User Tag List

12 Last

Results 1 to 10 of 12

  1. #1
    Senior Member the state i am in's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    MBTI
    infj
    Enneagram
    5w4 sx/sp
    Posts
    2,460

    Default infjs in super-charged emotionally exciting long-term relationships

    i would be interested to hear if there are infjs who are in relationships that are super-charged with emotional currency over the long haul.

    it seems like it would be a good topic to talk about--if the kind of overly gushy expectations many infjs have are
    a. possible
    b. realistic
    c. healthy

    it seems like the most healthy infjs opt for nts. i'm wondering if this is true, and if experiences with other Fs have challenged that, and if gender affects this overall balance.

    i'm also wondering if there's a difference between the kind of gushy "emotionally fulfilling" relationship infjs are seeking and
    a. communication that allows you to feel truly understood
    b. inspiration (that makes you believe in possibilities for the future)

    i know i can get inspired by both Fi and Ti for different reasons, but largely bc they help me see possibilities. i'm wondering if infjs are just attracted to the grounding qualities of these judging functions, the relevancy factor that allows them to build an inner foundation and move outward from there.

  2. #2
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    9w1
    Socionics
    INFj None
    Posts
    9,827

    Default

    I hate super-charged emotional currency. It's draining.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  3. #3
    The Memes Justify the End EcK's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    MBTI
    ENTP
    Enneagram
    738
    Socionics
    ILE None
    Posts
    7,265

    Default

    And more importantly, can that energy be harvested to produce cheap electric current and lead the way to a post scarcity era
    Expression of the post modern paradox : "For the love of god, religions are so full of shit"

    Theory is always superseded by Fact...
    ... In theory.

    “I’d hate to die twice. It’s so boring.”
    Richard Feynman's last recorded words

    "Great is the human who has not lost his childlike heart."
    Mencius (Meng-Tse), 4th century BCE

  4. #4
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    1w2 so/sx
    Posts
    11,106

    Default

    I'm not looking for super-charged, but I rather despair of the realism of finding a relationship where I would feel understood and have a belief in the possibilities for the future. I don't think it is that I expect everything in a man. I'm very aware that we need a variety of people in our lives to answer various types of needs and not just one person can be expected to be all that. It's just that if I truly believe certain ingredients are going to be needed for long term success or fulfillment, it would not be right to embark on something that the other person does not have the interest/abilities to carry out. I'm not even sure if I have all of those qualities.

    After extensive interviewing and observation, I've concluded that:

    1) Most couples go through a really rough patch in their late 40s-early 60s where they are facing what is or is not actually going to happen in the future, or the effects of certain things piling up over time. In addition, most people have only recently gained enough confidence and experience to feel more sure of their assessment of the situation, and then they have to decide what they are going to do with it from there.

    2) Some people are really looking for very different things in a marriage than I am. I want a partner, someone to create something that neither of us could on our own, a sense of us-ness, some initiative. Many people are looking for someone to spend time with, share bills with, have a couple of kids with, and eat meals/go to social events with. There's nothing wrong with that, but I know I would always be frustrated if that was all there was and that's an unfair expectation to put on someone who wasn't signing up for that.

    3) I think only one in hundreds if not thousands of couples have the kind of intimacy that I would wish for.

  5. #5
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Enneagram
    4 so/sp
    Posts
    6,931

    Default

    ^Your post resonates, fidelia.

    Quote Originally Posted by the state that i am
    it seems like the most healthy infjs opt for nts. i'm wondering if this is true, and if experiences with other Fs have challenged that, and if gender affects this overall balance.

    i'm also wondering if there's a difference between the kind of gushy "emotionally fulfilling" relationship infjs are seeking and
    a. communication that allows you to feel truly understood
    b. inspiration (that makes you believe in possibilities for the future)
    I think I'm more drawn to NT's, but honestly for myself I find the ENxx more stimulating than the fact that they're NT's. I am pretty drawn to extroverts...they're able to open me up and unpeel me... and I find them stimulating on many levels.

    Not sure I relate to the 'gushy'/supercharged concept.

    However, I relate very much to your point a), of needing communication / a dynamic that makes me feel truly understood. Being understood, and heard, is perhaps more important to me than supercharged emotions, but then I don't consider myself a 'supercharged' person at all, and it's rather hard for me to talk about my feelings and verbalize things.

    Re. b), for me maybe this translates to my needing to feel there is a 'Point' to all of it -- that we share similar values and similar life direction/path, such that I believe we'll be able to journey through life together and build a life together.

    Re. what I'm desiring out of a relationship, fidelia mentioned some things I can relate to, but in the end, where I'm at now is that I really don't have a *desire*, at all, to be in a relationship that doesn't have all of the components that I really want. I wouldn't be happy, even if I'm too idealistic/unrealistic, and I'd rather be single than be in a relationship that doesn't really suit what I'm wanting out of a relationship, which is a mental and emotional connection, mutual understanding and respect, shared values and a shared sense of direction in life, complementary and we both grow from one another, and chemistry on top of all of that. The liklihood of this seems exceedingly slim to me, but I really have no desire to be in a relationship that lacks this stuff. My heart wouldn't be in it and I wouldn't see a point, certainly in the long-term.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

    My Photography and Watercolor Fine Art Prints!!! Cascade Colors Fine Art Prints
    https://docs.google.com/uc?export=do...Gd5N3NZZE52QjQ

  6. #6
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    9w1
    Socionics
    INFj None
    Posts
    9,827

    Default

    In general, what I experience from people is their emotions splashing all over me in an inconsiderate fashion, like saliva. People have drama, apparently because they like it. They get bored or something because they don't have other hobbies. I dunno.

    I like harmony, a feeling of comradery, loyalty, trust, devotion. I like that my NT partner doesn't splash all over me without good reason most of the time. He's my calm in the storm and the one that talks sense to me when I'm about to do something stupid. We keep each other from being too serious or becoming morose.

    We do love each other deeply and have good chemistry but we are sanctuary and peace to one another, we are nurture and family, and the safe place we lacked as children. Which I suppose is an emotional intensity in its own way, but more like a, I don't know, a warm fireplace on a cold night than some kind of lofty romantic drama.

    I love that.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  7. #7
    Artisan Conquerer Halla74's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    MBTI
    ESTP
    Enneagram
    7w8 sx/so
    Socionics
    SLE
    Posts
    6,927

    Default

    Although I'm not an INFJ, I have been married to one for 15 years, so I'm dropping a few comments.

    Quote Originally Posted by the state i am in View Post
    it seems like the most healthy infjs opt for nts. i'm wondering if this is true, and if experiences with other Fs have challenged that, and if gender affects this overall balance.
    I know of several xSTP/INFJ couples on this forum, so there is more than a NT/NF attraction thing going on...

    Quote Originally Posted by the state i am in View Post
    i'm also wondering if there's a difference between the kind of gushy "emotionally fulfilling" relationship infjs are seeking and

    a. communication that allows you to feel truly understood
    The key to being understood is to speak your mind, hopefully often...

    Quote Originally Posted by the state i am in View Post
    b. inspiration (that makes you believe in possibilities for the future)
    Don't constantly strive for something "better", also try to enjoy what you have, especially if it is good, especially if it is something you set out to achieve earlier and life, and have done it, don't cash in your accomplishments for new and loftier standards just for the sake of striving for more, smell the roses a little bit more!

    Quote Originally Posted by the state i am in View Post
    i know i can get inspired by both Fi and Ti for different reasons, but largely bc they help me see possibilities. i'm wondering if infjs are just attracted to the grounding qualities of these judging functions, the relevancy factor that allows them to build an inner foundation and move outward from there.
    I don't know about the above, but one thing I know for sure is that my wife appreciates the fact that I can make things happen on a dime. I am her work horse. I easily and willingly make her dreams come true, if I but know what they are. And that is one of the things that is difficult to extract from INFJs at times, detail, exact information needed to produce an outcome. I'm told my wife wants to go on vacations, but not where. I'm told my wife wants to have a plan for retirement, but I'm the one with a job that results in a fixed benefit pension. Sometimes it seems like things are harder than they need to be when communicating with INFJs.

    BUT - they make up for this with devotion and understanding. If an INFJ loves you, you know it. I've found that since I have found out what my wifey's INFJ needs are (to be "heard" to be "understood", etc.) she is happy if she knows that I am trying to ensure they are fulfilled on an on-going basis.
    --------------------
    Type Stats:
    MBTI -> (E) 77.14% | (i) 22.86% ; (S) 60% | (n) 40% ; (T) 72.22% | (f) 27.78% ; (P) 51.43% | (j) 48.57%
    BIG 5 -> Extroversion 77% ; Accommodation 60% ; Orderliness 62% ; Emotional Stability 64% ; Open Mindedness 74%

    Quotes:
    "If somebody asks your MBTI type on a first date, run". -Donna Cecilia
    "Enneagram is psychological underpinnings. Cognitive Functions are mental reasoning and perceptional processes. -Sanjuro

  8. #8
    Senior Member the state i am in's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    MBTI
    infj
    Enneagram
    5w4 sx/sp
    Posts
    2,460

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    I'm not looking for super-charged, but I rather despair of the realism of finding a relationship where I would feel understood and have a belief in the possibilities for the future.
    i'm not sure what you mean here. despair? do you mean of the likelihood of that happening?

    1) Most couples go through a really rough patch in their late 40s-early 60s where they are facing what is or is not actually going to happen in the future, or the effects of certain things piling up over time. In addition, most people have only recently gained enough confidence and experience to feel more sure of their assessment of the situation, and then they have to decide what they are going to do with it from there.
    i think this is great insight. relationships are also on a trial by fire basis unless you are just looking to get married and "attain" a relationship. it's difficult to have confidence that you're in the right situation. and it can take awhile to feel confident about your judgment when you're a j and you have difficulty making judgments based on the personal relevancy factor.

    ) Some people are really looking for very different things in a marriage than I am. I want a partner, someone to create something that neither of us could on our own, a sense of us-ness, some initiative. Many people are looking for someone to spend time with, share bills with, have a couple of kids with, and eat meals/go to social events with. There's nothing wrong with that, but I know I would always be frustrated if that was all there was and that's an unfair expectation to put on someone who wasn't signing up for that.

    3) I think only one in hundreds if not thousands of couples have the kind of intimacy that I would wish for.
    to me this sounds kinda j. i've noticed how important it is for me to almost always feel like i'm on the same page as my partner. not being on the same page is an awful feeling. they are surprised that it affects me so much, because they are usually more grounded in what they know to be true for them. so not being on the same page sometimes it's as serious. with p types it can be difficult to make sure you are on the same page unless that page includes a lot of space for them to do what they want in the moment.

  9. #9
    almost half a doctor phoenix13's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    7w8
    Posts
    1,313

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by the state i am in View Post
    i would be interested to hear if there are infjs who are in relationships that are super-charged with emotional currency over the long haul.
    Do you know where that super-charged emotional currency comes from? 1. Infatuation, and 2. Conflict/Resolution cycles.

    Those cycles will wear you out FAST, and can be pretty painful. Then, if you're prone to negative cognitive distortions, you'll only remember the lows, and the highs will hold less weight. After a while, those lows pile up, and it's just not worth it anymore, so you break up. That's an "ideal" I'll pass on.

    "OMG I FEEEEEEEEEL SO INTENSELY ABOUT EVERYTHING OMG OMG OMG GET ME A XANAX" -Priam (ENFP impersonation)

  10. #10
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Posts
    2,631

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by phoenix13 View Post
    Do you know where that super-charged emotional currency comes from? 1. Infatuation, and 2. Conflict/Resolution cycles.

    Those cycles will wear you out FAST, and can be pretty painful. Then, if you're prone to negative cognitive distortions, you'll only remember the lows, and the highs will hold less weight. After a while, those lows pile up, and it's just not worth it anymore, so you break up. That's an "ideal" I'll pass on.
    Oooh, that's so true. However, I feel that the conflict/resolution cycles are necessary for a couple to move forward in their relationship (provided that better understanding comes out of it, not just the same arguments over and over again).


    For me, I don't think I'm looking for super-charged emotional currency in a relationship. I suppose it depends on how you define that 'super-charged emotional currency', too. If it's drama and unending conflict/resolution cycles, then I don't think it's healthy. However, I think a conflict-free relationship can still be emotionally-charged. Quality time, trust, cuddling, little walks together -- all these can be full of positive emotions.


    State, I think the dynamics between NF-NT and other types can be really different. If you're an NF, an NT will help put your world into a more logical framework -- they balance you out, and that means you sort of have to meet in the middle -- between reason and feelings. In such a scenario, I don't think being too emotional is healthy, because obviously the NT doesn't go by that currency. An NF-NF pairing is different. It's more based on emotions and you have all the emotional fulfillment you will ever need -- but 'real life' just won't work that smoothly -- and sometimes you both feed off each other's emotions that you become too disconnected from the real world.

    A lot of NFJs feel starved dating Ts. You just need a lot of communication and adjustments on both sides. However, sometimes that level of intimacy that you're looking for might be impossible to achieve in certain pairings or individuals. If they don't need that much emotional intimacy, you just cannot force them to do it. People don't change. They don't speak that language. Even when they try to learn they will never be able to speak it fluently. It doesn't mean they don't love you -- they just do in a different way. Sometimes, I guess we just need to ask ourselves what we really need in a relationship, and like fidelia said, if that's not the same thing that our partner wants, neither of us can feel truly fulfilled in the relationship. We just have to decide to accept it as it is or break up and move on.

Similar Threads

  1. [ENFJ] ENFJ and long term relationships.
    By Cypocalypse in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 62
    Last Post: 10-04-2009, 08:00 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO