[INFP] INFPs why do I want 2b ur BFF but don't want to date you? (ENFP ponders the paradox.)

[musicnerd93]

You probably know they're fragile and are afraid you'll hurt them even if you didn't mean to??

 

[*poke*]

because you don't get that rush that says, you want to fuck infp brains out.

you want a live n the moment adrenalin rush, the adventure and exploration of a dominant man that can build your attraction at the snap of a finger. not the lame passive oh how i wish there was a soul mate to get my chemistry hot and bothered. your subconsciously looking for a predetermined style of attraction that has nothing to do with type but everything to do with your upbringing.

Yes yes and yes! I got overjoyed at finding such chemistry with an INFP given my past experiences strongly biasing me towards NFs or just Ns in general. Many of my closest friends are INFP and the instant connection we had could make me shiver. But a certain degree of that mystery and instant relatability (to adopt the previously mentioned "kinship" ) must have been part of the excitement, because after a few weeks I feel like I know everything about him, and it's lost that new-and-shiny feel, and with it, its sizzle. It's like all he wants to do now is sit back being silent and share "moments" (which is usually him making goo-goo eyes and me being like, this is lame, let's go do something to change the world! ), and wait for the nuclear family and dog and white picket fence to arrive next week . I'm looking to be swept off my feet in a way that's different from the INFP quiet-poetry-and-undying-love manner of wooing. What he's looking for is very serious in nature, while I'm looking for flirty, on-my-toes, and head-over-heels. We haven't even begun dating because of my misgivings, but I feel that just by reciprocating interest I've committed to something. Even when we sat down and had this talk about being on different pages, I felt like in order to start anything I needed to commit to eventually committing! "Let's try 'casually' dating for, say, a week...and then get married!"

So I don't think it's going to work out in the end. But I feel bad having offered something and taken it away. I love the kindred elements of our relationship but crackle and pop just doesn't seem sustainable.

 

[*poke*]

Well, I definitely think that gender plays a huge role in how type manifests for both INFPs and INFJs.

I agree with this. As a hetero female I have been socialized to be attracted to (or I think that had something to do with it) masculine, dominant, sexual, aggressive males (in the context that it doesn't illuminate a sense of entitlement or seem threatening, of course). INFPs are gentle, introverted, nonthreatening, and usually things we are taught are "feminine" qualities. It may be that the gender of the person colors the lens of how our attraction to someone's type translates into an attraction to they themselves.

 

[Udog]

But a certain degree of that mystery and instant relatability (to adopt the previously mentioned "kinship" ) must have been part of the excitement, because after a few weeks I feel like I know everything about him, and it's lost that new-and-shiny feel, and with it, its sizzle.

I highly doubt you know anywhere near everything there is to know about him.... However, it's his own fault for hiding whatever goodies he has underneath. INFPs are known to do that. So you are free to judge him as he presents himself.

It's like all he wants to do now is sit back being silent and share "moments" (which is usually him making goo-goo eyes and me being like, this is lame, let's go do something to change the world! ), and wait for the nuclear family and dog and white picket fence to arrive next week .

INFP males often seem to struggle developing as people if they find the love they want at too young of an age. It's interesting. I don't know if INFP women have the same issue or not.

I'm looking to be swept off my feet in a way that's different from the INFP quiet-poetry-and-undying-love manner of wooing. What he's looking for is very serious in nature[....]

I wonder if that's a common male INFP tactic. I have to plead guilty doing that (not the poetry or artsy stuff, but the undying-love thing) over being flirty and challenging. My natural tendency is to want to do the deep undying love thing, and I wonder if it's who I am, or a shadow of the programming of how I was raised.

It may be that the gender of the person colors the lens of how our attraction to someone's type translates into an attraction to they themselves.

Hahaha, what does this say in English?

 

[Snuggletron]

because INFPs are always wandering in the friend zone

 

[Phoenix_400]

I'm wondering at the age ranges of the people involved in these types of relationships. Everything I've seen points to younger women talking of wanting a stable, mature, loyal man who would make a good father, but then go for men who lack in these qualities but have copious amounts of 'charm' and 'spark'.

My personal opinion at this point is that men who get 'friend-zoned' by women up into their 20's start becoming the desirable ones to women who are into their 30-40's. Reasons being that the ladies have had all of the drama of whirlwind romances and want some true stability, have reached the age of maturity where they'll say they want someone with good family values and mean it, and possibly age is taking effect and they suddenly find themselves with less possible suitors.

I've come to the point that (except for a few rare exceptions) I find women about 5 years older than myself (I'm almost 28) to be more attractive than women my age-5 years younger after factoring in their maturity level.

Keep holdin' on INFPs, patience is a virtue.

 

[CzeCze]

Two of my best friends in the whole world are INFPs. I adore INFPs! They are my partners in crime when it comes to all matters of intellectual reverie. But I've never been interested in dating an INFP, which seems counter-intuitive to me.

If INFPs and ENFPs had lots of natural conflict between their respective personalities, I might understand the natural routing to the "friends" box that I do. But I feel like my INFPs friends are my soul mates ... in a BFF kind of way. So is there something that INFPs and ENFPs provide each other that makes them great soul mates, but not a natural choice for being SOUL MATES (in an I'm going to spend the rest of my life with you kind of way)?

I was discussing this matter with another ENFP today when it occurred to me this would be a great topic for the forum. Please share your insights!

EW are you a straight female? I ask because I'm guessing you are talking about INFP males.

I'm a queer ENFP female and I have actually tended to be drawn to and date Fi dom females - meaning INFPs. I have seriously dated or been crushed out on at least 3 INFP women, I was quite drawn to them.

I think XNFP males and females are quite different animals. And not just physically.

ENFP males are more likely to be like popular 'girls' or very attractive to women. As introverts, INFP men have more of a disadvantage. They are similar to INTP men in this respect...I think.

In my experience, a more accurate word is kindred.

Yes!

 

[*poke*]

I highly doubt you know anywhere near everything there is to know about him.... However, it's his own fault for hiding whatever goodies he has underneath. INFPs are known to do that. So you are free to judge him as he presents himself.

You are absolutely right, I didn't mean to imply that I know everything about him, we could spend years together and I still wouldn't know. Individuals are more complicated than that . I guess I just feel like we've moved into our "comfortable" stage faster than I feel ready for.

I wonder if that's a common male INFP tactic. I have to plead guilty doing that (not the poetry or artsy stuff, but the undying-love thing) over being flirty and challenging. My natural tendency is to want to do the deep undying love thing, and I wonder if it's who I am, or a shadow of the programming of how I was raised.

This is actually what I want, too! Maybe it's just an extraverted/intraverted thing, where I want to go out and do things with other people, and he wants to sit in and chill. So maybe what I'm mistaking for wanting different types of romance is really just a minor clash of how we expect that to manifest the majority of the time. I would also like deep undying love, but as I guess is related to your previous point that I didn't quote, I want flirty and challenging now and to combine it with deep undying love later...it may be that he's decided I'm "the one" so now he can stop looking and settle immediately into the partnership he's always yearned for .

Hahaha, what does this say in English?

I'm sorrryyy, I guess that happens as a women's/gender studies major . I'm surrounded by people who delight in teaching each other more accurate and unbiased vocabulary, and I guess it seeps into to everyday use .

"It may be that whether we think someone's type influences our attraction to them depends on their gender. If they exhibit traits that are expected of their gender (such as an Fe/Ti female or Fi/Te male) then we attribute it to their gender. If it's unexpected, like a shy sensitive man or a cold logical woman, we attribute it to their personality type.

 

[sleuthiness]

It's a bummer that wikisocion had a system crash some months ago, but at least it's still up and has plenty of older info, albeit poorly translated in russian or missing chunks.

 

[OrangeAppled]

INFP males often seem to struggle developing as people if they find the love they want at too young of an age. It's interesting. I don't know if INFP women have the same issue or not.

I wonder if that's a common male INFP tactic. I have to plead guilty doing that (not the poetry or artsy stuff, but the undying-love thing) over being flirty and challenging. My natural tendency is to want to do the deep undying love thing, and I wonder if it's who I am, or a shadow of the programming of how I was raised.

IDK about all INFP women, but that doesn't sound like me - but then I also have not found love at an early age. INFPs supposedly tend to marry later or not at all in higher percentages than most types. I think there is a need to develop independently, find our own identity, that sort of thing. I'm not the kind to lose myself to someone, and I can't ever see myself being that way, when I was younger or as I get older.

Poke's experience is soooo foreign from my own (as the INFP), and in some ways I relate more to her perspective. I prefer playfulness at first too & get freaked out by any early push for commitment. I want to see where things go and explore possibilities; and yet, I also like intentions to be clear & for there to be some consistency. I can also be very serious, and it takes the right person to bring out my playful side (ENFJs are usually great at this - but bad at EVER getting serious). And eventually, the cute stuff gets old and I need to move into more serious territory, but not too soon. If I just contradicted myself 100 times, I assure you it makes sense in my head.

 

[Udog]

I guess I just feel like we've moved into our "comfortable" stage faster than I feel ready for.

This sounds reasonable. With me (and he isn't me, so just take this as a potential explanation), my insecurity when it comes to potentially deep feelings causes me to freak out when there's a lot of tension. Yet, tension is a good thing.

If I don't really care about the girl one way or another, that tension can be fun, and something I enjoy playing around with just to see what happens. But if I like her, I find myself trying to release it.

This is actually what I want, too! Maybe it's just an extraverted/intraverted thing, where I want to go out and do things with other people, and he wants to sit in and chill. So maybe what I'm mistaking for wanting different types of romance is really just a minor clash of how we expect that to manifest the majority of the time. I would also like deep undying love, but as I guess is related to your previous point that I didn't quote, I want flirty and challenging now and to combine it with deep undying love later...it may be that he's decided I'm "the one" so now he can stop looking and settle immediately into the partnership he's always yearned for .

That's possible, too. Although I don't know how he can possibly know you well enough to have determined that... you've known him for what, a month?

Sounds like he's watched too many "love at first sight" movies.

"It may be that whether we think someone's type influences our attraction to them depends on their gender. If they exhibit traits that are expected of their gender (such as an Fe/Ti female or Fi/Te male) then we attribute it to their gender. If it's unexpected, like a shy sensitive man or a cold logical woman, we attribute it to their personality type.

Well stated. And if MBTI or gender doesn't explain it, we always have the Enneagram to come in and save the day!

Poke's experience is soooo foreign from my own (as the INFP), and in some ways I relate more to her perspective. I prefer playfulness at first too & get freaked out by any early push for commitment. I want to see where things go and explore possibilities; and yet, I also like intentions to be clear & for there to be some consistency. I can also be very serious, and it takes the right person to bring out my playful side (ENFJs are usually great at this - but bad at EVER getting serious). And eventually, the cute stuff gets old and I need to move into more serious territory, but not too soon. If I just contradicted myself 100 times, I assure you it makes sense in my head.

Yeah - a push for commitment too early usually stems from some sort of desperation or fear. I think it's totally fair to be turned off by it.