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  1. #1
    Senior Member Quiet's Avatar
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    Default Would love feedback with ISTP concerns

    I'm not sure how to convey what I'm thinking or feeling, so I've decided to share my situation:

    I've been in a relationship with an ISTP for 3 years. Like in any relationship, there's been both good and bad times. The one (I'll use the word "chronic") thing that seems to get in the way is his lack of Fe and sensitivity. He is aware he lacks natural skill in this area and often tries very hard to understand. However, it's getting tiresome having to explain the "basics" to him, and what I mean by basics, is "caring" responses and communication that all successful relationships posess. Even more frustrating for me, is when this concept turns into a debate!

    Today I have decided to open up about this issue here and ask if anyone else first of all understands this, and second of all, is it me? Am I in fact incorrect in this concern, or is it an INFJ "expectation" thing that we tend to have that equate to judgements? What generally happens for me, is I will experience hurt and confused feelings after a particular interraction due my ability to see how it is for him. Also because I sense he is so far removed from the situation on an emotional level, that I may as well be trying to explain it to a wall.

    Sigh, sorry to complain, I'm just really needing some clarification right now. On a more positive note, we do have a very close bond in many ways, and we always are learning from eachother. I do observe how my being future orrientated and his being present orrientated can make for some thought provoking contemplations. With him, my life is never dull, lol and it's likely due to our opposite function usage.

    This feels wierd for me to post as I've opened up more than I'd normally feel comfortable with. Thanks in advance.
    "What's Taters, Precious?" --- Gollum.

    "Bring your pretty face, to my axe". --- Gimly.

  2. #2
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    Have you tried this thread? It was created mostly for all of the NFs who have ISTP issues by the ISTPs themselves!

    and even ISTPs develop Fe in time
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

  3. #3
    Senior Member Quiet's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by whatever View Post
    Have you tried this thread? It was created mostly for all of the NFs who have ISTP issues by the ISTPs themselves!

    and even ISTPs develop Fe in time
    Thank you! And no I hadn't seen the thread but will definitely check it out.
    "What's Taters, Precious?" --- Gollum.

    "Bring your pretty face, to my axe". --- Gimly.

  4. #4
    insert random title here Randomnity's Avatar
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    From your tone here (I may be misreading) it seems like you've both decided the problem is with him - since he's lacking the traits that "all successful relationships" require. Communication takes two people though - maybe you could stop explaining your "basics" to him (I'm sure after 3 years he knows what you mean), and have him explain his "basics" to you.

    Instead of blaming him for causing hurtful feelings in you, perhaps you could self-reflect and understand why you react this way to his words (well, unless he's actually being verbally abusive, which it sounds like he isn't). Try to understand his perspective instead of focusing so hard on him understanding yours.

    edit: that being said, if you aren't happy, you'll need to figure out something to change, whether it's you, him or the status of the relationship....and other people are always the hardest of those three to change, by far.
    -end of thread-

  5. #5
    Senior Member Quiet's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Randomnity View Post
    From your tone here (I may be misreading) it seems like you've both decided the problem is with him - since he's lacking the traits that "all successful relationships" require. Communication takes two people though - maybe you could stop explaining your "basics" to him (I'm sure after 3 years he knows what you mean), and have him explain his "basics" to you.

    Yes we have decided that the problem is with him lol. I let a lot of things slide and I pick my battles, as does he. Unfortunately, I am unable to share the exact details here due to my feeling uncomfortable with being too specific. I wanted to maintain some degree of privacy for us both, I'm sure that's understandable. What I mean by saying this is, if you understood the details, you'd likely say "ahhh" I am always understanding of where he is coming from. This is why it feels generally rather unbalanced when he is unable to do this for me, unless I have explained myself. (and even then sometimes he is still understanding and I find this frustrating).

    Instead of blaming him for causing hurtful feelings in you, perhaps you could self-reflect and understand why you react this way to his words (well, unless he's actually being verbally abusive, which it sounds like he isn't). Try to understand his perspective instead of focusing so hard on him understanding yours.

    His words are not abusive, but his dismissive attitude can feel abusive at times. I understand what you are saying though as when I re-read this, I know I sound like I think I am being all superior or something. I didn't mean to sound this way, but I'm sure that I am rightful in my thoughts/feelings in certain situations.

    edit: that being said, if you aren't happy, you'll need to figure out something to change, whether it's you, him or the status of the relationship....and other people are always the hardest of those three to change, by far.
    Sigh, I broke it off last year for 3 months, and then decided to give it another try. He contacted me pretty much daily during those three months wanting to try and work things out. He has changed a lot, and really grown as a man. We have both done some major self growth work, and I am well aware of my short comings and am always very hard on myself to be perfect, although I know this is silly and impossible. I blame it on my J



    I'm not saying that this particular clip is my situation, but the dynamics of how clueless Inspector Fowler (Raymond) and Inspector Grim are, make me laugh as well as say; "yep, I can relate!" lol YouTube - The Thin Blue Line - "The Green Eyed Monster" (3/5)
    "What's Taters, Precious?" --- Gollum.

    "Bring your pretty face, to my axe". --- Gimly.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Rebe's Avatar
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    From your tone here (I may be misreading) it seems like you've both decided the problem is with him - since he's lacking the traits that "all successful relationships" require. Communication takes two people though - maybe you could stop explaining your "basics" to him (I'm sure after 3 years he knows what you mean), and have him explain his "basics" to you.

    Instead of blaming him for causing hurtful feelings in you, perhaps you could self-reflect and understand why you react this way to his words (well, unless he's actually being verbally abusive, which it sounds like he isn't). Try to understand his perspective instead of focusing so hard on him understanding yours.
    I agree with the above. I can see how your Fe and his Ti would clash a lot of the times and cause hurt feelings in you and confusion in him. ISTPs do develop Fe as they get older and if the right person can foster that growth. The ISTP I knew is very affectionate and I think that is because he was in a long, long and healthy relationship since he was in his early twenties. I wouldn't say this is a lost cause, but you need to understand his side too. Ti may be blunt, but you should learn to respect, trust and admire his Ti just as he should do the same with your Fe. Instead of viewing everything that he says through just your thought/feeling process, really try to see it his way and you will (I am sure) understand that he didn't mean to be hurtful or rude, he had a valid point and he expressed it in the only way he can. I judged whatever my ex istp said and did through my dominant Fi but that's unfair because that's not who he is and how he functions, that's who I am and how I function. Good luck!

  7. #7
    Senior Member Quiet's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rebe View Post
    I agree with the above. I can see how your Fe and his Ti would clash a lot of the times and cause hurt feelings in you and confusion in him. ISTPs do develop Fe as they get older and if the right person can foster that growth. The ISTP I knew is very affectionate and I think that is because he was in a long, long and healthy relationship since he was in his early twenties. I wouldn't say this is a lost cause, but you need to understand his side too. Ti may be blunt, but you should learn to respect, trust and admire his Ti just as he should do the same with your Fe. Instead of viewing everything that he says through just your thought/feeling process, really try to see it his way and you will (I am sure) understand that he didn't mean to be hurtful or rude, he had a valid point and he expressed it in the only way he can. I judged whatever my ex istp said and did through my dominant Fi but that's unfair because that's not who he is and how he functions, that's who I am and how I function. Good luck!
    Thank you Rebe!

    I am able to understand what you're saying; my bf is actually extremely physically affectionate and this comes more naturally for him than it does for me.

    As far as your suggestions go, I have always understood and agreed with the sorts of things your saying. I was more or less just looking for clarity on this, as at times I just feel mad, while most of the time, I just let it slide.

    In short, I find it so difficult to pin point any feelings I have in any given moment, as my emotions are always a response to my Ni. Much of the time I feel confused and conflicted due to being able to see the situation from his side. ( I blame myself sometimes is what I'm trying to say). During certain times when we have some form of unproductive interraction, I'll get that "knowing feeling" that something 'just ain't right' lol.

    You mentioned my Fe responding badly to his Ti. Well, My Ti is quite developed, and I can be rather straight forward at times as well so I honestly understand him, but I generally keep it under check as I have had to learn the hard way... So, I have developed my Te quite well, and judge him when he doesn't do so well with his

    I will keep your words in mind!
    "What's Taters, Precious?" --- Gollum.

    "Bring your pretty face, to my axe". --- Gimly.

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