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  1. #1
    Member EnflamedHeartofSand's Avatar
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    Default NFP's and friends of the opposite sex

    What happens to the deep connections one may have with friends of the opposite sex, once they have established a long term commitment with someone, say in terms of marriage? Do any of you NFP's still maintain friendships with some of your old flames even while being in a committed relationship? How does it work out for you.

    How does your opinion change of the person whom you devoted so much of your love towards, and what's to say that continuing to be around them, will not potentially rekindle the flame?

  2. #2
    Senior Member Rebe's Avatar
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    Do any of you NFP's still maintain friendships with some of your old flames even while being in a committed relationship?
    I seriously struggle with this, it baffles me how people remain friends with people who they were once romantically interested in. I am quite stingy about my 'affection' and 'attention'. I would like to expand my circle of friends, I think that will be good for me, but at the same time, I don't know how without feeling sad of 'what could have been' or thinking 'hmm, what is wrong with me that he didn't want to be with me forever?', which is stupid and irrational. So, I am working on it but I don't know though. It's hard for me to care for someone as it is so when it gets to be between romantic relationships and platonic friendships, it confuses me, it's that gray area. Can you really be friends with someone you're still sexually attracted to? Sure, you have no future together, but...what if you still want to touch their face in a romantic way and hold their hand... Where are the boundaries? Hmm? I am working on it though, yup, yup. It's just a lot easier and it makes more sense for me to just stop being aware of their existence, for us to just move on.

  3. #3
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    as i'm still a young thing, i can only speak based off of long term relationships appropriate to my age. however, i've found it difficult to be around "old flames", particularly the two i really connected with, while i've been in committed relationships.

    in one case, the flame clearly still had an "agenda" for me, which sounds like strong language, given he's someone dear to me. however, it caused many complications, and i was unable to work things out with him to a point where i felt comfortable.

    i don't think he respected my new relationship, and assumed that i would come back. i had to pretty much cut ties. things were complicated due to conflict of interests, but, more importantly, it showed me how little he actually understood me, or even listened.
    "Develop interest in life as you see it...the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself." -- H. Miller
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    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    I enjoy the chemistry and that's it. I like having a sexual connection with the other sex. It's natural and part of the appeal. Doesn't mean however I don't love my SO, or that everyone else fades in comparison to him. It just makes me feel close to my friends, and adds to how comfortable I feel around them. It took me a couple of years to figure this out, but I've found that nowadays I can quite comfortably enjoy the emotions those guys stir up in me,just enjoy the sensation, the closeness, the feeling of trust and being cared for and caring back, the feeling of being safe and sharing something special with someone without it being anything more than it has to be, right then and there. And this without even being concerned that it will rekindle whatever kind of flame or escalate into something that will hurt my SO.

    So overall, I quite enjoy the experience. I do keep a close watch on it though, if I notice that the other party is struggling with it, I'll either discuss it with them or create more distance to give them a breather. Also, the rules are clear from the get go. That way, nobody gets disappointed, or deceived.
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  5. #5
    Member EnflamedHeartofSand's Avatar
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    Satine,
    You may be able to control the sensations, but what about the guys that you hang out with, how do they control themselves and see things the same way you do. I would imagine that if you met a guy and were able to have this kind of connection with him, that would allow both of you to express feelings for each other, in which no physical contact was involved that might arouse jealousy or hurt in your SO, wouldn't this be a highly unique situation? I'd imagine that in situations like the one you described there is always someone who has hope that the relationship might become more. Your thoughts?

  6. #6
    almost half a doctor phoenix13's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Satine View Post
    I enjoy the chemistry and that's it. I like having a sexual connection with the other sex. It's natural and part of the appeal. Doesn't mean however I don't love my SO, or that everyone else fades in comparison to him. It just makes me feel close to my friends, and adds to how comfortable I feel around them. It took me a couple of years to figure this out, but I've found that nowadays I can quite comfortably enjoy the emotions those guys stir up in me,just enjoy the sensation, the closeness, the feeling of trust and being cared for and caring back, the feeling of being safe and sharing something special with someone without it being anything more than it has to be, right then and there. And this without even being concerned that it will rekindle whatever kind of flame or escalate into something that will hurt my SO.

    So overall, I quite enjoy the experience. I do keep a close watch on it though, if I notice that the other party is struggling with it, I'll either discuss it with them or create more distance to give them a breather. Also, the rules are clear from the get go. That way, nobody gets disappointed, or deceived.
    Wow...

    Your attitude is stupid, and here's why:

    Pros:
    You get a little rush of emotion.

    Cons:
    The connection is tempting/seductive to you and/or guy
    Guy struggles (sexually at least, emotionally at worst)
    You somehow end up alone with guy, and cheat

    Unless you have a sick need for drama, it's not worth it.
    Last edited by phoenix13; 05-12-2010 at 03:40 PM.

    "OMG I FEEEEEEEEEL SO INTENSELY ABOUT EVERYTHING OMG OMG OMG GET ME A XANAX" -Priam (ENFP impersonation)

  7. #7
    lab rat extraordinaire CrystalViolet's Avatar
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    No, tried it. It doesn't work, unless you've had a significant amount of time away from each other, and had time to readjust, plus you know I tend to be so into my SO, other members of the opposite sex fade into the back ground. Ex's just don't register.
    It's playing with fire otherwise, and I've been burnt.
    Currently submerged under an avalanche of books and paper work. I may come back up for air from time to time.
    Real life awaits and she is a demanding mistress.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  8. #8
    Member EnflamedHeartofSand's Avatar
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    Right, I have acted the same way. Ex's fade away, and it takes a long while before you can even recognize the feelings that you used to have for them. I think this is primarily an INFP thing. The tendency to focus so intensely on one person at a time, necessarily precludes everyone else from your attention. But what happens when you begin to recognize that your current SO can potentially become another of those old flames that falls by the way side.

    I would think, this thought, is what causes some of us idealists to try and maintain a more coherent, conscious and truthful connection with all of our friends and potential lovers, so that in case we should fall out of love with them, romantically, that shouldn't mean that we would throw the baby out with the bathwater, and completely dismiss them from our lives. By doing so, we would recognize our desire during the relationship to be as forthright and truthful as possible.

    The INFP tendency then, to dismiss them from your life afterwards, would possibly insinuate that the love was never real to begin with. Which, cannot possibly be true, because there is no denying that the feelings were genuine during their occurrence but how dissapointing it becomes when that which you so much believed to be true (your love for that person) becomes almost lifeless when you part your ways.

    Is this the motivation to keep old flames in our lives, for those of us who do? Is it based on the recognition that there was something of value that was created in that relationship that transcends the individual desires of each person. If that is so, than that can be a very powerful connection with that person.

    What happens then, when someone who has maintained these deep relationships with people gets involved with someone new and is ready to settle down with that person? The person he/she settles down with, I think must be able to understand the value these relationships hold to their SO, but naturally would also wonder how they fit in, or where there place is in their SO's heart, if this heart is already occupied by others, in very profound ways.

    Love is infinite, and there isn't a limited space that one can occupy in the heart, but nevertheless it is puzzling to me how someone might be able to divide their attention to all valued friendships and relationships that have made them who they are, once they settle down with someone. Is there anyone that has experienced this kind of dilemma?

  9. #9
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Satine View Post
    I enjoy the chemistry and that's it. I like having a sexual connection with the other sex. It's natural and part of the appeal. Doesn't mean however I don't love my SO, or that everyone else fades in comparison to him. It just makes me feel close to my friends, and adds to how comfortable I feel around them. It took me a couple of years to figure this out, but I've found that nowadays I can quite comfortably enjoy the emotions those guys stir up in me,just enjoy the sensation, the closeness, the feeling of trust and being cared for and caring back, the feeling of being safe and sharing something special with someone without it being anything more than it has to be, right then and there. And this without even being concerned that it will rekindle whatever kind of flame or escalate into something that will hurt my SO.
    How does sexual connection relate to anything you described afterwards?

  10. #10
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EnflamedHeartofSand View Post
    Satine,
    You may be able to control the sensations, but what about the guys that you hang out with, how do they control themselves and see things the same way you do. I would imagine that if you met a guy and were able to have this kind of connection with him, that would allow both of you to express feelings for each other, in which no physical contact was involved that might arouse jealousy or hurt in your SO, wouldn't this be a highly unique situation? I'd imagine that in situations like the one you described there is always someone who has hope that the relationship might become more. Your thoughts?

    It usually is the natural result of getting to know each other and really clicking. To the point where you feel you can trust them and you have that natural inclination to touch them and even hug them, playfight with them etc etc. It creates that 'I feel safe and can count on him to have my back'-thing. Often, it gets combined with those adrenaline rushes if they come close enough and the 'what-if I was single' thoughts, but nothing else happens. It's enjoyable. And all of them know from the beginning (coz I make it a point to mention it repeatedly and outright tell them), that I'm merely enjoying their company and I am in fact happily taken and not looking for a mate. I also check with them regularly and tone down the intensity if they show signs of struggling. Usually, as we're that close, it's easy to tell. Some people are uncomfortable with this, those I will not even go that intense with. Others, like me, enjoy it for what it is. I rarely have any problems, and if there are any, those are dealt with efficiently and with minimal harm to anyone.

    Quote Originally Posted by phoenix13 View Post
    Wow...

    Your attitude is stupid, and here's why:

    Pros:
    You get a little rush of emotion.

    Cons:
    The connection is tempting/seductive to you and/or guy
    Guy struggles (sexually at least, emotionally at worst)
    You somehow end up alone with guy, and cheat

    Unless you have a sick need for drama, it's not worth it.

    I've more than once walked the edge and had the opportunity to cheat, and not becoz I actively sought out the situation back then, but becoz it happened and I had to deal with it. I've never cheated. I consider it personally a lot more safe and smart to know what the f** you're doing, what's going to happen, having experience with this and knowing how to handle it while enjoying it and making it clear to all parties involved what's going on and what will happen. Tends to minimize all the broken heart shit you have to deal with. If this is going to happen, it might as well happen when you're actually prepared for it and can deal with it in a way that will not rip everyone's heart out. I see no reason why I should miss out on a great friend, just becoz something *might* happen. Given the right precautions and open communication, it's never really an issue, ime. I also consistently check with the other person to see if they are in fact ok with how things are and if it does in fact hurt them.

    I've found that when I wasn't aware of this and it just 'happened', it left me blindsighted, and it became a huge mess as nobody saw it coming or knew how to respond properly to it. I just learned from that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sytpg View Post
    How does sexual connection relate to anything you described afterwards?
    The sexual component for me is that if I were to be single, I'd consider having a relationship with them, as it's often the men that I feel safe and comfortable with that I have this bond with. Those two things are also immensely attractive to me in a potential mate. Since I'm not looking for a mate though, I just enjoy it for what it is

    It's rare to find someone you can trust and feel safe with so I do enjoy it when that happens.
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