of choice and space in a relationship, but if I were to end up with an ENFP, one thing that could possibly frustrate me to no end, would be if it was taken for granted that I'm the sole bread winner in the family. I have no problem being that person in the relationship, but what would really irk me is after 5 years if she just started staying at home, playing video games on the computer. She doesn't have to have a 6-figure job or anything, but basically, I'd want her to contribute to the family in a big way because we're in it together. Have some humanitarian hobbies, go hang out with your girls, etc. But, contribute to us and what we are doing before you "play games" and "go for nature walks". Is this something you guys struggle with? I only ask because I've seen it with the ENFP's I've known.

3. Basically, what's the ideal for you in a LTR? What keeps you interested, committed, and fully engaged with one person for years to come?
 

Lady_X

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i test type 7 (i think i am??) and ltr don't scare me. i don't have a wandering eye. i do get restless and want to change things up. i will go nuts in the same routine for too long and start fantasizing about moving or redecorating or changing jobs...or at least getting out of town a bit every once and awhile...but no i don't think i sure wish i had a new bf.

enfps can be lazy with mundane things yes...but equality is very important and i don't want someone doing everything for me...i would rather divide things up based on who hates what the least and have both people contributing in their own way.

i think the important thing to remember in ltr is to never think you know all there is to know...never stop growing and exploring with each other...don't take each other for granted...don't stop appreciating all of those things you love just because they're always there...have your own interests but never lose interest in each other...don't dazzle her with all your cool intp insight and then start keeping it all to yourself.

also...what i can kinda see happening in an intp/enfp relationship is that it would be a very ne based intellectual type connection that would be a bit more gratifying for the intp than the enfp because although i think most of us love that we also crave deep emotional connection so you'd have to be cognizant of that and do your best to go there with her by opening up and being more vulnerable than you might be comfortable with.
 

stringstheory

THIS bitch
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Hmmm i'll just go on down the line and answer one by one, yeah?

1. How do you guys view long-term commitment? On this page (http://www.9types.com/descr/7/), it says that one of the hardest things about being a type 7 (I know not all of you are type 7) is that you "feel confined in a 1-on-1 relationship". If you find someone who you love and who loves you through and through, is committing for a lifetime still a "scary thing"? Try to speak from your actual experience rather than your idealistic romantic ideals. Once you get 3-5 years into the relationship, are you starting to get bored?

I've never been in any kind of committed relationship any longer than 2 years (however, not because of my doing :p) I remember feeling confined and scared in a 1 on 1 relationship when i was younger and stupidly rushed into them, however now i take my time and date around before i become exclusive with someone because yes, i do get "bored" easily. that's why i'm happy to have learned my personal lesson. before i met my current partner, i casually dated around for 2 years until i met someone i just couldn't stop thinking about, no matter who i was with. when we chose to be exclusive after growing less and less casual for ~2 months, it was probably the first time that decision ever felt "right". i think if i ever feel scared or confined again, it will be a good indicator that i need to end an exclusive relationship ASAP.

2. Let's face it, P's have a lazy streak. I've had periods in my life where I wasn't very productive at all. I'm all about freedom of choice and space in a relationship, but if I were to end up with an ENFP, one thing that could possibly frustrate me to no end, would be if it was taken for granted that I'm the sole bread winner in the family. I have no problem being that person in the relationship, but what would really irk me is after 5 years if she just started staying at home, playing video games on the computer. She doesn't have to have a 6-figure job or anything, but basically, I'd want her to contribute to the family in a big way because we're in it together. Have some humanitarian hobbies, go hang out with your girls, etc. But, contribute to us and what we are doing before you "play games" and "go for nature walks". Is this something you guys struggle with? I only ask because I've seen it with the ENFP's I've known.

Sometimes, but for me, these feelings usually only last short-term...like when i lost my last job, i'd usually spend a month or 2 busting my ass looking for a new one, and then 3 weeks of having no motivation to do so because...why bother? it's easier to escape into fun things when you're depressed.

however, i just need to be gently reminded of those mundane details from time to time. even though they're "important", to me they just aren't in the grand scheme of things. i'm a big picture kinda gal. my head is in a million different places during the day, so if you want me to do my dishes before i go hang out with my friends or try to save the freakin' world, please communicate that to me somehow :p Otherwise i may forget sometimes.

i just wanted to touch on the "humanitarian hobbies" thing you said because i'm not sure if i understood you correctly but i felt like i should make this clear...there is a reason they call ENFP "The Advocate". from my perspective it might be nice of you to forgive short-term lack of contribution once in a while in the case of "humanitarian hobbies" that we are highly passionate about. Family and friends will always be very high on my priority list, don't get me wrong, but often ENFPs are passionate about people no matter what their relationship is to us. I understand that certain people place more priority on them and theirs. That's cool, it makes perfect sense in most cases and hopefully your ENFP feels the same. But sometimes i operate as if i am answering to a "higher authority" and in a LTR i want someone who will understand that in order for ME to feel complete, i need to be out there making a difference in my community. Besides, at some point my short burst of energy will run out and i will retreat back into my personal world where i want nothing more than a clean, happy, safe haven.

3. Basically, what's the ideal for you in a LTR? What keeps you interested, committed, and fully engaged with one person for years to come?

There is a reason i prefer the term "partner" to "boyfriend" or "girlfriend". If i am committing it is because i want you to share your life with me and vice versa. I want long-term interaction, if that makes sense? I want to feel like i'm understood and part of my partners life... to me this means that i am being supported in my endeavors and encouraged to be exactly who i am because i can guarantee i will be doing the same for you. I feel like beliefs and dreams are a huge part of who a person is; if i feel like those are not important to you, then i feel like all of me is being rejected.

everyone expresses that support and understanding in their own ways, but luckily we're ENFP....i'll usually figure out real quick if that's what's going on or not :D
 

kyuuei

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1. How do you guys view long-term commitment? If you find someone who you love and who loves you through and through, is committing for a lifetime still a "scary thing"? Try to speak from your actual experience rather than your idealistic romantic ideals. Once you get 3-5 years into the relationship, are you starting to get bored?

I want one. I don't see a point in dating at all without the potential for long term committment there. Do I get bored? Probably. Definitely. Though, in my experience, boring is a necessary evil of online relationships which is what I've spent most of my life in, so maybe I'm a bit bias on it. If someone loved me through and through, it does me little good.. I have to love them back. If I do though, committing to them seems right, not scary.

2. Let's face it, P's have a lazy streak. I've had periods in my life where I wasn't very productive at all. I'm all about freedom of choice and space in a relationship, but if I were to end up with an ENFP, one thing that could possibly frustrate me to no end, would be if it was taken for granted that I'm the sole bread winner in the family. I have no problem being that person in the relationship, but what would really irk me is after 5 years if she just started staying at home, playing video games on the computer. She doesn't have to have a 6-figure job or anything, but basically, I'd want her to contribute to the family in a big way because we're in it together. Have some humanitarian hobbies, go hang out with your girls, etc. But, contribute to us and what we are doing before you "play games" and "go for nature walks". Is this something you guys struggle with? I only ask because I've seen it with the ENFP's I've known.

I don't really enjoy just staying home and doing nothing. It's nice every so often, and sometimes I need the rest, but being true to my type 8 ways, It is impossible for me to not contribute. I will mention here though.. that a 2 income trap can be a dangerous thing to rely on. If I were to ever have children, I don't know if I could be the one staying at home and caring for it.. I become depressed when I am stuck in the household too long. Laziness irks me as well. I understand it's necessary, and even comforting at times.. but overall consistent laziness bothers me and eventually causes resentment (not cleaning up after one's self constantly, etc.)

3. Basically, what's the ideal for you in a LTR? What keeps you interested, committed, and fully engaged with one person for years to come?

If you are yourself in the time I have known you, and I am still in a relationship with you after 1 year's time, than chances are you're naturally interesting to me. I don't require a whole lot... just some motivation, dedication, the ability to take care of yourself and love yourself, etc. I can say that things that made relationships of mine fall apart: People who tried to change who I was, people who were surprised that how they saw me in one environment isn't how I am in all environments.. I mold to the settings around me.. I don't change who I am, just how I react, and people mistake who I am in one place with who I am as a whole. People think I am always bubbly, bright, happy, and crazy.. So when they move in with me, and I'm chilled out, settled down, and relaxed at home (aka not with people, which energizes me) they become disappointed in how 'normal' I turned out to be. Also, sadly the case in my longest relationship, the fact that I wasn't motivation enough for them to set a goal and achieve it so that we could be closer together was a dealbreaker.
 

Lady_X

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sx/sp
1. How do you guys view long-term commitment? If you find someone who you love and who loves you through and through, is committing for a lifetime still a "scary thing"? Try to speak from your actual experience rather than your idealistic romantic ideals. Once you get 3-5 years into the relationship, are you starting to get bored?

I want one. I don't see a point in dating at all without the potential for long term committment there. Do I get bored? Probably. Definitely. Though, in my experience, boring is a necessary evil of online relationships which is what I've spent most of my life in, so maybe I'm a bit bias on it. If someone loved me through and through, it does me little good.. I have to love them back. If I do though, committing to them seems right, not scary.

2. Let's face it, P's have a lazy streak. I've had periods in my life where I wasn't very productive at all. I'm all about freedom of choice and space in a relationship, but if I were to end up with an ENFP, one thing that could possibly frustrate me to no end, would be if it was taken for granted that I'm the sole bread winner in the family. I have no problem being that person in the relationship, but what would really irk me is after 5 years if she just started staying at home, playing video games on the computer. She doesn't have to have a 6-figure job or anything, but basically, I'd want her to contribute to the family in a big way because we're in it together. Have some humanitarian hobbies, go hang out with your girls, etc. But, contribute to us and what we are doing before you "play games" and "go for nature walks". Is this something you guys struggle with? I only ask because I've seen it with the ENFP's I've known.

I don't really enjoy just staying home and doing nothing. It's nice every so often, and sometimes I need the rest, but being true to my type 8 ways, It is impossible for me to not contribute. I will mention here though.. that a 2 income trap can be a dangerous thing to rely on. If I were to ever have children, I don't know if I could be the one staying at home and caring for it.. I become depressed when I am stuck in the household too long. Laziness irks me as well. I understand it's necessary, and even comforting at times.. but overall consistent laziness bothers me and eventually causes resentment (not cleaning up after one's self constantly, etc.)

3. Basically, what's the ideal for you in a LTR? What keeps you interested, committed, and fully engaged with one person for years to come?

If you are yourself in the time I have known you, and I am still in a relationship with you after 1 year's time, than chances are you're naturally interesting to me. I don't require a whole lot... just some motivation, dedication, the ability to take care of yourself and love yourself, etc. I can say that things that made relationships of mine fall apart: People who tried to change who I was, people who were surprised that how they saw me in one environment isn't how I am in all environments.. I mold to the settings around me.. I don't change who I am, just how I react, and people mistake who I am in one place with who I am as a whole. People think I am always bubbly, bright, happy, and crazy.. So when they move in with me, and I'm chilled out, settled down, and relaxed at home (aka not with people, which energizes me) they become disappointed in how 'normal' I turned out to be. Also, sadly the case in my longest relationship, the fact that I wasn't motivation enough for them to set a goal and achieve it so that we could be closer together was a dealbreaker.

ughh...me too...i like that about myself but i'm not sure everyone does. :/
 

INTPness

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Thanks for the responses so far!

To respond in a general way to what all of you said:

I would never expect a girl to be confined to the house and to do my dishes and all that kind of stuff. I would much sooner encourage her to engage in her humanitarian efforts and her dreams and passions in life than to just stay at home all day. So, I guess that was a misperception on my part (that she would stay home and be lazy). I guess I should have said it like this:

I would encourage her to have a job if she wants, or to not have a job if she wants to do other things, but I have to admit, I had 1 ENFP female in particular in my mind when I talked about being lazy. She wasn't lazy in the sense that she didn't "do things". She was all over the place, doing this and doing that, but she wasn't very fond of holding down a job. I admired some of the other things she was doing in her life, but she was relying on other people to help her with rent and stuff like that. And so, with her, I just envisioned myself being the only one who would be willing to do "the practical things" that are necessary in life. I mean, as an INTP, I don't like doing the little things either sometimes. They bog me down. They bore me, etc. But, I don't want to be the only one who is going to pay attention to those things. It would be nice to have help.

This girl was doing some really good things. But, she really was looking for someone to kind of be a sugar daddy (so that she could go do all of her things freely without worrying about money). I told her right away that this approach to life would never fly with me. I admire it. I admire the outside the box thinking and the creativity and the dislike for the "rat race" of life - I'm the same way, so I get it! But, we do live in reality. So, these things have to be dealt with on some level. Like I said, I wouldn't mind being the bread winner and allowing her freedom to pursue some of her passions. But, I can't just bring home the bacon while she "farts around all day saving trees". Does that make sense? I encourage you to do those things. Be you! I'll love you for it. But, don't forget that we have a household to run and a real relationship that requires that dishes be done from time to time and finances to manage, etc, etc. That's just reality.

Edit: By the way, this isn't about the ENFP I mentioned in my OP. She's not my significant other, obviously. We barely know each other - just in the "intrigued stage". But, I have known several ENFP's and so I'm just looking for a general understanding of the type and what I'd be getting myself into in a LTR.
 

Lady_X

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yeah totally...i'm sure most people get that....not an enfp thing not to.
 

INTPness

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yeah totally...i'm sure most people get that....not an enfp thing not to.

OK good to know. Thanks. That's basically what I was getting at in my OP - wanting to know if these things are "weak spots" for ENFP's.
 

Lady_X

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depends on who's asking i think. i would assume the two types would have a similar approach to mundane tasks.
 

Esoteric Wench

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INTPness, I think one of the things you have to consider is that your ENFP will need and want emotional support and affirmation from you. This is very important to ENFPs... We're not clingy. Far from it. But we love to shower love on our loved ones as much as we love getting it in return.

There would be times with your ENFP when your Introverted Thinking will clash with her Introverted Feeling. And, you may be logically correct. But are you going to be able to see past that logic and see that for your ENFP, what she needs at that moment is emotional support which you may not feel comfortable giving her.

As far as the LTR thing, I never have had trouble having LTRs. ENFPs, as my brethren have pointed out, hate routine. They love learning new things and meeting new people. They hate being stuck in a rut. Your willingness to explore new ideas with her will be your trump card.

Good luck!
 

INTPness

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INTPness, I think one of the things you have to consider is that your ENFP will need and want emotional support and affirmation from you. This is very important to ENFPs... We're not clingy. Far from it. But we love to shower love on our loved ones as much as we love getting it in return.

There would be times with your ENFP when your Introverted Thinking will clash with her Introverted Feeling. And, you may be logically correct. But are you going to be able to see past that logic and see that for your ENFP, what she needs at that moment is emotional support which you may not feel comfortable giving her.

As far as the LTR thing, I never have had trouble having LTRs. ENFPs, as my brethren have pointed out, hate routine. They love learning new things and meeting new people. They hate being stuck in a rut. Your willingness to explore new ideas with her will be your trump card.

Good luck!


Good advice. Thanks.

What is a good example of "exploring new ideas" with her? Meaning that when she gets on a new kick that I will add my research abilities, knowledge, and enthusiasm to what she's doing? Or is it more like, "I found a new trail that I want to walk through and explore. Go explore it with me!" Probably a little bit of both, huh? Just being interested and involved in what interests her at any given time?
 

gromit

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Yeah and things that YOU find exciting/interesting too... :)
 

stringstheory

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Good advice. Thanks.

What is a good example of "exploring new ideas" with her? Meaning that when she gets on a new kick that I will add my research abilities, knowledge, and enthusiasm to what she's doing? Or is it more like, "I found a new trail that I want to walk through and explore. Go explore it with me!" Probably a little bit of both, huh? Just being interested and involved in what interests her at any given time?

yes, exactly. speaking from personal experience, whenever i get really enthusiastic about something and someone else is not anywhere close to my level of enthusiasm, i feel really dumb and my feelings get hurt.

Or maybe even seeing how her interests might apply to yours. This is actually sort of what i meant by "long-term interaction"...we're always getting new ideas and interests and sometimes it can be hard to keep up, so someone who, for the most part, does what they can to show some enthusiasm for whatever the flavour of the week is very special.

Sometimes an ENFP is gonna come home with some exciting new theory or book or whatever and it'll be like she's speaking a completely different language. For example my INTJ partner works in the gaming industry. i love video games, but i study theories on gender/sexuality in school....which is significantly less exciting for him. however, he chose to brush up on some terms i often use so that we can discuss them as they relate to games that we're playing. he also actively finds and reads articles about these ideas, when he would have just skipped them before. ENFPs love[/] this kind of stuff.
 

You

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1. How do you guys view long-term commitment? On this page (http://www.9types.com/descr/7/), it says that one of the hardest things about being a type 7 (I know not all of you are type 7) is that you "feel confined in a 1-on-1 relationship". If you find someone who you love and who loves you through and through, is committing for a lifetime still a "scary thing"? Try to speak from your actual experience rather than your idealistic romantic ideals. Once you get 3-5 years into the relationship, are you starting to get bored?

Never been 3-5 years in any relationship.

2. Let's face it, P's have a lazy streak. I've had periods in my life where I wasn't very productive at all. I'm all about freedom of choice and space in a relationship, but if I were to end up with an ENFP, one thing that could possibly frustrate me to no end, would be if it was taken for granted that I'm the sole bread winner in the family. I have no problem being that person in the relationship, but what would really irk me is after 5 years if she just started staying at home, playing video games on the computer. She doesn't have to have a 6-figure job or anything, but basically, I'd want her to contribute to the family in a big way because we're in it together. Have some humanitarian hobbies, go hang out with your girls, etc. But, contribute to us and what we are doing before you "play games" and "go for nature walks". Is this something you guys struggle with? I only ask because I've seen it with the ENFP's I've known.

If I am not passionate, I wont do it. I have to care.

3. Basically, what's the ideal for you in a LTR? What keeps you interested, committed, and fully engaged with one person for years to come?

Respect of boundaries and freedom. Know that when when I'm gone, I'll come back home. Just like a bird.
 

Thalassa

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Presuming I am an ENFP, my answers are going to be a bit different I think than some. It may have to do with being an E4w3, but I love being in a committed relationship, and it's really there that I thrive. I was with someone for five years, and it seems as though it took us at least two years after that to really be broken up for real (and not having some weird long distance friendship where we would sometimes talk about getting back together, and I often missed him terribly, and missed the feeling of being in a LTR). I would have married him had he sought treatment for his anger problems and possible mental illness. It was extremely hard for me to leave him, one of the hardest things I've ever done.

I also think that not contributing to the family even if with you being the sole bread winner would be extremely immature on her part, I also don't relate to that ... even if I stayed home in the sense of being unemployed, there are many other things I would take care of in the home...I actually don't have a big problem with the idea of being a housewife, as long as it wasn't some weird situation where I was basically being owned. I don't consider myself a slob who would just sit around and watch tv and that sort of thing, ever, no never, unless I was in some seriously deep depression.

I have to have an intellectual/emotional connection with that person. I have to be able to share common interests with someone, and be able to talk and laugh with them. I need that sense of being deeply intimately connected to someone in order to have a relationship. If that person can't be my friend as well as my lover and partner, it's not going to work. I think it would definitely be important to be with someone who wanted to keep growing and exploring life, someone who wouldn't just get stuck in a rut forever.
 

Thalassa

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Oh I should also add that age and passion might be big factors. A very young ENFP may be not ready to settle down yet (like many young people, of course, but I don't think of ENFPs as ones in particular to marry especially young) and also obviously she has to be in love with you.

I remember once there was this guy who I really liked as a friend, I really respected him, and he really went out of his way to get me to date him, but there was just no spark there and his passive nature turned me off (I think he was INFx) and when I tried to make it work with him I.just.could.not.do.it.
 

KiwiBurst

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I'm an ENFP enneagram 6 but I have a 7 wing. ALL I WANT is long term relationship. I had a best friend for 3 years and we were really really really close during that time. I felt like she was a part of me! After that, she started to distance herself from me... I felt sad for a long time. I won't even date a guy unless I think I want to marry him.
 

Esoteric Wench

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I'm an ENFP enneagram 6 but I have a 7 wing. ALL I WANT is long term relationship. I had a best friend for 3 years and we were really really really close during that time. I felt like she was a part of me! After that, she started to distance herself from me... I felt sad for a long time. I won't even date a guy unless I think I want to marry him.

I was that way for a long time. Then I realized that it was possible to go out on a few dates in order to find out if I wanted to marry him. :doh:

I think the relevant point is that ENFPs take their serious relationships VERY seriously.
 

Vamp

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Some of us. I'm totally not into the whole "serious relationship" stuff because with people my age it's usually parasitic and suffocating. Aren't I positive?
I'm more about exploring my options and being anything but tied down. I'm not romantic at all, romance is a ball and chain to me.
 

Lily flower

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My experience with ENFP's is that they are very fun, and can mold themselves to fit you very well, but they get really bored with the same person and want to have a revolving door of new people to entertain them. Also, they don't have a whole lot of remorse about kicking you out of their lives and moving on to the next person. If you want a long term commitment, be very very careful, because you might be just a toy to them.
 
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