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  1. #1

    Default Blockhead vs. INFJ

    I would like to ask female INFJs a little question and possibly get some advice. The gal in question is only the second of your type I know and the first one was highly neurotic, so I still have a hard time understanding your algorithms.

    We met each other a few years back when we were still teenagers (not that I matured that much... ). I always considered her an amazing girl, but my poor INFP friend got really crazy about her back then, so I didn't take her as anything more, than a potential friend (unfortunately for the guy, it wasn't mutual). We never became close friends or anything and we usually see each other only very occasionaly.

    Few months back, when we got a little drunk (1 am), she told me, that she was in love with me after we first met and reproached me for ignoring that (not that I technically did. I never noticed anything I could possibly ignore). I tried digging deeper into that, but she got quite defensive. After she said, that it's all long gone, I just left it at that.

    We met on several social occasions in the last weeks. We were always surrounded by other people and never had a chance to talk one-on-one, but I started sensing, that there actually may be some attraction on her side. I don't know, I may just see things that aren't there, since I'm not very good at this, but I red about some signs on this site (look, smile, being chatty...) and I think it may have been there. The problem is, that she's an actress, so I have no idea if I'm not just overanalyzing some social mask she is used to wear (she's not bad at that).

    Two days ago, I talked to her on a phone regarding one little project she's involved in. I just needed to go through some things with her, but she couldn't talk for long, so she proposed a meeting. After a quick comparsion of our schedules, she came up with one possible time, but I dissmised it, because it was to late to consequently solve the issue at hand. We agreed to risk it and just improvise if the situation calls for it.

    Some things changed yesterday and I called her again to find out if we can really meet after all, and she offered, that she potentially had some time later at night after some performance. When I found out, that she wanted to meet in a pub somewhere and couldn't make it to the place where I actually needed her at, I declined it again for the same reason.

    Only after she sadly replied, that she thought, that I just wanted to talk with her, it struck me, that she could have been possibly just trying to set up a date without need of saying the real purpose. It never crossed my mind until that moment, since I was too concentrated on coordinating with a buch of chaotic perceivers (not that it's any excuse), so I was too startled to cross that line back.

    What I want to know is, if my conclusion is really plausible. Am I just overanalyzing something here?

    And if I'm correct, how much did I screw up? What would be your reaction to that?

    And if it's bad, what should I do to make thinks right? (preferably something that doesn't expect me to be an ESTP) I wouldn't mind dating her, but I'm a little lost here. As I said, I'm really not good at reading her, so it's also possible that this whole thing is just in my head. Any response welcome, thank you. And sorry for mistakes.

  2. #2
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Ask her out to a nice little coffee place in the evening. The evening thing says 'date,' but the coffee thing says 'no pressure.' She is really sticking her neck out trying to get with you and you are shutting her down. She might try it one more time, but I'm guessing not more than that, so it's best if you make a decisive move if you think you might be interested in her.

    My INTP practically stalked me, so INTP is no excuse, IMO.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    She is really sticking her neck out trying to get with you and you are shutting her down.
    So you think my conclusion is possibly correct? That is really good to know. She's really not my usual extrovert (that's how lazy I am).
    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    My INTP practically stalked me, so INTP is no excuse, IMO.
    I don't think there are any excuses in this area. But it's still encouraging, thank you.

  4. #4
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CollisionCourse? View Post
    So you think my conclusion is possibly correct? That is really good to know. She's really not my usual extrovert (that's how lazy I am).

    I don't think there are any excuses in this area. But it's still encouraging, thank you.
    If she really is an INFJ, then contacting you and initiating getting together is kind of a big deal, IMO. I could be wrong, but that's my best guess.

    If you follow the relational course of least resistance, you'll end up only going out with really pushy women and a really pushy woman can really clash with an INTPs strong sense of autonomy once the shiny wears off. I don't know how many threads I've seen with INTP men lamenting situations like that, but by then they often are married and with kids. They get to choose between screwing up other people's lives or slowly dying inside.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  5. #5
    Cat Wench ReadingRainbows's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    If she really is an INFJ, then contacting you and initiating getting together is kind of a big deal, IMO. I could be wrong, but that's my best guess.

    If you follow the relational course of least resistance, you'll end up only going out with really pushy women and a really pushy woman can really clash with an INTPs strong sense of autonomy once the shiny wears off. I don't know how many threads I've seen with INTP men lamenting situations like that, but by then they often are married and with kids. They get to choose between screwing up other people's lives or slowly dying inside.
    Listen to Cafe, and I second all of her posts! Go get your girl In a sweet and gentlemanly manner of course I dated an INTP recently, and it was a good match, but we both had our hang ups so much that it didn't work out. I that the being in love with you is a good sign though, because once an INFJ is in love, they never fall out. They just kinda move on from it.
    Quote Originally Posted by EffEmDoubleyou View Post
    St. Stephen took rocks and St. Sebastian took arrows. You only have to take some jerks on an internet forum. Nut up.

  6. #6
    Symbolic Herald Vasilisa's Avatar
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    Speaking as an INFJ, I tend to be pretty deliberate about things, so my guess is that she does want to use this opportunity to build a romance. If you want to, too, I would suggest meeting at one of the venues she picked, with plenty of time to spend talking with her apart from the project discussion. And don't be down on yourself (blockhead) clearly you are good enough to make her fall for you.
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  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    If you follow the relational course of least resistance, you'll end up only going out with really pushy women and a really pushy woman can really clash with an INTPs strong sense of autonomy once the shiny wears off.
    You're probably right about that. It's my lack of initiative, that I always end up with extroverts. On the other hand, I'm very picky when it comes to getting more involved with a girl, but I'd love to try something serious with a suitable person for a change.
    Quote Originally Posted by Rainbows View Post
    I that the being in love with you is a good sign though, because once an INFJ is in love, they never fall out. They just kinda move on from it.
    Does that mean that you can be in love with several people at once without an inner conflict (presuming it's a healthy state)? How does that work?
    Quote Originally Posted by Vasilisa View Post
    I would suggest meeting at one of the venues she picked, with plenty of time to spend talking with her apart from the project discussion.
    Option to accept her offer was gone even at the moment of posting the OP. It's a shame that I did not catch up on that when there was a chance.
    Quote Originally Posted by Vasilisa View Post
    And don't be down on yourself (blockhead) clearly you are good enough to make her fall for you.
    Thank you. I'm self-critical quite a lot, but that title is actually not to be taken very seriously.

    ***
    We spent several hours together over the weekend. It wasn't a date, we were with other people, but we had some chances to chat. She didn't seem annoyed, or hostile, but she sure was reserved towards me and since I was confused by her signals, I decided to probe the situation a little before asking her out. There is no point in explaining the context, but I expressed a personal appreciation for her during a conversation. I'm usualy rather blunt, but I tried to make it as subtle as possible. It was very general and I think it was easy to ignore, if it would be uncomfortable for her to openly acknowledge it, let alone react (nothing straight-forward. At least the way I see it.).

    Well, she freaked out. Not that she had some emotional outburst or anything. She just ran away. We were walking behind our friends (talking) and the next moment, she was in front of the group without saying a word. I have to admit, that it certainly wasn't the most elegantly put improvisation I ever said, but I wasn't trying to sell her a car. I wouldn't expect it could be that bad. I later created a situation where we could talk alone for a few minutes (without much pressure) and I tried to calm her down by letting her talk about her other activities, but she still looked like a cat ready to dash away if I moved my hand too quickly. She then even chose an alternative route rather than traveling almost all the way to her next destination with me and her best friend. That's just ridiculous.

    Even worse thing is, that by all that overanalyzing of her behavior in the past few days, I maybe lowered my guard and started falling for her, which is really endangering any prospects involving her, especially given her current attitude, since it can potentially turn me into a kid. I usually have great safety mechanisms when it comes to this, but my damage control crew wouldn't fix a leaking sink. Also, my wordiness needs to get treated.

  8. #8
    Symbolic Herald Vasilisa's Avatar
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    Thanks for the update, CollisionCourse. I meant meeting up at one of the venues that she had picked at a later date, like a rain check type of scenario. But it sounds like you both would have been too uncomfortable to make that happen at this stage.

    So your comment wasn't teasing ridicule was it? I hope not. The way you described it sounds like it was simply a compliment, is that fair? I wonder if she wasn't setting herself up to exorcise you from her heart because she thought you weren't attracted to her. Maybe that is why your simple compliment shook her up. It sounds like you both are so guarded. I understand that. If you told her you were sorry for possibly upsetting her with that comment do you think it would get her to open up and explain her reaction? If you let her know that seeing her unhappy or stressed bothers you maybe she would be touched by your caring. I really understand the position you are both in, the process that makes you shield yourself from falling in love uncontrollably. But sometimes when you honestly state how you feel about things - it is the best catalyst. Maybe not even for a romance at this point, but at least to get clarity about what the other person feels.

    I hope it goes well with you too. Please post more.
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  9. #9

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    I see, I misunderstood you about that meeting then. Well, we only talked about time and general location on both occasions and I always rejected that before we agreed on an exact place.

    I definitely didn't ridicule her. I tend to do that to my friends and sometimes I can't help but tease a little even her, but I'm individually evaluating tolerable harshness of such remarks and I'd say that she can take it from me as a joke, sometimes even striking back. I can be wrong of course, and she may be just not letting that out. I can't tell.

    Anyway, this was not the case. It was more of an expression of a little weakness for her (not that I told her I love her, or anything that aggressive), than an open complimenting (even though a compliment was obviously implied). I've been throwing in some lighthearted complimenting when talking to her for years. She's so sweet, she's just asking for it, but she has never had a bad reaction. She mostly just make fun of it, or something (but I'm digressing).

    That being said, I have no idea how I can apologize for what I said while making some sense in the process. I can be more blunt and just talk this through with her, but I'm afraid, that she'd just get defensive or even act like she has no idea what I'm talking about, if I push her too much (and I already decided not to presume where that line is). Also, I'm not sure if I'll have a chance to talk to her alone in the next two or three weeks, unless I ask her out, but that can be potentially even more damaging if she's still freaked out and decline (not that I see any other option. She mentioned some party next week, but I know it won't be a good situation for that even if I'll go there).

    About that shielding ourselves from falling in love - I think I see what you mean, but for me, the reasons are practical. I can't very well picture the situation, if I'll lose my self-control before I get closer to her, because I know how useless I can become without a sharp mind. It's enough that she's getting a little childish about it, we can hardly afford to become like that both.
    I hope it goes well with you too.
    You're too kind.

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